When you&#039;re too cute to look angry

Today, my boyfriend laid his head on my bare chest and said, "You're like my mother." FML

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By motherlover - 5/8/2014 04:40 - United States - Hoffman Estates

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Today, I was in the shower when I realised that maybe I'm getting a little too fat. I was scrubbing the old belly when a dollar flew out onto the floor. I'm 23. FML

By tripleBBB - 9/9/2018 01:30

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Today, I learned that you should always check the inside of your guitar to avoid a snake bite. Nope, strings don't help. FML

By filipkm - 28/4/2016 22:04 - Slovenia - Ljubljana

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Today, I was packing, when my parents told me to put my little sister's toothbrush in the top pocket of their suitcase. The pocket I opened had 3 unopened boxes of condoms in it. We're going to my gran's house, and I'm going to be sleeping on a mattress on the floor of their room. FML

By Anonymous - 26/1/2014 05:10 - United States - Denver

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Today, I tried to befriend the lonely boy who sits at the end of my table at lunch. He always sleeps or does homework during lunch. I walked over to him, tripped, and spilled my open bottle of water on his jeans. I apologized profusely and wiped off his pants with napkins. He got hard. FML

By brighteyes - 31/1/2009 17:01 - United States

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Today, I was looking at my friend's dad's Facebook pictures because he recently posted a status update. I saw him at a bar with some ugly hooker that he was feeling up in almost every picture. After about 10 minutes of ridiculing and laughing at this ugly woman, I realize it's my mom in a wig. FML

By disturbed2103 - 9/7/2009 00:07 - United States

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Today, I was trying to go to sleep when I heard my sister come home from the bar. I fell asleep and woke up an hour later to see my sister squatting in my dresser drawer. I asked her what she was doing and she said "I'm peeing." FML

By jessefonsexy. - 7/12/2010 11:08 - United States

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Today, I found out that my new roommate is dating my ex-boyfriend. FML

By Anonymous - 22/5/2019 11:47

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Today, after bringing my dog back inside, he started whining. I thought it was because he wanted his toys, but he was really trying to say, "Help me," as a torpedo of diarrhea exploded out of him, leaving a trail down the hallway. FML

By ukfan - 6/10/2010 16:01 - United States

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Today, I was walking my dog around my neighborhood, when I saw this really cute boy. My dog then saw a squirrel and dragged me through mud. FML

By psh_idontbite - 13/3/2015 03:55 - United States

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Today, I found out my mom has been telling my entire family I need surgery on my "Labia" instead of my "Labrum". I went from needing shoulder surgery to needing vagina surgery with one group text. Thanks, mom. FML

By me - 11/7/2016 03:00 - United States - Norman

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Today, I was making breakfast with my parrot on my shoulder. He was excited about the food, and in his rush to climb down to the counter, bit through my nipple. I had to get stitches. FML

By No Nip - 25/4/2019 12:00

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Today, I woke up naked next to my gay roommate after a night of drinking. Neither he nor I remember anything. FML

By holyshitbatman - 22/9/2012 14:06 - United States - Chicago

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Today, my brother flicked a huge bug onto my foot, making me freak out and fall into my outdoors pool. The water was so cold that I started hyperventilating. My brother left to "get help". I finally managed to get out, and found him watching TV. FML

By Anonymous - 6/11/2010 11:45 - Australia

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Today, I've learned that when in a job interview at a Japanese company, the words, "Now we would like you to undertake a small Japanese test to check your Japanese level" actually means, "We would like you to gather all your hopes and dreams of you ever working for us, and let them die." FML

By Pims - 15/4/2017 12:00

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Today, whilst trying on a pair of jeans, I got my genitals caught in my fly. I'm a woman. FML

By box bulge - 21/10/2011 01:24 - China

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Today, my kitchen nearly burned down because the fire alarm didn't detect the plumes of smoke wafting through the kitchen. This is the same alarm that wails when I use the toaster. FML

By Lea - 16/1/2012 20:18 - Denmark

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Today, my girlfriend smelt my penis after I got back from the gym. She was making sure it didn't smell like latex. I can't even go to the gym without her thinking I'm cheating on her. FML

By evomadrid24 - 17/6/2011 00:33 - United States

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Today, I texted the hottest girl in the school saying, "I really like you, we should date". She responded with a text saying, "Sorry, I'm not into you." I then got a text saying, "Sorry, my brother stole my phone, and answered, but still it's no". I got rejected twice. Once by a man. FML

By misterhippo - 22/4/2009 04:09 - United States

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Today, my car broke down. The good news is I can afford to have it fixed. The bad news is paying for the fix will wipe out my savings, which I need to get certified for a non-minimum-wage job. FML

By Anonymous - 4/6/2016 03:49 - United States - Rockford

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Today, my bathroom flooded. I frantically cleaned my apartment as fast as I could before the plumber arrived. Everything was finally clean when I let him in. It wasn't until after he finished that I noticed I'd left my anal beads in the shower. There's no way he didn't notice. FML

By Anonymous - 1/5/2013 18:41 - United States - Downey

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Today, I received a package from Amazon. My mum smiled at me when I entered the living room, pointing to my package. She had already opened it and held back her smile. My penis pills for longer endurance just got delivered. FML

By Wrabel - 8/6/2015 16:00 - Germany - Mainz

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Today, one of my employees was fired for refusing to do a basic job necessity. After the meeting with HR, he left the office and tried to go back to work. FML

By Anonymous - 13/6/2019 03:00

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Today, I realized our cat has a sixth sense for when he wants to be seen. When we don't care where the cat is, he's within plain sight. When we lose track of him and are in a panic worrying if he got out, he's hiding. FML

By Anonymous - 10/8/2020 05:02

And probably giggling

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Today, while shopping, a lady came up to me and asked if she could borrow my baby because, "Y'know, I'm in a hurry and they'll let me checkout first." FML

By Anonymous - 11/11/2014 23:48 - France

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Today, while vacuuming my new apartment, I farted a few times. After my last fart, I turned to find my super-hot neighbor standing at the door. Panicking, I asked in a "I-didn't-just-fart-my-ass" tone, "Oh hi! Been standing there for long?" She replied, "Since your initial rip." FML

By Fartfail - 18/4/2012 13:43 - Hong Kong - Corozal

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Today, I went home early from a business trip to find my house covered with rose petals. Thinking it was a romantic notion from my boyfriend, I went up to the bedroom. I opened the door to find him lying there, getting it on with my sister. FML

By Shobz - 26/10/2009 16:04 - United Kingdom

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Today, a guy came into the small coffee shop I work at, and got angry because I wouldn't accept his Starbucks gift card as valid payment. When I told him we clearly aren't a Starbucks, he said "It's all the same shit" and ended up throwing a punch at me. FML

By the customer is always a cunt - 20/12/2013 21:48 - United States - Sarasota

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Today, while I was working at a gas station, a man came up to the register with his zipper undone and his penis hanging out in full view. I had to awkwardly hand him his change while trying not to look or make eye contact. FML

By forever damaged - 21/12/2015 04:24 - United States - Wallkill

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Today, my grandparents are in town for the weekend and are staying in our guest bedroom. This morning I went upstairs to get a drink of water only to see my 75 year old grandfather standing stark naked with the fridge door open. He then asks me if we have any coffee creamer. FML

By Anonymous - 6/5/2009 01:39 - United States

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Today, while doing self-checkout at Walmart, the cap of my laundry detergent came off as I scanned it and dumped all over me. FML

By kaydebug - 15/8/2018 03:30

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Today, my neighbor at my apartment building told me water from my sink was leaking into his apartment. He told me to call maintenance to fix it, but they won't help unless he calls. He refuses to, and I can't do my dishes without feeling like an asshole. FML

By Anonymous - 5/3/2015 02:05

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Today, I listened to a woman take an extremely fragrant crap while I waited for my pregnacy test result in the Target bathroom. FML

By teeeessst - 13/12/2009 06:26 - United States

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Today, my mother-in-law sent me a pedometer for my birthday. I've been confined to a wheelchair for most of my life. FML

By Anonymous - 22/2/2015 16:09 - Canada - Kitchener

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Today, my friend accidentally left her facebook logged onto my computer after she left my house. I looked on her facebook and found a very long message between her and my other friends talking about how much they hate me. FML

By Anonymous - 29/11/2009 06:31 - United States

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Today, after a trip to the emergency room for severe stomach pain and almost passing out in the shower, I slipped on the wet bathroom floor and broke my two front teeth. FML

By Anonymous - 13/5/2019 12:00

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Today, I went fishing with my dad. I figured, since we were out on the dock, I may as well get rid of my farmer's tan. I fell asleep in the sun and woke up to a fishing net draped over me. I now have a fishnet pattern down the front of my body. FML

By jhughes1997 - 17/6/2013 01:39 - United States - Decatur

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Today, I woke up at my girlfriend's house, dying to pee during a thunderstorm. Ran to the bathroom, but it was occupied. A huge thunderclap scared me pretty bad. When the door finally opened, my girlfriend's mom walked out, laughing. I realized the thunder scared me into peeing my pants. FML

By Anonymous - 16/6/2020 17:01

Peaky Bladders

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Today, my birthday, was going great until my boyfriend received a text from a girl saying he gave her chlamydia. Now I have no boyfriend, but at least I have the chlamydia keeping me company. FML

By unluckybirthdaykid - 11/9/2017 23:15

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Today, a customer came into the music shop I work in to look at guitars. After calling the customer "Dude," and "Man," numerous times, they stalked off suddenly. When I asked if everything was okay, they responded with, "I'm female, you asshole!" FML

By Z88 - 21/4/2010 20:29 - South Africa

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