Today, I thought my neighbors were having a loud argument, so I went to knock on their door to make sure everything was OK. They weren’t fighting, they were rehearsing lines for a community theater play. They invited me to the show. I still haven’t recovered from the embarrassment. FML
Today, I was looking for a tiny little container I use to keep my medication dosages when I travel. I checked just about every place I could think of, so where did I finally find it? Behind the wide open closet door. It had fallen out of my travel bag, which I'd used last week, and rolled behind the tiny nook it made. FML
Today, my ex-wife got engaged to the guy who she started dating two weeks into our six month "trial separation." I can't even get a date.. FML
Today, I kept having dreams that I had made drunken snapchats. Those weren't just dreams. FML
Today, I blurted out “Love you, bye!” at the end of a professional phone call. There was a long pause before he replied, “Uh… thank you for your help?” My coworkers heard everything. I'm now scared of my work phone ringing. FML
Today, I have come to accept that my girlfriend has such obvious daddy issues that I can only turn her on by dressing/acting/sounding like him, but not too obviously because if she realises that’s what I’m doing, she screams, “I do not want to have sex with my dad!” then starts crying. FML
Today, out of pure exhaustion, I laughed way too hard at something my coworker said. I got the giggles, and I couldn't stop. When everyone stopped talking, I realized I was the only one still laughing, sounding unhinged. I need a vacation. FML
Today, I checked the mail. It was New Year's Day. I didn't realize my mistake until someone else pointed it out and I let out a "D'oh!" like Homer Simpson. FML
Today, I learned that not all toilets are created equal. I visited a friend's house, and their super fancy toilet decided to give me a surprise bidet experience. The water pressure was so high, I ended up soaking my clothes. I had to borrow my friend's brother's clothes. He’s 14. I’m 25. FML
Today, I’m a retiree who recently joined a gym for the first time. The trainer asked me what my goals were. I said, honestly, “To not fall over.” He nodded and wrote it down. Later I saw my workout plan titled: ANTI-FALL PROTOCOL. Other gym members now ask me how my falling is going. FML
Today, my cats found a new game to play. They each sit on either side of the cat flap, and take turns hitting it. Clack, clack. Clack, clack. At 3 am. Clack, clack. Clack, clack. FML
Today, drunk at a party, I leaned through a window to throw up. I was outside. FML
Today, I was having a hard time waking up. When I sat down for breakfast, my chair rocked backwards. I reflexively grabbed out at something to hold on to. Unfortunately, I grabbed the cereal box that was on the table. FML
Today, I was eating lunch with my boyfriend when I started choking. My boyfriend took it as an opportunity to sneak food off my plate. FML
Today, I was promoted to Executive Assistant of our new managing director. Alas, no one told me that, alongside her occasional periods of managerial brilliance, she has severe ADHD and dyslexia, so as well as an assistant I’m also her babysitter, interpreter, maid, nurse, tutor, etc. FML
Today, I took the kids I'm babysitting to the farm to feed the animals. They were a little scared of the llama, so I showed them how nice it was by feeding it a lot of bread. Then, as I was telling the farmer how I loved the llama and wanted to take it home, it spit grass and bread all over my face. FML
Today, my best friend died in a car accident. I'm currently on a cruise with my family and my parents refuse to pay for me to go home early, which means I'm likely going to miss the funeral. FML
Today, I was starting a new job that requires me to wake up at 4 am. I set three alarms but was so nervous about sleeping through them that I kept waking up to check the time, which caused me to miss my alarms. Goodbye awesome new job. FML
Today, as I was stood on an escalator, my shoelace got caught in the step. Panicking, I tried to pull it out, but my shoe came off. I had to awkwardly hop back down the escalator to retrieve it while everyone around me in the mall watched. FML
Today, my family threw me a surprise party. I was so surprised, I punched my mom in the face when she screamed, "SURPRISE!" FML
Today, I was putting the finishing touches on my portrait of a young boy in art class. I asked my teacher if she could help correct the bad parts of my portrait. She said, "Well that would take all day and I just don't have the time." She was serious. I thought this was my best work yet. FML
Today, I found out that the "school after you graduate" meme is true. When I was there, only one of the classrooms had AC. Now they all do. Additionally, a bunch of particularly ineffectual teachers got sacked. I missed out on being around adults with spines and brains and not being cooked alive every day. FML
Today, while waiting for class, I let out a huge fart in front of everyone thinking no one would hear it over the music. I was wearing headphones. FML
Today, my company released its yearly magazine and I was in the background of a picture directing men around the site. It was the worst photograph I’ve ever seen. It managed to make me look like Hitler with an exposed belly, including the moustache and the salute, and I don’t even have a moustache. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I had the day off so we agreed fun by having the "afternoon in". In bed, that is. We got in bed, clothes off, and started to touch each other when she held her gut and yelled, "Oh shit! Oh shit! I have to shit!" She did a poop that came out like a waterfall. Diarrhea ended our fun. FML
Today, I was wondering if I might be bi, so I hopped on Grindr and met up with a cute guy to experiment with. It ended up being so awful that I decided nope, definitely not bi. Unfortunately now he won't leave me alone, even after I told him that I made a mistake and I'm not interested. FML
Today, my son climbed into our bed because he'd had a nightmare. He and my wife spent hours whispering and giggling like they were at a slumber party. Cute, until the next morning, when they were both tired, grumpy, and uncooperative. FML
Today, some dumbass ripped my facemask off, spit in my face, and ran away. FML
Today, I was in the hospital. My mom was with me and the pump was beeping for over two hours because everyone was busy with other patients. The Asian doctor came in and my mom said, “THESE PUMPS SOUND LIKE CHINESE TORTURE!“ He stared at her and was like, “Umm. We don’t actually do that there.” FML
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