Awkward Compliments

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend whom I love dearly because he doesn't share his feelings and won't commit. Yesterday, he wrote me a long love letter telling me he wanted to marry me. One of my kids had shoved it under my printer and I didn't find it until after he had moved out. FML

Headache

Sister of the year

Reliable

By lynxstorm - 17/11/2009 04:13 - United States

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Today, I was cycling with my uncle and became increasingly frustrated as we got further and further from our intended destination. It took me a while to figure out that I had somehow lost my uncle and was following a complete stranger. FML

By Anonymous - 10/9/2012 10:40 - Australia - Ipswich

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Today, my in-laws kept mocking me for being "too clean" because I take a shower every day. They think I'm weird and kept saying things like "Be careful when you hug your daughter, she might squeak!" and calling me names like "water-wasting bitch." They haven't stopped all day. FML

By Anonymous - 12/2/2014 17:26 - United States - Louisville

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Today, I walked outside to find my 3 year old daughter and her pet fish playing together on the swings. FML

By Jack00412 - 8/7/2014 19:55 - United States - Montague

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Today, I tried to explain to my history teacher why Woodrow Wilson would not have called the Great War "World War 1" as she constantly claims. I was sent to the office for my insubordination. FML

By Anonymous - 18/4/2013 07:54 - United States - Chicago

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Today, my dogs broke through our electric fence, one of whom managed to get his collar off. I picked it up and, without thinking, went across the fence line. I screamed like a chihuahua being run over by a bulldozer. FML

By Anonymous - 28/11/2011 23:54 - United States

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Today, I noticed a rather small man being harassed by a rather large man, so I tried to help out and break it up. The small guy punched me in the face and said, "Mind your business!" The large guy laughed and fist-bumped him. FML

By Nice Guy - 29/10/2012 07:55 - United States - San Diego

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Today, I went shopping with my new "It's true, I'm a Ninja" shirt on. Suddenly an apple comes and hits me right in the eye. A little boy runs up to me, yells "You aren't a Ninja! A Ninja would have caught that!", and runs off. FML

By Anonymous - 8/11/2010 01:13 - United States

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Today, my 6 year old daughter walked in on my husband and I getting it on. Now she won't stop 'pretending to be daddy' against items of furniture. We have guests coming round in three hours. FML

By Jessica - 15/5/2009 00:03 - United States

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Today, I was driving to a blind date my friend set me up on. Feeling pretty excited, I started singing to Katy Perry. I look over to see a man laughing at me, I flipped him the bird and drove off. Little did I know, he was my date. FML

By unknown - 24/1/2011 08:08 - United States

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Today, I told my roommates they have to go get jobs, because I can't afford to support them or their bad habits any more. They responded by pawning all my DVDs for cash to buy cigarettes. FML

By Anonymous - 17/11/2013 01:03 - United States

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Today, I was dumped by my boyfriend. He claimed that it's because he's an agent fighting the Mafia, and he doesn't want to put my life at risk through reprisal attacks. FML

By Anonymous - 27/8/2012 22:21 - France - Paris

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Today, I was going to do some laundry, with the washer and dryer I bought off of Craigslist for 150 dollars. The washer leaks and the dryer doesn't dry. So I called the guy and left an angry message about how the washer flooded my kitchen. In fact I just forgot to hook up the drain hose. FML

By Anonymous - 10/7/2009 16:46 - United States

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Today, I was walking in Walmart and this cute guy walked by me and winked. I thought he wanted to talk so I followed him around the store trying to catch up. Turns out it wasn't a wink, he had something in his eye. And he told the security person that a weird girl was stalking him. FML

By liz - 21/5/2009 23:46 - United States

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Today, my now ex-boyfriend called the cops on me and told them I wasn’t letting him in the house. His keys were in the door, he was just too drunk to unlock it. FML

By Anonymous - 7/10/2019 20:00

Drunk dick

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Today, after 10 months of hard work, it was the opening night of the show I was directing. Everybody loved it, except my mother. She called it the worst thing she'd ever seen. Thanks for the support, mum. FML

By Disappointed - 19/2/2014 21:33 - United Kingdom - Brighton

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Today, I told my boyfriend I was really horny. He then gave me the link to his favorite "porn". He said I should do it for him. It was a youtube video of some girl making a sandwich. FML

By fmysexlife - 27/7/2009 05:06 - United States

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Today, I received a message on Facebook from a guy I've liked for a year. He asked me if I wanted to hang out, so I said yes. When I walked out to his car later on, he gave me a really confused look. Apparently I was on my brother's Facebook, and he'd never logged out. FML

By Leota - 15/8/2011 16:20 - United States

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Today, I got stuck in a three-hour traffic jam because I sneezed and missed the road I was meant to take. FML

By blocked - 29/5/2012 22:24 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend gave me a teddy bear keyring. I had to explain that although many grown women like cuddly toys, I don't. And even if I did, a filthy, soaking wet bear he found in a puddle on the street is not a nice gesture, despite his suggestion I can just wash it in the machine. FML

By NoTeddies - 21/9/2016 22:48 - United Kingdom - Leicester

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Today, my lesbian sister enthusiastically showed me her new strap on. Not only does she get more girls than me, she now has a bigger penis too. FML

By stillsingleladies - 17/2/2009 15:27 - United States

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Today, I accidentally threw a glass of iced tea in my own face, because the restaurant I'd patronized for over a decade switched from heavy glass mugs to identical light-as-a-feather plastic mugs. FML

By BlueMacaw - 16/9/2015 06:53 - United States - Lake Elsinore

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Today, the guy I've been dating and sleeping with told me he is also dating another woman, but that they only kiss. I was under the impression we were exclusive for two months now, since I told him if we slept together that it would be. FML

By Anonymous - 3/4/2020 08:00

Not so special

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Today, the disgruntled ex-boyfriend of a woman who lives three floors down from me slashed her tires for breaking up with him. He also, for good measure, slashed the tires of the person parked to the left and right of her. I was parked to the right of her. FML

By sofked - 9/10/2009 21:34 - United States

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Today, I woke up with a carpet burn. From sleeping. Alone. In my bed. FML

By Anonymous - 10/7/2019 16:00

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Today, while at work, a customer gave me a $20 tip. I explained to him we aren't allowed to accept tips, but he insisted. When I called the manager to report it, he pocketed my tip. FML

By Anonymous - 10/11/2012 07:23 - United States

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Today, my older brother told me that the only reason I like cats is because they control minds. I laughed. He was serious. FML

By Zoey_M - 8/7/2013 23:26 - Saudi Arabia - Riyadh

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Today, I had a really important meeting for my career. The guy I was supposed to be meeting was driving from across the state, and it was supposed to begin at noon. It's now 4. What if I leave and he shows up after having driven across the state? I don't dare move. FML

By Anonymous - 29/8/2019 16:00 - United States

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Today, I found out that my boyfriend of 4 years thinks my chemotherapy sessions are the perfect opportunity to sleep with other girls. FML

By Anonymous - 31/8/2017 16:00

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Today, the plant on my windowsill fell and landed in my face while I was napping. It's a cactus. FML

By Username - 15/7/2011 19:51 - United States

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Today, I came back from a holiday and the friend who'd been looking after my cats returned my spare key. When I wanted to put some relaxing music on, I noticed that he'd switched most of my CDs around in their cases. I have over a thousand of them. Very funny, thanks. FML

By Veryfunny - 23/2/2012 23:52 - Australia

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Today, my brother got pantsed by his idiot friends. It was a surprise to everyone that he was wearing women's underwear at the time, but even more of a surprise for me that the underwear belonged to me. FML

By Anonymous - 15/6/2014 18:01 - United States - Corona

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Today, my boyfriend told me he loved me. I asked why, and he said "Because sometimes you look good, and you buy me stuff." FML

By Anonymous - 16/8/2014 02:16 - Australia - Notting Hill

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Today, I was stuck at the airport overnight waiting for my flight for about 5 hours. I then went and looked at the departures board. It said that my flight had already departed. FML

By Phantommajik - 10/5/2011 16:08 - United States

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Today, I was having a hot telephone conversation with my boyfriend who lives in another state. Unfortunately, I even have to fake orgasms during phone sex. FML

By Anonymous - 27/5/2010 04:10 - United States

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Today, I was being shown how to use a nail gun while applying for a job at a construction company. The instructor shot me in the arm with it. I didn't even get the job. FML

By watch_corn_dance - 8/4/2014 02:13 - United States - Pontiac

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Today, while sitting at my desk at work, a co-worker asked for my help. It was only after I had walked over to his desk, bent over, answered his question, and walked back to my stall, that I felt a breeze. My tube top had slid down across my breasts, revealing my bra to the entire office. FML

By Lana - 20/7/2010 12:43 - Austria

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Today, I went to the movies with my boyfriend. We went inside the theatre and he saw a couple of his friends. Instead of saying hi and coming back to watch the movie with me, he ditched me for them. When I reminded him he was forgetting something, he grabbed the popcorn out of my hands and left. FML

By ditched - 17/8/2009 19:49 - Canada

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Today, my boyfriend told me that he believes getting kicked in the balls is a scientifically-proven method of birth control. FML

By Jordan - 8/4/2012 10:37 - Australia - Wahroonga

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Today, I came across a tourist in the street asking people for directions, but nobody understood him. I speak English, so I went to help the gentleman out. He said "Knock it off with the cheesy accent, pal" and informed me that my country is a shithole. FML

By thank u usa - 13/12/2013 22:20 - Germany

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