Today, I was on my motorbike, riding through town, when a bird...

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Today, my family got mad at me for eloping and not inviting them to my wedding. Even though they admitted they wouldn't have gone anyway. FML

By BlueSteele220 - 22/3/2016 08:57 - United States - Coppell

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1914

Today, I missed my flight because I was held in airport security because I'd "threatened" an employee. He had confiscated my eyelash curler and jokingly I asked if he thought I was going to curl him to death. He didn't laugh. FML

By missy - 16/6/2011 02:42 - United States

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Today, I fell asleep on the couch and woke up to find that I had slept through my house getting robbed. FML

By BedazzledAlpaca - 8/12/2014 05:03 - United States - Englewood

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Today, my sister-in-law asked why I wasn't out partying with my friends to celebrate the new year. My mom then asked "What friends?". Ah, the new year begins. FML

By nobffs - 1/1/2010 06:10 - United States

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Today, the babysitter not only clogged the toilet, they tried to unclog it with our vacuum cleaner hose. FML

By somebody - 1/6/2015 03:37 - United States

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Today, I was so bored with my job at McDonald's that I actually hoped someone would come in and make a huge mess for me to clean. No one did. FML

By Ophelia - 22/11/2012 05:44 - United States - Albuquerque

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Today, I was in a public toilet. I looked down and realised someone in the stall next to me was peeing on my foot underneath the divider. They didn't even attempt to aim for the toilet bowl. FML

By Anonymoose - 19/8/2016 20:06

14610

974

Today, I'm on spring break on a tropical island, visiting family I hadn't seen in years. They invited me out to eat, and won't take no for an answer. All of this would be wonderful, if it weren't for the fact that I've been vomiting to the point of expelling bile and dry heaving for the last two days. FML

By FunFun in the Sun - 16/3/2016 14:51 - Dominican Republic - Santo Domingo

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Today, for the first time in a month, I talked to someone in person besides my grandmother and my husband. It was a store clerk calling me "Miss" and asking if I was finding everything okay. FML

By piper55 - 10/5/2019 14:00

1454

236

Today, I asked my niece to house-sit because she acts very mature and sensible while her brother is an idle slob. Turns out the idle slob nephew is the mature one while the sensible niece actually likes to throw house parties. I found a used condom stuck to my ceiling. FML

By Anonymous - 4/11/2018 22:00

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883

Today, I found that my cats somehow managed to pull the plug of my fridge out of the socket. Several days ago. Now I have to get rid of a ton of stinking food and clean the stinking fridge. FML

By Alexander - 30/5/2010 16:53 - Russian Federation

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7308

Today, at work, I had a customer accuse me of taking the giftcard I had issued her for her return, after spending 15 minutes trying to fix her screwed up transaction. She began to yell, and follow me around the store. Security had to intervene and I had to be locked in an office until she left. FML

By KatieElizabeth - 27/10/2013 04:57 - United States - San Francisco

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Today, I went on a third date with a guy, hoping that maybe finally I would get some physical interaction. I did. I got a high five. FML

By Sl3vin - 19/1/2010 14:17 - United States

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Today, my neighbors put up their Christmas lights. They blink red and green on and off. Ever since they put them up, my dog hasn't stopped barking. It's 2:00AM. FML

By Annonymous - 17/12/2010 02:28

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Today, my daughter ran up to me and gave me a cup. She said it was lemonade that she made with her friend. When I took a sip, she giggled and ran back to her room. It was not lemonade. FML

By anonymous - 1/2/2020 20:00 - United States - Shawnee

Especially for dad

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351

Today, I bought my mother an expensive TV she had been looking at. After I bought it, she continued browsing for more stuff. I told her I couldn't afford the extra items. She got mad and called me "selfish". FML

By SwingingGallows - 15/7/2016 15:43

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Today, I learned that in Japan there are monkeys that wait tables and work at a tavern. Literally, I have a job a monkey can do. FML

By slickboy0023 - 16/3/2010 15:30 - United States

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Today, while riding the subway, I fell asleep. I awoke to find that someone had stolen my glasses. From off my face. FML

By Anonymous - 24/11/2013 23:19 - Canada - Surrey

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Today, I found one of those online color blindness tests where you have to distinguish a colored number from the pattern. Not being able to, I spent hundreds of dollars on medical tests to discover that the pattern online was a joke. FML

By colorblind - 5/7/2009 21:49 - United States

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Today, my brother let me fly his two day old, expensive drone. Within a minute I had crashed it into a potato field. Four hours of searching and we still haven't found it. FML

By oh great - 9/8/2015 15:23 - United Kingdom - Doncaster

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Today, just as I was about to orgasm, my boyfriend whispered, "Cum, my preciousssss" into my ear, in his scarily accurate Gollum voice. I think my clitoris just about withered away in despair. FML

By thanks, fuckface - 16/11/2012 19:42 - United States - Parachute

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Today, I got fired from my job as a seafood manager because an entire wedding group came in and started yelling at me, saying the shrimp was horrible and I ruined their wedding. They showed me the leftovers; they never cooked them. They fed raw shrimp at a wedding dinner party. FML

By Gross - 21/7/2013 23:20 - United States - Houston

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Today, my friend thought it would be funny to change the language setting on my phone to Mandarin. Unfortunately, neither of us knows Mandarin, and we can't change it back to English. FML

By damniphone - 29/6/2013 05:31 - Canada - Edmonton

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Today, my wife made up her own theme song for when she pees in the shower. FML

By weave9z - 4/9/2012 02:08 - Canada - Montreal

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Today, I found out that someone left an open sharpie pen in the dryer. It left pen marks on everything inside of the dryer. Not just one or two pen marks, but nearly 1,000 on each article of clothing. FML

By Anonymous - 17/5/2019 12:18

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153

Today, I went outside a friend's house to find that my car had been saran wrapped. I cleaned it up and went back inside the house. An hour later, I heard a doorbell ring so I went outside the house. They saran wrapped my car again. FML

By bear92 - 19/6/2009 04:25 - United States

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Today, I realized that the girl I like only replies to my snapchats if I include my dog in the picture. FML

By fucking hate bitches - 24/12/2016 21:27

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Today, a girl I've been talking to online for a while asked me if I wanted to meet her in person. Two hours of driving later, I end up at her house. When she opened the door, she screamed and called the cops on me. While detained, she called my phone asking why I never showed up today. FML

By GDBeast - 9/1/2013 23:55 - United States

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Today, after being stood up at a diner, I called the girl who was supposed to have met me. Turns out, she thought I was kidding when I asked her out. FML

By Anonymous - 24/9/2013 05:16

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Today, I bought lunch for my grandparents, aunts, and uncles. My uncle apparently felt uncomfortable at the restaurant, because he got up and flipped the table over before leaving. The bill tripled because of the broken glass, and my uncle called me up later for a ride. FML

By AsshatUncle - 30/11/2015 02:47 - United States - Tampa

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Today, my boyfriend broke up with me through Skype, with the message "my penis wants more, but my heart and mind don't want to hurt you." FML

By justsingle - 11/5/2010 08:56 - Philippines

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Today, I discovered that my family routinely waits until after my bedtime to order a pepperoni pizza, my favorite food. If that wasn't bad enough, I'm 17 and still have a strictly enforced bedtime. FML

By chocobo - 11/7/2018 01:30

Supreme Betrayal

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Today, I farted in front of my husband for the first time in 26 years. He told our kids over email, and now they won't shut up about it. FML

By lol - 5/12/2011 06:13 - United States

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Today, I was let go from work because they need "younger people". I'm 19 and I work at a flower market. FML

By Anonymous - 21/2/2014 07:02

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Today, my bike got stolen because I left my keys in the lock. On my way home, I saw my bike in front of a store, unlocked. I jumped on it, only to get punched in the face by the guy that had taken it, and got it stolen from me again. FML

By dullstuff - 21/7/2011 12:34 - Belgium

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Today, my sister called after she found out I was hospitalized with surgery complications. Worried about me? Wondering if I'm okay? Nope. Just mad that I texted her an update rather than calling. I didn't call because I had surgery on my throat and can't speak. FML

By nothealthy - 29/3/2016 04:51 - United States - Minneapolis

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Today, after months of trying to train my cockatiel to perch on my finger, he finally trusted me enough to fly from his cage and land on my hand. I panicked and accidentally backhanded him across the room. FML

By parasheeeet - 13/1/2016 17:05 - United States - Birmingham

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Today, I jokingly told my mom that I was having sex with my Professor. Her response was, "As long as you're getting A's, honey!" FML

By acincollege - 21/2/2009 05:36 - United States

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Today, I announced my pregnancy to my boss. I was expecting all sorts of reactions, except, "But... Erm... How did that happen?" FML

By Anonymous - 2/4/2020 02:00

How d'you think?

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