Miscellaneous: Today, while at the movies, I had an uncomfortable amount of...

By Cristoforo - 25/05/2013 08:19 - United States - Mamaroneck

Today, while at the movies, I had an uncomfortable amount of gas that I couldn't hold in any longer. I waited for a loud part in the movie to conceal it and took my chance. Problem was, the loud part ended abruptly. I didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 922

You deserved it 16 797

Cristoforo tells us more.

Cristoforo 17

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Sunday 26 May 2013 10:32

To follow up, I was watching Star Trek: Into Darkness (really great movie) and the only ones sitting next to me were my friends. We were sitting in the middle front, I could hear a few "ew's" from the rows behind me but I heard more laughs. I kept my face straight forward and tried to pretend it wasn't me lol

Miscellaneous

And today, on Dr Phil…

Another great day to be alive

Cognitive dissonance

By Noname - 27/01/2009 11:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend fell asleep during phone sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 245

You deserved it 28 211

By BerzerkelyBongBabe - 23/08/2011 21:55 - United States

Today, after 18 years of struggling to provide my daughter with the finest educational opportunities I could afford, I dropped her off to start school at the best public university in the U.S. So far the only thing she's learned is what weed smells like. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 247

You deserved it 6 241

By unluckiestperson - 29/08/2010 15:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my very expensive and beautiful smelling perfume attracts wasps. Whenever I go out, wherever I am, I am followed by multiple wasps. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 684

You deserved it 6 244

By heyyoitsapotato - 31/05/2013 02:35 - United States

Today, while working as a lifeguard, a kid took a dump in the pool. When I told everyone to clear the pool so we could clean it, another kid promptly stared at me, stood at the shallow end right where I was standing, pulled down his trunks, and peed on my feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 025

You deserved it 3 286

By Anonymous - 18/11/2010 02:32 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend to try and man up and act a bit tougher. He started crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 043

You deserved it 19 983

By Anonymous - 11/05/2013 05:15 - United States

Today, my parents scoured my browser history, certain that I have a hidden Facebook account that I'm using to get up to no good. Their reasoning was that there's no way my only friends are my relatives and that all I can post about is about the weather. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 224

You deserved it 7 410

By SwedishBozo - 15/03/2009 01:30 - United States

Today, my family and I were at a restaurant. We're Swedish and love talking about people in our language because no one ever understands here. I decided to comment about how ugly the girl at the next table was. She turned around and goes "Dra åt helvete." That's Swedish for "Go to hell." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 830

You deserved it 325 975

By LittleGina - 04/02/2017 18:00 - United States - Benson

Today, a woman was standing in front of me in line. There was a strand of hair on her back, so to be nice, I pulled it off her. It was still attached to her head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 538

You deserved it 7 678

By cheated - 31/01/2018 15:00

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of 7 years has been communicating extensively with his ex, who lives out of state, for over 6 months. She booked flights and a hotel nearby in a month and invited him. He didn't say no. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 734

You deserved it 335

Uber out of there

By post valentines depression - 07/04/2018 01:30

Today, my Tinder date arranged an Uber to pick her up before we had even finished our appetizers. She was so bored she couldn't be bothered to stay for the whole meal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 777

You deserved it 817

By nipman - 25/04/2011 19:12 - United States

Today, my grandpa who is staying with us mistook me for a Japanese soldier and started to hit me with a bat. This is the second night in a row. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 120

You deserved it 3 841

By ExtendedVacation - 23/02/2009 22:00 - United States

Today, I submitted a vacation request to my manager and it was approved. I came back from lunch and was informed that I have been let go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 833

You deserved it 2 444

By peacock_mina19 - 11/02/2009 00:08 - United States

Today, my mother and I got into a huge fight about me being a lesbian. It ended with me saying "Fuck you!" to which she responded: "I bet you'd probably like to." FML

I agree, your life sucks 88 812

You deserved it 27 086

By seagull hater - 09/07/2012 15:44 - United States - San Diego

Today, I left my sunroof on my truck open for 5 minutes while I ran into the bank. When I came out a seagull had gotten into my truck. I managed to open the doors and get it out but not before it tore up a seat and pooped everywhere inside my truck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 622

You deserved it 7 420

By MystoganFT - 17/12/2015 02:55 - United States - Emmaus

Today, some guy I don't know walked up to me and told me that he's determined to sleep with my girlfriend, then walked away while giving me the finger. I've never seen him before in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 085

You deserved it 1 807

By Anonymous - 03/05/2009 11:06 - United States

Today, I noticed that someone smeared "wash me" into the grime of my car. I decided to take it to get a wash. I pulled up, put my vehicle in neutral, and kicked back as it slowly started to move. You never realize how long it takes a sun roof to close until water is dumping on your head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 756

You deserved it 60 874

By briscoe - 29/09/2015 02:48 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I was on the train next to an elderly woman. When I told her it was my stop, she turned her knees towards the aisle, and I, thinking that she was letting me go by, began to edge past. She screamed, "DON'T PUSH ME!" and the whole train turned to look. I was thus the asshole pushing the old lady. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 956

You deserved it 1 677

By Anonymous - 01/08/2009 12:56 - United States

Today, I went to the mall and saw a really cute guy. I acted all cool and started doing a sexy hair flip. On the way back up from my hair flip I hit my head on a cellphone stand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 042

You deserved it 58 784

By Anonymous - 24/01/2015 18:33 - Romania - Campina

Today, it's been 3 months since my dog scratched my 9 year old granddaughter after she walked over and repeatedly kicked him. My daughter has disowned me and won't let me see my own grandchildren until I have my companion of 11 years "destroyed". FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 207

You deserved it 2 894

By Ugh - 14/06/2016 20:41 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I'm looking forward to my orthodontist's appointment more than I'm looking forward to my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 561

You deserved it 1 042

OK Boomer

By Anonymous - 07/06/2021 10:01 - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, my dad said to me, "This millenial idea that you can be happy in life is so wrong." FML

I agree, your life sucks 671

You deserved it 164

By damn - 09/04/2014 21:12 - United States - Kenton

Today, I witnessed my roommate telling a girl that he has "really healthy shits". I wanted to make fun of him, but he got laid by said girl and I went home to jerk off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 375

You deserved it 7 982

Not all heroes…

By pooped - 12/04/2020 23:00

Today, at work, the only toilet in the building was so clogged that it was overflowing. We didn't have a plunger, so basically the only way to stop it was to try and reach in and remove the blockage. I was nominated to do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 728

You deserved it 154

By theatreluver - 05/01/2011 03:15 - United States

Today, it was opening night for the play where I was, for the first time ever, one of the leads. I went on stage with a loud and energetic entrance. I came in two scenes early. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 379

You deserved it 33 477

By Anon - 15/05/2015 13:58 - United States - Lakeville

Today, my brother and I had a long argument. He believes wholeheartedly that pineapples are not actually fruits, but berries. When I showed him a google search, he accused me of "faking" it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 140

You deserved it 4 041

By oops... - 12/09/2014 05:50 - Canada - Sylvan Lake

Today, my daughter was going to Bulk Barn so I asked her to pick me up something to snack on. When she got home, she brought over a bag and without listening to her explain what it was, I began eating it. She looked at me confused, then began laughing. It was a dog treat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 543

You deserved it 29 533

By Anonymous - 28/09/2016 13:08 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my kitchen is trying to kill me. So far, I've hit my head three times on cupboards that opened themselves, cut open my hand on the microwave door when it slammed shut, and burned my cheek with the "heat-proof" oven mitt when I pushed the hair off my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 202

You deserved it 2 473

By Anonymous - 05/08/2015 17:35 - United States - Keuka Park

Today, my boyfriend tried to claim it was my fault that he cheated on me, all because I "deprived" him of sex for two weeks last month when I went on a family vacation. If his mental gymnastics were physical, I swear he'd be able to suck his own cock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 274

You deserved it 2 538

By oh well - 10/03/2015 13:27 - United States

Today, the only birthday present I got was a gift card to a steak house. Not a bad gift, but I'm a vegan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 722

You deserved it 8 375

By AbsentMindedGal - 21/12/2013 09:07 - United States

Today, I stopped at the gas station to fill up my tank and get some snacks. I paid the cashier, then got back into my car, totally forgetting to pump the $50 worth of fuel I'd just prepaid for. Too bad I didn't realize until my car came to a sputtering stop about a mile down the road. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 699

You deserved it 22 544

By xswitch74 - 16/03/2015 14:36 - United Kingdom

Today, my ex called me up to suggest that we become friends, only so that she could introduce me to her new boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 486

You deserved it 4 198

By Anonymous - 27/09/2010 13:17 - Australia

Today, I was playing with my dog, teasing her, to cheer myself up after being dumped by my girlfriend. My dog bit me hard and I had to go to hospital. The dog has to be put down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 694

You deserved it 10 942

he ded

By Anonymous - 27/03/2018 01:30

Today, while on an airboat exploring the Everglades, my cousin decided it would be funny to push me off the boat. Into water full of alligators. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 063

You deserved it 335

By IPityTheStool - 09/06/2011 13:22 - United Kingdom

Today, I used the staff toilets at school. As I sat down, I heard a sudden plop, followed by the stench of diarrhoea from the next cubicle. It was followed by a "I do apologise!" It was my English teacher. And we continued to chat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 405

You deserved it 7 580

Ewwwww

By JustEwww - 22/10/2009 21:24 - Australia

Today, I played with the white dust on the counter at work for the last time. After a couple of weeks of arriving to a thin coating of dust over the counter, and drawing in it, piling it up and other such fun things, I met the guy who now does the earlier shift. He has a huge, dandruffy beard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 206

You deserved it 13 455

By Jarryd - 10/02/2012 05:40 - Australia

Today, I was making out with a girl who I've had a crush on for a while now. It was all going fine until one of my teeth decided to dislodge itself. She promptly spat out the tooth and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 492

You deserved it 7 460

By Noname - 07/02/2009 20:42 - United States

Today, my mom was telling me a funny story about when I was young. So I said 'yeah I was funny huh?' She replied 'Yep, I had a funny one and a pretty one'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 493

You deserved it 2 628

These jugs don't belong here...

By Busty - 21/11/2017 06:00

Today, Walmart was out of quart milk jugs except for one. When I went to grab it, I had to practically climb into the fridge. My boobs got stuck on the shelf on the way out, and it took a solid two minutes to wiggle my way free. I had an audience. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 560

You deserved it 965

By MattVh - 12/01/2010 17:23 - Belgium

Today, someone had put a lock on my bike. While I was trying to saw it off, the police drove by. I was arrested for trying to steal a bike and released four hours later when they figured out that it was actually my bike. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 858

You deserved it 2 447

By Anonymous - 24/10/2011 09:47 - United States

Today, marks the fourth straight night that my girlfriend has screamed and cried in fear, scratching and kicking me in her sleep. The reason? I took her to see Paranormal Activity 3. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 925

You deserved it 51 163

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Top comments

friedchickenpie 14

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Saturday 25 May 2013 19:37

Don't bring your kid to school; he'll tell all of your students!

Cristoforo 17

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Sunday 26 May 2013 10:32

friedchickenpie 14

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Saturday 25 May 2013 19:37

Don't bring your kid to school; he'll tell all of your students!

robsic66 14

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Saturday 25 May 2013 19:38

What?

bombroot 9

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Saturday 25 May 2013 19:40

Commented on the wrong fml bro

friedchickenpie 14

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Saturday 25 May 2013 19:40

Someone obviously hasn't been reading the recent FMLs. This is from a few FMLs ago.

friedchickenpie 14

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Saturday 25 May 2013 19:41

7, it wasn't the wrong FML. It's called a reference. I guess it wasn't a good one if it takes this much explanation.

bombroot 9

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Saturday 25 May 2013 19:42

*7 not 17 And I got it now

Orchard 33

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Saturday 25 May 2013 19:43

To all the people saying he is commenting on the wrong FML - the joke is since the OP farts in public (i.e. the movies), he shouldn't bring his "child" to a school where the child would tell everyone. He is referencing a previous FML on this current one to tie them in together to make a joke...

Catkam623 27

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Saturday 25 May 2013 20:39

Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog you learn more about it but the joke dies in the process

CharresBarkrey 15

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Saturday 25 May 2013 21:05

Frogs are dead before you dissect them. No one dissects live frogs, that would be animal cruelty.

Xivion 18

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Saturday 25 May 2013 21:40

Perhaps a (previous fml) so it is more noticed as a reference? Because now that I have read said fml I think it's hilarious.

Glitter_taco_ 10

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Saturday 25 May 2013 22:35

Don't forget the fact it was a full theater it will be said by more than just the kids lol

football98_fml 20

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Saturday 25 May 2013 22:51

lol i dissected a frog last week in school

23Z9TZO 18

Sunday 26 May 2013 1:12

Referencing an fml is the new pun

fareith 15

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Sunday 26 May 2013 2:00

I understood the reference! Geez, some people..

ironichalibut 24

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Sunday 26 May 2013 2:02

39- No, no one dissects live frogs because then it would be a "vivisection". Without the practice of vivisection, biology and medical science would possibly be decades behind where it is now. In agreement, yes, in the early days it was cruel in some ways, for example poking a live frog's nerves and organs to discover what they do. Through this though, we unravelled many of the mysteries of our own bodies. Vivisections still happens nowadays, but can be done humanely using the information they learned in the early years.

Jharrist89 12

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Sunday 26 May 2013 7:40

Ha! On the fucking money!

murkinstock 5

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Saturday 25 May 2013 19:38

you could have went to the restroom. that's what I do.

Mossears133 15

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Saturday 25 May 2013 20:07

Some movies are so good (or so fast paced) you just can't.

M3DIC4T3 29

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Saturday 25 May 2013 22:29

I don't understand this notion of farting in restrooms. Does one walk into the restroom, fart, and walk back out? I guess if I were in a restroom somewhere and someone walked in, let loose then left 5 seconds later, I'd be standing at the sink with my poker face on. Probably not a good idea to laugh or even breathe in that air.

Mandybruin 15

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Saturday 25 May 2013 22:45

44, I wish I could thumb you up multiple times. Bravo!

dyehardxen 19

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Sunday 26 May 2013 4:35

I dare you to get up to fart while watching Star Trek: Into Darkness.

Cristoforo 17

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Sunday 26 May 2013 10:20

That's the movie I was watching! So good I didn't want to miss a minute!

reborndemon01 2

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Saturday 25 May 2013 19:38

It was you, you nasty motherfucker

hej2010 15

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Sunday 23 June 2013 14:31

How can you know it was him?

mackdeezy 21

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Saturday 25 May 2013 19:39

Youre supposed to release a test fart first. George Carlin would be ashamed.

HowAreYouToday 34

Saturday 25 May 2013 19:39

Fun fact: wearing a thong helps make farts silent.

bombroot 9

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Saturday 25 May 2013 19:41

Consider op being a male That would be weird and weirder

friedchickenpie 14

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Saturday 25 May 2013 19:45

The name IS Like_A_Sir, not Like_A_Madam.

MrConcise 34

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Saturday 25 May 2013 19:57

@14 - I love the freedom thongs give my ass cheeks.

Glitter_taco_ 10

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Saturday 25 May 2013 22:37

#14 I feel like you might enjoy having your ass flossed

Glitter_taco_ 10

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Saturday 25 May 2013 22:38

#31 Why? Are you a hermaphrodite? Do you have both parts

MrConcise 34

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Saturday 25 May 2013 22:39

@46 - I might, I'm currently working on Teeth: Prison Crusade.

chowE_fml 4

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Saturday 25 May 2013 23:57

You guys act like guys can't wear thongs. Male G-strings exist. Last time I checked both men and women have buttholes that need covering.

MrConcise 34

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Sunday 26 May 2013 2:34

@57 - I was being serious. I actually wear my girlfriend's from time to time when I'm at home. We trade clothes a lot. It's weird, but fuck it all if I can't show off my rockin' can to my couch!