Today, my hairdresser apologised because he couldn't distinguish...

By Edgarillo - 14/2/2013 07:59 - Vietnam - Ho Chi Minh City

Today, my hairdresser apologised because he couldn't distinguish the hair from the back of my head from the hair from my back. FML

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Miscellaneous

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

This ain't working out

Trust

By boardman - 25/5/2009 02:17 - United States

Creeped out

Today, I found out my parents joined the mile-high club. While I was on the plane. FML

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By Whoops - 28/1/2010 20:21 - France

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a make-out session in the backseat of his car, when we heard a voice coming from his pants. Who did he pocket dial? My house. At midnight, when I was supposed to be home. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/2/2015 10:33 - Australia - Maddington

Today, I got pulled over for speaking on my phone. I accepted the fine because I was too ashamed to tell the cute officer that I was actually trying to pop a huge pimple on my cheek. FML

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By fmypaint - 14/10/2009 09:31 - United States

Today, I was vigorously putting primer on my canvas for a beginning painting class. I accidentally sprayed specks of primer on the very dark painting to the right of mine. The painter is in an advanced class. She's been working on this one all semester. There's no one to her right. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2016 19:47 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I finally found out why my graphics card in my PC had been overheating recently. My brother disconnected the card's fan because it was too loud when he was gaming. I guess I can always spend another $750. FML

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By csully - 10/1/2009 06:34 - France

Today, I made some popcorn. Returning to the kitchen a couple of minutes later, I realized I was supposed to put a cover on the saucepan. FML

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By justdoingmyjob - 18/7/2009 20:10 - United States

Today, I was meeting the mayor of a major city as part of an internship program. Seated directly in front of him during his presentation on the budget crisis, he unleashed an enormous, foul fart in front of the entire audience. And then blamed it on me, everyone believed him. FML

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By badmom - 25/2/2012 11:25 - Ireland

Today, my 18-year old son decided to run his hand over our wooden fence to try and get a splinter, as he "forgot what they felt like." Last month, he stabbed himself in the arm with a sewing needle because he "forgot what an injection feels like." I raised this idiot. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/6/2013 22:09 - United Kingdom - Worcester Park

Today, the crazy son of a bitch who lives next door to me once again got into a loud, rather one-sided argument with his cat. 20 minutes later, he knocked on my door, asking if he could stay at my place for a couple of days. The look he gave me when I said no has me fearing for my life. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2014 00:59

Today, I opened my window due to the good weather. I was lucky enough to listen to the sounds of someone violently throwing up for over an hour. The window got stuck open. FML

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By Loser - 13/9/2016 12:10 - Germany - Neuburg

Today, following a 6-hour roundtrip after having lost both games from a baseball doubleheader, I was pleasantly surprised to see that my 4-year-old son was still up. After updating him on the day's results, he went off to bed with the words, "Good night, loser." FML

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By Imaginary girlfriend - 21/9/2009 04:16 - France

Today, I found out that my whole family thinks my girlfriend is imaginary. I sent her a text in front of them telling her that. She never responded. FML

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By Anaconda - 7/3/2017 14:00

Today, I ordered a plain cheeseburger. The cashier was confused, so I explained, "just meat and cheese". When I got my food, my burger didn't have a bun. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/4/2013 18:56 - United States - Huntington Park

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend for the first time, and she reached down to feel me up. When her hands got there, she stopped and said, "You're not even hard..." I was. FML

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By tsakashvili - 26/5/2009 04:38 - United States

Today, I decided to scare my 10 year old sister for fun. I hid behind a door and leapt out, shouting "Boo!" when she walked by. She burst into tears and ran screaming to my mom. My mom thought I'd hit my sister, and was so angry that she punched me in the eye. FML

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By Wolf - 20/1/2009 16:20 - Trinidad and Tobago

Today, while sitting next to me, my boyfriend sends a text to one of his "friends" saying "I'm thinking of you". FML

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By ForgottenAgain - 29/8/2010 16:58 - United States

Today, my boyfriend sat me down to reassure me that his competitive, possessive ex-wife will not come between us or ruin our relationship. Mid-conversation, his phone rang. It was her, and he left to answer it. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2010 13:05 - United States

Today, for the first time, a good looking guy was in my yoga class. Today also marked the first time I farted during yoga class. FML

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By - 12/11/2008 08:10 - France

Today, I dropped my keys in the sewer. The spare ones are inside my locked car. FML

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By unfortunate419 - 17/2/2010 07:30 - United States

Today, I brought my new girlfriend over to show off to my family when my senile great-grandmother walked into the room wearing nothing but her underpants asking when the Olympics come on. FML

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By rashree - 13/2/2010 01:34 - United States

Today, my long-distance boyfriend told me that he was going to pee on me to "mark his territory." When I told him that it was disgusting, he said, "last time, I just peed on you in the shower." FML

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By poop_mcqueen - 30/7/2009 06:51 - United States

Today, I bought a cool new pair of sunglasses. I wore them today, and all day I kept getting comments about how much I looked like Ozzy Osbourne and John Lennon. I'm a girl. FML

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By Azcrazy - 3/8/2009 17:16 - United States

Today, I quit my job after two years. Now I have my crazy boss sitting out in front of my house, telling me she wants to work things out. She has been there all day. FML

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By Anon E. Mouse - 15/9/2015 11:47 - United States - Waterville

Today, my ex told me about how much the person she left me for loves the lingerie I bought her. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2009 04:46 - United States

Today, I applied for college graduation. Turns out my advisor screwed me over and now I'm 1 credit hour short of getting my degree. Now I have to wait another semester and pay $3,500 just to take a one hour class on Bowling so that I can graduate. FML

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By goo - 10/2/2017 18:00 - United States - Louisville

Today, while having fun between the sheets with my boyfriend, his allergies got the best of him and his nose started running. Every time he kissed me he'd drip snot onto my face. When I complained, he said I was being insensitive. FML

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By sdauner - 1/3/2010 21:55 - United States

Today, I found a $100 bill on the ground and was thinking, "I'm so lucky!!" I opened my wallet to find that $300 was missing. I looked back and saw some guy picking up $300. FML

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By monkers - 6/10/2012 07:12 - Canada - Westlock

Today, I have such bad diarrhea that every time I sneeze I poop. I've discovered it's very hard to run to the bathroom every time I feel the urge to sneeze. FML

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By februarymarchapril - 4/2/2015 03:45 - United States - Austin

Today, I shaved for the first time. My mum gave me a razor and I spent about 20 minutes trying to use it. I gave up, yelling, "FUCK IT!" and put it back on the shelf. It fell, and as it hit the floor, a lid fell off. I'd tried to shave with a sheathed razor for 20 minutes. FML

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By AtLeastTheyreClean - 27/1/2017 19:28 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, after hours of protesting and tantrums, I finally got my kids to clean their rooms. They're all really proud of themselves and enjoying all the extra space. I'm stuck with the three extra loads of laundry they found in there. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/1/2013 01:04 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my boss put me on suspension for violating company policy by having non-work related mail in my inbox. They were spam emails. FML

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By wastedbaby - 4/7/2011 02:02 - United States

Today, I was watching a home video of when my mom was pregnant with me. She had a beer in her hand. FML

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By sleepytime - 5/10/2009 16:36 - United States

Today, I was really, REALLY tired at work. I went to the restroom to take a little break, and must have dozed off, because I was awoken by my boss, knocking on the door of the stall. Apparently, I had been snoring. FML

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By compguy - 25/2/2010 15:39 - United States

Today, I applied and was accepted for a part-time network engineering position. Being contract work they asked me what I charge. I replied, "$12 an hour." After a look of surprise they accepted me for the position and said, "Our last guy charged $200 an hour, you're a bargain." FML

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By chill - 17/12/2009 22:08 - United States

Today, my grandpa sent me a letter apologizing for not congratulating me about my graduation last spring. Too bad I don't graduate until May. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2014 03:19 - United States - Scottsbluff

Today, my girlfriend and I tried out a website where you upload pictures of two people, and it shows you what their future children might look like. She actually started crying because the kid we were shown wasn't cute enough for her liking. FML

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By queenmabby - 16/1/2019 12:00

Today, for the first time ever, I was able to have a good hair day without blow drying it or using product. Or so I thought. The first words my mom spoke to me when I came downstairs were “Go fix your hair.” FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2012 00:46 - United States - Detroit

Today, it was my first day at my new job at a nursing home. Not only were we short staffed, two residents passed away, and I got beaten up by an old man. FML

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By JJMan217 - 3/4/2011 07:02 - Canada

Today, I attended a funeral. During the minute of silence, my phone went off. My ringtone is "It's good to be alive". FML

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By mastermind - 22/8/2018 23:30

Today, in an attempt to keep a conversation flowing, I panicked and asked a man what country he was from in response to him telling me he was Brazilian. FML