Pillow Love

Today, my roommate moved out. When I went into his room, I found a few things he forgot. Specifically, his beer bottle filled with nail clippings. I emptied it onto my hand before I realized what it was. FML

Instadrama

Shark-infested offices

Pleased to meet you

By cantstopfeelingit

Gross!

4149

2423

Today, I tried to get my boyfriend's attention by taking my bra off and tossing it at him. He only put it on as a hat and kept playing his video games. FML

By Anonymous - United States

21936

3964

Today, I just got back from a Civil War Reenactment in Virginia, my first big event in years. I spent over $200 on gas and food, and had to drive for over 10 hours both ways from Massachusetts. When I finally got there I realized, I had left my uniform at home. FML

By Earthboundb - United States

28133

61417

Today, and for months, my upstairs neighbor has been stomping on their floors, hard enough to shake our walls. We thought it was their child, but found out it’s the mother. She took up running, and due to the pandemic, she does it in the living room. She's already been told to stop. Repeatedly. I work 12-hour nights. FML

By guiltyschuldig49 - 28/5/2020 14:00

Noise annoys

1703

116

Today, my girlfriend's phone was stolen. I have no idea who I've been sexting the entire afternoon. FML

By Sexting - United States

34823

9158

Today, I was having it off with my boyfriend of 3 years in his living room when a girl barges in, sees us, and screams "I knew it!" then rushes out. My boyfriend gets up, grabs his pants and while chasing after her yells "baby she's nothing, you know I only love you!" FML

By anonymous - United States

73848

7259

Today, I pulled off the road to help a turtle cross it. Before I could get out of my car a dump truck ran over the turtle, splattering my car with turtle guts and bits of shell. FML

By RestlessDiesel - United States - Hudson

23967

1821

Today, I was woken up by my dog scratching at my door. After a while of this, I finally got up to let her in. When I opened the door, she looked at me, threw up, and scurried away. FML

By Anonymous - Spain - Santa Cruz De Tenerife

28917

9644

Today, I hooked up with my ex-girlfriend, after she confessed to still being in love with me. I logged into Facebook after she left, only to find her status set to "I think I just made a big mistake." FML

By Anonymous - Canada

29026

8629

Today, after an argument with a coworker, I sent him "Sorry about being such a jerk" in a reply to a mass email he had sent. I accidentally hit 'Reply All'. I now have 32 "It's okay" messages in my inbox. FML

By Anonymous - United States

10827

32006

Today, I'm sick with the worst head cold of my life. For some reason whenever I cough, I also fart. Everyone thinks I'm just trying to cover up flatulence with fake coughing. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Vancouver

38011

3486

Today, I found my daughter sobbing and trying to stick a wad of gauze to her vagina. She was having her first period. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Dayton

26232

11274

Today, my son sprayed the bottom of my car and windows white with fake snow in Christmas cheer. He did a great job, except he used white spray paint instead of the fake snow. FML

By teejayrn - United States - Fayetteville

29459

2429

Today, I learned that being a twin really isn't that cool. After laughing at my twin brother for getting a speeding ticket he turns to me and says "It's not mine." Confused, I look at the ticket and see my name. He used my license. FML

By Twinner - Canada

50047

4674

Today, I went to fill up my car. 500 metres before the petrol station, I saw a group of motorcyclists in my rear view mirror. I slowed down and pulled over to let them past. In fact, they were also going to fill up. 35 motorcyclists and 2 petrol pumps. FML

By gui909 - France

24711

7267

Today, after much debate I let my mom wax my eyebrows. Now I get to look super surprised until they grow back. FML

By madib33 - United States

41381

9946

Today, my boss sent me to remove a tree from a client's home. So I went and cut down the tree, only for my boss to show up an hour later, speechless. I was supposed to remove a sapling that had sprouted through the driveway tarmac, not the 100-year-old prizewinning Japanese cherry tree. FML

By Anonymous

Misunderstanding

1296

3256

Today, I told my boss that I quit, and handed in my two week's notice. A couple of hours later, I found my letter of resignation had been photocopied and copies hung all around the office with "Best day ever" written on the bottom. FML

By sad face - Australia - Chatswood

25922

5269

Today, my husband told me he had been cheating on me for the past 8 months. Twenty minutes later, he asked me what was for dinner. FML

By fmldailyyy - Ireland

40888

3059

Today, I was fiddling with a ring my aunt hand made me, accidentally slipping it off, and dropped it in the toilet. Like an idiot, I scrambled to get it out only for my bending over to activate the automatic flush. FML

By Lostring

3050

927

Today, my boyfriend of three months told me that he had cheated on me two months ago with my best friend. I decided to give him a second chance. About twenty minutes later, he then broke up with me for not wanting to watch football. Apparently I don't care about his feelings. FML

By Anonymous - United States

30698

12954

Today, the parking shuttle for work pulled away right as I was walking up to it. I was late to work. For the second day in a row. FML

By Anonymous - 3/1/2021 01:58

Wait for me!

379

604

Today, I called my seven-year old son to help me with the ice-maker on the fridge because it wasn't working. Without even pausing, he turned the child lock off and started laughing at me. FML

By unnamed - United States

15484

39106

Today, I dawned on me that my step-dad, who cheated on and is now divorcing my mom, is my favorite family member. FML

By Wtffmlfs

Modern Family

1328

154

Today, I went for a jog in my neighborhood. While I was running I passed my girlfriend's parents who were out for a walk. Trying to make a good impression, I stopped to talk. When I got home I realized I was wearing a shirt that friends gave me as a joke. It said "Blow me, bitch. It's my b-day." FML

By Noname - United States

21085

78977

Today, I told my daughter that she won't be going to her homecoming dance as punishment for her terrible grades. She's been crying and singing "If I Die Young" in her room for hours. At this point, I don't know if I need to call a therapist or a vocal coach. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Aurora

31443

10120

Today, a few hours after me and my husband had sex, he mumbled "This is why I hate sex," as he left to grab some Tylenol. Apparently, he's so out of shape that basic sex made his muscles too sore to sleep. This is the first time in 2 weeks we've had sex. I'm always the one that has to ask for it. FML

By Anonymous - 18/7/2020 20:01

Sore

2239

236

Today, I found out that all the everyday Spanish words and phrases my boyfriend has been teaching me have very vulgar meanings. I found this out after I said a few to our waitress. FML

By Anonymous - United States

27701

6616

Today, I found out that my parents like rough sex. I found the whip and handcuffs. FML

By mster233 - United States

33206

5785

Today, I walked into my son's room to be attacked by a swarm of flies. I'm afraid to go back in there. FML

By ENDmySUFFERING - United Kingdom - Southampton

11172

1282

Today, my girlfriend was giving me head. When I came, she was scared of the "stuff" that came out. FML

By BOO!

2068

358

Today, after I caught my husband cheating and lying, he had the nerve to claim it wasn't a big deal because, "I always come home to you!" FML

By Anonymous

5389

379

Today, I found out that while I was attending AA meetings to help understand how to help my boyfriend of 7 years when he got back from rehab, that he was not in rehab at all. He was on vacation. With his wife. FML

By Bun - 11/10/2020 23:01 - United States - Baltimore

Pants on fire

1468

138

Today, for the third time this week, my boss made me switch desks. Each new desk is closer to the door than the last one. I think he's trying to tell me something. FML

By Fmyoffice - United Kingdom

33756

2745

Today, I fell asleep in the middle of an online class. Now everyone calls me Sleeping Beauty. FML

By Anonymous - 15/9/2020 13:31 - India - Delhi

Zzzzzzzzzz

634

987

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of two years broke up with me because she wants to "become" a lesbian. I also learned that she's coming to my house for dinner tonight. My sister is her date. FML

By fd_uplife - United States

72302

4223

Today, I got a computer. When I opened it, I found out that my dad had made himself the administrator. He made it so everything shut off after 11 o'clock, and made it so I couldn't download anything without his password. FML

By graduate - United States

66837

7572

Today, I came out to my father. He seemed to be totally okay with it, as long as I'm the "man" in my relationships. FML

By anonymous - United States

33200

9219

Today, at the beach, I noticed a plastic bag in the water. I wanted to do something good for a change, help protect the environment and get it out. It wasn't a bag; it was a jellyfish. FML

By Muwz - France - Paris

44422

9735