Money: Today, I thought I was doing a nice thing when I spent hundreds...

By yourewelcome - United States - Gainesville

Today, I thought I was doing a nice thing when I spent hundreds of dollars to get my friend a plane ticket home. She yelled at me when I gave it to her. Turns out, she planned on spending a few more months freeloading off me. FML

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Money

Understandable

Eye-bleach please

Nerves of steel

By Anonymous - Belize - Belize City

Today, I finally found a place to stay after being kicked out by my parents. The psycho owner waited till now to tell me that my bathroom door will remain locked at all times, and that whenever I want to go in there, I have to ask him to unlock it, then do my business while he waits outside. FML

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By UncleMonkey - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, while flirting with a cute nurse at my dad's bedside, I accidentally let a noxious fart slip out and she thought the foul smell came from my sleeping father soiling himself. I let her roll him over and check his ass while he cried out in pain because I wasn't man enough to own up to it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Landenberg

Today, I downloaded Grindr to my phone. It also downloaded to my mom's phone, my dad's phone, and my brother's phone. FML

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By khfhjfsb - United States - Downers Grove

Today, the guy I was sexting asked me to stop including my face in the pictures. FML

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By Snotmyfault - United States

Today, at the age of 22 I started eating my boogers. FML

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By Zaak

Ouch.

Today, my neighbor, whom I've had a massive crush on but barely know, actually started flirting with me. Long story short, it ended with him getting a blowjob. I said, "We should make this a thing." He replied, "Yeah, a one-time thing." FML

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By Andrew - United States

Today, my fiancé and I got married. We both promised to remain abstinent until our wedding day. She's on her period. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2020 17:01

Damn squares!

Today, I went for a job interview and was rejected for having a 'visible' tattoo. It's white ink, so you can't see it unless you look super closely. The only reason they knew about it was because I was honest and mentioned it when asked if I had any tattoos. I guess honesty is not the best policy. FML

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By rebecca - Austria

Today, as a bartender was carding my friends, I excitedly asked if he was going to card me. The guy gave me a blank stare before finally replying, "Look, lady, I don't have time to stroke some middle-aged woman's ego." I asked because it was my birthday. I just turned twenty-one. FML

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By thafinest - United States

Thanks, "Mom"

Today, I received a call from a collection agency. Since I had no clue, I was ready to file a police report for stolen identity. I then called my mom only to find out she has been opening new credit cards with my information for 3 years and not paying them. My credit is ruined and I'm only 21. FML

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By DrLight - United States - Raleigh

Today, a kid looked at me, screamed, then ran away yelling "Chewbacca!" FML

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By Twomanybananas

Today, I found a banana on my bed. It was black and shriveled because I accidentally left it there after I thought I finished the whole bushel I bought last week. I've been sleeping in my bed all week and didn't notice. FML

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By tyrettes

Today, I started a new yard maintenance job. Before the day had even ended, I got fired, because I apparently didn’t have enough experience, and I moved too slowly. It was supposed to be my training day. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw a woman run down my street screaming, "Fuck you cops! I can drive under the influence if I want to!" It took me a second to realize it was my mother. FML

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By I'm over it - United States

Today, I work 732 miles away from my wife and three children, and I rarely get to go home. After giving up many hours of family time to work on my last home visit, I returned to work only to have my boss accuse me of stealing time, dock me 50 hours, and "review" my employment for termination. FML

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By Party Pooper - United States

Today, my housemates are throwing a huge house party to celebrate finishing their finals. It's 4:30am and people are still arriving. I have my last final in 3 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Hello? Hello?

Today, I learned that my boyfriend has narcolepsy when we were having sex and he passed out on top of me. FML

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By Shell - United States

Today, I was working at Chuck-E-Cheese. If that isn't enough, I was put in the mouse costume. Due to the disgusting hot smell and atmosphere in the costume, I fainted in front of a birthday party. I awoke to a little boy screaming who then kicked me in the face and ran. FML

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By Grounded - United States

Today, my parents told me that they've been having a contest to see who could punish me the most this week. So far, my mom is in the lead by kicking me out of the car near railroad tracks, and making me walk the 4 miles home in the freezing rain. FML

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By visn - United States

Today, a real estate agent showed my house to some buyers. I found out when I exited the shower, fully nude, to them in the hallway. FML

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By JoannaG25 - Netherlands

Today, I was told that in order to be considered for more jobs, I should remove my college degree from my resume. FML

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By Anonymous - Venezuela - Barquisimeto

Today, I had to take my fiancé to the hospital so they could remove a tampon applicator that he claimed he somehow "fell onto". It was lodged up his nostril. I'm marrying this man in a week. FML

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By Cheated - Canada

Today, my wife of 2 years told me she was pregnant, after we've been trying for ages. Excited, about to call my parents, my wife then told me, "Don't get your hopes up it might not be yours, the father could be 5 other guys." And then asked me what I'd like for dinner. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Banner Elk

Today, feeling the need to spice things up in our sex life, I dressed up in my husband's navy uniform jacket, hat, and a pair of heels. When he came into the room, he took one look at me and started laughing uncontrollably. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Vista

Today, while walking down the street, I saw a man attacking a woman in an alley. I ran to help, and shoved the man away from her. Except it turns out he wasn't attacking her; he was getting it on with his fiancée. FML

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By DingusGinger

Today, I found out my boss likes to shit talk about me when I'm not around. Best part is I don't know what I've done to piss him off. FML

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By Lazyuser2849 - United States - Arlington

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. To this, she said, "You need to meet more people."FML

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13047

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By husbands addiction - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got billed for $80 of Justin Bieber music. It wouldn't have been so bad if it were my daughter who bought it all, instead of my husband. FML

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By jend - United States

Today, I went into work happy about my supervising promotion. When I arrived at work, I realized that only one person had decided to come into work today, which meant I had to clean 15 rooms, and supervise myself. FML

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By Hreid254 - United States - Temple

Today, my dogs somehow pulled the water spigot off the wall in my backyard. I now have my own private lake. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, I started having chest pains and shortness of breath. I thought I was having a heart attack and I asked my husband to take me to the hospital. He told me to wait because he'd just ordered a pizza. FML

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By "BunnysKitty"

Today, per my boyfriend's request, I bought some lingerie. He got so excited when he saw me, he ripped it off me right away. After we were done he used it to clean up. I essentially bought a $40 cum rag. FML

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4920

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By wtf dad - United States - Saint Charles

Today, I learned who my dad's new fiancée is. Upon meeting her she exclaimed, "My, I haven't seen you in a while!" She's my ex-boyfriend's mom. FML

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By Username

Today, after we'd let an author rent out our cabin, we read in the book of poems he wrote while staying that he'd described how he enjoyed sitting on our table naked. The same table we often eat off. FML

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By skyphoenix - United States

Today, I went on a trip with some people from work to watch a baseball game. Halfway through the game, one of my managers shook my hand and said "Nice to Meet You." I've been working there for 3 months. FML

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By FireoftheFuture - United States

Today, I had a giant Scantron test. After putting 10 answers, I noticed every single answer was A. I got freaked out and started putting random answers. Turns out every answer on the test was A. I failed. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Cheltenham

Today, I discovered that if I turn my shower off for a minute, then back on again, the water comes out scalding hot. I discovered that while the showerhead was pointed directly at my genitals. FML

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33127

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my mom has notebooks with lists of everything she has bought for me ever since I was born. Apparently she is going to make me pay her back for all the money she spent on me once I'm an adult. FML

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By lyinginbed - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking through a field with my boyfriend and he picked me some pretty flowers. I hugged him and leant in to sniff them. In doing so, I inhaled a bee up my nose and had to force it out my swollen nostril after it had stung me. FML

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By Instacreep

Today, I found out that when someone posts a "story" on Instagram, they can see who has viewed it and how many times. I have been viewing an ex's story every day for the past week. We do not follow each other. FML

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Top comments

By ChenEighty | 20

#6135799 - Friday 5 December 2014 15:09

Well now it's a "Get the hell out of my house already" present. Dual use achieved.

By loloalltheway | 23

#6135801 - Friday 5 December 2014 15:11

How ungrateful!

COMMENTS

By ChenEighty | 20

#6135799 - Friday 5 December 2014 15:09

Well now it's a "Get the hell out of my house already" present. Dual use achieved.

Hiktmae | 20

#6135955 - Friday 5 December 2014 18:28

The friend definitely deserves that ticket home now.

By poloy325 | 9

#6135800 - Friday 5 December 2014 15:10

What a bitch

By loloalltheway | 23

#6135801 - Friday 5 December 2014 15:11

How ungrateful!

By Dlzq | 22

#6135802 - Friday 5 December 2014 15:11

What a bitch. I'd kick her out..

By Welshite | 39

#6135803 - Friday 5 December 2014 15:12

Her name must be Squidward.

es3508 | 16

#6136007 - Friday 5 December 2014 19:19

It's time to pull out the alphabet soup

cwrocker | 14

#6136943 - Saturday 6 December 2014 18:19

Then take her jellyfishing

By silvercamaro | 22

#6135804 - Friday 5 December 2014 15:13

Take a vacation and kick out your "friend" for free.

By movaa | 11

#6135806 - Friday 5 December 2014 15:15

Kick her out , and most airlines have some sort of exchange or refund policy. I would look into that ! maybe use the money to buy yourself a Christmas present ;)

By Madrias | 36

#6135808 - Friday 5 December 2014 15:21

Refund the plane ticket, then throw the ungrateful bitch out. "Find your own way home! You come back here, I'll press charges for trespassing."

Ichiya | 29

#6135842 - Friday 5 December 2014 16:08

Or kill her its my go to response to bitchyness

By charliewhippet | 9

#6135810 - Friday 5 December 2014 15:22

She is not your friend.

By MzZombicidal | 36

#6135816 - Friday 5 December 2014 15:37

Well I'd be sure to let her know that her attitude won't fly around here! She can get the hell out and start providing for herself.

Also, you're an extremely sweet friend, OP.