Pillow Love

Today, my grandma walked into my room and asked if the thing lying on my nightstand was a computer. I said ''Grandma, that's a clock.'' After staring at me, confused for a few seconds, she then farted, and left my room. FML

Vulture

BO Central

Sick burn

By Anonymous - Canada

46923

5949

Today, when I am asked to do something and I don't do it immediately, my mother threatens to "twerk" in front of my friends. FML

By FMLPLZ - United States - Milwaukee

47696

9167

Today, I overheard my boyfriend saying to his friends, "I never knew what real contraception was until I saw Laura's face." I'm Laura. FML

By I don't condome that, babe - United States - Lutz

44598

4277

Today, I missed a phone interview for a job at Telstra because Telstra's phone network was down. FML

By fucktelstra - Australia - Adelaide

21470

1391

Today, I was visiting my grandma who has a beagle named Max. He was so excited to see me, he jumped on my face and peed. FML

By lean_mean_meme_machine - United States - Tampa

8341

677

Today, after a night of heavy drinking, I woke up handcuffed to my bed. My friends who are responsible for this think it's hilarious and claimed not to remember where they put the keys. They took pictures, then left. FML

By Sebastian20 - Netherlands - Groningen

44244

15586

Today, I attended my mother's funeral. My husband came too, and during the service, I kept hearing him giggling. I wrote it off as the usual awkward nerves, until he started snorting too, and I caught sight of the iPhone under his jacket. He was reading this very site. FML

By Anonymous - Cyprus - Limassol

64464

4571

Today, I was so proud I'd fixed the toilet with a hardware store part without even having to call a plumber. As I happily put the lid back on the tank, I dropped the lid, which broke the tank, spilling water everywhere. Now I need a new toilet, a new floor, and I have to call the plumber. FML

By HomeChump - United States - Chicago

13959

2545

Today, I had to lie to my dentist about how often I brush my teeth. I honestly don't remember the last time I did. FML

By mintyfresh - United States

9210

119824

Today, I found out what getting slapped in the face with lettuce feels like. FML

By moe - United States

29646

7701

Today, my mom saw a picture of the moon and asked me what "those big spots" were. She actually thought the craters were continents and tried correcting me when I told her what they were. Then I almost got into trouble for being disrespectful. FML

By bornfromhillbillies - United States - Bourbonnais

22653

1499

Today, I almost burned the house down while changing a lightbulb. FML

By Anonymous - 26/2/2021 07:30 - Australia - Geraldton

Talking Heads song playing?

516

216

Today, while waiting for a doctors appointment, my husband started playing angry birds. Continually losing the game ended up raising his blood pressure to the point where he now has to have his medication changed. The new medication is $100 copay. FML

By Username - United States

29654

3250

Today, my boyfriend whipped out his proverbial notebook, where he obviously keeps notes of what I do and how I act during sex, and then grilled me about every single one of those things. Now I'm scared to do anything because I don't want to be interrogated about it later. FML

By WTFisMyLife

2456

270

Today, I was taking a bath after a long day at work. I closed my eyes and listened to music. My cat thought this was the perfect time to come out of his hiding spot and jump in the bath. Once he realized it was filled with water, he freaked out and dug his claws into my face. FML

By lyssthemiss - United States - Joliet

25654

2293

Today, I ran for editor-in-chief of a magazine. I spent hours working on my speech, and offered a bunch of new ideas to increase readership. My opponent just said that she, "loved the organization". I lost by a 4-1 margin. My opponent later announced her plans for next year. They were all of my ideas. FML

By PollingLow - United States - Decatur

32615

2351

Today, I thought that working as a lifeguard I would be saving lives, rescuing people and things along those lines. What do I get told to do on my first shift? Clean all the fecal matter and hair out the pool. I almost threw up. FML

By TheLifguard95 - United Kingdom

14854

1659

Today, on my way to work, I came across a road accident. I approached the victims and administered first aid, but when the paramedics arrived, they told the cops to take the "cosplayer" away. I'm the E.R. doctor of the nearby hospital. I later had to work with these S.O.B.s. FML

By Shoryugeki III

3602

210

Today, I finally got my stimulus check and was big excited to be able to cash it and buy Valentine's Day gifts. The very second turn out of our driveway, dude and I got T-boned. Our only vehicle, with only two payments remaining, appears totalled. FML

By Country - 12/2/2021 14:30 - United States - Huntsville

Happy Valentine's…

888

109

Today, when I was walking in to the grocery store, a van pulls up and a bunch of guys get out who look really drunk. I jokingly said to the sober-looking man who had driven the van "Sucks you have to be the designated driver!" Turns out the "Drunk" guys were actually mentally challenged. FML

By dummy441 - United States

16744

68056

Today, my 5-year-old son put my car keys in the microwave thinking that they would 'warm up' my car. FML

By jimmy - Canada - Orangeville

23899

2452

Today, my friend took me tandem skydiving. When it was time to jump, he began crying, said he'd cut our parachute cords, then said "Goodbye, cruel world!" and pushed me off the plane with him strapped to my back. I pissed myself and cried like a bitch. He thinks his "prank" was hilarious. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Silver Spring

27979

2912

Today, it was my birthday. I got ONE birthday greeting: from my bank, telling me they were closing my account. FML

By Micawber - Denmark

34319

3450

Today, my best friend told me that she was a virgin again because she hadn't had sex in 6 months. She's 19 and actually believes it. FML

By AnonymousAmber - United States - Yadkinville

34059

2847

Today, I had to buy groceries while suffering horrible morning sickness. My nausea magnified as I stood in line behind an obese lady wearing a tank top and tiny short shorts. I lost everything in my stomach when she stuck her hand down her shorts and started scratching at her ass-crack. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Omaha

30225

2320

Today, I went to meet my boyfriend's parents for the first time. His mother, seconds upon meeting me, gave me a hug, smiled at me, and said: "It's so nice to finally meet you! All I ever hear is 'Emma this', and 'Emma that', 'I love Emma!'. He never stops talking about you!" My name's not Emma. FML

By Anonymous - United States

48116

2694

Today, while delivering pizza I was yet again given $0.04 over the total bill and told condescendingly to "keep the change". This happens on every shift. My pay is reduced during deliveries, and I drive my own car and use my own gas. For $0.04. FML

By pizzalady

7964

764

Today, my girlfriend managed to trap a fart in her nightgown and carry it all the way from the bathroom, into our bedroom, and finally into our bed. FML

By Gas-pingForAir - United States - Columbia

12695

1643

Today, I was talking to the girl I've liked for 2 years. We were assigned partners for a History project so we were going to work on it at my house. When she asked me for directions, I told her I lived on Woodcock Road. She yelled slapped me and stormed off. I was serious. FML

By thicklysettled - United States

57428

3363

Today, I decided to get in shape for swimsuit season, so I went to the gym. I tried to lift a barbell up and over my head, which was fine, until I dropped it. Exercise earned me a concussion and a neck brace. FML

By crossfitter

25201

11454

Today, I had a cute girl over and we cuddled on my bed. Later she texted me that she had decided that she didn't want to ever do that again because it turned her on. FML

By Malarky - United States

15099

1206

Today, I was disciplined by my boss for "not smiling enough." I'm a dishwasher. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Charlotte

45305

4817

Today, I was out selling Christmas-themed calendars for charity door-to-door. I rang a doorbell and a wild-eyed man appeared at the door, shouted about being "on nights" and that I'd woken him up, called me a "bell end", threw a newspaper at me and slammed the door in my face. FML

By firemansam - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Advent calendar time!

16517

29657

Today, I was yelled at by a bunch of angry people because I couldn't physically move out of the way while 10 more tried to force their way onto a subway in Shanghai. Then one old lady started hitting me with her purse to get me to move even more. FML

By anonymous - China - Shanghai

24851

2051

Today, I found out there's a Harry Potter club at my school. My boyfriend is in it. FML

By harrypottermuch - Canada

17305

42974

Today, a man reminded me five times how much of a "nice guy" he was during our first conversation, saying also that I seem the sort to date the "bad guys" because I looked sweet and innocent. Then, without waiting for me to say something, he sighed and walked away, muttering that he always finished last. FML

By Don'tjudgeabook

4707

333

Today, it's my birthday. My parents, whom I live with, told me that they did not get me anything, but instead they said they would knock off a bit of the housekeeping I owe them. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

29055

8284

Today, I started at my new job. Turns out my boss is a complete douchebag. He spent most of the day looking over our shoulders and making cuntish comments about our work, then called a guy a piece of shit for farting and forced him to spray disinfectant on his chair. FML

By Mishlette - United Kingdom - Derby

Office Space

31795

2742

Today, I dropped my keys in the sewer. The spare ones are inside my locked car. FML

By - France

28879

11372