Today, my mom had big news. I've been trying to get her to quit... - FML

By whatthehell - 24/4/2009 22:23 - United States

Today, my mom had big news. I've been trying to get her to quit smoking because of second hand smoke for 20 years. She learned today that second hand smoke severely affects animals as well. Her big news? She's quitting. She doesn't want to hurt the dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks

67146

You deserved it

3731

Tweet

Share

Everyone's an expert

Assumptions

Night terrors

By Anonymous - 28/9/2010 00:44 - United States

Today, I attempted to be nice and hold a door open for a person in a wheelchair. He hit the button to open another door. While I pointed out that I would hold the door for him, I realized that the door I was holding open for him led down some stairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11667

You deserved it

35682

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 10/10/2014 21:51 - United States - Lemont

Today, I finally lost my virginity. Too bad it cost me every last shred of self-respect and involved begging a hooker to take my money. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39536

You deserved it

24206

Tweet

Share

By winnerwinner - 2/5/2012 15:46 - United States

Today, my husband informed me that he has been purposely finishing before me in bed as a form of punishment for beating him at Mario Kart. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37640

You deserved it

6793

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 26/10/2019 20:00

Breaking news

Today, my stepfather woke me up at two in the morning just to tell me he bought a sandwich. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1396

You deserved it

117

Tweet

Share

By soldierboy - 30/8/2010 00:39 - United States

Today, after nearly 2 years of continuous fighting in Afghanistan, my unit came home. We were booed at the airport. FML

I agree, your life sucks

141269

You deserved it

13640

Tweet

Share

By JJ - 3/10/2015 07:42 - United States - Irwin

Today, I was savagely beating my wife on Call of Duty, since she demanded that I play normally and not hold back. 15 minutes later, she was raging at me, calling me a bastard and saying she wished we'd never married. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25403

You deserved it

4427

Tweet

Share

By AmatureLitCritic - 14/5/2012 07:37 - United States - Portland

Today, I found out that a family member found a publisher for his book; his badly written, terribly sourced, historically inaccurate book that insults and misrepresents most world cultures and religions. If this actually makes it to print, I'll never be able to use my maiden name again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25133

You deserved it

2344

Tweet

Share

By random - 8/1/2015 05:24 - United States - Arvada

Today, my sister and I got stuck in an airport elevator. We were separated from our friends, missed our flight and had to walk two hours to find our gate. On the bright side, we ended up having a pleasant talk with an Air Marshal on why we were "stalking people". FML

I agree, your life sucks

32391

You deserved it

2839

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 23/9/2011 05:47 - United States

Today, I'm being admitted to the hospital for severe exhaustion. Why am I exhausted? For spending 12 hours at the hospital while my sister gave birth. The same hospital I'm being admitted to. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24776

You deserved it

5942

Tweet

Share

By SickSmick - 9/2/2010 12:22 - United Kingdom

Today, I have the flu, food poisoning and I'm on my period. I have enough liquids pouring out of me from various holes to satisfy a sewer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51466

You deserved it

3476

Tweet

Share

By Mylifesucks - 23/5/2013 05:11 - United States - Lexington

Today, I was stuck in my apartment complex's elevator. I was shouting out for help when a voice came screaming, "This is the fire department." I was relieved until he said, "Just kidding." FML

I agree, your life sucks

51177

You deserved it

3393

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 11/8/2009 08:58 - United States

Today, I was at the pool, casually flirting with one of the lifeguards. He said that he would gladly give me CPR, in the event that I needed it. I laughed and thanked him, stating that it was a sweet idea, even though I wouldn't be needing assistance. I then choked on my bottled water. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15889

You deserved it

44729

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 12/8/2019 00:03

Today, I left the apartment door open so the construction workers sent by our landlord could work in the kitchen, while I slept in after working a late shift. They knocked on the bedroom door at 7 a.m., asking me to move the bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1424

You deserved it

146

Tweet

Share

By youknowwhatitis - 22/6/2011 13:31 - Australia

Today, I learned how to wolf-whistle properly, and then learned what it feels like to be slapped on the head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10693

You deserved it

35808

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 9/8/2010 13:24 - United States

Today, I went to the drive-through and ordered 5 cheeseburgers. I told the cashier that some of them were for my girlfriend. I don't have a girlfriend, and I ate all of them by myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14326

You deserved it

54149

Tweet

Share

By SisterOfTard - 10/11/2014 16:31 - United States - Florence

Today, my brother offered me $20 to practice his kissing on me for his date later this evening. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47305

You deserved it

4669

Tweet

Share

By lumi - 24/6/2009 01:28 - United States

Today, I received in the mail a hockey puck autographed by recent hall of fame addition Steve Yzerman. When asked, I had to explain to my 4 year old brother that someone famous had written his name on it. Later, I discovered that my brother decided it needed his name on it too. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47063

You deserved it

5469

Tweet

Share

By rider - 24/11/2009 10:58 - Qatar

Today, I decided to surprise my wife at her softball game. I saw her distinctive motorcycle jacket through the canvas dugout wall and decided that I would feel her up from behind, to surprise her. She lent her jacket to a friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21032

You deserved it

11348

Tweet

Share

By dead - 9/3/2010 00:49 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years left me because apparently I'm "too beautiful and he can no longer handle other guys always trying to flirt with me." FML

I agree, your life sucks

32499

You deserved it

6444

Tweet

Share

By CheLi - 8/12/2009 05:09 - United States

Today, my boyfriend finally invited me over to his parents house so I could meet them. My boyfriend, his dad and I were sitting in the living room, when I saw a really sketchy person outside, so I said, "There is some creepy hobo man outside, messing with your trash." The "creepy hobo" was his mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11825

You deserved it

40881

Tweet

Share

By sorry - 25/11/2019 01:00 - United States - Columbus

Blind love

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I slightly hesitated when she asked if she was beautiful. I am blind. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2417

You deserved it

180

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 16/9/2018 12:30 - United States - Chevy Chase

Today, I just landed in Washington, DC. Unfortunately, I also took off from Washington DC an hour ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2498

You deserved it

166

Tweet

Share

By ealovan - 3/3/2014 05:18 - United States - Des Moines

Today, I have exactly 204 snowflakes saved onto my computer, all of which I made on this snowflake-making website. This is what my life has come to. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35835

You deserved it

9629

Tweet

Share

By buttfingers - 26/12/2015 17:37 - United States - Houston

Today, I accidentally edged over the speed limit and got pulled over. The officer asked me if I knew why he'd pulled me over. Before I could say something diplomatic, my dad said from the passenger seat: "Because you're a prick in fancy dress?" I got ticketed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23996

You deserved it

2205

Tweet

Share

By fmmmmlll - 12/6/2012 05:29 - United States

Today, my boyfriend brought up the time he said he'd love me until the day he died. He continued by saying, "So, let's just pretend I died today." FML

I agree, your life sucks

33061

You deserved it

2426

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 29/12/2010 05:02 - United States

Today, I was making out with this guy I had been seeing, and things start to get pretty steamy. As he paused for a second, I thought he was going to get up and find a condom, but instead he turns to me and says, "I think I'm going to go to the library." I wasn't invited. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21962

You deserved it

3489

Tweet

Share

By thatsasquee - 21/5/2011 06:42 - Canada

Today, I called my mom and I got voicemail: "Hello, this is Joyce. I'm not here at the moment, so leave a message and I will call back as soon as possible. Except if it's Sophie. If it is, get the hell out of my life, biiitch." I'm Sophie. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45225

You deserved it

5748

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 2/3/2013 00:54 - United States

Today, I noticed my dog chewing on something while on the couch. It looked like a wash rag of some sort, so I grabbed it from my dog. It wasn't until after I picked it up that I noticed it wasn't a wash rag. It was a small, dead bird. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30570

You deserved it

3096

Tweet

Share

By The_Life - 12/10/2016 13:26 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I'm staying at my boyfriend's house and things were getting heated when he got a call from one of his mates wanting to play Counter Strike. Next thing I know, I'm laying in bed by myself listening to him rage. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11884

You deserved it

1249

Tweet

Share

By lolatmylife - 22/8/2014 06:02 - United States

Today, my boyfriend sent me pictures of him and his family on their trip in Florida. He accidentally included a picture of a girl sleeping in his bed, naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55727

You deserved it

4010

Tweet

Share

By I'm a pussy, yeah yeah - 5/9/2015 05:56 - United States - Lake Elsinore

Today, my psycho cat stood on my toilet seat and challenged me to a stand-off. After 10 minutes, I couldn't hold it in any more and asked to use my neighbor's bathroom instead. I told him my toilet was broken. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20860

You deserved it

9925

Tweet

Share

By BadKitty42 - 14/12/2009 08:12 - United States

Today, it was my last day at work. I was offered a better job and accepted. Not wanting to leave my present boss hanging, I asked for time to give notice. While I trained my replacement, the owner at the new job had time to think about how slow the season is, and he decided not to fill the position. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30314

You deserved it

3783

Tweet

Share

By soembarrassed - 2/8/2009 13:40 - Australia

Today, I was drinking at the local pub and started talking to a really cute guy. I bent down to pick up my bag and the second I did, I felt like I was going to throw up. I clamped my mouth shut in the vain hope that I could block it but as I stood back up, vomit sprayed out through my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47337

You deserved it

12411

Tweet

Share

By Jarman - 26/7/2012 05:39 - United States - Columbus

Today, I had to turn down an offer of what seemed like some sexy time with a cute girl because my intestines were bursting with an intense desire to unleash molten lava. I rushed home to squat down, only to let out a disappointingly small piece of crud and a tiny fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33805

You deserved it

5835

Tweet

Share

By fuckingjesusgran - 7/5/2013 22:13 - Bosnia and Herzegovina - Sarajevo

Today, while driving my grandma home from a family dinner, I had to pull into a gas station, because my tank was almost empty. She became convinced that someone would kidnap her while I went to pay, and eventually threatened to blow us up by tossing her lighter at the gas pumps. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47076

You deserved it

3509

Tweet

Share

By fucked - 24/8/2014 20:03 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I landed my first job as a security officer. Only after I signed all the paperwork did I find out that the area I'll be working is apparently a hotspot for violent shootings. I'm screwed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41264

You deserved it

6163

Tweet

Share

By ididntevendrinkthatnight - 7/6/2013 05:14 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I got mugged on the way to my 21st birthday party at a bar. I begged the thug to at least throw me my ID, only to have him laugh and run away singing "happy birthday". FML

I agree, your life sucks

61743

You deserved it

3959

Tweet

Share

By kismet_fire - 4/11/2014 22:57 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a customer yelled at me because I gave her a wrinkled bag. I work in retail, and the bags are all cheap plastic. She wouldn't stop, even when I gave her 3 different bags. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34689

You deserved it

2688

Tweet

Share

By kenzieeeee - 30/12/2010 00:30 - United States

Today, I got stuck in a blizzard. My mother never picked me up like she was supposed to, and wasn't answering her phone. After walking around for a half hour, freezing, I finally found her. Where was she? Sitting in Pizza Hut, having a great time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31493

You deserved it

2344

Tweet

Share

By samantha - 17/8/2019 06:02 - United States

Today, I found out that after using several types of birth control, and being paranoid about pregnancy, I've been infertile for years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1871

You deserved it

170

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By kwbuzz23wk | 0

#140687 - Saturday 25 April 2009 2:14

its crazy how much more people care about animals than people these days...

a lot like in the movies, you can watch hundreds of people die and be upset, but as soon as a dog dies you begin to feel bad (example is i am legend, the human race was being destroyed and nobody cared until dog died)

By LionDemon | 0

#140682 - Saturday 25 April 2009 2:13

Ouch. That sucks.
My mom quit a year ago - but not for the dog. Good luck to her!

Comments

By LionDemon | 0

#140682 - Saturday 25 April 2009 2:13

Ouch. That sucks.
My mom quit a year ago - but not for the dog. Good luck to her!

Reply

G3ICO | 12

#6272087 - Friday 24 April 2015 21:48

Because fuck human

By kwbuzz23wk | 0

#140687 - Saturday 25 April 2009 2:14

its crazy how much more people care about animals than people these days...

a lot like in the movies, you can watch hundreds of people die and be upset, but as soon as a dog dies you begin to feel bad (example is i am legend, the human race was being destroyed and nobody cared until dog died)

Reply

BrennaJoann | 0

#984467 - Sunday 25 April 2010 4:33

true this

if you've lived with your mom for 20 years shouldn't you have moved out by now? how old is the dog anyways? doesn't make sense.

Reply

SilenNex | 0

#1031855 - Wednesday 16 June 2010 4:52

AMEN TO THIS, PETA CAN LICK MY ASS!!!!!

Reply

Kurg | 0

#1821901 - Friday 10 December 2010 7:21

why aren't my comments showing up??

By pippysthename00 | 0

#140688 - Saturday 25 April 2009 2:14

Ha, sucks for you. Yo momma's right, it could hurt the little wee doggie!!!
Teee hee!!! (by the way, i agree with number 3)

By blondemoment | 0

#140692 - Saturday 25 April 2009 2:14

Well. . .at least she quit

By jio_freed | 0

#140693 - Saturday 25 April 2009 2:14

you are number 3...

By grazynaanka | 0

#140697 - Saturday 25 April 2009 2:15

Well I wouldn't complain too much. At least she's quitting right.

Reply

myxcure | 2

#2518737 - Monday 16 May 2011 13:46

I get the impression OP doesn't actually care if the mom quits, but rather what the second hand smoke will do for him/her... Apparently, mom isn't the only selfish one. I wanted my mom to quit so she could be healthier...

By mustache321 | 0

#140698 - Saturday 25 April 2009 2:15

this FML has been on for like 1 minute and already im #7

By FackMyLyfe | 0

#140707 - Saturday 25 April 2009 2:17

Well at least she's quitting unlike my dad. I'll probably die of smoking before he does from all the smoke I've been inhaling everytime I'm next to him.

By drummergirl | 0

#140709 - Saturday 25 April 2009 2:17

youre number seven smartss.
but i agree with #2.
thousands of people are dying overseas and yet many of us feel worse when the dog dies in marley and me.

Reply

TorgoOoOo | 0

#2969343 - Monday 25 July 2011 5:20

you ruined the ending!! I was going to watch it tonight. thanks.....

By Serial | 2

#140717 - Saturday 25 April 2009 2:19

looks like if you want to get something out of her, you have to start barking