When you&#039;re too cute to look angry

Today, I woke up next to my girlfriend, but in fact, it wasn’t her. FML

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Rock, hard place

The smell detective is on the case

Ungrateful

By Anonymous

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Today, my social awkwardness got to an all-time high when I hoped that I wouldn't get the job that I applied for, because I'd be working with the public. FML

By username - 6/6/2020 08:04

Keep out

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Today, I emailed my boss to let her know I was uncomfortable working over what my university’s 28-hour policy allows. She demanded I work 40 hours this week. In any other job, I'd be fine, but if I work over 28 hours, the university will fire me. If I refuse to work 28 hours, my boss will fire me. FML

By Why me. - United States - Kent

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Today, a bible toting evangelist on the street ambushed me and asked me what my religion was. I wear a hijab. FML

By itisobviouseinstein - United States - New York

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Today, I used so many different perfume testers that I passed out on the bus. FML

By justnance - United Kingdom

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Today, I learned that a spontaneous romantic gesture of arriving home early with flowers and wine is not welcome when your wife is busy having sex with your brother. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

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Today, I found out that despite having attended every university party held over the last two years, the only physical contact I have had with a member of the opposite sex is when the security guard stamps my hand. FML

By Lonely - Australia

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Today, I discovered my deadbeat ex-husband will not have to pay child support anymore, because while he sat on CERB the entire pandemic, I was an essential worker, and will be punished for having had an actual income. FML

By Anonymous - 13/11/2020 23:02 - Canada

Yeah, fuck the poor

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Today, my husband and I mutually discovered that we are both infected with pubic lice. How? I found his and he found mine while we were in the middle of 69-ing each other. So, so gross. FML

By krabby patty

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Today, I got tipped more than I have in my bank account. It was $5. FML

By Topher - United States

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Today, it was an extremely hot day so I hit up the beach for a swim. Just as I entered the water, the first wave approached me. I tried to jump it and lost my footing, managing to dislocate my hip. I had to be dragged from the water by the lifeguards. FML

By water fail - New Zealand - Auckland

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Today, I found out that falling asleep with a bobby pin in your hair means waking up with one jammed in your ear drum. FML

By Diana - United States

We hear ya

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Today, I was opening up to my close friend about my low self esteem. To make me feel better, he told me that he gets a boner whenever he walks behind me. FML

By anonymous - United States

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Today, my best friend got engaged to the guy she's been seeing for five years. He also happens to be the man I've been in love with for eight. As she was giving me the details, she nonchalantly gave me her reason for accepting the proposal: "Why the hell not, there's always divorce." FML

By Anonymous - United States - Gainesville

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Today, I came out as bisexual to my 17-year-old sister. She was quiet for a second, then told me she knows for sure I only have "girl parts". I had to explain to her the difference between being bi and being a hermaphrodite. FML

By Notthatone - United States - Madison

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Today, I found out the hard way that no good girlfriend-boyfriend conversation ever started with, "Suppose I slept with your best friend..." FML

By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

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Today, I overheard my in-laws talking about me. It started off with light insults and ended with "People like her are the reason murder ain't always wrong". FML

By Anonymous - Canada - Gatineau

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Today, my dog became scared of his own food bowl. He now barks for ages every time he sees it. FML

By conbon123 - United States - Beaverton

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Today, I got my commissioned anime portrait done. One of my friends commented on why all my commissions are skinny look-alikes, when I'm really fat in real life and active in body positivity. Then everyone started agreeing with her, stating that if I was so happy with who I am, why my art is of me slim? FML

By Anonymous - 25/5/2020 14:00

Some friends you've got there

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Today, I still can't decide whether masturbating while looking at myself makes me narcissistic or just plain pathetic. FML

By Anonymous - United States - South Gate

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Today, I walked in on my dad singing along to a song on Sesame Street. He tried to divert attention from what I'd just witnessed by angrily grilling me over "just barging in" and not respecting people's privacy. Apparently he forgot that we were in the living room. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Glasgow

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Today, I was watching a movie. The ending was sad and I started bawling my eyes out. My boyfriend sitting beside me kept looking back and forth between me and the TV, so I asked what he was doing. He replied with, 'I don't know which one is better to watch.' FML

By Kiimmy - United States

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Today, on a dating site, I was matched with my brother, again. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, it's my 17th birthday, and the first birthday since my mother died, leaving me to live with my previously-absent father. He gave me pretzels and a laser pointer, and said, "Happy birthday, fuckstick". One more year. FML

By Anonymous - Canada

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Today, my son and his friends were gaming in his room when I thought I'd use a word I recently discovered online. I said, "Hey, this is all very poggers." My son sighed and said, "How do you do, fellow kids?" I got Steve Buscemi-ed. FML

By Anonymous Dad - 2/2/2021 17:02

That's not very pog

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Today, I asked my girlfriend about a diamond necklace I bought her for her birthday, which she didn't seem to be wearing. She then told me she hocked it to pay for her inexpensive phone bill. I paid $1,500 for that necklace, she received $300 from the pawn shop. FML

By I_Lossed - Australia

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Today, I was at work, when a co-worker began to shake a near empty box. Without thinking, I shouted "What if there was a baby in there? You just killed it!" I then remembered she recently suffered a miscarriage. FML

By jjjjjjmmmmm92 - United States

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Today, as I was about to enter a public restroom, a man walked out and said, "You may want to hold your nose in there. I just took the biggest dump of my life." It was the ladies' restroom. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, my boyfriend tried to hypnotize me into breaking up with him. FML

By theawfulpresent - United States - Germantown

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Today, I was at Target trying on swimsuits. I tried on a medium bottom and was so excited because it fit perfectly even though I've gained a few pounds. My self-esteem was at an all-time high until my mom told me I could never fit into a medium. I rechecked the tag. It was an extra large. FML

By XLhottie - United States

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Today, I found out that our neighbors told almost everyone on our street that I was mentally handicapped. All this time I wasn't sure why they would speak slowly and loudly at me. Now they won't believe me when I tell them I'm a 4.0 GPA student. FML

By Imslow - United States

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Today, I overheard my husband telling his friend that he wished a zombie apocalypse would happen in real life, so he could take me out back and shoot me without having to worry about going to prison. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Minneapolis

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Today, my dad got upset when one of his employees showed a romantic interest in my mom. Both parents were totally fine, though, with that same employee announcing his engagement to my 15-year-old sister. FML

By Anonymous - 6/8/2020 02:01

Today, on "Dr. Phil"…

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Today, I returned home for the first time in a year, and found my entire computer missing. I asked my grandma about this, and she told me that she threw "the TV" away because it "no longer responded to the remote control." FML

By missmycomp - Singapore

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Today, I was sleeping in my apartment when I woke up to the smell of smoke. Alarmed, I ran out to the kitchen to find my roommates trying to put out a fire on the stove. As soon as they saw me, they ran for it, informing me that it was my problem now. They used my good frying pan. FML

By chinesef000d - United States

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Today, it was my first day working at a library. I expected it to be fun and peaceful, not to end up having to call the cops on a guy who started jerking off into a book. FML

By fishingforubies2 - Aruba - Oranjestad

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Today, my brother and I woke up early to get a sneak peek at our Christmas presents. We found our parents having sex on the couch. FML

By VCDUDE11FTW - United States - Lewis Center

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Today, my brother thought it would be absolutely hilarious to replace my cold sore cream with superglue. FML

By finalfantasy - United States - Aurora

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Today, I was drying my duvet and pillows in the dryer. Apparently, one of the pillows was memory foam, which I was not aware of. It caught on fire due to the heat and nearly burned down my laundry room. FML

By Anonymous - 2/6/2020 05:00

Extreme drying

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Today, I found out why my girlfriend comes over for dinner so often. She thinks my dad is a real babe. FML

By jack - Australia - Melbourne

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