Today, my mom made me go shopping with her. It was freezing out,... - FML

By Anonymous - 21/1/2014 21:30 - Iceland

Today, my mom made me go shopping with her. It was freezing out, but she didn't wear a coat, boasting that she doesn't feel the chill like I do. By the time we drove home she was whining about freezing to death, and now I'm stuck in a house whose heating is set to "inferno". FML

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Dangling modifier

Out of it

Last dates

By Anonymous - 9/9/2010 14:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my cousin came to visit from America. While out shopping, she said loudly that she was having trouble finding clothes to fit around her huge fanny, causing a lot of people to stare in our direction. I had to explain to her that "fanny" in the UK means "vagina." FML

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By nickyboy - 2/12/2010 17:02 - Australia

Today, while having sex on the couch with my single neighbour, a beam in the couch broke. Not even slightly fazed, she said, "It's okay, my husband can fix it." Husband? FML

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By guest - 18/11/2011 05:54 - Canada

Today, I moved into a lovely basement suite. Unfortunately, the 12 year old upstairs plays violin. She also plays baritone. She said she alternates each day. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2012 23:00 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, my teacher's comments on my essay read, "I know it's college, but you use a lot of unnecessary words with a lot of syllables." He basically scolded me for having a complex vocabulary. I go to an accredited state university. Nothing says "America" like under-achieving professors. FML

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By Jobless in Seattle - 5/5/2015 02:08 - United States - Katy

Today, after waking up in a panic because I was running late for work again, I realized I was fired for that exact reason the day before. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2020 14:04

This one simple trick! Doctors hate her!

Today, I received many compliments from my co-workers on the weight I've lost and how nice I look. I haven't slept for the past month, and eating makes me nauseous. I don't have the heart to tell them my secret is anxiety and depression. FML

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By me - 25/1/2012 03:40 - Canada

Today, I attended an elderly man's funeral. As I approached the casket his wife said, "Thank you for coming." I replied with, "No, thank you." FML

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By CEO - 10/5/2014 02:37 - United States - Bristow

Dating is hell

Today, I went on a date for the first time since my divorce was finalized a year ago. The first question the guy asked me was what my favorite sex position is. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2009 02:03 - United States

Today, I turned 35. I was given my first-ever orgasm by the best lover I've ever had: a massaging shower head from Wal-Mart. That I bought for myself. It was the only gift I received. FML

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By UkuleleTime - 23/6/2015 08:07 - United States - Garner

Today, after walking in on my roommate, I found out that pleasuring yourself with a shoe is a thing. It wouldn't have been so bad if the shoe hadn't been mine. FML

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By artsmart1 - 6/3/2010 00:40 - United States

Today, I went to go see a specialist for my prostate and was told he would have to do an exam before I could leave. Having had this checked just the previous year, I was more than a little irritated. As I was bent over the table the Dr. said, "Now, just pretend I'm Angelina Jolie." FML

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By Emily - 3/8/2010 23:54 - United States

Today, my best friend who I've known since high school is getting married. I'm supposed to give a toast during the reception about how great the bride and groom are. I've been sleeping with the groom for the past 7 months. FML

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By potatoebee - 3/4/2012 18:19 - United States - Clover

Today, my four-year-old son decided to bite my butt during prayer at church. The entire sanctuary heard me instinctively swear at him. FML

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By Frustrated - 13/7/2019 22:30

Today, I couldn't convince my grandmother that no matter how much she called AT&T, they will not come and fix her dead computer. FML

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By pennyhater - 7/10/2009 20:43 - United States

Today, I was locked inside my dorm room. Yeah, inside. How? Some of my floormates decided to stick pennies in the door frame, which jammed the handle. I was stuck inside my room and had to pee really bad. I couldn't call an RA to get me out either. Why? I am the RA. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2015 17:54 - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, I spent nearly half an hour looking for my favourite pair of shoes. I ended up getting so pissed off that I accused my boyfriend of stealing them. He then pointed out that I was wearing them. FML

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By 3some? uh, no - 1/2/2013 19:59 - Dominican Republic

Today, I finally found the courage to ask a guy I like out for a drink. He accepted, we drank, and when it came time to go home, I half-drunkenly left him my number. Once I got back home, I realized I'd actually given him my dad's number instead. FML

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By ugheffmylife - 9/5/2009 19:06 - United States

Today, I was playing with my phone and turned it on lock mode. I changed my lock code a few months ago, so that no one would be able to guess it. Turns out I can't guess it either. FML

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By cakegirl - 26/5/2009 01:15 - United States

Today, my boyfriend invited me over so I went, not thinking anything of it. To my surprise, he broke up with me. I was pretty upset, and as I was leaving his mom hands me a box. When I got home I opened it. His mom baked me a break up cake. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2012 19:18 - United States

Today, I was posing in front of the mirror, when I realized that everyone who looks at me can easily tell which arm I use to masturbate. FML

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By whatisthisshit - 17/3/2017 00:00

Hellooooo, Social Services?

Today, I spent two hours convincing my 3-year-old son that he can't poop on his 4-month-old brother out of retaliation for the baby pooping on him. He did it anyway. FML

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By loner - 7/6/2009 12:28 - United States

Today, I was sitting in class when the most popular girl in my grade came up to me holding birthday invitation cards. I've never been invited to a birthday party, so I was so excited when she handed me a card only to hear her say, "Mary is on your bus, will you give this to her?" FML

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By people will think I'm Shelley Duvall - 8/6/2017 20:00

Today, my son's yearbook came. I was pretty happy, because I also ordered a larger version of his photo because he's going to California for college and I wanted a special picture of him to keep. Unfortunately, my happiness disappeared when I saw that he was wearing a horse mask in the photo. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2015 17:36 - United States - Show Low

Today, I picked up an elderly woman walking alone in the cold. I asked her where she was going but she didn't respond. Thinking she was just cold, I kept driving until a man driving erratically kept honking at me. Turns out he's her husband and she has severe Alzheimers. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2011 19:16 - United States

Today, I awoke to make-up all over my face and nail polish on my hands and feet because my daughter wanted "daddy to look pretty." I have a job interview in an hour and none of it is coming off. FML

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By Butterfly - 8/12/2008 03:21 - France

Today, I warned my boss that I couldn't take part in a very important meeting I've been working on for 6 months (my son is ill). "Never mind" he said, "We'll just put a pot plant on your seat". FML

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By anonynomi - 19/11/2015 17:26 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was accused of shoplifting, after the alarm started beeping as I walked into the store. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/7/2020 14:01

Love knows no boundaries

Today, I found out my son's girlfriend is actually a webcam porn star he pays for private sessions. He’s somehow convinced himself they have a real relationship, and is spending thousands of pounds every week, on his credit card I may add. FML

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By imsorry - 14/1/2015 23:57 - United States - Oakland

SORRY!

Today, I found out how whipped I am when, at the climax of sex, I moaned, "I'm sorry!" FML

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By singingseattlite - 6/4/2009 06:14 - United States

Today, I was at a symposium at which my colleague was a co-chair. She and a new acquaintance asked me how it was going. I joked that the discussant's only job at this conference was to be an asshole. The acquaintance was the symposium's discussant. The topic was Rude Behavior at Work. FML

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By kat, ACT - 20/12/2009 14:37 - United States

Today, while driving, we pulled up at a set of traffic lights next to a huge truck with live animals inside. Curious as to exactly what animal, I wound down my window to see if I could hear them, just in time for the truck to take off and cow shit to fly in my face. FML

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By Nurse - 31/8/2018 15:00

Today, a pregnant woman asked me to give her a demonstration on how to push when having a baby. I agreed and pushed, but I may have pushed a little too hard because I shat myself. The pregnant woman laughed and said she was hoping that would happen. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2015 05:42 - United States - Tampa

Today, it's been 3 days since I moved into my new house. I'm already known as the neighborhood racist, after some dicksplash thought it'd be funny to tape a sign to my door overnight that said: "DO NOT RING IF YOU ARE A NEGRO AND/OR JEW." FML

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By dating walter white's gf apparently - 6/4/2013 19:13 - United Kingdom

Today, while going down on my girlfriend, I finally managed to give her an orgasm. During that orgasm, she tore out a clump of my hair, causing me to scream in pain. She scowled and said, "Ah shut it, ya little bitch." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2012 14:16 - Australia - Sandringham

Today, I realised that I only get dandruff when I'm stressed about having dandruff. Which is whenever I have dandruff. FML

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By cunts, cunts everywhere - 11/3/2013 11:57 - Australia

Today, my brother yelled at me, calling me a "no-good fucking whore", because I couldn't fix his laptop. The same laptop he threw on the floor after screaming "FUCKING HEAL MEEE!" at his game. As ever, my parents took his side, refusing to believe that I can't fix a cracked monitor. FML

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By anonymous - 3/5/2020 05:00

The Hulk

Today, I found out that my $1000 anger management course had no effect on me when I smashed a picture frame. Why? I had run out of toothpaste. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/3/2018 15:00

Today, as I was perusing old photos with my mother, I found one of her with a "childhood friend" at her wedding to my dad. Now I know where my green eyes and blotchy neck birthmark came from, and it's not from the man I’ve been calling "dad" for 40 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/5/2016 02:20 - United States - Exeter

Today, my mom was "that" customer at the local drive-thru. She slipped into attention whore mode and bitched the guy out for not giving us extra fries. He said she didn't ask for any, which was true. Instead of apologizing, she swore at him and floored the gas, sending our drinks spilling all over me. FML

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By Awkwardly_dumped - 21/8/2018 14:30

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. When we took a break and went downstairs, he checked the mail. He had received a letter from his ex-girlfriend, which he opened in front of me. He then began sobbing on my shoulder and broke up with me. He still had to drive me home. FML

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Top comments

By HeyHeyFishFillet | 34

#5834787 - Wednesday 22 January 2014 2:21

Obviously a place a called Iceland is always cold, covered in ice and frozen. Greenland of course is just covered in vegetation as far as the eye can see.

By SundayNightSix | 23

#5834799 - Wednesday 22 January 2014 2:29

*Cough*Sarcasm*Cough*

COMMENTS

By andonceagain | 11

#5834737 - Wednesday 22 January 2014 2:05

Given your location it seems your Mum is pretty stupid

Reply

ElricMustang | 23

#5834743 - Wednesday 22 January 2014 2:08

I hope by that you don't mean that the place is completely covered in ice...

Reply

HeyHeyFishFillet | 34

#5834787 - Wednesday 22 January 2014 2:21

Obviously a place a called Iceland is always cold, covered in ice and frozen. Greenland of course is just covered in vegetation as far as the eye can see.

Reply

Palirose | 22

#5834794 - Wednesday 22 January 2014 2:24

#20. That's actually not true at all. What I learnt about those two places is that the names of Iceland and Greenland are complete opposites of their name. Lol

Reply

SundayNightSix | 23

#5834799 - Wednesday 22 January 2014 2:29

*Cough*Sarcasm*Cough*

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#5834805 - Wednesday 22 January 2014 2:34

#24, it seems you have a cold. I'll make you a nice, hot tea.

Reply

Welshite | 39

#5834810 - Wednesday 22 January 2014 2:36

Give him some of your famous whorehound tea, Sassy. That will clear up his cough right away.

Reply

rockne93 | 17

#5834811 - Wednesday 22 January 2014 2:37

Everyone, isn't #6 one of the most beautiful men you've ever seen?

Reply

SamCat | 21

#5834843 - Wednesday 22 January 2014 3:01

#28 No. He is not :)

Reply

Sports_guy3 | 28

#5834850 - Wednesday 22 January 2014 3:05

Pretty sad that #23 didn't get the sarcasm.

Reply

SundayNightSix | 23

#5834876 - Wednesday 22 January 2014 3:31

Aww, thanks Sassy. I take mine with some honey and lemon! =]

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#5834878 - Wednesday 22 January 2014 3:32

Welshite, if I give him some of my whorehound tea, the cough will go away but he'll catch something else.

Reply

Welshite | 39

#5834882 - Wednesday 22 January 2014 3:39

Chamomydia?

Reply

ElricMustang | 23

#5834924 - Wednesday 22 January 2014 4:25

Ouch, 32, there goes my self esteem :/

Reply

SuperStormCindy | 8

#5834959 - Wednesday 22 January 2014 5:01

Please tell me you're just trolling. Iceland is coverrd in Green and Greenland is covered in ice.

Reply

tbro47 | 23

#5835012 - Wednesday 22 January 2014 6:21

Honestly if I'd never watched the mighty ducks I forget which movie number I'd probably have made the same mistake but the quote "Iceland is green and Greenland is covered in ice" always stuck with me

Reply

mjdjoy | 5

#5835060 - Wednesday 22 January 2014 7:57

Guys, both Greenland and Iceland can get very, very cold.

Reply

incoherentrmblr | 21

#5837061 - Friday 24 January 2014 3:28

Did your mom also believe the world was going to end on Dec. 21, 2012?...

Reply

thefmlman2011 | 32

#6309314 - Wednesday 3 June 2015 14:18

#23, you must be fun at parties

By IVI4G1C | 7

#5834738 - Wednesday 22 January 2014 2:05

ouch! that has to burn

Reply

junkman6 | 22

#5834749 - Wednesday 22 January 2014 2:10

January in Iceland is still cold as fuck. But nice attempt at being a dick.

Well this was a reply to #6 I have no clue how it ended up here.

Reply

HeyHeyFishFillet | 34

#5834773 - Wednesday 22 January 2014 2:14

@ #11, I don't think #2 was trying to be a dick. You on the other hand...

Reply

outoftown | 26

#5834847 - Wednesday 22 January 2014 3:02

17- Let me complete your sentence: "... are a victim of FML site twitchiness."

Reply

ElricMustang | 23

#5835082 - Wednesday 22 January 2014 8:48

#11 Regardless, it was assumed that he thought it was covered in ice, "given the location", so next time, learn to figure out clues before you look like the ignorant one here ;P

Reply

booda44 | 7

#5835118 - Wednesday 22 January 2014 10:52

On the other hand? I think you mean in :P

By ashalayx | 13

#5834739 - Wednesday 22 January 2014 2:05

atleast you can get out of the house, stuck in a foot and a half of snow

Reply

onlychildFTW | 33

#5835104 - Wednesday 22 January 2014 10:14

I know how you feel. This winter has been almost too warm. Only had 1 day if snow. :(

By caseystick18 | 17

#5834740 - Wednesday 22 January 2014 2:06

Does she own a sweater? Or a sweatshirt? Or a blanket?

Reply

Sports_guy3 | 28

#5834853 - Wednesday 22 January 2014 3:06

Since she was boasting that she wouldn't get cold, I don't think so.

By kinky44 | 28

#5834741 - Wednesday 22 January 2014 2:06

That frostbites.

Reply

Das_is_gud | 11

#5834863 - Wednesday 22 January 2014 3:17

Icy what you did there

Reply

TheOnlyMizLiv | 22

#5835049 - Wednesday 22 January 2014 7:16

Snow what, it was hardly a spine chilling pun.

By ElricMustang | 23

#5834745 - Wednesday 22 January 2014 2:09

I don't get it; has she never been in really cold weather before?

Reply

VonBlitzkrieg | 27

#5837187 - Friday 24 January 2014 6:22

...They live in Iceland, dude. Yes. I am aware Iceland isn't as cold as Antarctica or "Green"land, but I imagine it's up there with Alaska and Norway.

By horizontalline | 18

#5834746 - Wednesday 22 January 2014 2:09

So much for not feeling the chill.

By weveallbeenthere | 30

#5834747 - Wednesday 22 January 2014 2:09

Lol. sounds like a kid.

Reply

onlychildFTW | 33

#5835105 - Wednesday 22 January 2014 10:15

Makes me wonder who the real adult is. Haha.

By rgri | 11

#5834748 - Wednesday 22 January 2014 2:10

Remind her how high the heating bill will be.

By awilliams44 | 9

#5834750 - Wednesday 22 January 2014 2:10

I'd secretly turn it down! take a cold shower.