Today, my family and I are sitting in our house while Hurricane...

By With_Love929 - 29/10/2012 21:45 - United States - Staten Island

Today, my family and I are sitting in our house while Hurricane Sandy is going on. My grandma is freaking out because she believes it's our recently deceased dog Sandy getting revenge for putting her to sleep and getting a new dog. FML

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Animals

Family values

What did I do?

The Summoner

By me - 27/10/2010 12:36 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend elbowed me in the eye while we were sleeping. His excuse: "You shouldn't have stayed over." FML

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By brokeaf - 11/7/2011 19:09 - United States

Today, I received a $50 iTunes card for my birthday. I immediately sat down at my computer and starting buying all my newest favorites. Then I realized I never redeemed my card so the $50 was all charged to my account. FML

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By SnowyConcussion - 23/12/2009 14:30 - United States

Today, after spending the past 4 days asking both my husband and my father-in-law to salt our sidewalk, I slipped on the ice. I hit my head on our concrete stairs. While holding ice on my head, my father-in-law pats my head and says "I'll go get some salt." FML

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By Kyley - 8/5/2014 11:55 - United States

Today, I was broken up with via a cereal analogy. Apparently, I'm a Cheerio and all he wants is a Froot Loop. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/5/2020 17:00

Mind control

Today, after my fiancee gave me $100 to spend at the garden center as my Mother's Day gift, when I was on my way home from the center, he called and yelled at me because I didn't get what he wanted me to get. FML

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By blondessdoll - 4/5/2016 17:30 - United States

Today, when getting my eyebrows waxed, the lady cursed "oh shit!" under her breath, right after waxing half of my brow off. FML

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By hurt - 14/3/2010 00:27 - United States

Today, finally accepting the fact that the love of my life has moved on, I took myself to a movie, alone, on a Saturday night. After buying the last ticket to a sold out movie and trying to find the only open seat in the dark, I sit down... right next to my ex-best friend AND my ex-fiancé. FML

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By ineedbetterfriends - 15/6/2013 21:08 - Netherlands - Amersfoort

Today, I told my friend, who's a marriage counsellor, about some of the things my husband does that I hate, like snoring loudly and eating with his mouth open. I wasn't asking for advice, but she just looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Divorce." Bye-bye, faith in humanity. FML

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By drastech99 - 23/9/2011 06:22 - United States

Today, my wife got so upset I didn't hold her while Snooki from Jersey Shore was crying, that after the episode was done she locked herself in our room crying. Now I have to sleep on the floor of my living room. Thanks Snooki. FML

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By R - 28/10/2009 22:29 - United Kingdom

Today, at work we were gathered to be told some bad news. One of our colleagues would be taking indefinite leave because his wife had dropped their newborn baby. I accidentally laughed at the image. FML

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By ShortieRose - 28/5/2019 22:13

Always proofread before sending

Today, I was texting with my close friend about her very sick father. She texted, "I hope he gets better" and I replied, "I hope he does." Autocorrect changed it to, "I hope he dies." FML

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By angie24w - 7/8/2018 23:30

Today, I had no choice but to use a porta potty. I was happy to get a clean one. I wasn't happy when a young child tried opening the door and used enough force to break the lock, showing me sitting on the toilet to the world. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/5/2014 04:48 - United States

Today, while lifeguarding, I slipped and fell from my chair and onto the cement. Embarrassed and actually quite hurt, I tried to climb back up to the chair, but it tipped. I fell half onto the cement half into the pool, just before the chair landed on top of me. FML

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By Mito - 10/9/2017 23:15

Today, we had an impromptu meeting to get to know the new additions to the team. They asked me to introduce myself. I started a year ago. FML

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By Dude_Stop - 27/3/2017 18:00

Today, I was hanging out with my friends when I tripped and a chair rolled over my foot, breaking a bone. A friend, who didn't believe me, then dogpiled on top of me and laughed as I screamed. FML

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By anonymous - 5/1/2013 16:16 - United States

Today, I started charging my phone in the car during a family road trip. The car recognized my iPhone as an MP3 player and started playing the audio from the porn video I watched before we left. Everybody heard. FML

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By rhartnett11 - 16/2/2011 12:56

Today, I woke up to a bloody nose. Instead of rushing to the bathroom, I creatively dripped the blood over a knife for photography class because the assignment was to show emotion. So many of the students and faculty were disturbed that I'm now forced to talk to the school psychologist. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2011 17:58 - Vietnam

Today, I checked into a hotel because my boss had assigned me to a new position. As soon as the reception lady looked up, she had me kicked out of the hotel. Apparently, one of the regulations is, "No prostitutes allowed." I was wearing a business suit. FML

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By unamyous - 8/6/2012 13:26 - United States - Canoga Park

Phone-blocked

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting hot in the bedroom. Her phone rang and she stopped to have an hour long conversation with her ex. FML

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By budadepressed - 18/7/2016 21:22 - United States - Burnsville

Today, due to a scheduling error, I spent an entire day and night in an airport, over 30 hours in total. Just as I arrived at the gate, I was informed that my flight had been delayed for another 2 hours. FML

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By jacie - 18/11/2018 15:30

Today, I tried on a pair of pants in a dressing room and they didn’t fit. However, my period came suddenly and left a massive bloodstain, so I had to buy them anyway. In case you’re wondering, the pants were white, the cashier was male and cute, and he definitely noticed. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2012 02:49 - Canada - Oakville

Today, I ran into an old friend, and she remarked how she couldn't believe we hadn't seen each other in a year. Except not only did I attend her baby shower a few weeks ago, I spent hundreds of dollars on a unique gift. FML

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By You're NOT getting lucky today hun - 12/10/2012 09:27 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, after confronting my boyfriend about cheating on me, he confessed to everything. I was caught off guard by his honesty, but not nearly as caught off guard as I was when he eagerly questioned me on when our breakup sex will be. FML

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By fuckbucket14 - 14/4/2012 22:56 - Egypt - Hurghada

Today, I got into an argument with my dad in his hotel room. I lost my temper and stormed out onto the balcony for some fresh air, at which point he decided to lock the door behind me, trapping me there for half an hour while he watched TV. FML

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By glam300 - 30/12/2011 18:21 - United Kingdom

Today, my friend commented on my short skirt and, thinking she was being funny, tried to pull it down. I quickly moved away, causing it to come off in her hands. My shocked scream attracted the attention of at least a dozen bystanders. FML

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By xoothc08 - 25/2/2009 22:06 - United States

Today, I came back from college and visited my parents house. There was a new family portrait hung over the mantel of my parents and 2 sisters. My mom had always wanted one but always postponed it. It was dated the day after I left for college. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2011 00:20 - United States

Today, eating my weight in breadsticks at Olive Garden and trying to relive my childhood via a pogo stick was not a good combination. My new shoes are now a different color. FML

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By Steve-noh - 10/8/2018 23:30

All in a day's work.

Today, at my job as a waiter I sharted myself while taking an order. They tipped me $20 and wrote "for new underwear" on the receipt. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/2/2014 15:47 - United States - Kennett

Today, trying to be a responsible parent, I bought my daughter a pack of condoms in case she ever decided to have sex. She turned them into balloon animals and went back to playing video games. FML

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By sad_dad - 24/10/2009 17:35 - Canada

Today, I got home from work and heard the shower in my bathroom running. Thinking my wife was taking a shower, I got completely undressed and walked in. My wife wasn't in the shower, instead I found my daughter and her boyfriend in the shower, making out. There was an awkward moment of silence. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2012 23:11 - United States - Danby

Today, at my school they were having a carnival to raise money. One of the patrons suggested that if they wanted to make money, they should have people pledge money to make me cover my ugly face with a bag. The school got over $500, and I had to wear a bag. FML

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By Ummm - 3/8/2016 19:45 - United States - Wheaton

Today, I was on a second date with a guy. Things got a little handsy and he pulled down his pants to reveal a micro-penis. He then smiled and asked me to be his girlfriend. FML

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By teejayrn - 17/12/2011 06:49 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I loved him for the first time. His response was to smile and pat me on the head. FML

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By For - 28/12/2010 14:00 - United States

Today, I asked my husband if he thought I was pretty. He replied "compared to what?" He was serious. FML

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By glocked and goaded - 3/4/2015 18:08 - United States - Sun City

Today, at my cousin's wedding, there was a bouquet toss. I jumped to catch it, only to get knocked down and crushed by a woman twice my size who'd jumped backwards. It still feels like someone shattered my ribs with a sledgehammer. FML

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By Longhorn2011 - 17/6/2009 17:44 - United States

Today, I went commando because its 98 degrees and sweaty boxers are a pain. While walking to class at UT I heard a girl laugh behind me, I turned and flashed a quick smile and kept walking. It turns out I had sweat through my khakis and she totally could see my crack. Texas weather sucks. FML

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By Strainer - 23/5/2015 04:38 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I strained so hard trying to take a crap that I broke a blood vessel in my eye. FML

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By conley19 - 15/9/2009 04:17 - United States

Today, at work a little girl wanted a slushie. Instead of pushing the tab in, she lifted it up and broke the machine, spilling slushie all over the floor. I was the only one working, so I had to clean it all up. I spent the rest of my shift covered in red slushie and smelling like cherry. FML

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By pumboc - 24/6/2013 05:38 - Australia - Glen Waverley

Today, I thought I was home alone. Likewise, my visiting grandfather thought he was alone. You can imagine the mutual surprise when I caught him stealing money from my sister's bedroom. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/10/2014 15:42 - Australia - Burnside

Today, my wife pressed a button in the elevator and quickly ran out, leaving me in there with my crying baby. When the elevator arrived at the floor, the doors opened on a wedding reception. The doors couldn't have taken any longer to close again FML

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Top comments

By 182crazyking | 9

#5095369 - Monday 29 October 2012 23:41

Sandy: The Revenge. It will be much better than the last few SAW movies.

By Welshite | 39

#5095399 - Monday 29 October 2012 23:44

It's a proven fact that every natural disaster is the reincarnated soul of an angry pet. I thought everyone knew that...

COMMENTS

By 182crazyking | 9

#5095369 - Monday 29 October 2012 23:41

Sandy: The Revenge. It will be much better than the last few SAW movies.

ozone9914 | 2

#5095579 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 0:16

haha yeah

pokemai | 6

#5095624 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 0:28

- "hm.. I think I felt a breeze.."

- "oh no! I knew this day would come! It is Sandy! Wagging it's tail from beyond!"

vuragado | 10

#5095782 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 1:15

I'm sorry but I love your anime picture, but I don't know who it is!

AlexisDeLuz | 5

#5095887 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 1:51

Hutsune miku the vocaliod

Len_Kagamine | 8

#5095904 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 1:55

Her picture is of Miku Hatsune, she's a Vocaloid :)

fml121785 | 14

#5095960 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 2:02

Where is pandalover69 at on this FML to tell you to STFU and get over it you'll be fine? SMH!

Grannies are awesome by the way, praying for y'all up there!

christyxbee | 15

#5096113 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 2:56

Tell her to have some whiskey, makes you feel better!

meganfoxissexy | 0

#5096442 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 5:29

I must have the weirdest sense of humor ever cuz I don't think this comment is funny at all...

meganfoxissexy | 0

#5097384 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 14:20

I must have a weird sense of humor because I don't find this comment funny at all..??

vuragado | 10

#5098376 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 22:05

Also. My apologies for thread jacking, let the downs commence!

TheTaurus21 | 5

#5107823 - Friday 2 November 2012 12:21

MIKUUUUU!!!!

By emilymaeve | 8

#5095372 - Monday 29 October 2012 23:41

Ooosh

Welshite | 39

#5095417 - Monday 29 October 2012 23:47

*swoosh, swish, or swash

Take your pick.

blcksocks | 19

#5095697 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 0:47

One more comrade fallen under the pressure of being the first commenter

By Olivxr | 5

#5095379 - Monday 29 October 2012 23:42

grandmas, they say the darndest things...

doctorwhofan567 | 2

#5095617 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 0:26

More like stupid XD

NeedaLifeSoon | 2

#5095710 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 0:50

Darndest?

N3766 | 20

#5096187 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 3:25

29, to be honest I thumbed you down because of your name without even read your comment.

Goldenchest | 14

#5096323 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 4:24

68 - Hey. Don't diss the Doctor.

N3766 | 20

#5096680 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 8:28

I didn't, but this is just too far. I could careless for the thumbs down, I officially give no fuck :)

By Olivxr | 5

#5095380 - Monday 29 October 2012 23:42

grandmas, they say the darndest things...

By domking1315 | 20

#5095382 - Monday 29 October 2012 23:42

She's off her meds

LoveGuru69 | 0

#5095790 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 1:18

Granny needs to get laid

flamegrilled123 | 3

#5095796 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 1:22

^^ thanks for the mental image, excuse me while I go throw up

Posthuman | 26

#5096019 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 2:16

gMINF: Grandmother I'd NEVER Fuck

jojimugo | 20

#5096393 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 5:01

60 it's no fun if you to explain it

sens3sfailing | 24

#5096560 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 6:36

Gypsy Mints In Narnia Fibbing? Gaaaah! I give up!

sheethapins | 13

#5096659 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 7:48

Guys Masterbating Is Not Funny?

Gnomes Managing In No Field?

Gummy Mummy I Name Fred?

insertnameherr | 11

#5097873 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 18:30

No, I just think her grandma's Annie.

By TrippingOnAcid | 29

#5095383 - Monday 29 October 2012 23:42

Grandmas are strange

Clioo_fml | 17

#5095509 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 0:01

I love old people...

yabbadabbadooyah | 12

#5096569 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 6:42

My grandma was talking about not wanting to go to a different floor in her building because of an earthquake in another part of the world.. Very interesting