Today, I was moving into my new apartment. I moved in a couple...

By Billz

Today, I was moving into my new apartment. I moved in a couple of bags and realized I really needed to poop. It’s been 10 minutes since I realized I hadn’t brought the toilet paper in yet. No one to bring me any. FML

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BO Central

Triage

Coherence dude, do you have it?

By Dannikins - 5/11/2020 01:01 - United States - San Antonio

Don't hate the playa…

Today, the guy I've been looking forward going on a date with had to cancel due to Covid. This wouldn't have been an issue, if I didn't see him later that night posting about him at a bar with another girl. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Monterey

Today, my grandmother made a rule that every time we take a crap, she has to examine the turds to make sure they aren't big enough to clog up the pipes. I don't know what's worse: that she looks at my turds, or the fact that she actively comments on them. FML

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By JN5SLK - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I walked into my dorm room, only to witness my roommate shaving her vag over my trashcan. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I noticed a woman struggling to work a parking meter, so I went over to help. She took one look at me before screaming, hitting me in the face, and running back to her car. FML

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By boredtothemax - United States - Hammond

Today, I gave a talk in my management class about creating effective presentations and holding people's attention. Go figure, pretty much nobody paid any attention. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on a date with my new boyfriend. When the check came, he asked, "Do you accept food stamps?" When the waiter said no, he checked in his wallet and said, "Well all I have is five dollars." I ended up picking up the $20 tab. FML

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By black and yellow - United States - Salinas

Today, I went to see my new dentist. He was really cute, so after the checkup I started flirting. He stopped me right after I asked him out, saying, "Being a dentist has its advantages, I can see the girl's mouth before I stick my tongue in it. And in your case, it's a big no." FML

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By lovecrisis247 - United States

Today, my parents finally invited my boyfriend over for dinner. Everything was going great until my mother asked him his profession. He stuffed his mouth full of lasagna, snorted, and then responded, "I clean shit for a living." FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2020 08:08

Zoomers zooming

Today, I was blowing my husband when we heard that distinctive shutter noise, and we realised our daughter had taken a photo of us. Apparently, she meant to take a video because she knows a website where any kind of "spying on people having sex" video will earn her $50. FML

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By BOHICA123 - United States - Brighton

Today, being so desperate for money, I accepted a job in which I get shot at with paintballs for 6 hours. FML

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By yonanon - United States - Chesapeake

Today, I found out that if a guy you've been dating starts acting weird, there's probably a reason why. Like, perhaps, a wife and two kids. FML

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By all puked out - Netherlands

Today, I saw a drunk woman drop her purse in the street. I picked it up and went to give it to her, only for her to scream at me for being a thief. Then she started crying, apologized and hugged me, then got angry again, and finally threw up on me. FML

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By Melinie - United States

Today, I found an empty parking space in a crowded parking lot. When I came back later, a lady and a cop were standing by my car. Her car used to be parked there and got stolen. They think I'm involved. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Washington

Today, while using the restroom at my favorite cafe, I fell asleep for 30 minutes. There is nothing more jarring than waking up to the banging of 7 angry, urine-filled patrons viciously breaking down the only barrier between between you and your shame. FML

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By catwoman - Australia

Today, I learned why my bathroom has a horrible, seemingly irremovable stench. My cat doesn't squat to pee like a normal cat. She stands up, peeing over the side of the litter tray all over the wall and floor, which are now a permanent yellow tinge. FML

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By wantmeasandwich - India - Mumbai

Today, I stayed over at my boyfriend's house for the first time. He soon found out about my sleep-talking habit. I started ranting about "electron shaming" and I apparently passionately support their "sub-atomic lifestyle". Yes, he managed to get it on video. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2020 14:03

Hairy situation

Today, after taking hair growth pills and using hair growth medicated shampoos, I have not seen any different in my thinning hair. Can't say the same about the hair sprouting on my knuckles, chin, and toes. My pubes are very thick, silky, and luscious thanks to the treatment. I'm a woman. FML

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By Queenie

Today, my work's annual Christmas party is at 3:00. Everyone in the office is off work at 2:00, except me and the boss who is staying 'til 4:00. I have been informed the boss is leaving early today to attend the Christmas party, but I need to lock up when I leave at 4:00. FML

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By ugly - United States

Today, I was taking the subway to school. I was applying some makeup when I noticed a little boy watching me. When I was finished I heard him whisper to his mom, "I thought make up was supposed to make you pretty." FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my parents told me off for reading, as opposed to watching TV like the rest of the family, because it was "anti-social". FML

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By Anonymous - Belgium

Today, in a rush to get out of my house to go to a doctor's appointment, I closed the door behind me without having my house or car keys on me. Sadly, it took me less than a minute to break into my own house. FML

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By Depressed - 14/7/2020 20:01

All for nothing

Today, due to some highly corrupted data that I had nothing to do with and no control over, around 5 years of pixel art I'd made, and spent most of my free time working on, has been permanently deleted, and there is no way to recover it. FML

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By eun - Canada

Today, at lunch I was running to my group's table with my friend. She accidentally tripped me, and I slid across the café floor face first on my belly. The whole cafeteria was silent. They then broke out in hysterics when the head janitor ran up to me and yelled 'SAFE!' like a baseball umpire. FML

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By notsogood - United States

Snoozefest

Today, during sex, my girlfriend got so bored that she asked me to tell her a story. FML

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By Good sister - United States

Today, my brother in law got into a fight with my husband. My pregnant sister was yelling at her husband to stop beating my husband up. When I came into the room, I asked why they were fighting. You'll never guess who the real father of my sister's baby is. FML

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By 12345678 - United States

Today, I logged onto Facebook and saw that I had a message from my ex boyfriend. It's only been two weeks since we broke up and I assumed he sent me a message begging for me to take him back. He wanted to apologize for sleeping with my sister last night. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, let's just say it's not a good sign when your plumber yells "What the fuck?!" That is, unless you actually like your kitchen being swamped by sewage. FML

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By calgarygal

Today, I found out the little blue thing that my roommate has been sterilizing by boiling in our shared coffee maker, is a menstrual cup. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went to get a tattoo of my girlfriend's name to surprise her. Halfway through the tattooing, she called and broke up with me. FML

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By dire-rear - Singapore

Today, I was stuck on the toilet with a huge stomachache after eating bad food the day before. I got up to flush when I noticed that there was a cockroach struggling feebly in the pile of crap. I'll never know if it got there before or after I crapped. FML

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By thathottchickk - United States

Today, I volunteered to cater an event at school. A little girl asked for a big slice of cake so I gave it to her. She then puked everywhere and her parents blamed me and made me clean it up. The little girl sat there smiling at me while I cleaned. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Edison

Today, it was my birthday. My boyfriend made me breakfast in bed, then we went out shopping, had a picnic, watched a good romcom, had a fancy dinner, and ended the day with great sex. And when the clock struck twelve, he dumped me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I accidentally asked the cashier at Wendy's how much their 99 cent chicken nuggets were. I guess he is still laughing at me. FML

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By Julie

Today, I had red eyes from crying, and everyone assumed that my mom, who has been seriously ill, had died so they tried comforting me. It was quite embarrassing to have to tell them that it was because I'd just watched the last episode of season 4 of Veronica Mars. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I won $200 a contest at a bar. The manager took me to a vault where money collected from the strippers go into a pool. He told me that at least half of the bills were slid through a strippers butt crack so I was to "choose wisely". FML

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By whatsmccraken - Taiwan

Today, I was on a 12 hour trans-Atlantic flight overseas. I asked the flight attendant where this rancid smell was coming from. The guy sitting next to me started laughing, saying, "Sorry, something I ate is not agreeing with me." This was hour 1 of the flight. FML

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By Xav_Cad - France

Today, I found a deodorant spray underneath the counter of the snack place I work in, so give it a try to see what it smells like. It's currently the high season, and so I have quite a few clients standing in line in front of me, but it seems they'll now have to wait a couple of days for the restaurant to have all the remnants of the CS gas spray cleaned up. FML

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By Whatthe

Today, I walked into a bathroom to find a dad telling his kids not play with the pee in the urinals. FML

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By AloneAtPerkins - 26/11/2020 03:58 - United States - West Bend

Sticky situation

Today, I drove all the way to another state and dealt with Chicago traffic on the way just to learn to drive stick. I couldn't learn, because the truck was suddenly unavailable, and when it was available again, whoever had it last lost the keys. Guess I gotta make another trip. FML

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By ApparentlyEmo - United States

Today, my mom called asking for advice on how to flirt with her personal trainer. I thought she was joking and asked her what Dad would think. Turns out they're getting divorced. They decided this three weeks ago. No one told me. FML

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Top comments

By NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#7791745 - Wednesday 10 April 2019 0:05

Pull up your trousers, exit the bathroom, get a roll of toilet paper along with a fresh pair of undergarments, wipe yourself, change your underwear, and then do laundry.

By bl3ur0z3 | 17

#7791759 - Wednesday 10 April 2019 1:29

Take off your underwear, wipe your ass, and throw your underwear in the laundry

COMMENTS

By NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#7791745 - Wednesday 10 April 2019 0:05

Pull up your trousers, exit the bathroom, get a roll of toilet paper along with a fresh pair of undergarments, wipe yourself, change your underwear, and then do laundry.

EmDizzle2007 | 28

#7791761 - Wednesday 10 April 2019 1:58

you'd think it'd be obvious... but no.

By mixedupminx | 8

#7791755 - Wednesday 10 April 2019 0:37

You know that they use their hand to wipe in some cultures? The more you know

By bl3ur0z3 | 17

#7791759 - Wednesday 10 April 2019 1:29

Take off your underwear, wipe your ass, and throw your underwear in the laundry

dasin | 17

#7792410 - Thursday 11 April 2019 20:40

i would not add thwm back into rotation

ThrottleJockey | 34

#7792496 - Friday 12 April 2019 5:17

Around here we call that Griswolding.

Akitakat | 31

#7792843 - Saturday 13 April 2019 9:02

The shitter’s full...

By RichardPencil | 29

#7791780 - Wednesday 10 April 2019 4:55

Hope for a flawless victory!

By davidfong | 14

#7791855 - Wednesday 10 April 2019 11:49

You may have to sacrifice the pair of underwear. This has happened to me I have about 10 rolls of tp in my bathroom at all times. You can never have to much tp.

By Tien Ngo | 4

#7791858 - Wednesday 10 April 2019 12:06

Don't you have a shower you can use?

By Akitakat | 31

#7791913 - Wednesday 10 April 2019 15:33

Water is your friend.

By Nic1330 | 4

#7791957 - Wednesday 10 April 2019 18:03

shit happens 😂😂😂 but seriously at least nobody else was there so technically you dont have to explain yourself

By Mooglefox | 23

#7792059 - Wednesday 10 April 2019 22:15

Always make sure the first thing you bring into a new place is the toilet paper

By Hejira Hayes | 8

#7792559 - Friday 12 April 2019 10:59

You got your phone, don't ya?

Now, the tricky part is that it has to be all three seashells. Locate the top corner that doesn't have a camera on it...