Animals: Today, my family and I are sitting in our house while Hurricane...

By With_Love929 - United States - Staten Island

Today, my family and I are sitting in our house while Hurricane Sandy is going on. My grandma is freaking out because she believes it's our recently deceased dog Sandy getting revenge for putting her to sleep and getting a new dog. FML

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Animals

Triage

The magic of love

Thanks ma

By Anonymous - United States - San Jose

Today, I started my new job as a cashier for a drugstore. As I scanned some children's medicine for a family, I gave the girl a tissue because her nose was running. Later, my boss sat me down and told me there had been a complaint about a "female pedo-employee". I'm the only woman working there. FML

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By Ren - United States

Today, I applied for a job in an Italian restaurant. Ideally I wanted to be a hostess rather than a waitress, and I told the manager as much. His response? "No no no. Hostess no good for you. We leave that to the pretty girls." FML

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By redhead - United States - Lima

Well Played

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of two years is dating another girl. Not only do she and I share the same hair and eye color, but we also happen to have the same first name. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Ormskirk

Today, my mother-in-law confessed that for the longest time, she had fantasies about killing me for "ruining" her daughter's life, basically because I'm not wealthy enough for my mother-in-law's standards. She made sure to let me know the situation hasn't changed at all. FML

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By CoolGuy69 - Sweden - M?lnlycke

Today, I studied all night for a big test. I ended up falling asleep on the bus ride there. I woke up in a different province. FML

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12958

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2020 08:01

Time to move out

Today, I'm spending $1,400 on rent each month to hear my upstairs neighbor walk from one end of their apartment to the other, and then back again. This occurs pretty much all day and all night. Yesterday I woke up at 3:30 a.m. from the banging of steps. My other neighbor played his music so loud, I felt it through the wall. FML

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1353

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked into Jamba Juice like I do every day. I decided to order something different than I usually do, and was flattered when the cashier recognized me. Then he switched places with another employee, and from the back room I hear "Hey, ugly's back again." FML

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32975

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my aunt informed me that she thinks I'm faking the debilitating disease I've had for the past 13 years. Apparently she thinks I just don't want to go to college or get a job, and that I like living on disability. She also added that my entire extended family agrees with her. FML

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Today, my parents accidentally bounced some checks through a miscommunication. They now owe the bank $700 and can't afford groceries, which means we're relying on me, a 17-year-old girl who works at McDonald's 2 days a week, to get us by for the next few weeks. FML

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5974

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I won $200 a contest at a bar. The manager took me to a vault where money collected from the strippers go into a pool. He told me that at least half of the bills were slid through a strippers butt crack so I was to "choose wisely". FML

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By Gbeat411 - United States

Today, I went to boxing and this hot chick asked me if I was wearing a sports cup. I replied yes, when I wasn't. I thought she was going to check with her hand and feel. She checked with her knee. FML

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By shit Music - Slovenia - Ljubljana

Today, I forgot my headphones at home. When I got to work I found out that today was also the day the band next door had decided to practice their only song for 8 hours. FML

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11465

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By OopsMonkey - Netherlands

Today, for the 5th day in a row, I had to keep my 7-year-old home from school and search his poop because he "forgot" he's not supposed to swallow things like, in this case, a screw that fell off his scooter. FML

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27934

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By supersplatoon - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was walking down the street when someone started yelling at me, saying I was dead. I bolted, ran into a pole and when they caught up to me, said "Oh, wrong person." and walked off, leaving me bruised on the ground. FML

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By callie - United States

Today, I got some really bad mosquito bites on the outside of my thighs. They itched, and my jeans prevented me from scratching them, so I unbuttoned my pants, stuck my down my leg and started scratching. My mom walked in, and won't believe I wasn't masturbating. FML

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37807

You deserved it

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By Me - United States - San Francisco

Today, while bench pressing at the gym, I noticed my spotter had spit hanging from his mouth right above me. When I tried to warn him about it, he ignored me and told me to finish the set. When the drool fell in my mouth, I was startled and dropped the 175 weights and bar on my chest. FML

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23975

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By waxinghorror - United States

Today, my friend and I decided to get bikini waxes. Afterwards, the women who did the waxing told my friend it was $30 for her wax. Then, in front of the whole salon, the women points at me and says, "You! You so hairy- $35!". FML

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By Loud - Australia

Today, at work, I needed to fart and thought it would be fast and silent, so I let it rip. I was wrong. Everyone turned around and looked at me as my fart rolled on for a good 10 seconds. The worst part, I screamed, "It wasn't me!" while I was still farting. FML

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By sexisntfun - United States

Today, I was about to lose my virginity to my girlfriend, with whom I am genuinely in love. Right after I'd got the condom on, she said, "You do know this is break-up sex, right?" FML

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42041

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By anon - United Kingdom - London

Today, a notification from Tinder popped up on my girlfriend's phone, 'Congratulations, you have a new match'. FML

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28654

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By baberuth - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I heard my sister screaming from the basement, "Don't you hit me, you asshole!" Knowing her boyfriend was over, I ran downstairs with my baseball bat, ready to smash the fucker hitting my sister. Turns out they were just playing Mario Kart and he rammed her off the edge of a bridge. FML

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30357

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By prego - United States

Today, I called my mom into my room to ask her to bring me something. She reffered to me as a "lazy fat slug." I'm 38 weeks pregnant and was put on emergancy bedrest by my doctor. FML

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By manda - United States

Today, I had to call my mom and tell her about the insurance claim that is going to be coming through in the next couple of weeks. I spent the night in the hospital. I'm allergic to lube. FML

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By StillSingle - United States

Today, I went to my friend's beautiful wedding. The only other single girl there was 5 years old. She caught the bouquet. FML

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51216

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By Anonymous - United States - Yucaipa

Today, the Star Wars Cantina song had been stuck in my head since I woke up, as my brother was humming it. I finally managed to get it out of my head. Then my mom started to whistle it. It's stuck in my head again. FML

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By shyshy96679 - United States

Today, I was using the restroom when a little girl tried to open my stall. It was locked, so she slid under the door and tried to have a conversation with me while I was pooping. FML

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45992

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend compared my hair color to hers. Also, she braided my hair (two pieces) with hers (one piece). I asked her why and she finally broke down and told me. She has lice and didn't want to be the only one. FML

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62669

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By ihatemakingnames - United Kingdom - London

Today, I trimmed my ear hair, my nose hair, shaved my hobbit feet, and trimmed the little sprouts that give me a unibrow if left alone. I still can't grow a beard. FML

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32122

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By almost jobless - United States

Today, I was at work, photographing a baby boy. I grabbed a bench for him to use to hold himself upright. His mom asked if she should hold him instead, but I told her he'd be fine. Two seconds later, he fell backwards and brought the bench down on top of him. There goes my job. FML

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By lance - Australia

Today, I was pulled over by a cop and was fined $210 for making an illegal u-turn. When the cop finished writing my ticket and hopped in his car, he made the same u-turn. FML

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48682

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By anonymous - United States - Grandville

Today, at the yacht club I work at a girl ordered a Portabella wrap. She asked for no cheese or veggies, just the Portabellas. After she got the sandwich and ate half of it, she sent it back saying she didn't know it had mushrooms in it. FML

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48540

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving in my very own car that I bought and paid for myself, when I stopped at a stop light. Then I noticed the truck in front of me turn on his reverse lights. I honked desperately. He hits me, looks out the window and says "I see no damage" and drives away. FML

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62112

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I found out that my obese son, who is on a health-mandated diet and exercise plan, gorges on junk food whenever he has the chance. His logic? "It won't make you fatter if you crap it out." FML

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45501

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By ktreens - Canada - Brandon

Today, I was getting out of the car when I saw a dark figure approaching me from behind a shed. I screamed and threw my bag. It also threw its bag, due to the fact that it was my shadow on the wall. FML

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By Anonymous

Ivory pissed, too

Today, it was my 14-year anniversary. I'd spent weeks picking out a new gold wedding band for my husband. What did he get me? Nothing. Not even a happy anniversary text. FML

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1648

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By Sir Vom-a-lot - United Kingdom - West Drayton

Today, my girlfriend and I got to the stage in our relationship where she thinks its okay to change her tampon whilst I brush my teeth. FML

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33559

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By thatsnotmyname - United States - Calhoun City

Today, my boyfriend of a couple of weeks mixed up my name with his ex wife's name. After he said it, he looked at me and said, "You knew it was going to happen." FML

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44934

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By MoonStarShine3 - United Kingdom - Chorley

Today, my boss yelled at me for being 3 hours late. I was late because I fell down the stairs and broke my arm. Apparently, breaking my arm is not a good enough excuse. FML

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29335

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By dudewheresmywheelschicago - United States - Danville

Today, I had the most Chicago experience ever. While I was eating my delicious, deep dish pizza, someone was ripping the rims off my car 15 feet away. FML

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13572

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By JeezAndAges

Today, I walked in on my nineteen-year-old stepson masturbating into a pair of my panties. His excuse? He thought they belonged to my 17-year-old daughter. FML

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Top comments

By 182crazyking | 9

#5095369 - Monday 29 October 2012 23:41

Sandy: The Revenge. It will be much better than the last few SAW movies.

By Welshite | 39

#5095399 - Monday 29 October 2012 23:44

It's a proven fact that every natural disaster is the reincarnated soul of an angry pet. I thought everyone knew that...

COMMENTS

By 182crazyking | 9

#5095369 - Monday 29 October 2012 23:41

Sandy: The Revenge. It will be much better than the last few SAW movies.

ozone9914 | 2

#5095579 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 0:16

haha yeah

pokemai | 6

#5095624 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 0:28

- "hm.. I think I felt a breeze.."

- "oh no! I knew this day would come! It is Sandy! Wagging it's tail from beyond!"

vuragado | 10

#5095782 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 1:15

I'm sorry but I love your anime picture, but I don't know who it is!

AlexisDeLuz | 5

#5095887 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 1:51

Hutsune miku the vocaliod

Len_Kagamine | 8

#5095904 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 1:55

Her picture is of Miku Hatsune, she's a Vocaloid :)

fml121785 | 14

#5095960 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 2:02

Where is pandalover69 at on this FML to tell you to STFU and get over it you'll be fine? SMH!

Grannies are awesome by the way, praying for y'all up there!

christyxbee | 15

#5096113 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 2:56

Tell her to have some whiskey, makes you feel better!

meganfoxissexy | 0

#5096442 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 5:29

I must have the weirdest sense of humor ever cuz I don't think this comment is funny at all...

meganfoxissexy | 0

#5097384 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 14:20

I must have a weird sense of humor because I don't find this comment funny at all..??

vuragado | 10

#5098376 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 22:05

Also. My apologies for thread jacking, let the downs commence!

TheTaurus21 | 5

#5107823 - Friday 2 November 2012 12:21

MIKUUUUU!!!!

By emilymaeve | 8

#5095372 - Monday 29 October 2012 23:41

Ooosh

Welshite | 39

#5095417 - Monday 29 October 2012 23:47

*swoosh, swish, or swash

Take your pick.

blcksocks | 19

#5095697 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 0:47

One more comrade fallen under the pressure of being the first commenter

By Olivxr | 5

#5095379 - Monday 29 October 2012 23:42

grandmas, they say the darndest things...

doctorwhofan567 | 2

#5095617 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 0:26

More like stupid XD

NeedaLifeSoon | 2

#5095710 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 0:50

Darndest?

N3766 | 20

#5096187 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 3:25

29, to be honest I thumbed you down because of your name without even read your comment.

Goldenchest | 14

#5096323 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 4:24

68 - Hey. Don't diss the Doctor.

N3766 | 20

#5096680 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 8:28

I didn't, but this is just too far. I could careless for the thumbs down, I officially give no fuck :)

By Olivxr | 5

#5095380 - Monday 29 October 2012 23:42

grandmas, they say the darndest things...

By domking1315 | 20

#5095382 - Monday 29 October 2012 23:42

She's off her meds

LoveGuru69 | 0

#5095790 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 1:18

Granny needs to get laid

flamegrilled123 | 3

#5095796 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 1:22

^^ thanks for the mental image, excuse me while I go throw up

Posthuman | 26

#5096019 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 2:16

gMINF: Grandmother I'd NEVER Fuck

jojimugo | 20

#5096393 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 5:01

60 it's no fun if you to explain it

sens3sfailing | 24

#5096560 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 6:36

Gypsy Mints In Narnia Fibbing? Gaaaah! I give up!

sheethapins | 13

#5096659 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 7:48

Guys Masterbating Is Not Funny?

Gnomes Managing In No Field?

Gummy Mummy I Name Fred?

insertnameherr | 11

#5097873 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 18:30

No, I just think her grandma's Annie.

By TrippingOnAcid | 29

#5095383 - Monday 29 October 2012 23:42

Grandmas are strange

Clioo_fml | 17

#5095509 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 0:01

I love old people...

yabbadabbadooyah | 12

#5096569 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 6:42

My grandma was talking about not wanting to go to a different floor in her building because of an earthquake in another part of the world.. Very interesting