Miscellaneous: Today, it's my best friend's birthday. It's also the first year... - FML

By carine13 - 30/09/2012 03:49 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, it's my best friend's birthday. It's also the first year I've had her gift purchased, wrapped and mailed on time. The post office lost the parcel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 402

You deserved it 1 927

carine13_fml tells us more.

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Monday 1 October 2012 4:23

OP here! FM password retrival. lol Yeah Canada Post comes with free insurance so I got my money back.

This Charming Man

Triage

Hiding from the drama

Boozehound alert

By guiltyschuldig49 - 25/04/2020 23:00

Today, I'm exhausted. For the second time, my fiancé and I have pulled my future sister-in-law off the pavement naked and drunk at 3 a.m. and couldn't find the purse or glasses she had with her. She’s hungover and has completely blacked out what happened. Never again giving her a place to crash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 569

You deserved it 201

'Murica

By Maryann - 08/02/2018 01:30

Today, I told my dad I started taking jiu-jitsu lessons. He responded by laughing and saying, "Martial arts are for pussies, you should just get a gun." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 274

You deserved it 623

By moudly - 06/01/2010 21:28 - United States

Today, my mom finally believed me when I said I smelled mold. I lifted up the couch, and it was covered in mold. So were the bottoms of all our furniture, our beds, and my grandma's vintage chair. We've been living in mold for the past 4 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 541

You deserved it 4 972

By SarahNB - 01/03/2014 21:09 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, after paying at the gas station, the cashier stuck out her hand, which was clenched into a fist. I thought she wanted a fist-bump, so I gave her one. She just stared back at me. Turns out she was just trying to give me my change. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 011

You deserved it 16 546

By crapcrapcrap - 14/03/2010 07:00 - United States

Today, I went on my first date with a guy I really like. He completely ignored me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 065

You deserved it 4 755

By moonlight77 - 11/01/2019 14:00

Today, I deliberately snapped a pic of myself and edited it to add to my story, in order to make my ex think I have a life on a Saturday night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 178

You deserved it 2 128

And I oop

By not drunk - 21/07/2020 08:01

Today, I was at a restaurant. I turned around looking for the restroom. I almost walked into the men’s room, then corrected myself and stumbled in the hallway looking for the ladies’. The employees thought I was drunk and kicked me out. I hadn’t had a single drink. I’m just clumsy as shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 412

You deserved it 223

By drycleanplz - 21/06/2011 02:33 - Reserved

Today, I wore my expensive new white jacket to work, thinking it would be a nice change from my usual black. I managed to lean in printer ink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 556

You deserved it 12 804

By gettingacat - 17/12/2009 14:32 - United States

Today, I set up a miniature nativity scene in my apartment. Three hours ago, my dog decided it would be a good idea to eat baby Jesus. Two hours ago, the vet laughed and said not to worry because I would 'have him back in time for Christmas'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 789

You deserved it 5 588

By lm - 20/05/2009 20:49 - Ireland

Today, my dad told me about how my mother had a bad dream last night and began to scream "Don't take me, take my children!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 588

You deserved it 3 974

By juliet - 06/04/2009 04:39 - Canada

Today, my theatre teacher made me go on stage even though I had a violent stomach flu. My understudies were unreachable, and she threatened to fail me if I did not perform. Halfway through the first act, I vomited on the first row. She failed me for letting the cast down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 133 002

You deserved it 6 278

By russianfail - 04/12/2013 16:24 - United States - Dallas

Today, I'm not getting paid 400$ per month because I failed my Russian language proficiency test. Russian is my first language. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 379

You deserved it 16 647

By Anonymous - 31/03/2013 20:34 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, what started as a fun family Easter egg hunt turned within minutes into my mother-in-law's big chance to be a dramatic cow by screaming at my 5 and 7-year-old daughters for participating in a "vile pagan ritual" and saying that we're all going to hell. They're still bawling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 796

You deserved it 2 629

By skyphoenix - 12/08/2010 09:03 - United States

Today, I went on a trip with some people from work to watch a baseball game. Halfway through the game, one of my managers shook my hand and said "Nice to Meet You." I've been working there for 3 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 177

You deserved it 4 513

By Anonymous - 23/01/2011 07:21 - United States

Today, I went to the hospital to visit my aunt and her newborn baby. The receptionist gave me the room number, and I went and my aunt was in the bathroom so I cuddle the baby, only to find that the woman who came out of the bathroom was a complete stranger. I was holding her baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 544

You deserved it 8 333

By Anonymous - 06/03/2012 19:54 - United States

Today, I thought I was home alone, so I started singing to my cat. After a half hour of this, I finally stopped. Then I heard applauding. I turned around to find my parents standing in my doorway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 601

You deserved it 22 406

By Wow - 05/07/2014 05:37 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was on the internet playing a game. I have a speech impediment, and the guy running it told me to get off his server for making fun of disabled people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 051

You deserved it 4 217

Unsanitary

By Anonymous - 01/06/2020 14:00

Spicy

Today, I demanded to know why my boyfriend takes so long in public toilets. He admitted his ex was such a nasty ho, she would drag him into public toilets whenever she wanted dick in public. So now every time he goes in one, he gets a boner and has to "get rid of it" before he can come out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 842

You deserved it 288

By Anonymous - 28/01/2011 19:55 - United States

Today, I accidentally said, "Bye, love you," to a co-worker as I clocked out. Before I made it home, I had six missed calls and a long text from my co-worker professing her love to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 856

You deserved it 13 936

By Nightmare - 15/01/2013 14:41

Today, my teenage son taught my five-year-old daughter how to fake her own death. I walked into the kitchen today to find her lying still on the floor, covered in ketchup. She laughed when I began to scream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 974

You deserved it 4 723

By mountains - 19/11/2012 00:47 - United States - Pembroke

Today, I awoke in the midst of the night to find my half-naked dad drunkenly arguing with the microwave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 959

You deserved it 1 806

Sex workers unite!

By not a fan - 07/04/2021 08:00 - United States

Spicy

Today I’ve been called a prude, a misogynist, a controlling bastard and worse all because I have a problem with my girlfriend masturbating for strangers online. She has an OnlyFans and I hate it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 520

You deserved it 342

By Moe - 23/01/2009 12:08 - United Kingdom

Today, I went back to my flat after a night on the town and staying at my girlfriend's. My flat was flooded. I had been sick in the sink and left the tap on all night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 314

You deserved it 24 740

By larsn - 03/06/2016 20:32 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I regret calling my hardass boss a cocksucking bastard when I quit a few months back. My new job just laid me off, and I could desperately use a good reference from the aforementioned cocksucking bastard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 863

You deserved it 20 061

By lalala - 22/12/2011 17:26 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I started undressing in front of my boyfriend. He politely said, "Excuse me, please" because I was blocking the T.V. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 924

You deserved it 7 944

By Anonymous - 21/07/2013 04:51 - United States - Aurora

Today, I went to see one of my favorite bands. They were having signings, but only the first one hundred could get one. When I finally got to the desk, they said I was number hundred and one, and to get lost. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 957

You deserved it 4 608

Cute trick, asshole

By newly single teetotaler - 23/10/2020 23:01

Today, the guy I've been seeing decided to "test the theory" that I can't drink alcohol due to a liver condition by mixing some into my drinks. He then complained that my ceaseless vomiting made his bathroom smell bad, and only took me to hospital when I started having a seizure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 921

You deserved it 304

By threw my underwear out too - 03/12/2017 00:00 - United States - Hyde Park

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I took a walk on the beach at night. We were completely alone, so she started blowing me. It was great for the first five minutes, but she had just eaten dinner and (apparently) wasn't feeling great. I ended the night in the shower picking vomit out of my pubes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 791

You deserved it 1 840

By angie24w - 07/08/2018 23:30

Today, I had no choice but to use a porta potty. I was happy to get a clean one. I wasn't happy when a young child tried opening the door and used enough force to break the lock, showing me sitting on the toilet to the world. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 739

You deserved it 172

By what people do for money - 18/07/2014 16:45 - United States - Houston

Today, I was helping out at my church. At lunchtime, a really cute guy my age walked over and told me I was pretty. I was flattered, until I turned around and saw his annoyed buddies handing him several dollar bills. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 723

You deserved it 4 419

By Ohgodmother - 28/02/2014 09:06 - Australia - Hobart

Today, in public, one of my mom's friends asked me how on earth did I get so tall, my mom happily scampered to my side and shrieked: 'TWO YEARS OF BREAST MILK'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 323

You deserved it 3 978

By Bassackward - 25/08/2016 05:53

Today, I decided to pop the question to my beloved. Perfect lighting, fresh cut roses, a fancy dinner. The restaurant was in on it too. Shame they brought out the wedding-themed congratulations dessert before I actually went down on my knee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 841

You deserved it 1 269

Don't get it

By Anonymous - 09/05/2015 19:17 - United States - Bristol

Today, my fiancée called off our wedding at the last moment, because her neurotic sister thinks she's "too fat" to be the maid of honor, and says she needs several months to lose weight. So that's a few thousand dollars wasted. My fiancée says I'm "overreacting" and that I "just don't get it". FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 129

You deserved it 3 319

By Anonymous - 09/03/2015 12:15 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I told my Dad I was an alcoholic and had decided to seek help. His reply, "Don't stop drinking, you are the life of the party, funny and beautiful when you drink." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 286

You deserved it 3 501

By Brinty - 24/10/2009 04:26 - Australia

Today, I found my brand new tropical fish dead in its tank because my boyfriend got drunk last night and decided to pour red wine into the aquarium. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 356

You deserved it 3 554

By Dani - 12/01/2010 21:51 - United States

Today, I locked my keys in my car and called AAA. He got out to take a look at my car, and he locked himself out of his own car with his tools inside. It took us 40 minutes with a screwdriver and stick to unlock his car and 40 seconds to unlock mine after. 9 hours later, I found my extra key. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 467

You deserved it 6 031

Mystery

By Death_Arc_Angel - 22/01/2021 09:09 - Trinidad and Tobago - Fyzabad

Spicy

Today, we're in the middle of a contagious deadly pandemic, and despite not having physical/sexual contact with anyone in over a year, I managed to contract herpes. I don't even know how I got it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 209

You deserved it 126

Metal Cat

By Anonymous - 08/02/2021 05:01

Today, my cat jumped on my chest while I was sleeping and head-butted my nose to show she loves me. It was hard enough to crack it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 630

You deserved it 83

By Anonymous - 08/08/2019 20:00 - United States

Today, my drunk sister threw up on me while I was sleeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 586

You deserved it 91

By swervelol - 14/07/2016 19:06

Today, as well as for the past two weeks, my brother has been making up songs about farts and singing them non-stop. He's 26. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 700

You deserved it 1 084

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Sunday 30 September 2012 9:36

Murphy's Law 101. You understand.

perdix 29

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Sunday 30 September 2012 10:04

When you file the insurance claim, tell them you got your friend an original Picasso, a gold ingot, unicorn semen and the secret recipe for Coke.

Comments

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Sunday 30 September 2012 9:36

It's all about fed ex!

htownpostman 16

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Sunday 30 September 2012 10:15

Yeah 3x the cost.. And FYI, depending on where its going, post office delivers fed ex mail

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Sunday 30 September 2012 10:18

I suppose we should trust you, since you are the post man.

htownpostman 16

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Sunday 30 September 2012 11:40

Just don't ask me to track her package!

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Sunday 30 September 2012 14:39

Yeah, the Ipod i bought came by fed ex.... They drove by my house to my post office 5 minutes away.....

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Sunday 30 September 2012 9:36

Murphy's Law 101. You understand.

NanillaVipples 2

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Sunday 30 September 2012 17:10

Thanks to you and google I learned something new today!

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Sunday 30 September 2012 9:37

The post office is really going down the shitter

onlychildFTW 33

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Sunday 30 September 2012 19:19

No one is perfect. The post office does pretty good considering how much they do ship out and stuff.

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Sunday 30 September 2012 9:40

Post office loses packages all the time. Should have mailed it through fed ex :p

htownpostman 16

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Sunday 30 September 2012 11:41

See response to #1

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Sunday 30 September 2012 9:42

Send the post office a bomb with a note attached saying, 'next time don't loose my damn package'.

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Sunday 30 September 2012 10:06

Not even funny and it's "lose"

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Sunday 30 September 2012 10:10

And then get arrested. Solid plan!

PeteyPablo12308 20

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Sunday 30 September 2012 12:29

What? Arrested?

onlychildFTW 33

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Sunday 30 September 2012 19:20

Why would OP get arrested for shipping a box through federal express? I don't think it's illegal to do that.

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Sunday 30 September 2012 20:09

Sigh. My comment posted on the wrong thread. There was a comment when this FML was first posted that said something about a bomb threat to the post office; looks like it was removed and my comment got screwed up.

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Sunday 30 September 2012 9:49

That sucks, OP, I'm sorry that happened. I'm sure she'll understand though, since she's your best friend. Maybe you can send her a 5 or 10 dollar gift card for coffee or something- "I'm sorry your gift got lost, want some coffee while they try to find it?" I like your name, though. Murphy's Law indeed.

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Sunday 30 September 2012 9:53

Does this best friend live on the same city as you do? If so, you ought to have just hand delivered it, and get an awesome birthday cake tasting. But if not, you ought to have known Murphy's law. Oops, didn't see above comments

perdix 29

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Sunday 30 September 2012 10:04

When you file the insurance claim, tell them you got your friend an original Picasso, a gold ingot, unicorn semen and the secret recipe for Coke.

herpderpherpderp 13

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Sunday 30 September 2012 12:03

perdix- completely off topic, but on an old, random FML, you said you would marry snickerdoodles when she's old enough. Well...

perdix 29

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Sunday 30 September 2012 12:46

She quit FML, so that ruined it for me. We also had a big philosophical disagreement. She said she was bisexual, yet wanted to get married to a man and be faithful to him. To me, that didn't add up.

herpderpherpderp 13

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Sunday 30 September 2012 13:21

she sounds complicated.

GovernorGeneral 8

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Sunday 30 September 2012 15:39

You could marry me instead :'D

perdix 29

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Sunday 30 September 2012 16:57

#38, Sure, OK, just combine your pic with my logo and I can imagine what kind of beautiful babies we'll produce.

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Sunday 30 September 2012 10:06

if they lost the parcel , simply go to the post office And......shoot everything and averyome in sight!!!!, I need help

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Sunday 30 September 2012 10:09

well that sucks

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Sunday 30 September 2012 16:12

They should really make a button that expresses that... OH WAIT

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 0

You deserved it 0

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 0

You deserved it 0

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 169

You deserved it 24

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 106

You deserved it 274