Today, while at a private lake, my colon declared a state of evacuation. I ventured as far from my family as my sphincter would allow, only to make eye contact with two very horrified kayakers mid-explosion. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, against my wishes, my family and I went swimming with sharks. While in the shark cage, a shark got within a few feet of us. My cowardly bowels objected and caused me to shit myself. FML
Today, I was taking the biggest shit of my life. When I worked the thing out, it hit the water with such force that I got a toilet water enema from the backwash. I was so freaked out that I screamed and fell off the seat, prompting my husband to rush in to see what was wrong. FML
Today, I was kayaking with my friend. We figured it'd be awesome if I jumped from my kayak straight into his. Sounded good in theory. One flipped kayak, a pair of lost glasses, and a humiliating swim back to shore later, I'm starting to think it wasn't the best idea. FML
Today, I went on a walk with my family because I'm trying to be more active. We were near my son's school when I got a grumbling in my stomach. I rushed to find a place to take a dump. As I approached a Porta-Potty, my ass couldn't hold it any longer and I shit myself 20 feet away from the toilet. FML
Today, I really had to take a shit. My coworker had gone on lunch break and I was alone in the shop. There were no customers, so to the can I went. Cue a long series of loud wet farts and splashes, followed by the flush. I emerged to see the horrified face of some old lady and her grandson who'd heard everything. FML
Today, I went for a swim in the sea. It was early and I was the only one in the water. I swam out far, then my tummy rumbled big time. Next thing I knew, I'd shat my shorts. It went everywhere. I had to scoop the poop out with my hand and wash it off whilst swimming back to shore. I had to shower afterwards. FML
Today, I learned explosive diarrhea is real. I felt it coming and dashed into our local supermarket. Ten feet in, liquid poo started spewing down my pants' legs. 150 feet to go. I ran. It ran. They watched. After 15 minutes of cleaning, I slunk out. Now, I have to find a new supermarket, maybe a new town. FML
Today, I was at a water park when my stomach started to hurt. I didn’t think anyone was behind me so was I ripped ass so hard, I almost shat myself. However, there was someone behind me, and the look they gave me was disturbing. FML.
Today, I was on a first date with a girl at a lake. I felt my stomach rumble and knew I couldn’t make it to shore, so I dropped into the water and had violently diarrhea in the water. It started to bubble, and so I started splashing around, saying, “It’s cold” while she swam around me, in my shit water. I’ve never told her. FML
Today, I had to shit worse than I thought possible at work. I left my desk and hurried towards the bathroom, dropping trou as soon as the door closed. I then tripped over my pant leg, hit my head on the toilet, and came to some minutes later with my ass spewing diarrhea like a volcano. FML
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Top comments
Wizardo 34
The wording of this FML is as poetic as a mushroom cloud of faecal matter being emitted from thy anus OP, well done I approve.
buckerado 19
Imagine the look on their faces as a brown cloud appeared...
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Comments (101)
Ziggy122 15
While this situation is terribly unfortunate (shitty, if you will ), this has got to be one of the most well-written FMLs I've ever seen.
bewitchngu 5
I feel your pain I am sitting in a Lowes bathroom doing the same while reading this.
prljm10 10
Jake, is this you? Haha!
supernaturalcat 12
Never private enough is it?! Sorry OP.
Hope2218 11
Seems like you're in good humor with it at least. Sorry for your luck though :)
xvicklepicklex 14
Hi guys!-OP here. I find it funny how so many assume I'm a boy. Just to confirm, I am a girl. It was one of those days where I had no choice but to hang out with the family, and unfortunately I wasn't feeling all that well. When ya gotta go, you gotta go.. and that just so happened to occur the same time two kayakers were in view. To say the very least, it was awkward for all 3 of us. Thanks for all the supportive comments. :)
rozsrredd 16
But our burning question: were you in or out of the water at the time? Sucks either way, I guess, but I'm still curious.
xvicklepicklex 14
I was out of the water, thankfully.
KingreX32 21
most times the comments are just as funny or funnier tjlhsn the FML
EvilLittleMan 23
Mother Nature would be proud. You gave back to Mother Earth in an Eco-Friendly way.
Cassowary_lover 14
This was so beautifully written. You don't come across highly descriptive accounts of pseudo-dysentery like this very often.
Obey_StudBoii 23
Haha they're scarred for life.