Today, I was babysitting my 5 month old nephew who hasn't pooped... - FML

By chuchie - 12/6/2009 02:39 - United States

Today, I was babysitting my 5 month old nephew who hasn't pooped in 2 days according to his mom. Well, he pooped. I accidentally stuck my finger in it. While I was wiping my finger off, he rolls over and pees on my new carpet. I roll him over to clean the pee and he opened fire and pooped again. FML

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Creepy

Great speech, thanks!

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By Fuperman - 2/6/2013 23:14 - France - Illange

Today, I went on my first ever assisted skydive. I fainted after we jumped, and only came to as we touched the ground. FML

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By MochiMomoChan - 17/9/2009 09:32 - United States

Today, I found out I'm on wage garnishment because my mother, who took out a student loan for me back in '05, didn't pay off the $2015 owed when she said she would. I got screwed over financially because of her. FML

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By worstaunty - 4/3/2020 18:01 - United States - Boca Raton

That'll do

Today, I had to pick my 2 year-old nephew up from day care for the first time. When the lady asked me who I was there to pick up, I realized I didn't know his actual name because we all call him "Bebe." FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2014 00:51 - United States - Bloomington

Today, my mother locked me out of the house. Why? The dog and her needed some time to talk. FML

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By ktin - 19/8/2010 12:02 - Australia

Today, I got wii fit, wii Mario kart and wii Mario galaxy for my birthday, I don't have a wii. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2015 01:27 - United States - Orlando

Today, my brother was telling me about my "sweet" and "pure" ex-girlfriend. Three stab wounds have already proven otherwise. FML

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By ekoblick - 17/6/2011 04:34 - United States

Today, I got food poisoning from my wedding food. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/3/2017 22:00

Today, my son followed me around like a shadow, chanting, "Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom…" to the tune of Jingle Bells. It's March. FML

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By Alisha - 7/8/2012 18:04 - United States - Fredericksburg

Today, I visited my mother's new apartment, and found a picture of yours truly hanging above her toilet, and I asked why it was there. She shrugged and said, "Because the thought of you makes me want to take a shit?" FML

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By edot - 16/1/2010 03:30 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to see John Mayer. Being 6'2", I didn't think there would be any trouble seeing the stage, until three 6'6" men stood directly in front of me, pissed in a cup and managed to spill it over me. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2009 12:10 - Norway

Today, I'm travelling to England for an important meeting. I'm Norwegian, and my name is Bård. I have to introduce myself as bored the whole day, because that's how my name is pronounced. FML

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By kohler9790 - 22/2/2012 01:29 - United States

Today, I had to tell my wife that the new "vegan" diet she has put us on is not working with my body. It's not the horrible gas, hot shits, or constant hunger that made me realize this. It was the dream I had about fried chicken that did. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/2/2015 00:20 - Canada - Toronto

Today, the doctor let me know I have an autoimmune disease. The disease results in ulcers in my colon which bleed when I poop. I cried, but only when I was told that I wouldn't be allowed to eat cheese anymore. FML

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By John - 30/6/2011 08:18 - United States

Today, I began to walk across the street when I saw a very familiar old lady struggle across it. I walked over to help her, and only after she had blown her rape whistle and socked me in the nuts did she realize I was her grandson. FML

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By sierra.sl31 - 28/7/2019 22:00

Today, my boyfriend of over a year decided he wants us to wait to get married before having sex again, after we've had sex almost every night of being together. FML

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By Doy - 19/12/2011 06:31 - Canada

Today, I told my boyfriend that I didn't know what I was going to do over the Christmas holidays since he was going to be out of the country. He suggested that I work out and do some sit-ups. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2009 14:19 - Australia

Today, I was having amazing sex with this guy I had been seeing for a while. It got really intense, so did my moans. Guys usually like when I moan, but he just put his hands over my mouth and told me to "shut up" because it sounded like "pig noises". FML

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By UnluckyTh1rteen - 27/8/2020 14:19 - United States - New York

Just a friend

Today, my boyfriend went to get coffee with a friend. As a joke, I texted him to ask how his date with his other girlfriend was going. It really was a date, and apparently it went very well. FML

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By Sam Stuhlinger - 3/1/2019 20:00 - United States - Denver

Today, my friend with benefits that I was starting to like forgot my name in front of his friends when they asked who I was. We've known each other for at least a year. I think this means I'm just a benefit. FML

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By ihatewalmart - 29/6/2012 23:12 - United States

Today, while at work, I witnessed a kid empty his bladder all over the floor. His mother walked over, looked at me, said "yep... that just happened" and dragged him away. I'm a 30-year-old man, four credits shy of a Master's, stuck cleaning up piss at a dead-end job. FML

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By Nickname - 12/10/2011 20:05 - United States

Today, I went to the emergency room for busting my lip open, I had to lie and tell them I slipped and fell. In reality I was singing with the soap bottle and slammed it into my lip. FML

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By THANKS4theINFO - 23/5/2010 23:15 - United States

Today, I was watching a movie at my girlfriend's house with her and her parents. There was a part where a brother and sister kissed, so I said "where'd they come from, Alabama?" Today is also the day I found out my girlfriend's parents are from Alabama. FML

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By steakysteak - 12/3/2010 15:06 - United States

Today, I got a package in the mail from my girlfriend. I was really excited until I realized that it was just a box full things that I gave to her. FML

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By Jake - 1/7/2009 12:28 - Australia

Today, I logged on to MSN for the first time in a month. In under 10 minutes, I found out that my little sister had changed my screen name to Jake the Weiner, told my friend that he should "suck my d***" and sent an email to all my contacts declaring my love for my best friend. FML

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By Ivan - 2/3/2011 10:10

Today, at work I tried to help an old man by opening the door for him. He flipped me off because I was wearing a Kansas State University shirt. FML

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By Paicked - 25/1/2012 12:33 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend told me he loves me. Instead of saying it back, I had a panic attack. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/2/2016 11:17 - United States

Today, I forgot to bring my lunch to work. I got so hungry, I resorted to eating antacid tablets from the medicine cabinet for lunch. FML

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By Numbnuts - 8/3/2010 03:08 - United States

Today, I was really bored and decided to annoy my mom while she was doing the dishes. I walked up behind her, touched her shoulder, and said "Poke". She then donkey kicks me straight in the nuts saying "Kick". I know now to never bug my mom when she's in a bad mood. FML

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By Idiots - 5/9/2009 20:54 - Canada

Today, I was at a party when I got covered in the liquid from a glow stick. Thinking it wasn't a big deal I went to rub it off, but it stuck to my clothes. The cops came so everyone ran and hid in the bushes because we were all drunk. The cops arrested fifteen people because I glowed. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/3/2017 00:00

Today, my biology teacher asked the class a question, so I raised my hand and after I gave my answer, my teacher said, "You know, you have a voice for radio. It's very deep." I replied with "Do I? Thanks!" He added, "You also have the face for radio." The whole class laughed. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2012 22:22 - Canada - Airdrie

Today, I had a chat with my husband, and I convinced him to try being more spontaneous to spice up our sex life. This evening, he burst into our bedroom with an eyepatch on, and "seductively" growled, "I'm gonna slay your pussy, wench." FML

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By scarred - 27/7/2009 04:42 - United States

Today, I heard my parents having sex for the first time so I turned the TV up really loud to drown out the noise, and a minute or two later my mom comes downstairs in this skimpy nightgown to ask me why the TV was so loud and, seeing the horror on my face, kept asking what was wrong with me. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2010 19:10 - Ireland

Today, I got hit in the mouth with a hockey stick and lost four teeth. Yesterday I got my braces of six years removed. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2013 23:00 - United Kingdom - Kilkeel

Today, I felt frisky, so I did my hair and put on make-up and some lingerie. I walked into the living room, where my husband was playing a video game. He glanced up, said, "Oh, for fuck's sake." and made me wait nearly 15 minutes for him to reach a save-game point. FML

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By mandm - 24/9/2013 21:01 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I had to explain to my son why it is not okay to slap old women's butts. He's 16. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2020 02:00

Unrequited and stuck

Today, I'm crushing so hard on my male roommate that I've basically become a doormat for him. Meanwhile, he's on the phone for hours with the pretty girl he met over Tinder. I feel pathetic, stupid and jealous, which I have no right to be. Worst part, we're still quarantined together. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2012 02:24 - United States

Today, I was working as a paramedic when my patient's colostomy bag exploded all over me. I was covered in fecal matter, with 5 hours left on my shift. FML

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By AlonsoKold - 7/4/2014 23:39 - United States - Jackson

Today, my girlfriend threatened to break up with me because I don't like her Facebook statuses enough. FML

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By Cake Dreams - 8/10/2018 22:15

Today, I had a dream wherein a deep, sensual voice was talking sexy to me. "Yeah girl, you want this. Mmm." It wasn't the man of my dreams trying to seduce me. It was a piece of chocolate cake. FML

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By caltech - 10/10/2012 04:15 - United States - San Jose

Today, I applied for a job as a secretary. As I sat in the waiting room, the interviewer came out with his wife. She gave me a once-over, then said to her husband, "Hire this one. She's so ugly, you would never have an affair with her." FML

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Top comments

By hamzy | 0

#296725 - Friday 12 June 2009 9:38

Lol, "opened fire".

For some reason I find this fml more cute then FMLish.

By flydog | 2

#296758 - Friday 12 June 2009 9:46

how do you ''accidentally stuck my finger in it.'' ? poor kid must be going FML!!

COMMENTS

By hamzy | 0

#296725 - Friday 12 June 2009 9:38

Lol, "opened fire".

For some reason I find this fml more cute then FMLish.

By justbea777 | 0

#296727 - Friday 12 June 2009 9:39

gross

By tonia_fml | 0

#296737 - Friday 12 June 2009 9:41

there's these things called: changing tables.

Reply

yankfan89 | 27

#4655484 - Friday 6 July 2012 3:04

OP was baby sitting she wouldn't have a changing table unless she has small children of her own. However she could have put a blanket down since it was new carpet.

Reply

crudeandrudeguy | 29

#6363128 - Monday 27 July 2015 15:34

Common sense would still dictate you don't do it on new carpet

By blacklie | 0

#296738 - Friday 12 June 2009 9:41

that's cute! i totally agree with number 1!!

Reply

ciararocks1000 | 0

#3792327 - Tuesday 27 December 2011 6:51

Da fuq is wrong with you? If a kid fucking peed on my NEW carpet I would give it back I dont care who the mother is!

By rachelbrianna25 | 0

#296740 - Friday 12 June 2009 9:42

ew! that really sucks. i hope you got paid for that. nasty.

By fmlxxxx | 0

#296748 - Friday 12 June 2009 9:44

This is all very normal for babies, and is why you should have a large mat or a towel under them.

By flydog | 2

#296758 - Friday 12 June 2009 9:46

how do you ''accidentally stuck my finger in it.'' ? poor kid must be going FML!!

By macs19 | 0

#296763 - Friday 12 June 2009 9:47

how did you get your finger in his pooper?

FYL for the mishap, but i suggest being careful around an area where you really shouldnt be putting your fingers.

Reply

yankfan89 | 27

#4655494 - Friday 6 July 2012 3:06

OP stuck her finger in the poop not her nephew's anus

By XgenerASIANboiX | 0

#296768 - Friday 12 June 2009 9:50

i love the term "opened fire"!!! sounds like his poop were bullets and his derrier was the gun!!! ROFLMAO!!!

By FatJoke321 | 0

#296784 - Friday 12 June 2009 10:00

Hahaha ew an little ppl poop is like neon green (glow in the dark :D)