Today, my boss told me that the company will be hiring a programmer... - FML

By Not a programmer yet - 1/9/2015 15:30 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boss told me that the company will be hiring a programmer for our department. I had the idea for the position when we went over my 3-year career path last month, but it wasn't approved. I now get to look over résumés from other people applying for my dream job. FML

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Understandable

Instadrama

A beautiful truck decoration

By whale14 - 6/6/2019 16:00

Today, I was in the newspaper for my soccer accomplishments. It was supposed to be my day in the spotlight. I went home to find out that my little sister had sprained her ankle in P.E. Not only did nobody in my family read the article in the paper, I'm now doing all of my sister's chores. FML

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By Sonotsuave - 17/5/2019 01:00 - United States - Arlington

Today, I rushed home after my mom called saying our upstairs had flooded. Apparently, my little brother somehow broke the toilet while unsupervised and water overflowed everywhere. It even reached my closet, shoes, and books, and everything touching my floor in my room is now wet. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2012 16:29 - United States - Cedar Park

Today, a senile old lady came up to me and offered me chocolate. I noticed that it was ex-lax, so I politely told her no. My 4-year-old daughter pushed me aside and ate the ex-lax, because she thought it was candy. I now have a stinky child on a 3 hour bus ride, with no stops. FML

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By kthx - 22/10/2009 12:26 - Canada

Today, it was my grandfather's burial. As the family was about to leave, a great aunt came up to my skinny, tall and pretty cousin and told her, "Stay beautiful and kind." Then, she walked to me and said, "And you, Stay kind." FML

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By Wow. - 18/12/2013 18:23 - United States

Today, my girlfriend refused to take a picture with me to prove to my friends that I do indeed have a girlfriend. I got so desperate that I photoshopped myself into one of her Facebook photos instead. FML

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By probablyadopted1 - 4/5/2016 16:39 - United States - Houston

Today, my family savagely mocked me to the point of tears, all for using "big", "fancy" words like "accommodations" and "hospitality". FML

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By Rman - 2/11/2009 22:35 - United States

Today, I got a letter confirming I had dropped out of college. I received this letter shortly after completing the 10th essay I had finished this week as a result of me deciding to finally apply myself to my schoolwork. Turns out that while dropping a class, I checked Drop All instead of Drop 1. FML

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By Munch - 12/9/2017 04:00 - Australia - Mordialloc

Today, my short-tempered, alcoholic boyfriend proudly showed me the rifle he bought. This guy regularly swears at his own sneezes and often flies into fits of rage because it's hard to get his shoe on. Time to move out. FML

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By ahddib - 14/10/2010 02:13 - United States

Today, I started making love to my wife as soon as the kids were occupied. She just laid there the whole time and never responded, except for a few times to say "Ouch." FML

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By ifeelfat - 17/6/2014 20:44 - United States

Today, while at the waterpark, some guy came up to me and profusely thanked me for wearing a one-piece swimsuit. FML

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By loneliness - 30/12/2011 05:48 - United States

Today, I realized I want school to start again so that I won't be sitting alone in my room all day anymore. FML

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By disappointed - 7/6/2011 17:05 - United States

Today, after spending thousands of dollars and several years pursuing a higher education so I could get a high paying job doing something that requires skill and brainpower, I finally got my first job offer after months of searching. I will be cleaning houses. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2019 04:01 - United States - San Francisco

That shirt is FIRE!

Today, my shirt caught on fire when I was burning paper for my ancestors at the cemetery. FML

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By neednewfriends - 19/12/2009 23:21 - United States

Today, I ran into the living room when I heard the smoke alarm going off. Turns out, my friend thought it was a good idea to melt a plastic cup on my floor heater. He also thought the best way to put it out was to urinate on it. My house smells like burnt pee. FML

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By racking-leaves - 14/11/2012 19:55 - United States

Today, after spending 3 hours raking leaves, I went to the store to get some supplies. I came back to find my neighbor had decided to blow his leaves all over my yard. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2015 11:04 - Netherlands - Dronten

Today, I worked up the courage to tell my girlfriend that I love her. She made a face like she'd just sucked on a lemon and said, "Um... yay, I guess...?" and awkwardly left the room. FML

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By kids are meh - 16/5/2016 21:47 - United States - Ponchatoula

Today, I told my cousin it would be okay if he stayed the weekend after a fight with his wife. He didn't tell me he was bringing his 4 kids. They've watched funny cat videos for hours and they laugh like maniacs. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2009 15:18 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a year told me he is at the point in his life where he is ready to start a family, get married and have a baby. He also casually stated that he wished he could meet someone he could see himself settling down with. FML

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By slowrunner - 22/4/2009 13:20 - United States

Today, I was running the 100m sprint in a track meet. Me and another girl were tied for dead last. When we finished, she complained, "It's so embarrassing how slow I am today. I have shin splints. What happened to you?" I was actually running my hardest. FML

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By cl4ptp - 14/8/2012 12:17 - United Kingdom - Barry

Today, after sex, my boyfriend and I lay in bed for a couple of hours just chatting. This would have been lovely. However, his topic of choice for post-coital pillow talk was his theory about how Chewbacca is secretly the leader of the Rebel Alliance. It actually made sense. FML

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By justanidiot - 20/9/2020 22:01 - United States - Macon

Vibe check

Today, I've been getting weird vibes from my boyfriend of over a year and half, so I made a fake Tinder account. Guess who my first match was? My now ex-boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/1/2020 14:00 - United States - Oakland

On time

Today, I finally got up early enough to get to work on time. I arrived 15 minutes early only to realize that I'd left my work laptop at home. Ended up being 30 minutes late. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2011 06:21 - United States

Today, as I was just finishing my grocery shopping, a little girl and her mother walked past. Seeing the little girl staring at me, I waved. The girl then pointed to me and asked her mother "Mommy, is that man pregnant?" FML

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By mrtut - 29/10/2010 12:17 - United Kingdom

Today, as a physics teacher, I was testing a class to see how high a sound frequency they could hear. One girl claimed she could hear the sound even though it was physically impossible. Without thinking, I replied "Only dogs can hear this frequency." Needless to say, she was picked on all day. FML

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By Bellagirl - 19/7/2010 07:10 - United States

Today, I found out what's worse than having the "sex talk" with your parents: having the "sex talk" with your boyfriend, when he's 23, right before you were supposed to have sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2014 08:03 - Australia

Today, my mum was in a bad mood, so I tried to cheer her up by telling her I love her, and giving her a hug. She slapped me hard enough to leave a red, hand-shaped mark on my face, and told me to fuck off with my "sarcasm". FML

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By itsdezzz - 9/3/2016 23:43 - United States - Hatfield

Today, I noticed a customer looking for expired products in hopes of receiving a coupon from my store. I told them to let me know if they found anything. They promptly began following me around, telling me how to do my job, only to later file a complaint saying that I was harassing them. FML

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By Choum - 7/11/2008 06:33 - France

Today, I realized that my ex has REALLY dumped me for a video game. And he will not change his mind. FML

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By M3DO - 3/8/2016 01:04

Today, I got called for a job that I applied to 2 months ago, just to ask me if I had an older brother that could work for them. FML

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By caisse à outs - 23/9/2015 01:06 - France - Saint Quentin

Today, my brother told me that he needed to borrow a hammer, a chisel, and a drill just in case. I asked him if he was finally getting round to starting work on his apartment. Not at all, he was just going to crack open the coconut he'd just bought at the supermarket. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/11/2014 17:21 - United Kingdom - Middlesbrough

Today, someone commented on my mother's memorial page on my blog. It said "u need too get over it bitch" and "ur mum was a wh0re". I looked up the IP address and found the comment was posted from my own wifi. The only other person who lives in my house is my girlfriend. FML

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By _Tatyana_ - 13/6/2013 07:05 - United States - Gettysburg

Today, after getting my wisdom teeth pulled, I woke up from a much needed nap realizing I should take my pain medication. My mother then told me she had thrown them out so I wouldn't get addicted and become a drug dealer. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2019 16:00

Today, my wife stopped halfway through a blowjob to check a notification on her phone for a game. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2015 18:51 - Norway - Bergen

Today, like every day, I woke up at 3 in the morning because my roommate needs "a three hour warning" before his real alarm goes off. His alarm is a constant beeping noise which he always ignores for a good 10 minutes before finally getting up and turning it off. FML

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By bertiebeth - 2/8/2014 05:35 - Australia - Padstow

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he wanted me to get him some take out. He responded with, "I think we should see other people. Uh, chicken please." FML

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By Lily - 21/2/2009 11:22 - United States

Today, I came to school late because I had to drop off my daughter at school. When I got on campus, the security told me I was late but I said, "Oh no, I work here." and he said, "Oh like I haven't heard that one before." And he took me to detention. My boss, the Principal, had to bail me out. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2010 19:59 - Canada

Today, my ex-girlfriend was having lunch with my parents. Believing she was in love with me and feeling the same, I dropped by. My parents told me that she’s their friend and that she has a boyfriend that they approve of, all while telling me I was never good enough for her. FML

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By Vinny1017 - 7/10/2010 14:26 - United States

Today, I asked my girlfriend's father if I could marry his daughter. He smiled, shook my hand, and said "No, now get out of my house." FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2012 10:26 - United States - Williamsburg

Today, after finally falling asleep, my boyfriend woke me up and got extremely mad at me. My offense? My pillow was touching his side of the bed. After yelling at me, he's now sleeping on the couch, and I'm lying in bed wide awake. FML

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By crier - 27/8/2013 18:34 - United States - Norfolk

Today, I realized the moans I make when masturbating sound like I'm crying. I realized this when my neighbor pounded on the door asking if I was okay. FML

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Top comments

By UncleCaitlyn | 21

#6399567 - Wednesday 2 September 2015 0:57

Maybe you could ask about it before starting to look through the résumés

By Redgy22 | 25

#6399580 - Wednesday 2 September 2015 1:00

You could submit your resume' along with the others. I'm assuming, of course, that your boss gets the final say.

COMMENTS

By CrispyBacon69 | 14

#6399565 - Wednesday 2 September 2015 0:56

Ouch try and make the best of it

By UncleCaitlyn | 21

#6399567 - Wednesday 2 September 2015 0:57

Maybe you could ask about it before starting to look through the résumés

By FMLintheanus | 12

#6399574 - Wednesday 2 September 2015 0:59

That really sucks OP, but at least you didn't get fired or anything and you're still employed. Hope you get to be a programmer later in life. :)

By footballguy55 | 9

#6399577 - Wednesday 2 September 2015 1:00

Be straight with your boss and tell him about your idea. He might give it to you!

Reply

ShowMeKay | 20

#6399760 - Wednesday 2 September 2015 5:14

He already told his boss the idea. It was turned down. That was the whole FML :/

By Redgy22 | 25

#6399580 - Wednesday 2 September 2015 1:00

You could submit your resume' along with the others. I'm assuming, of course, that your boss gets the final say.

Reply

rickAUS | 22

#6399992 - Wednesday 2 September 2015 11:45

I am gathering that since OP is short list people, slipping in his own resume could be seen as a conflict on interest and possibly get him fired. Only real way around it is to approach his manager about it.

By GreekYogurt | 26

#6399586 - Wednesday 2 September 2015 1:05

A similar thing happened to me a few years back. They don't deserve you.

By inolongercare | 19

#6399593 - Wednesday 2 September 2015 1:11

Put your application in for it!!

By Amateur_Dank | 17

#6399598 - Wednesday 2 September 2015 1:14

Maybe time to move on. I'm sure there are other firms offering jobs in programming.

Reply

Mauskau | 35

#6399640 - Wednesday 2 September 2015 2:27

Plenty of places are looking for programmers, however you need experience and need to be able to prove you can do it.

By vikky538 | 28

#6399599 - Wednesday 2 September 2015 1:14

Post your resume.. And you will get it

By purelymixed | 17

#6399602 - Wednesday 2 September 2015 1:17

You don't have to take that BULLSHIT. Set that fuckbag on fire and bounce dawg.

Reply

littlekellilee | 45

#6399657 - Wednesday 2 September 2015 2:47

Wow, I hope no one fires you.

Reply

TheNewGuy03 | 28

#6400272 - Wednesday 2 September 2015 22:19

Set him on fire...?! Why, that's not extreme in the slightest...

Reply

Jowisee | 29

#6400309 - Wednesday 2 September 2015 23:21

Pretty sure it was a joke guys...

Reply

attitudenasty | 8

#6400635 - Thursday 3 September 2015 5:22

F*ck wrong wichu