Today, my son told me that he doesn't need to go to school because...

By Anonymous - 11/10/2015 04:20 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my son told me that he doesn't need to go to school because he doesn't need a job. It turns out he plans to get a life sentence in prison and live the rest of his life at the taxpayers' expense. FML

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Kids

Mr Sensitivity

My body, my choice

Ungrateful

By fml - 2/2/2011 09:48

Today, while my boyfriend was inside me, he got a text message. He actually stopped thrusting to reply. FML

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By Alyssa - 19/10/2009 19:37 - United States

Today, my manager mentioned that she'd hired a "cute boy" to help me out at work with paperwork. The "cute boy" was my ex-fiancé and now I have to be with him in an office for 30 some hours a week while his current fiancée brings him lunch everyday. FML

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By Fattypatty - 9/7/2009 06:21 - United States

Today, I realized how fat I really am. While going to the bathroom I leaned to the side to wipe my butt and heard a crack. Not knowing what it was, I continued to wipe. After I finished, I got up to see that I'd cracked the toilet seat in half. FML

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By nametag - 9/6/2009 02:07 - Canada

Today, I finally got my nametag. I had been using other people's names like Maria and Caie for a week, so I was happy to be called my own name. I put it on and got to work. Ten minutes later, I was called into the office. I got laid off. I got to wear my nametag for 10 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2009 02:33 - United States

Today, I saw a lesbian couple walking through the mall. One of the ladies walked up to me in the middle of the busy mall and started screaming at me about how rude it is to stare, and how we are all equal- straight or not. I was only staring because I'm a lesbian too, and they were hot. FML

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By the attention seeker - 17/4/2013 21:57 - United States - North Miami Beach

Today my mother met my in-laws for the first time. She had been an alcoholic and had us sent to foster care 15 years ago. My husband told his parents this behind my back a while ago. When they asked her about it, she denied everything. His entire family now thinks I lie for attention. FML

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By badparent - 8/4/2013 04:26 - Australia - Southport

Today, my 16-year-old son convinced my 14-year-old daughter that she wasn't allowed to use the ladies bathroom at the shopping centre, because she wasn't wearing a dress like the girl on the sign. He told her girls in pants always used the other one. She believed him. This is my legacy. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/2/2016 19:15 - United States - Easley

Today, as I walked around town I noticed some guys and even a couple of girls checked me out. When I got home later I realized they probably weren't checking me out, so much as wondering why the hell I had thick black eyeliner on only one eye. Oops. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2014 17:06 - United States - Rancho Santa Margarita

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. He's Latino, so I thought he'd like it if I made a bit of noise and called him "papi" while we did it. It freaked him out enough to kill his boner, and now he thinks I have some kind of incest fetish. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2018 18:30 - United States - Compton

Today, I was at a pool party with my friends. I really had to pass gas so I moved a bit from the group and let it rip. Instead of bubbles surfacing a brown cloud of poo rose instead. FML

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By Surfinbird09 - 20/12/2009 12:58 - United Kingdom

Today, I asked a girl I liked for her number, but she claimed she had a broken phone and was getting a new one for Christmas. Unhinged, I go home and go onto Facebook. First thing I see is her status: "Why is no one answering my calls?" FML

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By Wutdafuqq - 23/2/2015 20:18 - Canada - Kanata

Today, a woman yelled at me for holding a door open for her. FML

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By BbyDelight - 27/4/2009 03:39 - Canada

Today, it was my mom's birthday. I decided to get her a Willow Tree statue of a woman fairy holding a heart. After dinner, I presented my gift. My mother asked me how much it was. I replied, $30. She threw me a dirty look, shoved the present in my direction, and told me to return it. FML

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By dead man walking? - 4/10/2015 13:21 - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents. Her dad showed me his gun collection, and said the first rule of gun safety is never to point a gun at something you don't intend to kill. All while waving a handgun in my direction and glaring at me with barely suppressed rage. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2010 12:49 - Canada

Today, I walked in on my mom and dad. It wasn't my dad. FML

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By Username - 6/8/2011 07:09 - United States

Today, my mom picked up my dog from the groomers. I came home to find a small female terrier on our couch. My dog is a full grown male maltese. What's worse is that it took me a full 20 minutes to convince my mom that she had picked up the wrong dog. FML

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By goodsister - 14/10/2009 08:09 - Canada

Today, I was yelled at and humiliated by my otherwise awesome brother-in-law for my supposed lack of effort in the planning of a baby shower for my very pregnant sister. The kicker? Her huge, break-my-bank semi-surprise baby shower has been in the works for a month and is happening this weekend. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/12/2013 23:19 - United States - Lebanon

Today, I realized my family is more excited to see my girlfriend than they are to see me. FML

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By hopelesss88 - 17/6/2010 12:42 - Australia

Today, I had a first date planned. He texted saying he was sick and couldn't make it. Two hours later his twitter account said otherwise. FML

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By helpless_soul - 29/8/2011 04:27 - United States

Today, while standing in line at the video store, I happen to notice a very hot young girl on the TV screen, and mentioned to my friend that I'd "hit that." I was immediately punched by the girl in front of me. Seems the hot girl on TV was her on a security monitor. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2009 04:44 - United States

Today, I finally told my mom I am a lesbian. She started laughing and said 'Good one honey'. I told her I wasn't joking, and she took my face in her hands and said 'You ARE joking!' Then she left. FML

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By trgtyo - 18/5/2009 23:20 - United States

Today, I noticed my parents replaced my senior picture that hung on our livingroom wall with a painted one. Of our German Sheperd. FML

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By PLU - 27/1/2011 00:57 - Canada

Today, I met my boyfriend's brother. When he saw me, he whispered into my boyfriend's ear, "So, this is your bitch eh? Nice!" FML

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By DoggyBlues - 29/11/2011 01:50 - United States

Today, my fiancé told me he wants a security guard to come with us on our honeymoon to Hawaii. Apparently, watching Dog the Bounty Hunter has made him feel unsafe. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2011 08:17 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend forgot to tell me about the all-night bender he went out on, and what he got up to with my best friend. But its okay; the Facebook pictures say it all. FML

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By humiliated - 26/2/2010 10:21 - United States

Today, I was finally hooking up with a girl I was after for a long time.Things got really hot and heavy but she stopped and looked at me weird. She said, "I can't do it, you're really wet. It looks like chicken fat." FML

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By lolzboss - 7/3/2011 19:04 - United States

Today, my five year old son decided to move all my stuffed animals I have around the house, into sex positions and massive orgies. What have I been teaching my son lately? FML

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By Unwanted - 10/6/2010 12:54 - Australia

Today, I was in a car with my house-mate and friends after a long day of studying, when we pulled up at our place. Thinking that we were all going to hang there, I waited for everyone to start getting out. No one did. Turns out they were just waiting for me to get out so they could then leave and go out together. FML

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By AlyCo55 - 22/10/2018 05:00

Today, I found out two of my rats are pregnant. The breeder told us that all of them were male, only one ended up being male. I now have 20+ rat babies on the way and no idea how to take care of them. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2009 05:13 - United States

Today, I met a girl at the bar. Things were going really well and we ended up going back to her place. Problem? Her husband who normally works the graveyard shift was home sick. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2014 05:24 - United States - Stockton

Today, I found out the record label I was talking to was actually just my friends who have way too much time on their hands. FML

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By FML - 10/9/2017 16:00

Et tu, Brute?

Today, I returned home from my aunt's funeral abroad to find my boyfriend in bed with my sister, who claimed she was unable to fly due to the flu. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/2/2012 04:52 - United States

Today, I was giving my boyfriend head. Soon, I noticed he was being very quiet. When I looked up, he was in a deep sleep. FML

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By hero to zero - 4/7/2011 16:09 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's ex punched me so hard in the face, I couldn't see straight. But I got up anyway. I lunged at him, and nailed him in the jaw. Turns out I'd in fact just knocked out my girlfriend the on-looker. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2010 12:53 - United States

Today, I found out that my anxiety disorder has escalated to where I now scratch and pick at my face while asleep. Now I get to sleep with oven mitts taped to my hands. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2011 02:16 - United Kingdom

Today, I noticed that my facial hair had grown by an acceptable amount. I spoke to my Dad and decided to show him, thinking he would approve of my manliness. His exact words when I showed him were, "Nah, son. You just look like a lesbian." FML

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By adrenochrome - 9/2/2009 09:21 - Lithuania

Today, I learnt that nail polish remover is, in fact, VERY flammable. And I learnt it the hard way. FML

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By Failoffel - 10/5/2009 02:05 - United States

Today, while working my job as a cashier, one of the customers that came to the register was a midget. As part of store policy, I had to ID him, and his driver's license said he was from Florida. So I asked, without catching myself, "How's the weather down there?" FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2012 02:09 - United States

Today, the closest I got to a vacation was the smell of my new towels, because they remind me of a hotel. FML

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By damgoose - 15/6/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, while I was working in the liquor store, I was trying to impress my hot boss by lifting three cases of Grey goose. Turns out I can't, and I'll be working for the next two months of the rest of my summer paying it all back. FML

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Top comments

By MedChew | 19

#6432624 - Sunday 11 October 2015 18:32

Well better practice holding onto soaps properly then

By clairelaliberte | 16

#6432622 - Sunday 11 October 2015 18:31

Tell him to move to Sweden or Norway. At least he would be living a stylish criminal life.

COMMENTS

By shupwhup | 18

#6432615 - Sunday 11 October 2015 18:30

Eh, if you aren't good in school, that's another option.

redhead_sprhro | 10

#6432958 - Monday 12 October 2015 0:20

Like communism, this is a good plan on paper, but terrible in the real world

gogo44444 | 28

#6433544 - Monday 12 October 2015 13:50

I agree with #94, what if he gets sentenced to death?

MonkeeArtz | 11

#6433624 - Monday 12 October 2015 15:42

Even if he gets sentenced to death, it'll take a while for him to be killed. He'd still be in prison, and the death sentence would be the most painless, since you don't need to wait as long until death.

Crispy_Gingers | 6

#6434040 - Tuesday 13 October 2015 2:14

Does Canada even have the death penalty?

luststarrr | 22

#6434162 - Tuesday 13 October 2015 6:27

They haven't since 1962.

By nournahas | 18

#6432618 - Sunday 11 October 2015 18:31

Smart

By thedell3030 | 21

#6432621 - Sunday 11 October 2015 18:31

Norway has the best prisons

flamingarrow59 | 21

#6432896 - Sunday 11 October 2015 23:15

theyre better than most of our homes

suosi | 21

#6433402 - Monday 12 October 2015 9:28

Cept for u d have to commit multipe crimes cuz their maximum sentence is 21 years...

PePziNL | 20

#6433960 - Monday 12 October 2015 23:53

There's norway that can be true.

By clairelaliberte | 16

#6432622 - Sunday 11 October 2015 18:31

Tell him to move to Sweden or Norway. At least he would be living a stylish criminal life.

krazayman | 18

#6432833 - Sunday 11 October 2015 21:38

its funny how everyone on here is being very supportive torwards his goal. imagine what he has to do to get a life sentence

LittleRed79 | 39

#6432903 - Sunday 11 October 2015 23:22

It's a Canadian prison we're talking about here. "Life" sentence? Let's be honest...he'll be out after 20 years or so.

asakadelis | 7

#6433108 - Monday 12 October 2015 2:45

Walk into a bank and starts shooting stolen guns with filed serial number into the ceiling while naked threading to kill everyone. No one gets hurt and you have multiple charges against you.

countryb_cth | 38

#6433384 - Monday 12 October 2015 8:44

Also pee on a cop when you get arrested and run away from them. That should do the trick.

By MedChew | 19

#6432624 - Sunday 11 October 2015 18:32

Well better practice holding onto soaps properly then

RealSuperSand | 21

#6432868 - Sunday 11 October 2015 22:30

When you go to prison the most important thing in your life is gonna be booty. A man's butt.

juturnaamo | 29

#6432907 - Sunday 11 October 2015 23:35

Rape jokes are funny as long as you're joking about men getting raped, I guess.

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6432921 - Sunday 11 October 2015 23:44

It's only prisoners. Not like they matter.

williamcarter93 | 13

#6432929 - Sunday 11 October 2015 23:56

oh sure, prisoners don't matter, because all of them are evil, violent, people who deserve whatever they get/

Get out of here with that fuckery

theplaguedkitten | 5

#6433355 - Monday 12 October 2015 8:08

#81 thank you for pointing out that sexist point of view... honestly if feminists didnt have their heads vuried in their asses then sexism maybe could go away instead of switching sides :)

By SadLittleTurtle | 11

#6432627 - Sunday 11 October 2015 18:33

OP, you really need to knock some sense into him.

MrSassypants | 32

#6432848 - Sunday 11 October 2015 22:00

Don't knock too much sense into him though. You might be the one ending up behind bars if you do that.

SlumMade | 13

#6432890 - Sunday 11 October 2015 23:08

Or she might be the reason why he gets the life sentence

wallac7 | 28

#6433459 - Monday 12 October 2015 11:50

Agreed make sure he understands that prison is not a fun place. You don't want him to make bad life decisions. Don't let him get to you, educate him :)

By olpally | 32

#6432636 - Sunday 11 October 2015 18:37

Please tell him he has to get a real job.

SystemofaBlink41 | 27

#6432740 - Sunday 11 October 2015 19:57

Not with his foolproof plan he doesn't.

ellabellaboom | 24

#6433155 - Monday 12 October 2015 3:52

Lol because "You have to get a real job" is motivation.

By FarmerGirl420 | 11

#6432642 - Sunday 11 October 2015 18:43

better teach him how to make a shank.

Crimsonb312 | 11

#6432777 - Sunday 11 October 2015 20:28

*shiv

Arkaniel | 4

#6432778 - Sunday 11 October 2015 20:33

Shank is for rapid stab and is short while a shiv is longer and used for swing or one stab twist maneuver.

Lalala579121 | 27

#6433146 - Monday 12 October 2015 3:35

If his name is Johnny them defending himself from both would be the more prudent teaching.

By Kurby14 | 21

#6432646 - Sunday 11 October 2015 18:46

wow... might wanna see about visiting a prison so he can see what a 'wonderful' life that would be. 10 minutes into the visit would change his mind really fast

domolovesyoshi | 33

#6432860 - Sunday 11 October 2015 22:20

Scared straight as it was

derpyshy | 16

#6432884 - Sunday 11 October 2015 22:55

Actually, research has been done that indicates that a large portion of kids actually find the program encouraging, and actually do wind up prison despite the attempts to scare them straight.