Today, while at a private lake, my colon declared a state of evacuation. I ventured as far from my family as my sphincter would allow, only to make eye contact with two very horrified kayakers mid-explosion. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, against my wishes, my family and I went swimming with sharks. While in the shark cage, a shark got within a few feet of us. My cowardly bowels objected and caused me to shit myself. FML
Today, I was taking the biggest shit of my life. When I worked the thing out, it hit the water with such force that I got a toilet water enema from the backwash. I was so freaked out that I screamed and fell off the seat, prompting my husband to rush in to see what was wrong. FML
Today, I was kayaking with my friend. We figured it'd be awesome if I jumped from my kayak straight into his. Sounded good in theory. One flipped kayak, a pair of lost glasses, and a humiliating swim back to shore later, I'm starting to think it wasn't the best idea. FML
Today, I went on a walk with my family because I'm trying to be more active. We were near my son's school when I got a grumbling in my stomach. I rushed to find a place to take a dump. As I approached a Porta-Potty, my ass couldn't hold it any longer and I shit myself 20 feet away from the toilet. FML
Today, I really had to take a shit. My coworker had gone on lunch break and I was alone in the shop. There were no customers, so to the can I went. Cue a long series of loud wet farts and splashes, followed by the flush. I emerged to see the horrified face of some old lady and her grandson who'd heard everything. FML
Today, I went for a swim in the sea. It was early and I was the only one in the water. I swam out far, then my tummy rumbled big time. Next thing I knew, I'd shat my shorts. It went everywhere. I had to scoop the poop out with my hand and wash it off whilst swimming back to shore. I had to shower afterwards. FML
Today, I learned explosive diarrhea is real. I felt it coming and dashed into our local supermarket. Ten feet in, liquid poo started spewing down my pants' legs. 150 feet to go. I ran. It ran. They watched. After 15 minutes of cleaning, I slunk out. Now, I have to find a new supermarket, maybe a new town. FML
Today, I was at a water park when my stomach started to hurt. I didn’t think anyone was behind me so was I ripped ass so hard, I almost shat myself. However, there was someone behind me, and the look they gave me was disturbing. FML.
Today, I was on a first date with a girl at a lake. I felt my stomach rumble and knew I couldn’t make it to shore, so I dropped into the water and had violently diarrhea in the water. It started to bubble, and so I started splashing around, saying, “It’s cold” while she swam around me, in my shit water. I’ve never told her. FML
Today, I had to shit worse than I thought possible at work. I left my desk and hurried towards the bathroom, dropping trou as soon as the door closed. I then tripped over my pant leg, hit my head on the toilet, and came to some minutes later with my ass spewing diarrhea like a volcano. FML
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Top comments
Wizardo 34
The wording of this FML is as poetic as a mushroom cloud of faecal matter being emitted from thy anus OP, well done I approve.
buckerado 19
Imagine the look on their faces as a brown cloud appeared...
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Comments (101)
Pikawhore 21
You never make eye contact!
therealafroninga 10
The third eye might've.
singer0421 32
Maybe you should have found a more secluded area before you took your dump
cristy91 33
When you have to go, you really don't have enough time to peruse for the optimal location. OP did as best as could be done in such a scenario, sadly though, it still wasn't good enough
singer0421 32
Yeah I suppose that's true... But he still should've looked to see if there anyone was there
abekj52 9
Or just get potty trained
starsfan326 12
Lmfao sounds like my time fishing in Canada when I only had moss from a rock I had to wipe with....
DocBastard 40
Yes, it's the exact same situation, except that every single detail is completely different.
jkmartinjk 16
*Sigh* Yes we do have toilet paper in Canada for those of you that are wondering right now.
magicman37 8
You future looks murky
Lacist 19
You wrote this FML really well actually, great choice of words and executed perfectly.
wilsontws 18
Sounds like a shitty... *gets hit by kayaking paddles*
MrE187 12
Shit happens.
Epikouros 32
Were the kayakers passing under the bridge you were sitting on?
harrypotter4evur 15
Bet they didn't think they'd see THAT on a kayaking trip.
perdix 31
That's one way to keep unwanted kayakers from invading your private lake. But, to be fair, you should have posted a sign that said, "Trespassers Will Be Shat."
sisco2901 20
Sounds like an intesting concept to me.