Kids: Today, I saw my sister after three days away. When I went to...

By SabriLittleRed - United States - San Francisco

Today, I saw my sister after three days away. When I went to get in the car with her, she told me I had to sit in the back, because her teddy rides in front now. She was serious. I've already been replaced by a stuffed bear. FML

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SabriLittleRed tells us more :

Heyy guys, I'm the OP, & no, I didn't do anything to her first. The bear was a gift from her bf. I thought she was joking at first, & was kinda surprised & hurt she actually made me sit in the back. I enjoyed all your puns; they were ”beary” funny, lol. Happy New Years Everyone!! :D

Kids

They targeted gamers. GAMERS.

The geyser

Let's go girls!

By Innocent - New Zealand

Today, someone drove into my car at an intersection and drove off. Luckily, I got the car's registration plate and called the cops on them. Turns out, it was my boyfriend's brother's girlfriend, who was illegally driving without a license. Now everyone's mad at me for getting her in trouble. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/3/2021 15:30 - United States - Alachua

Purr Evil

Today, I was awakened at 5:30 a.m. Did my dog need to go out? No. Did my alarm go off? No. My neighbor's asshole cat was on my window AC, scratching at my window, before pissing on the AC and jumping off. If I turn it on, my bedroom will reek of cat piss. The high today will be near 90. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mantua

Today, I told my dog to give me the stick he had in his mouth so I could throw it for him. After I picked it up I realized it was a dried-out piece of shit. FML

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By geeklove - United States

Today, I got a Facebook message from the school genius/nerd, who I have never talked to. He politely informed me that after much thought and deliberation, he has narrowed it down to who his ideal mate is. Me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was telling my students that it's unnecessary to put arrows on the bottom of the page to tell me there's work on the back, I check it anyway. At the end of the day, at least 6 kids came up to me asking to change their grade because I forgot to grade the back. They hadn't put arrows. FML

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By Sandra - Ireland

Today, I got talking to a really hot guy at a party. He told me that he was only here because he heard the host would sleep with anyone, and he and his buddies had a bet going. It was my party. FML

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By Shitsuo01 - United States - Douglasville

Today, I noticed a small bite on my arm. I couldn't figure out what it came from until I saw a small insect crawling out of my bra. FML

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By ahhh - United States - Northbrook

Today, my boyfriend of 2 months and I had sex for the first time last night. This afternoon he texted me saying, "I had an amazing night with you yesterday." Following that text he said, "I forgot to tell you I have an STD." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, for the first time in years, I worked up the nerve to ask a work friend if they wanted to hang out sometime. They winced, and said they were busy that day. I hadn't specified a day. FML

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By YankeeDoodle - Australia

Today, I discovered my employer is advertising for a contractor position within my team performing basically the same role as myself. Except the pay is seven times more. FML

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By Megan - United States

Today, after my boyfriend promised he wasn't cheating on me, I ran into him at our favorite coffee shop with the girl I suspected him of cheating with. When I confronted them, he acted like he didn't know me. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my band played for our school. We were cheered for and everything. Being the lead singer I tried to look cool and push the mic away and pull it back by pushing down the bottom of the stand with my foot. It hit my face and I bled like crazy but I kept singing. No one clapped at the end. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I got up at 8am and didn't take a shower so I could hear the postman at the door. He never came. I stink. FML

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By Bloop - United States - Ayer

Today, my girlfriend changed our cable subscription to include MTV. This made us lose the only channel I care about: HBO. Goodbye Game of Thrones, hello Teen Mom. FML

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By Worstjob - United States

Today, I started my job as a high school janitor. A student decided to welcome me by taking a dump in the urinal. FML

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By thewordsicantsay - Canada

Today, while waiting to do a presentation in class I felt someone flick my back, but when I turned around no one was there. It wasn't until I got up in front of the whole class that I felt my bra slowly sliding down my body. Turns out that the "flick" I felt was actually my bra clasp busting open. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a hummingbird somehow got into my house. I spent two and a half hours trying to get it out after finally using a blanket to catch it. I run outside to release it from my hands, and it flew back into my house. FML

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By Anonymous - Philippines - Makati

Today, I realized that my five-year-old daughters are deranged psychopaths, when one of them started screaming to get my attention while the other pulled the car door shut on my fingers. FML

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By huj - United States

Today, I was on an airplane, riding in first class for the first time in my life. The man next to me turned to me just before takeoff, stared at my chest, and said that he hoped there would be severe turbulence. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, this guy I like let me wear his favorite baseball hat that he never takes off. I returned it to him later, only to find out I have lice. FML

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By bobbies - United States

Today, I was telling my sister about how I am horribly depressed and how I can't function and she responded with, "Oh, shit! I've got to go Jeopardy is on!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I returned home from a month long trip overseas to find that my bird sitter has trained my parrot to whisper, "You're going to die" in a sinister voice. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my friend was extremely constipated when he used my toilet. I'm now having to go buy a new toothbrush, because he used mine to dig out his shit. FML

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By justmyluck5150 - United States

Today, I told the doctor that one of my ribs sticks out farther than the other. When I lifted my shirt to show him, he immediately laughed and said, "Whoa, that's not subtle is it!" As if I wasn't already insecure about it. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2020 19:58

Be prepared

Today, I'm in Ibiza. My period came early and had nothing but face masks to use as sanitary towels. Then, the closest thing to period knickers I could find was in a souvenir shop, which on the arse reads, "What happens in Ibiza belongs in Ibiza." FML

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By PeppermintPenny

Been There

Today, a coworker and I had our second date at my place. He wanted to show me pictures of himself in some club, where he had been a member in highschool. He started typing his name into the google search bar and it suggested his name from when I had googled him months ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Montebello

Today, my soon-to-be stepson, 13, decided that he and I needed to spend "more quality time" together. His idea? We should start "bonding" by taking a bath together. When I said no, he told me I was being unfair, and that if I really loved him, I'd do it. FML

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By Embarressed... - United Kingdom

Today, I was babysitting for my mum's friend. I put her little boy on my knee, and he kept pulling at my top. I asked him "are you hungry?" He replied "No, I want to see your titties." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Buffalo

Today, I finally password-protected my phone, to protect it from my friends' favorite game: stealing it and sending stupid texts, and hijacking my Facebook. They quickly found a new game. My phone is now locked for 24 hours due to too many attempts to guess the password. FML

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By sisterofthebride - United States

Today, my sister and her new husband invited our family and my fiancé over to look at their wedding pictures. Turns out, I caught the bouquet and flashed the world in the process. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Lakeland

Today, I decided it was time to start looking for my own place and finally gain my full independence. My mom agreed happily without hesitation, which was surprising, but not anywhere near as surprising as finding out I have one day to get my shit together and leave. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dearborn

Today, I was counselling a soon-to-be teen mom. She has a younger step-brother, and when I asked her how she handled him when he cries, she said, "Oh, that's when you cover their face until they stop!" FML

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By MemoKrosav - Mexico - Matamoros

Today, I had the most uncomfortable feeling in my socks, but I didn't care to check. It wasn't until I got home that I realized that the feeling was a small thin piece of glass that was slowly cutting away at the bottom of my foot. I still don't know how it got there. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my parents' divorce was finalized, and my mother decided to publicly celebrate with a bikini wax. She calls it her "Declaration of Independence". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend got scared of a fly, freaked out, and accidentally punched me in the face. FML

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By Bubba - United States

Today, I bought a fish bowl and a fish for $15. I brought him home and sat him on my desk. Everything was going well until the shelf gave out and his bowl slid off of the shelf... onto my $2,000 computer. The computer is fried and is not covered by the insurance, the fish is fine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my lawyer threatened to sue me because I can't afford his bill, which he sent to me after getting me out of a lawsuit. FML

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By drivencrazy - United States

Today, while driving, a girl on her cellphone cut me off. A second later, another person behind me on a cellphone rear ended me. Her excuse was, "I'm sorry, you weren't there a minute ago!" FML

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By erockinthesuburb - United States - Algonquin

Today, I was stopped and searched by a cop, and he quickly found the bag of weed in my pocket. He didn't arrest or fine me, but he did confiscate my weed and told me to "get lost." Pretty sure I just got legally mugged. FML

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By Chad - United States

Today, my wife bought $80 worth of Glee songs on iTunes. FML

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Top comments

By SabriLittleRed | 25

#5813690 - Thursday 2 January 2014 6:46

Heyy guys, I'm the OP, & no, I didn't do anything to her first.
The bear was a gift from her bf.
I thought she was joking at first, & was kinda surprised & hurt she actually made me sit in the back. I enjoyed all your puns; they were ”beary” funny, lol. Happy New Years Everyone!! :D

By MichellinMan | 20

#5813270 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 22:28

I can just imagine a small teddy bear being blown to white stuffing by an air bag. Oh, THE HORROR.

COMMENTS

By xkore787 | 14

#5813238 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 22:14

Need a bear hug?

StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#5813297 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 22:43

Seems as if people are doing the bare minimum for puns nowadays...

13ky13 | 20

#5813312 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 23:07

I don't know, I thought it was a Koala-tee pun.

HKCgrimmjow | 15

#5813363 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 23:42

Dammit stormfront! It's bear minimum! Don't you understand the pun!

Lilxpie | 18

#5814047 - Thursday 2 January 2014 16:02

You called for a drop bear?

By sterling1113 | 15

#5813239 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 22:15

Maybe she's just holding a grudge for whatever reason and wants to make sure you know your place.
Weird way to cope. Sorry OP. I'm sure she'll come around :P

13ky13 | 20

#5813311 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 23:05

Maybe she's bi-Polar.

sterling1113 | 15

#5813384 - Thursday 2 January 2014 0:00

I dunno, she's acting kind of grizzly.

By PrincessCastiel | 27

#5813240 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 22:15

Kids do the darnest things!

MichellinMan | 20

#5813273 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 22:30

If OP's sister can drive, she's no child.

Maybe a grown woman-child?

McNikk | 15

#5813293 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 22:41

Who said OP's sister could drive?

Dthsapprntc | 23

#5813342 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 23:35

#23; OP did.

By uarudeassbitchyo | 17

#5813241 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 22:16

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By trellz17 | 19

#5813243 - Wednesday 1 January 2014 22:16

Kill the bear.

FMLcommenterer | 13

#5813471 - Thursday 2 January 2014 2:08

No, burn it. Then rip it's head off and wrap it round the mirror. That way the bear can share the car, AND OP gets the front seat. Win win.

I'm sick and twisted I know.