Kids and Health: Today, I was lying in a lawn chair next to my wooden fence when... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 96

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 350

You deserved it 45

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 506

You deserved it 138

13/05/2018 01:30

Today, I was lying in a lawn chair next to my wooden fence when a yellow liquid started spraying me. The neighbor's douchebag son was peeing through the small hole in the fence and soaked me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 640

You deserved it 275

Best teeth in the game

Another great day to be alive

Mother of the year

06/06/2009 20:16

Today, I called over my math teacher to ask a question. I have a really bad cold. I asked him about a problem and he reached over my desk to point at the diagram and explain it. Then I suddenly had to sneeze and I got tons of snot all over his hand and arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 862

You deserved it 10 140

18/10/2010 18:02

Today, my doctor confirmed that the extreme pain I've been experiencing is due to a kidney stone. My friend decided this was the time to tell me that passing a kidney stone is the male equivalent of child birth. Hello even more pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 188

You deserved it 4 523

27/05/2015 13:39

Today, my dad stood by and nodded in agreement as my sister told me that my clinical depression is "getting REALLY old." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 458

You deserved it 4 011

10/12/2008 03:09

Today, it's 2:23 in the morning, and my drunken girlfriend has just rung me up from a party where she's the only girl there. She seems to be having a great time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 522

You deserved it 2 846

30/08/2018 07:00

Today, I learned that my aunt, who lives with us, is using our chopsticks in her hair and putting them back in the utensil drawer without washing them. I'm the one that uses chopsticks the most. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 804

You deserved it 206

11/12/2013 20:14

Spicy

Today, my grandma added to my elephant collection by giving me some underwear with elephant ears on the hips, and a long, sock-like nose. She has no idea they're meant for a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 730

You deserved it 5 373

26/05/2011 21:26

Today, I was at work, nonchalantly spinning my keys around my finger when they flew off and hit a glass cabinet. Broken glass showered passing customers. I don't think I'll have a job to go to tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 406

You deserved it 20 889

20/04/2009 04:11

Today, I wanted to change out of my bikini for the ride home from the beach. There wasn't a bathroom near, so I went to change in front of a suburban, parked far away from all the people. I took off my suit, hear the car's horn honk, only to find that the car was completely packed with old men. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 530

You deserved it 68 948

28/02/2013 03:28

Today, I realized that the only positive accomplishment my boyfriend has made in the last 3 years is that he started wearing deodorant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 915

You deserved it 7 783

Nature is so wonderful!

By Anonymous - 15/10/2019 18:03

Today, I was backpacking, and I was in a tent. It had rained all day and finally, I was dry. I settled down in my slightly damp sleeping bag. I woke up halfway through the night with a frog on my face and my feet in freezing cold water. Our tent had drifted into a frog pond. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 530

You deserved it 397

06/12/2009 18:37

Today, I was at the costume rental shop I work at, when I saw a kid trying to walk out the door wearing what appeared to be one of our fake monster claws, so I chased him down and grabbed it. It wasn't. It was his prosthetic hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 626

You deserved it 36 322

03/08/2012 06:22

Today, I discovered that I have been falsely accusing my sister of stealing my makeup. How do I know this? Because I found said makeup in the trunk of my boyfriend's car, next to a bag that had fishnet tights and red stilettos in it. Oh, and the stilettos are his size, in case you were wondering. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 857

You deserved it 3 078

07/05/2011 16:26

Today, I playfully nudged my friend on the shoulder. She countered by shoving me head-first into a trash can. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 126

You deserved it 10 224

20/08/2018 22:35

Today, I witnessed my first drunken bar brawl. Yes, my 54-year-old husband was one of the participants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 574

You deserved it 213

14/01/2011 20:34

Today, I clocked into work completely exhausted despite having gone to bed early. My roommates stayed up until 4am watching a movie, blasting music, and constantly giggling like madwomen. This is their "new and improved" schedule. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 257

You deserved it 2 838

14/02/2009 03:10

Today, we wrote valentine's day poems in class. I wrote a very depressing poem about how I was rejected by all the girls I like and how it hurt to be alone. When it was read to the class, they laughed and told me it was hilarious. Even the teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 831

You deserved it 14 839

31/10/2013 18:27

Today, I had to take my 15-year-old son to the hospital. He'd gone out dressed as some My Little Pony character and encountered someone who'd had the same idea. They then got into a fistfight, and my son got the shit beaten out of him. I wish I'd never bred. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 302

You deserved it 9 704

Never ever

By notgettinsome - 10/11/2013 06:15

Spicy

Today, my mother was scolding my youngest sister for having unprotected sex with yet another partner. She continued with, "Why can't you be like your brother and just never have sex?" I'm 22, and she's not wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 146

You deserved it 5 203

15/02/2010 18:08

Today, I found out that my best friend pays my boyfriend to this day to take me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 683

You deserved it 3 157

Great parenting

By not my responsibility - 05/10/2021 07:59

Today, my sister is upset that I won’t upturn my entire life by letting her kids stay at my house 4-5 days a week. She decided to move in with her boyfriend after one month, before even introducing him to her kids. Now he’s decided he doesn’t like the kids, so she wants me to keep them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 717

You deserved it 63

24/12/2013 10:45

Today, like every day since I was born, my name is Yarenis, pronounced "ja-ra-nees. For some reason, everybody pronounce it "your anus". FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 107

You deserved it 5 859

16/02/2011 18:53

Today, I underwent several cardiac tests involving heart monitoring nodes placed all over my chest. The lab techs didn't pre-shave the areas and yanked out big clumps of chest hair as they removed the 10 nodes. They laughed, and said it could take up to a year for the hair to grow back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 022

You deserved it 4 393

A tax on stupidity

By dinkley7 - 21/04/2021 20:02

Today, someone called me a bitch, all because I refused to sell him lottery tickets at 3 a.m. My state prohibits sales after 10 pm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 878

You deserved it 61

26/11/2010 19:17

Today, while shopping, a few giggling girls came up to me and asked why I was wearing a dress in public. Highly confused, I didn't answer. When they walked away laughing, I realized they thought I was a man. I'm a woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 383

You deserved it 4 145

04/05/2014 10:11

Today, I got a birthday package from my parents. It was all the stuff I'd forgotten there when visiting a month ago, along with some other things I'd left behind when I moved out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 412

You deserved it 5 666

30/12/2009 16:34

Today, I was getting ready to go out when I noticed that after several months of annoyance, the faucet stopped dripping. I started to dance around my bathroom when all of a sudden I slipped and hit my head on the sink. The faucet is dripping again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 342

You deserved it 14 560

30/12/2010 21:37

Today, I had a snowball fight with a friend. In the midst of the game, I stole her hat and put it on my head, ignoring her pleas. Apparently, she was trying to say she had head lice. I can now verify that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 612

You deserved it 43 483

18/10/2012 19:40

Today, I walked into work, after having given my boss a weather prediction last week, so he could decide on which day to open a new company division. I was immediately taken aside and written up for "providing false information, adversley impacting morale". FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 920

You deserved it 2 244

11/09/2009 04:33

Today, it's my birthday. I'm a pastry chef by profession. Not only did my family buy a cake from my bakery, I had to make it myself and inscribe it with 'Happy Birthday Dad'. The worst part is, they asked money from me to pay for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 668

You deserved it 2 974

Do not want

By Anonymous - 08/10/2020 08:01

Today, I had a chat with a one-night stand and she's decided to keep the child. My life is basically over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 461

You deserved it 2 543

23/10/2013 22:41

Today, while working as a paramedic, we got called to an assisted living home. The medical emergency? The woman had a leak in her bathroom and wanted it fixed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 106

You deserved it 2 585

20/10/2012 13:57

Spicy

Today, after waking up from a drunken night, I realized the burning sensation I had from the lube during sex was because I used hand sanitizer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 197

You deserved it 39 600

27/07/2011 17:32

Today, I was helping clean my grandpa's garage when I found some of his old election posters from the '50s. They included slogans such as, "Dick: you know it feels right" and "Want growth? Choose Dick." I'm not sure whether to be disgusted or impressed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 639

You deserved it 4 693

11/07/2010 01:00

Today, I made my mom a mix CD for her car. It took me ages to find just the right songs that would be perfect for her. When I played it for her in the car, she took it out and threw it out of the window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 591

You deserved it 5 377

TMI

By Anonymous - 04/01/2012 16:20

Spicy

Today, I had to ask my girlfriend to please stop telling me about her ex's penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 341

You deserved it 4 722

NO SNACKS

By face - 25/03/2009 05:45

Today, my friends decided that I eat too many snacks. To emphasize this point, they went behind my back and printed 300 pages with my face and the words "NO SNACKS" on them. They were posted in every academic building on campus, including every room I have class in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 122

You deserved it 10 660

Yeet the feet

By SalonGirl - 10/03/2009 11:55

Spicy

Today, I was at work and a very obese woman came in to get a pedicure. When she took her shoes off I noticed an odd black substance on her feet. I started scrubbing it off and wondered out loud, "What IS this stuff??" As a chunk of it fell onto my lip, she replied, "Girl, that's just the fungus." FML

I agree, your life sucks 112 988

You deserved it 7 225

14/03/2010 13:36

Today, I fell in a river with a £700 camera, a £200 lens, and an iPhone while trying to rescue a 50 pence ball for my dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 807

You deserved it 32 831

08/11/2010 05:02

Today, I went through my spam folder. I found out that I'd received several emails telling me that I have been sending emails containing essays for a class of mine to the wrong address. The term ended yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 957

You deserved it 11 994

8 out of 10 orthopedists

By Anonymous - 15/05/2021 14:01

Today, I had a talk with my orthopedist about getting back to fitness training. However, according to her, all my favorite exercises, although taught to me by professionals, are "things one should never do" and "very very bad". FML

I agree, your life sucks 704

You deserved it 83

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Top comments

DraftHail614 17

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Sunday 13 May 2018 3:05

Sounds like urine a tough situation. Said it. I'll uh... I'll see myself out.

thelittlemissy 29

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Sunday 13 May 2018 3:01

What a peetty thing to do!

Comments

interesting33 36

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Thursday 26 April 2018 22:46

Make it a competition. Pee through a smaller one. Mark your territory!

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Wednesday 2 May 2018 21:00

http://www.fmylife.com/article/today-i-got-a-complaint-from-my-neighbour-saying-that-she-witnessed-my-son-stick-his-penis-through_272447.html#comments is this relevant?!

Cali 54

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Sunday 13 May 2018 4:43

That post was submitted while this one was in moderation, so it was probably a copycat.

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Sunday 13 May 2018 2:42

If you were Bear Grylls this would be a good thing

thelittlemissy 29

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Sunday 13 May 2018 3:01

What a peetty thing to do!

DraftHail614 17

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Sunday 13 May 2018 3:04

Get out.

DraftHail614 17

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Sunday 13 May 2018 3:05

Sounds like urine a tough situation. Said it. I'll uh... I'll see myself out.

Donut_Wizard 23

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Sunday 13 May 2018 3:12

Snip snip.

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Sunday 13 May 2018 3:37

You were pissed off and on

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Sunday 13 May 2018 4:01

I swear I saw an FML from someone who caught their kid pissing through a hole in the fence a few days ago... Coincide?

Cali 54

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Sunday 13 May 2018 4:47

That FML was submitted after this one, so it was probably just a copycat.

RichardPencil 30

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Sunday 13 May 2018 4:28

If he could pee through a small hole, he’s going to have big problems in the future. Or maybe not so big ;)

ARISKomuniszt 24

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Sunday 13 May 2018 11:51

Is your neighbours' son R Kelly?