Health: Today, like always, my parents are such tightwads that they refused... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 93

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64

You deserved it 4

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 466

You deserved it 123

23/09/2011 14:33

Today, like always, my parents are such tightwads that they refused to turn the heating system on, despite the ball-freezing temperatures. I was so cold, I had to resort to warming my hands up over the toaster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 126

You deserved it 3 687

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Taking stock

Another great day to be alive

10/05/2009 20:25

Spicy

Today, I told my parents that I was going out with my boyfriend and they agreed to let me go as long as I was home by midnight. Did I come home on time? Yes. Was my shirt right side out? No. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 368

You deserved it 127 791

Taking pictures

By Anonymous - 05/12/2019 14:00

Today, I was teaching a high school calculus class. I wrote a complex formula on the board. As I wrote, students asked if they could take a picture of the board and circulate it. I said yes, and I was pleased as everybody seemed to be taking pictures. Soon, I realized why: my skirt was tucked into my underwear. Within a few minutes, every student in the school had an email with a picture of my ugliest pair of floral-printed panties. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 159

You deserved it 447

23/12/2010 04:35

Today, I was hanging out with my crush and wanted to see what he thought of me. Instead of asking him straight, I tugged at my shirt, saying ''I don't know why I wear this top. I always look awful in it." He said, "Are you fishing for a fat joke?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 600

You deserved it 45 385

07/02/2010 00:17

Spicy

Today, I was having sex and wanted to move to the wall, so I picked her up, got my foot stuck in my blanket, and dropped her on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 655

You deserved it 23 074

03/08/2013 13:01

Today, I was at Basic Training for the Army when I got a package in the mail from my friends back home. You are required to open your packages in front of your drill sergeants and peers at Basic. When I opened it, it was a dildo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 380

You deserved it 6 524

19/02/2010 14:27

Spicy

Today, I found out that my boyfriend joined a group on Facebook called 'Swallow. Or it's going in your eye.' Today I also found out that my boyfriend takes Facebook groups very seriously. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 417

You deserved it 4 857

13/05/2009 20:15

Today, I woke up after a night of partying and went to the bathroom. That’s when I realized that after passing out with my shoes on last night, my friends decided use a black sharpie and play “connect the dots” with my acne. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 655

You deserved it 19 924

Blind love

By sorry - 25/11/2019 01:00

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I slightly hesitated when she asked if she was beautiful. I am blind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 479

You deserved it 207

20/08/2013 17:14

Today, while working at a daycare, I had to change a kid's diaper. This may seem normal for a daycare worker, but not when it's a 7-year-old kid who is still not potty-trained and shat their pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 023

You deserved it 3 235

28/12/2010 10:47

Today, I was on a crowded bus on the way back from my boyfriend's when I suddenly had a terrible nose bleed. I had no tissues, so instead I had to use last night's underwear from my bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 315

You deserved it 5 350

23/08/2013 18:21

Today, my boyfriend and I were discussing sports injuries, and I mentioned that I pulled a muscle in my crotch last year. He snorted and called me a clueless idiot because according to him, "girls don't have crotches". He's a med student. I sense malpractice lawsuits in our future. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 237

You deserved it 4 006

05/06/2010 06:59

Today, my two friends and I went to the movies. One of my friends brought my crush. They started making out, leaning over the armrest, until they were practically in my lap. Saliva got on my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 326

You deserved it 4 159

13/10/2010 02:09

Today, I tried to put my friend's hand in lukewarm water while he was sleeping, to see if he'd pee himself. He woke up and punched me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 381

You deserved it 66 286

28/07/2016 16:24

Today, I noticed quite a few scars on one of my coworker's legs. I pulled her aside and told her that self-harm was never the answer, and if she needed to talk I was always there. Turns out she's just clumsy and trips a lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 072

You deserved it 6 086

25/12/2017 15:00

Today, I was in a huge traffic jam with my boyfriend due to heavy snowfall. After being in the car for 4 hours, we were stuck in a tunnel with hundreds of cars behind and in front of us. Then the diarrhea hit. I had to shit in a plastic bag in the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 460

You deserved it 359

05/10/2014 15:47

Today, I got on one knee in front of my girlfriend. I pulled out the ring, uttered the words, "Lisa, will you…" then abruptly shat my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 118

You deserved it 6 273

29/10/2017 06:00

Today, I went for dinner and bowling with a woman I met online. The Mexican food was great but my bowels started feeling it during our first game. I slipped on the bowling lane and the impact of my ass hitting the ground made me shit myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 207

You deserved it 487

20/01/2009 05:42

Today, I discovered that Paolo has a big penis, that he's good in bed and that the hotel sheets still remember it all. Mum, the walls won't get any thicker just 'cause you're on the telephone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 098

You deserved it 2 125

Welcome to the world!

By Anonymous - 01/04/2020 08:00

Today, I helped deliver the baby belonging to the woman my husband left me for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 436

You deserved it 135

Get on with it!

By Crapped - 10/06/2021 20:01

Today, I shat myself, all because my little sister spent two hours trying to make a Tik Tok video in the one bathroom we have in the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 933

You deserved it 130

23/01/2016 01:43

Today, I discovered that the pain I've had for the past couple of weeks was actually due to a broken collar bone. Now work won't pay for the treatment I need because I continued to work despite the pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 510

You deserved it 2 267

31/05/2012 18:15

Today, I was shopping, and tried on a skirt that was a size smaller than usual, thinking that I would fit in. Not only did it not fit, neither I nor the sales assistant could get it off me, because the zip got stuck. She had to cut me out of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 460

You deserved it 29 317

09/11/2017 06:00

Spicy

Today, after recently rekindling an old relationship, I discovered a whole new world when I found his secret Twitter account. Apparently he's now a cross-dressing, submissive, financially dominated "slave" for doms online. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 883

You deserved it 775

05/06/2014 15:16

Today, a customer at work said his table was dirty. I asked which one he was sitting at so I could clean it for him. For some bizarre reason he got pissed and called my manager over. He ended up reporting us to corporate, and my manager got written up. He's blaming me for everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 761

You deserved it 3 628

05/01/2012 19:35

Today, I was on Skype with the guy I like. After a while of being on Facebook I forgot I was on webcam to him and started picking my nose. He ended the call. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 068

You deserved it 55 814

10/05/2011 05:12

Today, I learned what a nail gun shooting my leg feels like. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 166

You deserved it 11 947

30/03/2010 16:04

Today, my insanely jealous wife flipped out and made me promise never to hug any of my female friends or go to lunch with them, ever. It's "cheating." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 424

You deserved it 19 930

16/01/2009 01:25

Today, I daringly tried that fish-bath thing, where all these fish come and eat all of your skin's dead cells. I got into it, and after 15 minutes of being a human buffet, at least 20 of the fish died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 453

You deserved it 6 648

01/02/2015 18:13

Today, after getting home from being in the field for a week, my wife who's a nurse, convinced me I had a spider bite on my penis. After rushing to the ER and standing nude in a cold exam room while the ER staff checked me out, I learned it's just an ingrown hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 673

You deserved it 2 952

10/08/2011 17:47

Spicy

Today, I got into a fight with my boyfriend. The only thing he could think of to cheer me up was to give me "permission" to give him a blowjob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 966

You deserved it 7 052

31/08/2009 05:18

Today, I got written up at work for making a customer feel bad. I made him feel bad by laughing uncontrollably at him when he asked if we sold real light sabers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 215

You deserved it 15 748

Sharing is caring

By blackrose - 08/08/2021 02:01

Today, I ran into an old friend of mine at the store. All was going fine, until she showed me her new fiancé. My now ex-boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 971

You deserved it 71

12/12/2008 12:08

Today, I decided to teach my dog not to be scared of the vacuum cleaner. I grab the handle and get it close to her. She runs off and hides behind the couch and pisses everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 019

You deserved it 38 856

23/04/2019 14:00

Today, the police showed up at my door asking if I told this creepy guy stalking my girlfriend that I'll chop him up and bury each piece in a different country if he doesn't stop bothering my girl. I told them I did, along with an explanation. Turns out, he's been missing since that day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 522

You deserved it 505

09/08/2019 16:00

Today, I moved back into my room, which I'd sublet for a few months. The subtenant never paid any rent and is gone, but she did leave me something: my own underwear on the floor, which she apparently liked to wear, but didn't seem to like to wash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 519

You deserved it 255

24/09/2010 10:22

Today, I was watching TV with my grandpa, and he stopped flipping channels on a movie with a hot naked chick getting oiled down. Suddenly the remote landed on my stomach as my mom and grandma walked in. They yelled at me for being a pervert for an hour, while my grandpa sat and chuckled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 168

You deserved it 4 566

12/12/2017 18:30

Today, my brother robbed someone. The victim spoke with me and said that if his $1500 was paid back, he wouldn’t press charges. After I gave him the money, I questioned my brother until he admitted doing it. He only took $200. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 132

You deserved it 5 037

04/07/2019 22:00

Today, I was worried because it's July and I still haven't found a summer job, despite applying to 50 places. It was fine, because I remembered my savings account. I told my parents. Instead of being relieved, they said they're going to take the money from me for being lazy, and using it for my tuition, despite promising to pay for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 700

You deserved it 314

20/06/2009 05:28

Today, my insomnia started back up again. It was too late to get something to help me sleep so I was lying there wondering what I should do. I decided to listen to some ambient music. It helped a lot, but when I was about to fall asleep my parents decided to start doing 'it'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 975

You deserved it 2 882

Criminal Minds

By Anonymous - 18/09/2019 00:01

Today, I had to go to the ER because of a terrible allergic reaction I had to the cookies my "friend" made for me. She assured me several times that there were no nuts in them. Turns out, she put nuts in them on purpose, to see whether or not I was really allergic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 550

You deserved it 112

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Top comments

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Friday 23 September 2011 17:52

Toasters scare the shit out of me when they finish.

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Friday 23 September 2011 17:55

Well I bet you feel toasty now!

Comments

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Friday 23 September 2011 17:52

Toasters scare the shit out of me when they finish.

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Friday 23 September 2011 17:56

Shit* lol

Damn_Hippster 11

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Friday 23 September 2011 17:57

I hope nothing was in the toaster when you did that.

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Friday 23 September 2011 18:06

How about when Enonymous finishes on your face? Probably isn't scary at all....

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Friday 23 September 2011 18:07

Turn your stove on max, it warms the place up quick;)

Damn_Hippster 11

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Friday 23 September 2011 18:37

OP could always set his house on fire. That'll warm the place up!

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Friday 23 September 2011 18:44

No matter how much I prepare myself it always scares the shit out of me when it's done

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Friday 23 September 2011 20:16

When op starts helping out with the electric or gas bill I'm sure you can have at it with the thermostat.

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Friday 23 September 2011 20:29

so get a job and contribute, dick

MagicallyFat 12

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Friday 23 September 2011 23:07

The only way to not be afraid of it is to put ur headphones in and close your eyes

RedSharpieInk 5

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Saturday 24 September 2011 1:08

So...were your balls, like, legit frozen?

False_Stupidity 41

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Saturday 24 September 2011 1:24

If it was ball freezing temp then you should have had your balls over the toaster, not your hands.. Save the most important bits first :-)

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Saturday 24 September 2011 2:14

33, lol me too! It makes me jump every time

cuddlebunny3548 11

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Saturday 24 September 2011 5:30

Omg me too! No matter how many times I tell myself it's going to pop up, I still jump.

babyfireball77 14

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Saturday 24 September 2011 7:14

I swear my boyfriend is the OP

ImFrackinBored 13

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Sunday 25 September 2011 0:40

It's the exact opposite here in AZ o.o

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Thursday 20 February 2014 15:43

#59. Yeah let's all insult the OP when we know nothing of the situation, other than the fact he's cold as fuck and his parents won't let him turn the heating on.. How do you know he doesn't have a job and doesn't contribute? Get outta here

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Friday 23 September 2011 17:54

Toast your own hands. You feel the heat effect 10 folds

GrammarNazzzzzi 6

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Friday 23 September 2011 18:22

Then you'll be in the hospital where heat is just an illusion and you'll freeze your ass off

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Friday 23 September 2011 21:40

Why would you toast your own hands?

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Saturday 24 September 2011 16:25

why couldn't she just buy a personal heater? geeze they make things so complicated.

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Friday 23 September 2011 17:55

Well I bet you feel toasty now!

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Friday 23 September 2011 18:13

lawl

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Friday 23 September 2011 18:24

I see what you did there

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Friday 23 September 2011 19:04

Lol!

yourkindacool18 5

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Saturday 24 September 2011 4:18

that was punny!

FlyingLazerWALRU 0

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Monday 26 September 2011 3:20

All these puns...

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Friday 23 September 2011 17:56

go to a friends house.

ahawk 2

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Saturday 24 September 2011 0:12

He don't have any

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Friday 23 September 2011 17:57

Erm... where do you live? New Zealand, where it's winter? Alaska? Siberia?

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Friday 23 September 2011 18:19

New Zealand is in spring now. Nice try.

Alexisthebestest 16

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Friday 23 September 2011 21:17

And Alaska is not in a permanent winter.

superangryandy 2

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Saturday 24 September 2011 8:38

You forgot Antarctica.

iam_yummylicious 12

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Saturday 24 September 2011 10:48

Its actually in the low 30s currently in northern Minnesota.

perdix 29

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Friday 23 September 2011 17:59

Why don't you squat on the toaster and thaw out your frozen balls? If you have a toaster with wide bagel-ready slots, or tiny nuts, you can probably get your balls way down into the toaster for energy-efficient warming.

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Friday 23 September 2011 21:45

Lol, that'd be efficient :)

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Friday 23 September 2011 23:25

Not what I recommend. Caught my pubes on fire and scorched my nads doing that.

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Friday 23 September 2011 18:01

Grab a blanket or put a hoodie on. Or just cut the heat on. What are they gonna do, kick you out?

naddification 7

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Friday 23 September 2011 18:01

Another alternative would be to light a fire on the stove!

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Saturday 24 September 2011 2:46

Or turn it on?

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Friday 23 September 2011 18:03

boil some water on the stove or just sit in a hot bath then get out n bundle up!

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Friday 23 September 2011 18:03

my mom wont turn on the ac which is worse. when your cold you can layer when your hot well...theres only so much you can do

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Friday 23 September 2011 19:08

Yup, I'd rather be cold than hot

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Saturday 24 September 2011 5:05

I dont even hav ac bitch

superangryandy 2

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Saturday 24 September 2011 8:40

Ever drive through the Mohave with a broken heater that magically stays on? IT SUCKS ASSCHEEK.

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Saturday 24 September 2011 21:28

Theres plenty of stuff were as little cloths as possible,go to friends house