Miscellaneous: Today, my mom got angry that I wasn't responding to her texts....

By Anonymous - United States - Racine

Today, my mom got angry that I wasn't responding to her texts. I couldn't because I was in the dentist's chair. She'd dropped me off, and after returning from errands, sent the text from the waiting room. FML

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Miscellaneous

Understandable

It's the thought that counts

Grow up

By mat - France

Today, me and my family watched the video of my birth. In the video, when my mother sees me for the first time, she says "God he's ugly!" FML

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By alix - United Kingdom - High Wycombe

Today, my dog was diagnosed with depression. I got him to help with my depression. I guess we can just be miserable together. FML

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By intranator - Jordan

Today, I waited in line to get into a club with my girlfriend, the bouncer only let her in, she told me to call her if I needed anything and left me. We were supposed to celebrate my birthday. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out why my husband had wanted to wait until marriage to get it on. Last night was the first night of our honeymoon, and he informed me that he wasn't always Ben, but used to be Brenda. His 'penis' doesn't work and he had wanted to know I "truly loved him" before he had let me know. FML

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201858

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By Barney - United States

Today, I painted my daughter's bedroom. When I wasn't paying attention, the cat walked through the paint tray. There are now Barney purple paw prints all over the house. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came to the conclusion that you should always tell the truth. While I was busy reassuring her that the condom didn't break, she was telling me how it was okay because she was on the pill. According to the pregnancy test, we both lied. FML

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By j.b. - United States

Today, I found out that my husband thinks its okay to have an online girlfriend and have naked pictures sent to his email because he's not "physically touching, making love, or kissing". The sad part is that the online girlfriend gets more action than me. FML

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By itsawonderfulife - United States

Today, I was walking around my new school trying to figure out where to go. Then I realized I was talking to myself. Out loud. FML

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By Mr.Hoof-In-Mouth

Today, I was talking to a customer needing IT help. I make small talk about how my birthday is on the same day the Boy Scouts were formed, and I tell the customer I am sure something interesting happened on his birthday. He gets quiet, then gives his birthday. September11th. Cue the long silence. FML

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By Fuperman - France - Illange

Today, I went on my first ever assisted skydive. I fainted after we jumped, and only came to as we touched the ground. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, it's been almost a week since I returned from my vacation to Ireland. Before I rarely drank. Now I'm pretty sure I'm an alcoholic. You might think I'm joking, but I've woken up hungover every day since I landed there. I basically paid to kill my liver and become AA's next poster child. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Crystal Lake

Today, my family and I went to feed carrots to the giraffes at the zoo. After I finished my first cup of carrots, I turned back to get some more. Suddenly, I was jerked back and a chunk of my hair was ripped out. The giraffe mistook the orange barrette in my hair for a carrot. FML

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By peter - Indonesia

Today, it's my birthday. I'm a pastry chef by profession. Not only did my family buy a cake from my bakery, I had to make it myself and inscribe it with 'Happy Birthday Dad'. The worst part is, they asked money from me to pay for it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was working at my job as a cashier, checking out an elderly woman's groceries. She was very nice, and we chatted for a couple minutes. Once she had paid, she leaned close to me and said, very politely, "I'm so so sorry that I mistook you for a girl at first, young man." I AM a girl. FML

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By mark807 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I fell and hit my head on hard concrete. When I went to the emergency room for a CT Scan, the nurse hit me in the head with an IV pole. FML

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By lonerjik - United States

Today, while I was sleeping I heard my girlfriend moaning. She was seemed to be having a wet dream. She moaned more in her dream than when having sex with me. FML

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By blewidstepr

Today, I realized my 3 year old son, who is being potty trained, has better aim standing up to pee than his 30 year old father. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I learned that the guy I was seeing had a girlfriend that he hid from me. I found this out when she attacked me. FML

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1725

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By yeahno - United States

Today, I wore my high school letterman jacket while I was out shopping. A man saw me and muttered to his wife about how sad it is some adults can't grow up and continue to wear their high school paraphernalia, constantly trying to relive their senior year. I am a senior. FML

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By sam.exe - United States - New York

Today, I was declined a sales position at a local store. As I headed out, I heard the interviewer telling a colleague, "Christ. That kid had less charisma than Microsoft Sam." FML

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By hating labels - Australia

Today, at breakfast, my sister labelled me a "feminist." My whole family now refuses to talk to me for more than 30 seconds, and acts as though I have an incurable, highly contagious disease. FML

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23786

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By Drew - United States

Today, I discovered that my mom is having an affair... with her cousin. FML

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By bizzyizzy0121 - United States

Today, I was called by a restricted number. The man on the phone then explained to me in detail what I was doing at every second that I was on the phone with him. I'm scared to leave my house. FML

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By Hunter Ferguson - United States - Fort Washington

Today, I got grounded for 2 weeks for slapping my brother after he threw a baseball at my head and hit my shin with a bat. He’s in 9th grade and I'm in 8th. He got ice cream to "cheer him up". FML

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By waj9876 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me she knows I've been cheating on her, and is desperate to prove she's "better than that other slut, or it's over between us." I've been pushed down and forcefully kissed ten times now. All because she saw a pic online of me kissing a girl. It was her. FML

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By TalkDirtyToMe - New Zealand

Today, I finally worked up the nerve to talk dirty to my boyfriend, after he promised not to laugh at me. All seemed well, until I heard laughter. It wasn't him, though; it was his family listening from the other room. FML

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By alrightsheryl - United States

Today, is my 18th birthday. I call my parents and they tell me they found weed in the guest house and so they called my boarding school to drug test me. It wasn't my weed. They didn't even say "Happy Birthday." FML

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By Dear God Why

Today, I finally determined the source of the horrible smell that periodically invades my apartment: there's nothing wrong with the plumbing as I previously thought, I can just smell my neighbors pooping in their bathroom on the other side of the wall. FML

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By david - United States

Today, I decided to smoke a cigarette while I was driving to work. I was also eating french fries during the drive. I had never realized how much a cigarette feels like a french fry. In conclusion, cigarettes don't taste very good when you bite into them. FML

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By Entity303 - 14/11/2020 21:32 - India

Damp, dark night

Today, I'm staying in a hotel. The power went out while I was having a shower. So I waited for it to come back on, until an announcement came over the fire alarm, "Due to generating failure, the power will be off for the rest of the night. Sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused, and have a good night." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my brother had his hot friend over. I decided to make a move because he was staring at me and smiling all night. So I asked him which holiday was his favorite, Christmas or Easter while I batted my eyes and smiled. Thats when he said, "you have lettuce in your teeth." FML

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By fearofzombies - United States

Today, before I went to bed, I watched a terrifying movie with zombies. I woke up with a headache, a bloody nose, and my mom standing over me frantically asking me what was wrong. Apparently I had been "fighting the zombies off" in my sleep and had been punching myself in the face. FML

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By notabeliever - United States

Today, my wife threw a piece of tofu cake at my head for suggesting that the money she'd spent on magic "healing" crystals and homeopathic "remedies" would've just as well been spent on a chocolate teapot. FML

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28661

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By 14YearOld - United Kingdom

Today, I found out my parents have a list of everything I have ever Googled. FML

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By Anonymous - Philippines

Today, I learned that shaving while feeling upset is a very bad idea. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lancaster

Today, I was reading erotic literature and noticed several errors in syntax, resulting in my mood being killed. I was cockblocked by my need for grammatical correctness. FML

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28245

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By Anonymous - United States - Winston Salem

Today, my coworker and I were discussing our office's lack of break room, and how we should suggest a picnic table for our upcoming landscaping. We concluded that someone would let their dog steal our lunches if we ate outside. Working at the vet's sucks. FML

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By fuck - 22/1/2020 14:00 - Canada - Airdrie

Late reaction

Today, I was masturbating in my bedroom, when suddenly, my mom opened the door and walked in with guests. I didn't react quick enough. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2020 17:02

One hell of a poker game?

Today, I lost 1200 dollars, my fiancée, my dog, my apartment, and my car. FML

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1070

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By metallifreak44 - Canada

Today, as a support worker, I spent 45 minutes making various attempts to calm a violent autistic kid. Just as soon as I was sure the crisis was over, he beat me as hard as he could with the "Things I Can Do When I'm Mad" book I'd given him. FML

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Top comments

By Cads1 | 24

#6378850 - Wednesday 12 August 2015 15:10

Parents and technology. Never a good mix.

By Rkikkas9713 | 25

#6378861 - Wednesday 12 August 2015 15:14

It's a dentists office. That makes no sense as a pun.

COMMENTS

By Benpie | 22

#6378848 - Wednesday 12 August 2015 15:10

Lol, come on man, stop DICKIN around?

Rkikkas9713 | 25

#6378861 - Wednesday 12 August 2015 15:14

It's a dentists office. That makes no sense as a pun.

lulinator | 40

#6378919 - Wednesday 12 August 2015 16:25

What? This comment needs a follow up.

nix1993 | 41

#6378952 - Wednesday 12 August 2015 16:56

I think he meant to reply to the "Stop teasing me, put everything in" dude below

lulinator | 40

#6378972 - Wednesday 12 August 2015 17:16

Ahhh, that makes sense. Thank you! Little slow this morning. :)

Mcstud1y | 30

#6379181 - Wednesday 12 August 2015 20:42

Sarcasm? Maybe?

countryb_cth | 38

#6379692 - Thursday 13 August 2015 9:00

I don't know how people end up replying to the wrong fml

By Cads1 | 24

#6378850 - Wednesday 12 August 2015 15:10

Parents and technology. Never a good mix.

By guii_fml | 24

#6378852 - Wednesday 12 August 2015 15:11

Women these days

By CaptainBat | 9

#6378855 - Wednesday 12 August 2015 15:12

Such a good mom lol

By MrGibbs25 | 20

#6378859 - Wednesday 12 August 2015 15:13

the worst is when they drug you up and then get all chatty with ya. for the next hour they nod their head while you let lose a series of unintelligent grunts.

seninaa | 27

#6378863 - Wednesday 12 August 2015 15:14

Series of unintelligent...what?

MrGibbs25 | 20

#6378864 - Wednesday 12 August 2015 15:15

grunts.............. read the whole paragraph.

By JuzReading | 23

#6378870 - Wednesday 12 August 2015 15:17

She really couldn't put two and two together??

By FemskyD | 26

#6378873 - Wednesday 12 August 2015 15:20

Shes quite protective hm

By barlos88 | 19

#6378892 - Wednesday 12 August 2015 15:45

Apologize and fire back with over communication, let her know when you take a shit, describe it to her, remind her how important it is you always be in communication ;)

By hoosiergirl94 | 31

#6378893 - Wednesday 12 August 2015 15:45

That's like if the dentist asked you a bunch of questions and got mad that you couldn't respond because their fingers were in your mouth

By worldclassrager | 39

#6378901 - Wednesday 12 August 2015 15:57

If you weren't in the waiting room wouldn't it be logical that you were getting worked on?

xxmollyxx | 25

#6379025 - Wednesday 12 August 2015 18:21

Yes, hence the FML.