Today, I thought I was doing a nice thing when I spent hundreds...

By yourewelcome - 5/12/2014 02:04 - United States - Gainesville

Today, I thought I was doing a nice thing when I spent hundreds of dollars to get my friend a plane ticket home. She yelled at me when I gave it to her. Turns out, she planned on spending a few more months freeloading off me. FML

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Money

Work name

British Broadcasting Corporation

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By Anonymous - 27/12/2011 17:11 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out apparently I sleep walk. My boyfriend has been filming me and uploading it all to Youtube. FML

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By not telling you my name - 7/8/2015 15:16 - United States - Elkhart

Today, I went to take a dump at work. The silence in the room was deafening, and I ended up singing to myself. After I proudly finished, there was a short silence, followed by a coworker in the next stall saying, "Um... don't quit the day job, Rick." I'll never live this down. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2019 06:35

Today, while getting steamy with my boyfriend, I tried to be sexy and tease him by playfully pushing his hands away every time he touched me. He responded by telling me it's OK if we didn't have sex because my breath was a bit "funky" and he needed to take "a massive dump anyway." FML

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By LifeLikeLemons - 14/11/2016 23:51 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I got rear-ended trying to move off the road because I heard a police siren. It was the radio. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2019 02:01

Snug as a bug…

Today, my nose had been feeling weirdly uncomfortable all day. After I got home, I blew my nose really hard. I found that a bug had been resting inside my nose the entire time. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2017 04:00

Today, I met my teacher after school to talk about a paper on which he gave me a low grade. I told him that I felt it was wrongly graded and he agreed. He lowered my score. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/3/2009 04:46 - United States

Today, I came home and saw on our fridge, "Please don't drink anymore, I really worry about your health" written by my 7-year-old daughter. I figured she wouldn't ever find out, so I opened the fridge. But I found another note on a can that said "So you're going to drink anyway?" FML

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By blacklove - 12/2/2010 20:19 - United States

Today, I got a rose from my boyfriend. The card read "it's over". FML

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By whosurdaddy - 6/1/2017 06:44

Today, I'm attending a party where drunken women just can't seem to keep their clothes on. Those drunken women are my daughters. FML

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By Britishboy1991 - 9/12/2016 15:50

Today, I should be working on my big project for work due next week. Instead, I'm walking in and out of the block to get all my things from my flat. My roommate lied about paying the rent for months now and has actually spending all the money on lotto tickets. And no, he didn't win anything. FML

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By killmyself - 23/1/2009 19:50 - United States

Today, I was masturbating lying on the lower bed of my brother's and my bunk beds. I finished jacking off and tried to get up to clean myself I hit my head on metal panel of the upper bed and passed out. Later woke up in my bed... found out my parents came home and saw me passed out naked holding a porn mag. FML

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By fuck you mom - 17/4/2020 20:00

Boozehound

Today, my mom laid into me, calling me a selfish bitch, blaming me for my dad not being around and finally that she should’ve aborted me. All because I couldn't get her booze from the neighborhood market she’s been banned from. I’m not even 21. FML

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By CaptainStars - 29/6/2020 20:01

Bureaucracy

Today, I ran out of my antidepressants, and I cannot get more because my local hospital is closed, and I can't register online because the only way it will let me sign up is over the phone, due to me living in a rural area. I'm mute. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2012 16:40 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, at work, my boss asked me why I wasn't adhering to proper dress code. I pointed out that skinny jeans are in the dress code, to which he replied, "Only if you're skinny." FML

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By "mala_19" - 4/9/2017 23:15

Today, once again, my boss posted a selfie with a Snapchat filter on the company's Facebook page. She doesn't see how it's unprofessional. FML

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By BadFather - 21/11/2011 06:23 - Australia

Today, I discovered my wife and I have referred to our two-year-old as 'cutie' or 'beautiful' so many times she won't respond to her own name. FML

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By Joey - 6/2/2009 22:51 - United States

Today, my company hired a new guy to help on our project. My boss said that he would shadow me for the whole day so he could learn our system. At the end of the day my boss fired me, handed my company car keys and laptop to my "shadow for the day" right in front of me. My Mom picked me up. FML

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By chelle - 1/5/2009 17:40 - United States

Today, I was laying in bed naked and blindfolded. I told my boyfriend he could do anything he wanted to me. About 30 minutes later I get out of bed and find him in the computer room play World of Warcraft. His friends needed him. FML

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By Tally - 24/9/2009 16:16 - Canada

Today, I got flowers at work. I was excited until I saw they were from my good friend saying, "Sorry for sleeping with your boyfriend!" FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2012 16:44 - United States

Today, over a family dinner, my husband and I told everyone that I'm pregnant. My father frowned and said, "Again?", my 9-year-old daughter started crying, and her brother smirked and yelled, "Up the ass, no babies!" FML

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By Nofatforme - 6/9/2009 04:19 - Canada

Today, I saw a girl I haven't seen in 4 years. She used to like me back then. Since then I have lost 50 pounds, and never had the confidence to ask her out. She said I looked really sexy so I decided to ask her out on a date then and there. She said no, she only likes fat guys. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/2/2013 17:14 - Sweden - Floda

Today, after nearly six weeks of seeing a nice girl, we finally decided to make it official. Two hours later, she pulled out a bridal magazine and not-so-casually asked me which wedding location I thought was the nicest. FML

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By Richocet - 18/5/2009 00:35 - Canada

Today, I was walking home from piano lessons when I see my dad on a bike so I shout after him. He turns his head around and then runs into a tree. It wasn't my dad. FML

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By ActuallyDoneFor - 10/11/2018 10:30 - Canada - Saint Albert

Today, my boyfriend and I had a friend over. This friend was talking about how 2 girls were trying to get with him. My boyfriend says "I wouldn't ever fuck the blonde one, but I would do the other one in a heartbeat." Then, realizing what he said, he hesitantly added "...if I was single." FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2011 07:09 - United States

Today, I came to the conclusion that you should always tell the truth. While I was busy reassuring her that the condom didn't break, she was telling me how it was okay because she was on the pill. According to the pregnancy test, we both lied. FML

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By nycplywood - 18/11/2009 21:01 - United States

Today, I learned that if you stare at your cat and her eyes suddenly get really big, it means she's going to maul your face. FML

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By Frenchie - 12/9/2013 21:24 - United States - Belleville

Today, in French class we had to write love letters as an exercise. Since my boyfriend recently broke up with me by text message, I ended up writing a 20-sentence love letter in French to my cat. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2016 03:24 - United States - Franklin

Today, at my minimum wage job, we received a half-way decomposed dog found in a lake. It was my job to tear open the bag and try to identify the breed and color. It would've been easier if the body wasn't crawling with maggots. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2016 04:07 - United States - Taylors

Today, I was playing basketball in the searing heat with my friends. I jokingly told my friend that I was gonna die if I stayed out there much longer. Two minutes later, I got the ball and made the shot that won. Too bad I didn't see it, since I collapsed right as I took the shot and blacked out. FML

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By Ewwwwww - 4/2/2010 18:53 - United States

Today, I discovered that the rancid stench in my bathroom was a decaying carcass of a mouse in my toilet tank. FML

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By SaraSkyWolf - 17/10/2018 22:00

Today, we didn't have much to do at work, so I struck up a conversation with a coworker I have a crush on - a girl with one arm. I wanted to tell her I thought she was pretty, but I ended up saying I thought she looked like a pirate queen. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/6/2020 17:00

It's called fashion Dave, look it up!

Today, my beautiful bride walked towards me in a dress that looked just like a ribbed condom. FML

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By nose hurts - 30/12/2013 01:01 - United States - Richmond

Today, I was leaning over cleaning a table at work, when my pretty coworker came up behind me and slapped me on the butt. I was so startled that I slipped and smashed my face into the table. Now she can't look at me without laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2011 16:09 - United States

Today, I noticed how big my brother's package is. If it hadn't been for the fact that my family has taken up walking around naked half the day, I never would have had to. FML

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By Soph - 25/3/2013 21:53 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, during a sex ed lesson, we were given a lecture on pregnancy and abortion from the school nurse. Throughout the session she kept repeating, "Of course, Sophie knows ALL about this." The nurse happens to know that my dad's a gynaecologist. That's not what everyone else in the year thinks. FML

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By PukinFireman - 17/10/2009 08:20 - United States

Today, it was my first day at the fire station. Naturally, we all went out and got lunch together. I normally don't handle spicy food well, but sucked it up. About ten minutes after we finished, I got up to do rookie duties when someone slapped me in the back. I forcefully vomited all over my new Lieutenant. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2011 15:57 - Canada

Today, I was making out with a guy in a washroom at a party. Things got heavy and the guy lifted me onto the sink. The sink broke off from the wall. This caused a flood in the apartment. The party was canceled. FML

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By melissa - 10/2/2009 23:41 - United States

Today, my sister teased me about being a mistake baby. When I told my mom what my sister said, her response was "I still love you anyway". FML

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By e - 2/12/2010 09:24 - United States

Today, I couldn't find my key so I sat against the wall to wait for my roommate to get home. I fell asleep. When I woke up a few hours later, I could hear her inside. She chose not to wake me up and let me in. FML

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By blah - 21/7/2011 14:10 - United States

Today, my mom took me to an AA meeting because she said I needed help. I have never tried alcohol in my life, and told them this. I was then harangued by the "instructor" because apparently one of the signs of alcoholism is denial. FML

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Top comments

By ChenEighty | 20

#6135799 - Friday 5 December 2014 15:09

Well now it's a "Get the hell out of my house already" present. Dual use achieved.

By loloalltheway | 23

#6135801 - Friday 5 December 2014 15:11

How ungrateful!

Comments

By ChenEighty | 20

#6135799 - Friday 5 December 2014 15:09

Well now it's a "Get the hell out of my house already" present. Dual use achieved.

Hiktmae | 20

#6135955 - Friday 5 December 2014 18:28

The friend definitely deserves that ticket home now.

By poloy325 | 9

#6135800 - Friday 5 December 2014 15:10

What a bitch

By loloalltheway | 23

#6135801 - Friday 5 December 2014 15:11

How ungrateful!

By Dlzq | 22

#6135802 - Friday 5 December 2014 15:11

What a bitch. I'd kick her out..

By Welshite | 39

#6135803 - Friday 5 December 2014 15:12

Her name must be Squidward.

es3508 | 16

#6136007 - Friday 5 December 2014 19:19

It's time to pull out the alphabet soup

cwrocker | 14

#6136943 - Saturday 6 December 2014 18:19

Then take her jellyfishing

By silvercamaro | 21

#6135804 - Friday 5 December 2014 15:13

Take a vacation and kick out your "friend" for free.

By movaa | 11

#6135806 - Friday 5 December 2014 15:15

Kick her out , and most airlines have some sort of exchange or refund policy. I would look into that ! maybe use the money to buy yourself a Christmas present ;)

By Madrias | 36

#6135808 - Friday 5 December 2014 15:21

Refund the plane ticket, then throw the ungrateful bitch out. "Find your own way home! You come back here, I'll press charges for trespassing."

Ichiya | 29

#6135842 - Friday 5 December 2014 16:08

Or kill her its my go to response to bitchyness

By charliewhippet | 9

#6135810 - Friday 5 December 2014 15:22

She is not your friend.

By MzZombicidal | 36

#6135816 - Friday 5 December 2014 15:37

Well I'd be sure to let her know that her attitude won't fly around here! She can get the hell out and start providing for herself.

Also, you're an extremely sweet friend, OP.