By Anonymous - 8/9/2020 09:01

Walked into that one

Today, I stopped by McDonald's with my brother. I asked him what he wanted and I repeated his order. The lady said, "We don't have that here." I stupidly answered, "That's weird. We have it where I come from," and she replied, "Where did you come from honey, 1995?" FML

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Coherence dude, do you have it?

Bridezilla strikes again

Creepy

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I cleaned my house after a big party. Everything was great when my parents came home. Except for the bottle of hot and spicy mustard next to the shampoo in the shower. No one knows how it got there. I'm busted because of mustard. FML

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By LonelyOtter

Today, one of my female friends decided she wants a relationship with my ex. I told her I was fine with it because we've been apart for years and have been friends ever since. She then made him chose between being friends with me and having her as a girlfriend. I just lost two of my few friends. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my wife sent me to the store to pick stuff up so we could make BLTs. I got the bacon, but couldn't remember what else went into them, so I bought an avocado and napkins. When I got back home, my wife very slowly and sarcastically explained what BLT stands for. FML

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By lonely dreams - United States - Reno

Today, I have been single and out of the game for so long that instead of having real wet dreams, I now dream about jacking off. FML

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By Noah

Today, a friend pointed out to me that I bear a striking resemblance to Anne Frank. I'm a 16-year-old guy, and I'm inclined to agree with him. FML

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By AprilFlowers - United States

Today, I woke up early and made my boyfriend french toast. When he woke up, he yelled at me because it was his dish day and I was creating more dishes for him to do. He made me do the dishes. FML

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By Ouchies - 18/3/2021 17:01

Now you know

Today, I went to the beach. My friend decided it would be funny to push me into a bunch of Portuguese Man-O-War jellyfish washed up on the shore. Did you know their tentacles can sting even if they’re dead? FML

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By Anonymous - 22/1/2021 00:31 - India - Bangalore

We feel for you, bruh

Today, I realised that I wasted my teenage life just to be a parent pleaser. I'm in the final months of high school and while everyone is enjoying the last days, I'm sat here being a "good" son, listening to my parents argue, maybe divorcing. I'm in tears and can't go out as I'm not invited to anything anymore. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/1/2021 00:58 - United States - Edmond

Say nothing

Today, right now, my husband is on the phone with his friend. Last night I had a dream I was cheating on him with this friend. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after I caught my husband cheating and lying, he had the nerve to claim it wasn't a big deal because, "I always come home to you!" FML

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By notsohandy - Denmark - Hadsten

Today, I woke up to my girlfriend masturbating beside me. I asked if she needed a hand. She called me a pervert and now won't speak to me. FML

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By YouBossturd - United States - Washington

Today, I found out that my immediate supervisor had modified my phone in the priority order at our call center. As a result, any calls that came in during the night shift would be routed to my phone first, so that he can play games on his phone uninterrupted. It's been a whole year. FML

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By overreacting - United States - Saint Charles

Today, I picked up a rock outside and put it in my pocket because it looked cool. A teacher holding the door open stopped me and sent me to the principal. I was confused and asked the teacher why the strict action. She replied that someone has been putting rocks in the toilet. I got a detention. FML

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By Drunken Sailor - United States

Today, I found out my new Commanding Officer is my ex-wife's new boyfriend. We're going on a two year tour at sea in two weeks. The reason we got a divorce is that she couldn't handle being tied down with someone in the Navy. FML

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By AvocadoPurse

Today, my mother-in-law took a phone message on the back of my marriage license. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/2/2021 00:30

Added protein

Today, I was drinking lemon juice through a straw. After finishing half of the drink, I noticed there was a cockroach in my straw. FML

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By NotTHATbad

Today, I found out that sometimes when my girlfriend is mad at me she will allow our unfixed male dog to jack off on my pillows when I'm at work. She won the battle and the war. FML

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By sharkiewarkiemoosey - Switzerland - Gossau

Today, I tried to catch a train to get to my new job. I was stopped and told that I needed a pre-purchased ticket to enter the platform. The only way to get the ticket, they said, was by buying one on the platform. I arrived by taxi nearly an hour late for my first day. FML

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By Ihadnoidea - Canada - Ottawa

Today, while working at a gas station, I accidentally changed the price of gas to 8.9 cents per litre. It took me fifteen minutes to figure out why everyone wanted only two or three dollars of gas. I fixed it, but now my managers are debating charging me for lost revenue. FML

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By why?? - United States - Englewood

Today, I went hiking with my family. A local had told us about the trail, saying the two mile walk would lead us to a seventy-foot waterfall. After seven miles of trekking in the sweltering sun with no food, we finally found the waterfall. It was barely ten feet tall. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. He said he would have done it two weeks ago but he needed someone to drive him around while his car was getting repaired. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/5/2021 22:00

Make your mind up

Today, my ex was talking about getting back together. I say I’d be willing to talk and ask him to explain what he wants from me, to see if there’s any common ground, but he replied, "I just mention something and you immediately attack me with this emo crap! I already regret even thinking about it!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized my self confidence is based on the amount of "likes" I have on my Facebook statuses. FML

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By I'veRunOuttaPatience

Today, I got scolded for how I treated my aunt and uncle's dogs while pet sitting. I was told it was my fault they had explosive diarrhea for "locking" them in the room they'd told me to put them in at night and doing everything they said when I reported they were sick. FML

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By - France

Today, my girlfriend left a message on my phone. It was just the sounds of her having sex with somebody. FML

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By ShowerGirl - United States

Today, while I was in the shower, I heard a door slam. Assuming it was my fiancé, I shouted "I love you!" I later opened the bathroom door to see my stereo and television missing. I'd said "I love you" to whoever robbed my apartment. FML

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By oops - Canada - Okotoks

Today, while packing for a trip, my mom bumped my bag and it started to vibrate. She flew into a huge rage calling me all sorts of colourful names, thinking it was a sex toy. It was my tooth brush. FML

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By lrgenesis - United States

Today, my mom friended all my friends on Facebook then thought it'd be a good idea to try and act like a teen so she'd be considered 'cool'. FML

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By natty - United States

Today, I went to a party and the cops came to bust the party. I jumped out the window of a second story house in order to avoid getting arrested. I broke my leg in three places and got a concussion. The cops let everyone go with a warning. FML

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By Jay

Today, I got called into the principal's office of my son's school. Why? He'd called his teacher a "fudge packer". No more weekends with his uncle. FML

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By Kate - United States - Concord

Today, I watched "Rain Man" with my family. The whole time they kept exclaiming, "Omigod! That's just like Kate!" FML

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By AndI'veHadChildren - United States

Today, I was passing a kidney stone. I had to go to the ER but had no one to take me, so I drove myself. They made me wait 3 hours because it was suspicious that someone in "so much pain" could drive. It was the largest stone that doctor had seen in his career. FML

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By Seule - Switzerland - Pully

Today, on a movie date with my boyfriend, it took me a while to understand why he was leaning on his elbow during the entire thing. He had an earpiece cupped in his hand and was listening to a soccer match. FML

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By Rella

Today, my boyfriend and I were in the 69 position with me on top and as we changed positions, and I turned to face him, I saw toilet paper on his face that he didn't seem to notice and that I casually had to wipe off his face. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Sydney

Today, during the countdown to midnight, I looked for my girlfriend so I could kiss her as 2013 began. I found her just in time to see her making out with some guy she swore was "only a friend." FML

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By EKG - United States

Today, after being in the hospital for 2 days with no visitors, I got my first phone call. It was my best friend asking if he could date my ex girlfriend. FML

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By bym

Today, I got braces fitted. For the next two years, I'll be the most handsome guy on earth. FML

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By jessica - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were having sex, he stopped, got off, walked into the kitchen grabbed a doughnut, and came back to finish while he ate it. FML

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By OMGraven - United States

Today, I returned home to find that my boyfriend's dog had gotten into the garbage and ripped all my used pads to shreds. There's a trail of Always tatters leading to his dog bed, and blood everywhere. My blood. Oh God. FML

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By Michelle - Australia - Richmond

Today, my boyfriend told me that I have the bad habit of not doing the dishes before he has his daily piss in the sink. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#7936766 - Tuesday 8 September 2020 9:32

Was it a McRib?

They screw with our heads by offering it for "a limited time."

We go crazy because of the scarcity and don't care that it's just random pig parts pressed into a rib shape.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7936851 - Tuesday 8 September 2020 17:36

"It's not my fault! It took 25 years for some fucker to roll an 8!"

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7936766 - Tuesday 8 September 2020 9:32

Was it a McRib?

They screw with our heads by offering it for "a limited time."

We go crazy because of the scarcity and don't care that it's just random pig parts pressed into a rib shape.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7936851 - Tuesday 8 September 2020 17:36

"It's not my fault! It took 25 years for some fucker to roll an 8!"

Reply

RichardPencil | 30

#7936874 - Tuesday 8 September 2020 20:16

Or to be able to get 88 jigga-watts to the flux capacitor.

By spinspinsugar | 12

#7936877 - Tuesday 8 September 2020 20:35

it wasn't a McDLT was it?

Reply

RichardPencil | 30

#7936940 - Wednesday 9 September 2020 2:23

Remember that!?!?

One hot bun and one cold bun was kind of disconcerting.

By voodoo66 | 5

#7936902 - Tuesday 8 September 2020 21:39

what was the order?

By DarkAngelsBlade | 25

#7936916 - Tuesday 8 September 2020 22:28

Well leave a comment explaining wtf he wanted that she’s say THAT to?

By Taurus_ChicKa | 36

#7936947 - Wednesday 9 September 2020 3:17

Did neither one of you look at the big menu they always have at drive-throughs?

By elchampo | 6

#7938297 - Monday 14 September 2020 21:54

FYI, the order was “Big Tasty”

By elchampo | 6

#7938299 - Monday 14 September 2020 21:58

FYI, the order was “Big Tasty”