Pillow Love

Today, I was fixing some photos for a client. I spent 20 minutes trying to Photoshop an unusual black dot out of a picture. Only then did I discover it was a black dot on my computer screen. FML

Noise

This ain't working out

A beautiful truck decoration

By confusedphotographer - 19/4/2009 18:09 - United States

13819

64073

Today, the $300 ring my boyfriend gave me for my birthday slipped off my finger... into the toilet. I had to sift through my own poo to get it back. FML

By ohhelllllno - 20/4/2009 10:05 - Canada

66007

19668

Today, through a mutual friend, I met the girl of my dreams. After flirting and exchanging numbers with her, my friend confessed that she's liked me since the day we met. Now the girl of my dreams doesn't want to pursue a relationship with me out of respect for our friend. FML

By Anonymous - 22/4/2016 20:20 - United States - San Francisco

22342

1734

Today, I had a few friends over. Wanting to seem cool, I yelled at my girlfriend to get me a beer. She chucked four bottles at my head. All my friends cheered her on. FML

By Anonymous - 19/7/2012 04:55 - United States - San Diego

7829

80617

Today, I was stage managing a school show. Some kids were goofing off backstage, so I yelled at them that they could hurt themselves. While walking back to my chair, I tripped over my own feet and fell 5 feet off the stage. I shattered my cheekbone telling kids they would hurt themselves. FML

By AllThatJazz - 15/4/2009 20:06 - United States

52920

13327

Today, at the restaurant where I work, I served a table of 4 middle-age women. Before greeting the table, I was deciding between saying "Can I get you anything to drink?" and "Can I start you off with something?" My actual greeting? "Can I get you ladies off?" FML

By serverdessert - 8/3/2009 21:02 - United States

48435

19242

Today, I told a guy that I was on birth control. He decided that it would be best for us not to continue speaking with each other. I never would've thought taking care of myself would be a deal breaker. FML

By anotherdayfml - 4/3/2020 21:00

Strong incel vibes

1535

143

Today, I finally came to terms with the fact that my girlfriend considers me a glorified ATM. FML

By ClearOne - 12/5/2011 19:25 - United States

19587

31898

Today, I discovered that I've spent so much time playing Sudoku in the bathroom at work that I've trained myself to need to pee whenever I open the app. FML

By sudoku_fiend - 13/12/2015 04:40 - United States - Millville

20599

5768

Today, I went on a date. After we finished our meal, I had to use the bathroom really bad. When I said so, my date totally lost it and accused me of planning on climbing out a window and ditching her. "Fuck that and fuck you!" she said, then stormed out, leaving me with the bill. FML

By Anonymous - 31/12/2015 18:12 - Australia

33332

2921

Today, I cycled 30 minutes through hail and rain to get my pregnant girlfriend the crisps she was craving. When I made it back, she didn't want them anymore. FML

By Anonymous - 27/2/2011 17:41 - Ireland

43301

7854

Today, I was accepted into a police academy. I called my girlfriend of 2 years, who was supportive through the process. She promptly broke up with me, stating, "You'll be really busy in the academy, and I can't marry a police officer. Its a dangerous job." And then called me selfish for "doing this to us." FML

By FuturePolice - 23/1/2012 09:56 - United States

38409

3481

Today, my father and I were out in town when a lady walked up and commented on what a great looking couple we were. My dad puts his arm around me and says "Thank you! We've been together for 17 years." FML

By rositaleigh - 1/7/2019 00:06

Dad jokes FTW!

1786

210

Today, my mom accused me of stealing $350 from her. She didn't accuse my unemployed brother, who just bought a brand new iPhone. Even after he confessed to her, she thought he was covering for me. My brother has a criminal record for theft. FML

By ohhaithur - 26/7/2019 02:00

2356

Today, I was eating Star Wars gummy candies and I bit R2-D2 in half. My girlfriend looked at it and said "Oh look, now he's R1-D1". It was super cute, but I couldn't help thinking, "That's not how the numbering system works for droids." FML

By techiefIve - 14/6/2011 10:04 - United States

16543

53238

Today, it's my fourth day of my trip to the USA. I've actually started keeping count of the number of times people get confused because I was born in South Africa and yet am not black. Current count: 9. FML

By WTF, guys? - 26/8/2014 16:22 - United States - San Francisco

46328

4128

Today, I really wanted something to drink. I looked in the fridge, and found some of my grandma's soy milk. I decide to take a swig, and instead of tasting soy, I tasted rotten chicken. Turns out my grandma knew I drink her soy milk and decided to swap it with expired chicken broth. FML

By souped - 10/12/2009 05:41 - United States

10638

42346

Today, while leaving McDonald's, I threw a fry out the window to a flock of seagulls. I watched in the rear-view mirror as it landed in the opposite lane and about 60 winged rats descended upon the street, causing a truck to veer off the road and crash. FML

By John - 10/7/2013 02:48 - United States

30031

50428

Today, I opened the door to what I thought would be a group of trick or treaters. It was actually a naked man. He wanted to come in. FML

By guessthatsatrickthen - 31/10/2015 17:19 - United Kingdom - Leeds

27047

1948

Today, at work I asked a cute, albeit slightly large customer, her name. Being hard of hearing, I thought she said "Porky" and asked her about it. Turns out she'd said Courtney. FML

By Anonymous - 2/11/2011 07:12 - United States

30126

10841

Today, I was having it off with my boyfriend of 3 years in his living room when a girl barges in, sees us, and screams "I knew it!" then rushes out. My boyfriend gets up, grabs his pants and while chasing after her yells "baby she's nothing, you know I only love you!" FML

By anonymous - 7/4/2010 04:21 - United States

73821

7212

Today, my wife wanted me to take her to a new restaurant in town. When I looked it up and saw their prices, I almost had a heart attack. When I said it was too expensive, she snapped "Maybe you'd like to look up 'Lorena Bobbitt' next?!" We went to the restaurant. FML

By wounded pride, intact cock - 17/1/2015 18:49 - United States

32516

6737

Today, I found out what getting slapped in the face with lettuce feels like. FML

By moe - 27/5/2011 05:26 - United States

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7696

Today, I was grocery shopping with my older sister. An elderly couple passed, and the man pointed to my sister, saying, "She LOVES to eat." My sister is 7 months pregnant, and I had to spend the next hour comforting her as she bawled her eyes out because of an off-hand comment from a stranger. FML

By SocietyToday - 27/8/2017 13:00

3970

274

Today, I had a 10 hour drive to Las Vegas with only 2 CDs, Taylor Swift and Jason Mraz, and my girlfriend who thinks she's a good singer. FML

By Username - 27/1/2010 08:35 - France

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8937

Today, I overheard the popular kids say that they were planning on going to the local fast food restaurant to take pictures of the obese people that go there. Not only do I work there, but my family and I were planning on having dinner there tonight. FML

By FattyMcFatFace - 24/5/2019 22:00

1821

242

Today, I was driving in the car with my boyfriend and he couldn't keep his hands off me. Nothing to complain about when your boyfriend likes to touch you, right? Except when he keeps smacking your jiggly thighs to watch the ripples and 'tenderize the pork chops'. FML

By porkythighs - 27/12/2010 14:19 - Singapore

36248

7763

Today, my lazy bastard of a co-worker punched me straight in the jaw because he didn't get the promotion I did. Being his new manager, I fired him. A few hours later, I was fired for "abusing" my power. FML

By NotJobbing - 11/8/2015 23:05 - United Kingdom - London

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3117

Today, I replied to a party invite. I thought I was only replying to the hostess, who's a close friend, so added a P. S. about a recent sex toy purchase I'd made and how rubbish it had been. I only realised after pressing "Send" that I'd selected "Reply All". FML

By Anonymous - 5/10/2014 19:31 - United Kingdom

28354

41183

Today, as a firefighter, we were called to assist the ambulance crew with lifting a deceased patient out of a house. Little did I know, he had been dead inside for 3 weeks, and was bloated and popped like a water balloon when we attempted to move him. My girlfriend made soup for the evening meal. FML

By Fireguy92 - 1/2/2013 04:39 - United States - Dewitt

44207

2556

Today, I found a horde of ants in one of my socks when I put it on my foot. FML

By YeahItsmecoolhuh - 17/2/2011 06:50 - United Arab Emirates

34442

4957

Today, I borrowed a van to move some of my furniture. I wasn't used to the brakes so when I stopped at a red light, I pretty much ended up in the cross walk. Suddenly I heard a loud thud at the side of the van. I turned to see what idiot would walk into a van. It was a blind man. FML

By jazojigga - 2/3/2009 01:09 - United States

16722

52009

Today, I proposed to the love of my life by having the waitress place the ring in her dessert. She ate the whole thing and didn't find the ring. I guess the waitress stole the ring. FML

By jakethemuss - 9/8/2014 23:03 - Australia - Perth

48812

6687

Today, trying to be nice, I sat with the lonely kid at lunch. While eating, he started laughing and showed me his hit list. I was at the top. FML

By dangerZone - 27/2/2013 16:43 - United States - Statesboro

37977

5705

Today, after having to call in a noise complaint about my downstairs neighbors talking loud past midnight, the managers fixed the problem. Now all I can hear is two little girls who like to throw a basketball at the building for hours. FML

By Anonymous - 18/2/2017 15:00 - United States - Pasadena

5103

891

Today, while my 4 year old nephew was hugging me, he stepped back and declared, "Auntie, my Pee-do is hard, but it will go away." FML

By Fag_Hag - 6/2/2009 01:30 - United States

37257

3289

Today, I'm forced to eat half a package of saltine crackers in my room for dinner. I can't go downstairs to the kitchen because my two roommates are going at it on our kitchen table. FML

By robzzz - 16/2/2012 07:13 - Canada

Stuck

32495

3804

Today, I managed to get locked inside a caravan toilet. My relatives heard me having a panic attack and instead of unlocking the door, they called the neighbours over to enjoy my anguish and embarrassment. FML

By RhuLynette - 31/8/2011 06:34 - United Kingdom

26572

2974

Today, I had to explain to my son that his dad was too busy in a raid on World of Warcraft to be at his award ceremony. FML

By fuckmylife - 2/2/2010 20:30 - United States

53273

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