Today, I was moving into my new apartment. I moved in a couple...

By Billz - 10/4/2019 00:00

Today, I was moving into my new apartment. I moved in a couple of bags and realized I really needed to poop. It’s been 10 minutes since I realized I hadn’t brought the toilet paper in yet. No one to bring me any. FML

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Hello everyone!

Trust

Great speech, thanks!

By Anonymous - 1/3/2011 16:21 - United States

Today, me and my girlfriend were getting at it, and then my parents came home. I heard them and we scrambled to get our clothes on. My dad came into the room and found me wearing her pants inside out with her thong around my legs. FML

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By flyakite29 - 20/7/2009 16:36 - United States

Today, my girlfriend came home and announced that she'd just bought a $40 pair of flipflops. She then declared that I wouldn't be getting a birthday gift this year due to budget shortfalls. For hers a month prior, I'd got her a $300 piece of jewelry. FML

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By IvyLeague? - 15/1/2013 02:52 - United States - Buffalo

Today, I was babysitting, and a little girl asked for help with her homework. I cheerfully began an explanation, only to freeze mid-sentence. I could not for the life of me remember how to do long-division. I'm about to graduate from Cornell University, and her little brother had to correct me. FML

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By TasedAndDazed - 9/10/2009 15:05 - United States

Today, I snuck into my boyfriend's house because I knew his parents wouldn't be there. Later, I woke up in a hospital bed because his sister thought I was a burglar and tased me. FML

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By vikinggirl - 13/9/2010 09:14 - Australia

Today, I asked my boyfriend what he would do if I were to get pregnant. Expecting him to give me a cute and supportive answer, he replied, "We'd be finding you a nice flight of stairs to accidentally fall down." FML

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By dating walter white's gf apparently - 6/4/2013 19:13 - United Kingdom

Today, while going down on my girlfriend, I finally managed to give her an orgasm. During that orgasm, she tore out a clump of my hair, causing me to scream in pain. She scowled and said, "Ah shut it, ya little bitch." FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2016 12:06

Today, my sister, who has "borrowed" almost nine hundred dollars from me over the last few months, told me I was pathetic for not having my driver's license yet and that I "wasn't normal". I was saving that money for my driving lessons. FML

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By Xandriajoy10 - 8/3/2016 11:56 - Australia

Today, a fly flew into my ear canal and got stuck. It was the most horrifying 2 minutes of my life. FML

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By dentistftw - 8/8/2009 04:06 - United States

Today, was my 22nd birthday. The only person who remembered was the dentist who sent me a postcard in the mail. I stopped going to him four years ago. FML

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By unknown relationship - 28/6/2013 05:23 - United States - Shorewood

Today, after working at my job for months, I quit. Why? My boss tried to convince me that we are in a secret relationship after he told me he loved me. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2010 17:31 - United States

Today, I camped outside of a Best Buy to guarantee I'd get a cheap Blu Ray player. My friend who got there five minutes after they opened also managed to get one. FML

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By dang. - 20/8/2019 06:03

Today, I figured out the bank account my mom set up for me is actually a joint account, and she gets half the money I deposit. I have been putting money in there for 10 years. FML

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By uncbballwins - 27/4/2011 04:21

Today, after shopping alone at a grocery store, I was taking my groceries back to my car when a kid grabbed one of my bags and ran. Deciding not to risk leaving the rest of my groceries stranded, I didn't chase him. Later, I realized that was the bag my credit card was in. FML

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By ginger - 19/8/2011 10:38 - New Zealand

Today, I got dumped by my boyfriend because he is tired of everyone giving him shit about my ginger hair. FML

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By ihatebeingacashier - 11/7/2016 21:06

Today, I handed a middle-aged woman her change of $0.75 with three quarters. She looked at the change bewildered and threw the coins down, asking if she thought I could get away with only giving her thirty cents. I had to explain to her how much a quarter is worth. FML

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By masterdisaster - 11/4/2009 04:07 - United States

Today, one of our regular customers came in and was telling me he bought an assault rifle. I told him not to go off his meds and shoot up the store, as a joke. Later, my manager told me that the guy is on antidepressants and was discharged from the military for being "mentally unfit." FML

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By MeAgainDr... - 13/11/2015 05:24 - Australia - South Perth

Today, I finally got to a point where I could ask my mother about how enthusiastically she used to beat me. First sentence out of her mouth was, "It didn't change your behaviour, but it did make me feel better." FML

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By WellThere'sThat - 26/11/2017 15:00

Today, I got a big math test back. Good news: I can connect abstract ideas beyond what was taught. Bad news: I can’t do simple math, such as 30/-5. I failed. FML

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By joshualover - 23/9/2010 02:29 - United States

Today, I was driving through my neighborhood when I heard a siren. I looked into my rear view mirror and saw a motorcycle, so I pulled over. The motorcycle drove by, and it turned out to be an old lady with a leather jacket. The siren was in a song on the radio. FML

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By don't pray, PAY - 23/3/2017 20:00

Today, I attended a Buddhist prayer service for my religion and philosophy course. When the service was over, everyone stood up. Unfortunately, my legs and feet had fallen asleep so much that I lost balance and tackled a monk into the shrine. I'm expected to pay for injuries and damages. FML

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By Fred - 5/8/2011 05:45 - Japan

Today, I went into a crowded store and tried out a blazer. I was thinking to myself how hot I looked in it when the manager tapped me on the shoulder and politely said, "Excuse me sir, that's a ladies' blazer." FML

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By Bedrest Blues - 24/12/2017 15:00

Today, my boyfriend told me that we can’t be together because I’m not the person he fell in love with since I don’t do anything all day. I’m 6 months pregnant and on bed rest. FML

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By RIPmyhair - 20/12/2018 20:00

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex when he asked if it was okay to finish on my back. Not only did he do that but he also got it on my neck, the side of my face, and my hair which I'd just gotten done at the salon for almost $200 and can't wash for 2 days. FML.

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By needs_another_loan - 2/10/2009 01:43 - United States

Today, while I was at work, my wife discovered you cannot put out a grease fire with water. I came home to a frantic spouse, a fire department bill, and a newly destroyed kitchen. FML

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By notsohot - 25/8/2019 00:01

Today, I showed up at my boyfriend's house with nothing under my coat but some sexy lingerie. He told me he was working on an assignment, and made me wait three hours before he'd have sex with me. FML

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By selfishsexysanta - 24/12/2012 18:06 - United States

Today, I gave my husband an early Christmas present: Santa-themed lingerie. He got angry and called me selfish, for "using" him as an excuse to get myself nice stuff. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2015 03:31 - United States

Today, my college charged me for tuition for next semester. I graduated 2 years ago. I have a degree from a place too stupid to only charge current students. FML

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By Lilly - 2/10/2013 12:43 - United States - Conway

Today, I was on a dinner date with a guy I really like. I guess I was on my phone too much because halfway through the date he sent me a text saying how much my half of the bill would be. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/10/2009 15:53 - United States

Today, I locked my keys in my car. My spare keys are 45 minutes away in my dorm room. My dorm room keys are attached to my car keys locked in my car. Security said they would let me in as long as I had my school ID. It's on my keychain. FML

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By Shropintz - 23/2/2011 00:27 - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I wanted to move out. Excited, thinking he wanted us to move out from his mom's house, I said, "Yeah! Just you and me?" to which he smirked and replied, "No, just you." FML

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By razgriz1 - 20/8/2009 05:45 - United States

Today, I took a cute girl out to an arcade date, and mercilessly dominated her in every game there, to the point she refused to talk to me afterwards. Gamer Pride: 1 - Getting Laid: 0. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2009 20:51 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my best guy friend, who I have loved for years. I was talking about school and all of a sudden he said "I love you." I flipped out saying "Oh my god, oh my god. I love you, too!" He responded with "what?" He was talking to his mom, who was walking out the door. FML

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By notgoodwitholdpeople - 23/5/2014 16:00 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, an old lady fell in the street, and I rushed to help her. As I tried to help her to her feet, she started screaming, "She pushed me! She pushed me!" I froze up in shock, and ended up being chased by some guy who thought I'd attacked her. FML

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By lovehaterelationship - 10/3/2014 18:43 - Austria - Graz

Today, I had to study for an important test but I could barely focus because my roommate had his music blasting at full volume. Since we get along well, I decided to put up with it. I just found out he forgot to turn it off and left over 6 hours ago. FML

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By thatgirl247 - 11/9/2009 17:05 - United States

Today, I decided to check out my school's quarterback's Twitter, since we have a class together. He wrote, "Dear girl in front of me, I thought you were pretty until you turned around." It was funny, until I realized the timestamp was when we have class together, and I sit in front of him. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2013 16:09 - Netherlands

Today, I had a big party planned. All but one of the guests cancelled. See you at 7, mom. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2010 23:51 - United States

Today, I started college after a night out. I'd got tipsy at the club and started dancing with a cute guy. He asked for my number. I didn't want to give it to him, so I gave him a rejection number. Guess who's the new professor for my bio class? And yes, he recognized me. FML

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By super maman - 30/9/2014 03:08 - France - Montauban

Today, in a supermarket, my four-year-old son whispered to me, asking if the checkout lady was able to wash between her fat rolls. She heard. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2013 19:28 - United States - Winston Salem

Today, I took my driving test. As I was about to turn at a green light, a car sped toward us from the other direction, running a red light. My instructor failed me because I stopped to avoid getting rammed. Apparently I should have kept going, because it was my right of way. FML

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By Lifeless - 15/8/2010 08:42 - United States

Today, I put on makeup for a picture. My Facebook profile picture. That's how much of a life I actually have. FML

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Top comments

By NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#7791745 - Wednesday 10 April 2019 0:05

Pull up your trousers, exit the bathroom, get a roll of toilet paper along with a fresh pair of undergarments, wipe yourself, change your underwear, and then do laundry.

By bl3ur0z3 | 17

#7791759 - Wednesday 10 April 2019 1:29

Take off your underwear, wipe your ass, and throw your underwear in the laundry

COMMENTS

By NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#7791745 - Wednesday 10 April 2019 0:05

Pull up your trousers, exit the bathroom, get a roll of toilet paper along with a fresh pair of undergarments, wipe yourself, change your underwear, and then do laundry.

EmDizzle2007 | 28

#7791761 - Wednesday 10 April 2019 1:58

you'd think it'd be obvious... but no.

By mixedupminx | 8

#7791755 - Wednesday 10 April 2019 0:37

You know that they use their hand to wipe in some cultures? The more you know

By bl3ur0z3 | 17

#7791759 - Wednesday 10 April 2019 1:29

Take off your underwear, wipe your ass, and throw your underwear in the laundry

dasin | 15

#7792410 - Thursday 11 April 2019 20:40

i would not add thwm back into rotation

ThrottleJockey | 34

#7792496 - Friday 12 April 2019 5:17

Around here we call that Griswolding.

Akitakat | 31

#7792843 - Saturday 13 April 2019 9:02

The shitter’s full...

By RichardPencil | 28

#7791780 - Wednesday 10 April 2019 4:55

Hope for a flawless victory!

By davidfong | 14

#7791855 - Wednesday 10 April 2019 11:49

You may have to sacrifice the pair of underwear. This has happened to me I have about 10 rolls of tp in my bathroom at all times. You can never have to much tp.

By Tien Ngo | 3

#7791858 - Wednesday 10 April 2019 12:06

Don't you have a shower you can use?

By Akitakat | 31

#7791913 - Wednesday 10 April 2019 15:33

Water is your friend.

By Nic1330 | 4

#7791957 - Wednesday 10 April 2019 18:03

shit happens 😂😂😂 but seriously at least nobody else was there so technically you dont have to explain yourself

By Mooglefox | 23

#7792059 - Wednesday 10 April 2019 22:15

Always make sure the first thing you bring into a new place is the toilet paper

By Hejira Hayes | 8

#7792559 - Friday 12 April 2019 10:59

You got your phone, don't ya?

Now, the tricky part is that it has to be all three seashells. Locate the top corner that doesn't have a camera on it...