Health: Today, I was on my motorbike, riding through town, when a bird...

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Today, while at the beach, my little brother's hat blew off. I chased after it before I completely lost sight and realized I was no match for the wind. I get back and he's wearing the hat. I chased a fucking trash bag for a mile thinking it was his hat. FML

By justhereforlaughs - United States

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Today, I was talking to my mom lamenting the fact that none of my few relationships seem to last longer than 2 months. She asked why and I said, "because I'm paranoid, obsessive compulsive, judgmental, defensive, and stubborn." Instead of encouraging me, she said, "Well, at least you're honest." FML

By lonely - United States

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Today, after my 22-year-old son realized that there was no more contact solution, he decided to use tequila because he thought it would "kill the germs." We had to go to the hospital to have his eyes flushed out. I raised this moron. FML

By WTF

It burns

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Today, my girlfriend and I were going at it doggy style, really fast, when she started laughing. I asked her what was so amusing and she giggled, "I can't feel anything in there." FML

By Anonymous - United States - Beaumont

Feelings

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Today, I witnessed my husband swat a coffee bean over and over again, all the while mistaking it for a fly. I then figured he probably has a lower IQ than I do, which wouldn't be so bad if mine wasn't a few points away from minor retardation. FML

By sheilob - Australia - Camden

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Today, I was walking back to my home in the city in the dark. I'm paranoid, so when I saw movement behind me I clutched my mace. The faster I walked, the closer the person seemed to be. I spun around and sprayed my attacker with mace. It was my shadow and the wind blew the mace back into eyes. FML

By Eyesore - United States

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Today, a package was delivered to my house, addressed to me, clearly marked "sexual health products". Inside were condoms, birth control pills, and an invoice made out to me. My parents went ballistic and grounded me. Whoever staged this "hilarious" prank: well played, asshole. FML

By Anonymous - Iceland - Akureyri

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Today, I discovered my boyfriend prays before and after sex, because he thinks he'll keep his abstinence by doing so. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, I, a man in his 40s, had to be taken to the hospital because I was laughing so hard at an old Disney movie that my diaphragm went into spasms. I stopped breathing and passed out for a few minutes and my son had to call an ambulance. FML

By Anonymous

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Today, I learned what my office nickname means. My nickname? Butterface. FML

By Anonymous

How nice of them.

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Today, my sister promised to wake me up at 8 for my 9:30 class. She woke me at noon, and only because I was snoring. FML

By Anonymous - 22/2/2021 14:02

Alarmed

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Today, my son gave me a bottle of shampoo for my birthday. I'm as bald as a coot. FML

By Bald - Turkey - Istanbul

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Today, during the worst flu we've ever had, my wife and I have to go out into thirty-below weather to get firewood because the furnace broke down. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Anchorage

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Today, my looks alone made a girl cry. FML

By SadFace - United States

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Today, my 4 year old son thought it was funny to put money in the shredder. He stuck over 500 dollars in it. FML

By Maxwell - France

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Today, my boss rang me for the 5th time on my day off. Frustrated I pushed 'ignore' and yelled a string of obscenities at my phone. Turns out I pushed 'talk'. FML

By Anonymous - New Zealand

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Today, I went to the doctor to get my swollen lymph nodes checked. As it turns out, they aren't swollen. I'm just fat. FML

By Sam

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Today, my 97-pound pitbull wagged and chased his tail while I was being mugged. FML

By ZAnon - United States - Houston

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Today, I went to my girlfriend's apartment, but it was empty. I went to her parents' house, it was empty as well. She isn’t responding to my messages, so I guess I got ghosted in real life and online. FML

By Anonymous - 19/5/2021 00:01

Skipped town

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Today, while in class, I was called down to the office. The principal showed me a video of 2 guys fighting in the school parking lot. I'm accused of being one of those guys. I'm a girl. FML

By mayerstexmex69 - Canada - Hamilton

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Today, I put my car in the garage last night so it wouldn't get damaged by a huge thunderstorm. Golf clubs fell on it while it was stowed away. FML

By Anonymous - 22/7/2020 02:02

What's your damage?

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Today, my mother told me to take a quick shower. When I got out, she told me I took too long, and now I have to pay the utilities bill. My shower was two minutes long. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Ithaca

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Today, I got banned on Club Penguin because I said "shit" while I was in a fight with another penguin about whose igloo is cooler. Shouldn't I have better things to do on a Friday night? FML

By courtbabbbby - United States

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Today, I went to the bowling alley. I have short, stubby fingers, and as I looked for a bowling ball that would fit my hand properly, an old man watched me searching, and approached asking, "Is that how you are with women? Fingering them, tossing them in the gutter, and looking for another?" FML

By weldingmachine217 - United States - Blanchard

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Today, my mother asked me if she could borrow $200. Being the lovely daughter I am, I gave her my bank card to withdraw it herself. She gambled it away and maxed my bank account out. I had $1500 saved. FML

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

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Today, I was at the mall shoplifting when a girl who looked my age pointed to a shirt I had in my bag. "Stole that, huh?" she asked smiling. She looked pretty cool, so I nodded and asked if she stole the jeans she was wearing, which were from the store. Turns out she didn't, she's the manager. FML

By blovesg - United States

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Today, at the end of a night of heavy drinking, I decided it was a good idea to go off into the park with a friend of mine. We ended up fooling around in the park, when a couple of kids stole our clothes. We had to walk back to town with no clothes on. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, my car fob died on me when I was going to get donations because my house burnt down two days ago, FML

By "Keira McArthur"

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Today, I was snuggled in bed with my husband. He thought because my butt was twitching that I was trying to be frisky. So he slapped my ass hard in attempt to get something going. I was actually trying to hold in a huge fart because last night I had diarrhea. Apparently I still have it. FML

By Lovergirl - United States

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Today, I was crocheting while watching television, and thinking to myself how proud I was that I taught myself to crochet. Then, an episode of Golden Girls came on, and I watched that while I crocheted. I'm 24. FML

By Anonymous - United States

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Today, I have a doctor’s note confirming that I'm high risk for Covid and should only work from home. My boss still demands I come to the office, even though the only person I meet there is the guy who sterilizes the door handles. FML

By Anonymous - 26/12/2020 10:58

Big boss man

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Today, at an elementary school a girl showed me her grandma's obituary in the paper and started crying. To stop her from crying I made things out of the rest of the paper, later she asked me where her grandma's obituary was. I accidentally made it into a hat, with lots of tape. FML

By thechad_144 - United States

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Today, I told my boyfriend I wanted him to be a little more masculine and dominant in the bedroom. He broke up with me because I'm not "feminist enough". FML

By Anonymous

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Today, I heard that my ex-girlfriend was spreading scurrilous rumours about me all over our university. It appears that I distribute white supremacist propaganda, and that my sexual fantasies involve animals and vegetation. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

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Today, while I was standing in line at the store, some guy insulted the girl in front of me as he walked past. She turned around and socked me in the face. FML

By Marc - United States

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Today, for some reason that is unknown to me, I accidentally referred to my girlfriend as "my ex-girlfriend." To her face. Needless to say, my statement became true afterwards. FML

By bg4545 - United States - Whittier

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Today, my family decided to break tradition and wake up at midnight to open presents. I didn't find out until I went downstairs to get a glass of water in the middle of the night, and found wrapping paper and empty boxes everywhere. FML

By imahater07

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Today, I went on a date. I didn’t want to go to his house, but we all have needs. I told him I should leave because I needed my medication in the morning. Passed out. Woke up, had a seizure, then made him go to my apartment to get my meds. This was a first date. FML

By Anonymous - 23/4/2021 08:08

Great first date

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Today, my boss bitched me out for a customer complaint. The complaint was me not laughing at the customer's joke of me asking for his ID and him saying no. I'm sorry, I've been getting this joke a least twice a day since I started working here two years ago. FML

By Sorry Not Sorry

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