Health: Today, I sat on my own testicles while having a serious and tenderly...

By Anonymous - 31/12/2012 11:16 - United States - Woodinville

Today, I sat on my own testicles while having a serious and tenderly sweet discussion with my fiancée about our future together. We were both crying, but for very different reasons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 384

You deserved it 5 612

Health

Sorry…

Stay safe out there

Wrong place, wrong time

By skyplaysguitar - 30/07/2012 05:56 - United States - Las Cruces

Today, due to my boyfriend teasing me about me possibly having been conceived on a beach because I was born in Hawaii, I finally asked my mom if I really was. She said no, but then told me in detail how much sex on a beach hurts when you get sand up your ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 998

You deserved it 6 414

By Sigh - 19/02/2013 17:13 - United Kingdom - Waltham Abbey

Today, a woman strapped her 8-year-old son into the seat next to me on a transatlantic flight. Thinking they'd been unable to book seats together, I offered to swap seats with her. She said she'd booked it this way intentionally, because he's a "fucking brat" on flights. She was right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 819

You deserved it 2 597

Check yourself before you wreck yourself

By Anonymous - 12/04/2021 02:00

Today, I dumped my girlfriend because she frequently wouldn't answer my texts or phone calls, and not call or message back for days. I felt that bringing it up made me a control freak. I couldn't take it anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 163

You deserved it 288

By TowelSinger - 12/02/2012 08:07

Today, I was at a choir convention, and everyone sings the national anthem outside their rooms each night. I was not informed and took a shower. My roommates opened the door, yanked me out, and locked me out of the room to sing wearing just a towel. The guy down the hall was video taping it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 405

You deserved it 4 178

By just outdone - 31/12/2015 04:45 - United States - Turtle Lake

Today, I've been staying with my parents while I have time off from school. They got drunk and started an entire family fight because my dad made pizza and my mom is lactose intolerant. She insists my dad did it on purpose because "he's an asshole and knows I can't eat cheese." FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 658

You deserved it 1 371

By lea5459 - 20/11/2012 06:47 - United States - Medford

Today, my parents kindly told me what they are getting me for my 18th birthday. An eviction notice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 608

You deserved it 3 415

By Gbeat411 - 25/06/2010 05:09 - United States

Today, I went to boxing and this hot chick asked me if I was wearing a sports cup. I replied yes, when I wasn't. I thought she was going to check with her hand and feel. She checked with her knee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 991

You deserved it 71 079

By oppafucktardstyle - 14/10/2012 20:36 - United States - Waterloo

Today, I had to pick my parents up from the hospital and drive them back home, after they were treated for eating large amounts of cheese that my dad claimed to have "aged" for several years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 417

You deserved it 1 613

By Anonymous - 01/11/2010 17:30 - United States

Today, I drove to the hospital to see my newborn. I went to the room, picked him out of the crate and held him. Then I heard the toilet flush and saw a woman who I didn't know come out. She screamed. My wife was in the room next door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 422

You deserved it 10 315

By awkwardd - 19/05/2011 12:51 - Hong Kong

Today, I went shopping with my cousin. Walking down the road, I heard her say "Can you hold my hand?" I was confused, but thought it was cute, so I held her hand and kept walking. It turns out she'd asked me to hold her bag. We didn't say another word after that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 361

You deserved it 8 043

By georgiana072 - 22/09/2009 07:36 - Philippines

Today, as I was coming out of the ladies' room, I saw a guy glancing at me. A few minutes later, I saw him coming at me at a fast rate. I decided to run from him. As I got out of the building and into a cab, I saw him from the window waving my phone at me. He was just trying to return it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 590

You deserved it 47 380

Nice day for a picnic

By litterbug - 06/07/2021 04:01

Today, I have to go to court to contest a bullshit citation I got in the local park. I’m pregnant and was picnicking with my kids when my toddler ran off. I took off after him, leaving my blanket and food. When I came back, the power tripping park ranger wrote me a ticket for littering. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 255

You deserved it 84

By shocked1 - 07/01/2009 15:22 - Canada

Today, I was doing a local search at SexSearch.com and I found my sister's profile. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 690

You deserved it 10 980

By treehugger - 20/03/2012 09:47 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, since I was grounded, I tried to sneak out of my room to attend a party by climbing out the second-storey window and down the tree. I was unharmed, but I probably should have checked to see if my dad was in the garden before climbing down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 033

You deserved it 49 257

By Eres - 11/02/2011 07:04 - United States

Today, my mom took away my medication. She's afraid I'll get "hooked". The medication is anti-anxiety pills. I have horrible anxiety attacks that sometimes cause me to scratch my arms until they bleed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 109

You deserved it 4 494

By daughter - 18/09/2012 04:25 - Sweden - Vårgårda

Today, I found out that, for over three years, my boyfriend has solely been dating me to get closer to my mom. Apparently, "she's a total MILF." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 690

You deserved it 2 289

Send message

By Tristan - 30/07/2020 02:01

Today, while messaging a possible new hire to set up an interview at my retail job, I meant to say, "Thank you for being flexible" - in regards to scheduling. Instead, it autocorrected to, "Thank you for being delicious." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 216

You deserved it 311

By shamefaced - 07/12/2012 03:11 - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, I dropped my handbag into a water-filled gutter. As I was hurriedly fishing out the contents of my bag, I looked up. There was my ex, with the girl he left me for walking past, timed exactly to coincide with me manically scooping up one of many rapidly absorbing tampons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 477

You deserved it 2 246

By Badday - 23/11/2017 19:00

Today, I received a call from a company attempting to steal me away. Flattered, I told them I liked my job and the answer was no. When I told my boss, he said they're thinking about laying me off and I should've taken the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 421

You deserved it 376

By Hugh_Jankles - 08/01/2010 18:48 - United States

Today, I had the sudden urge to sneeze as I was wiping my ass. Out of instinct, I used my hand to cover my mouth. I never let go of the toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 194

You deserved it 37 204

Flattery will get you nowhere

By Anonymous - 03/02/2021 14:02

Today, my mother told me I've gained so much weight recently, she thinks I should get gastric bypass surgery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 700

You deserved it 192

By notastoner - 19/06/2011 06:38 - United States

Today, I left early from a trashy dance and bought a soda at a Shell station. The clerk asked me if I had been smoking weed. When I replied "No", he said "You mean you always look like that?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 544

You deserved it 5 582

By Anonymous - 23/02/2013 06:28 - United States - Calhan

Today, my brother accidentally hit me in the throat. After I stopped coughing, choking, and feeling like I was going to die, he came back into my room, quietly said "I know your weakness," and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 496

You deserved it 3 429

By do your own ironing - 15/04/2013 04:32

Today, after weeks of insomnia, I fell asleep. This would have been great if my brother didn't wake me up at 3am, screaming because his guild finally took down a raid boss. I'm now grounded for thumping him, and have to do all his chores while sleep deprived. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 759

You deserved it 5 540

By justwantsomeillusionofjustice - 14/08/2017 07:00 - United States - Klamath Falls

Today, I stumbled across my school bully on Facebook. She's a successful business owner and engaged to be married. I can't land a job and am hopelessly single. The b***h that served as the catalyst for my depression and suffered no repercussions is getting married on my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 032

You deserved it 675

By Idle_Twin - 17/05/2015 17:53 - United States - Miami

Today, I was finishing my chest workout at the gym when this really cute girl started using the machine next to me. To impress her, I tried lifting a lot of weight on the barbell. It ended up landing on my neck and she had to help me get it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 902

You deserved it 33 260

Car Wars

By no car - 04/08/2020 17:04

Today, I came outside to leave for work. To my shock and horror my car was gone. My asshole neighbor, who has parked in my spot multiple times decided to let her noisy guests park in my parking spot, so I parked in hers. She had my car towed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 939

You deserved it 361

By Lifetime Presents: - 06/07/2016 11:50 - United States - Southfield

Today, I found out my fiancé is already married. His "crazy ex-wife" is not all that crazy, and is still his wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 477

You deserved it 990

Sixth sense

By RecentCollegeGrad - 17/06/2015 18:09

Today, my mother got heartburn. She claimed she only gets heartburn when she is near a pregnant woman. She threatened to kick me out of the house if I didn't take a pregnancy test, despite there being no way I was pregnant. Turns out, I am pregnant, and my mother's ego has never been bigger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 459

You deserved it 9 882

By ScienceFail - 25/07/2010 19:31 - United States

Today, I tried to open the research paper I've been working on for the past month, only to discover that the entire file is permanently lost and can't be recovered. This is not the first time this has happened to this paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 991

You deserved it 15 904

By Username - 01/04/2011 17:50 - United States

Today, my friend called me at work to tell me that someone had hit my motorcycle and that it was in pretty bad shape. I chuckled and waited for the "April fools" that would follow. A picture of my wrecked bike came instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 925

You deserved it 3 781

By Anonymous - 16/09/2010 06:04 - United States

Today, it was the first day of astronomy class and we all waited for the professor to enter the classroom. All of a sudden, someone turns the lights off, it's pitch black, and we hear the professor saying, "Greetings earthlings..." It's going to be a long semester. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 977

You deserved it 19 704

Soul searching

By Anonymous - 26/07/2021 13:59 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years came out as gay. I guess I know now why sex was infrequent and made me feel like he wasn't attracted to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 086

You deserved it 97

By jane - 09/10/2009 14:04 - Australia

Today, I was pretending to be a monkey for a "documentary". The branch snapped and I fell out of the tree and onto a car roof. It was after school, I fell onto the dean's BMW. The video was on facebook before I regained consciousness. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 367

You deserved it 11 419

By Anonymous - 20/05/2009 15:42 - United States

Today, me and my co-workers were playing with the Helium tank we got today. We were all giggling like little girls for the better half of 15 minutes. I don't know what is more sad, that a bunch of guys were sucking helium instead of working, or that the youngest guy in the group is 43. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 035

You deserved it 15 125

Accidentally?

By Anonymous - 24/06/2021 14:00

Today, my brother sprayed the entire kitchen, including all the dishes, with industrial strength spray adhesive, thinking it was disinfectant. I'm the one who got to clean it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 863

You deserved it 55

By GetMoney - 01/10/2009 01:22 - United States

Today, I realized that 6 months ago I signed up for a 3 day trial for a porn website that turns into a $30 membership after 3 days. I completely forgot the day after and never viewed it. I've spent $180 so far. And I can't remember my password. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 356

You deserved it 66 136

By Anonymous - 06/10/2016 19:01 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, while checking my voicemail, I noticed I had received one from a job that I've been trying to get in for months. Too bad they called two weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 883

You deserved it 8 745

By Medic - 29/10/2012 03:10 - United States - Puyallup

Today, at work as an EMT, I was telling a panicked patient that I would be taking her vital signs. I inadvertently said that I would be taking her vital organs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 536

You deserved it 4 315

By Username - 26/07/2010 02:32 - France

Today, I had been sick all day, so to cheer me up my dad drove me to get ice cream. On our way back, we hit a puppy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 184

You deserved it 4 873

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

mackdeezy 21

Send a private message

Monday 31 December 2012 17:58

Christmas is over OP, why are you still dealing with nutcrackers?

cr3ativity 15

Send a private message

Monday 31 December 2012 17:55

Shit. Another reason why I keep wearing underpants as opposed to boxers.

cr3ativity 15

Send a private message

Monday 31 December 2012 17:55

Shit. Another reason why I keep wearing underpants as opposed to boxers.

shmoelover 13

Send a private message

Monday 31 December 2012 20:15

If only they were as attractive as they are practical.

desoto96 9

Send a private message

Monday 31 December 2012 20:23

41 Boxer briefs. Problem solved.

Shrouds 14

Send a private message

Monday 31 December 2012 23:45

dont buy 5 for 10$ packs at walmart or target and actually look for decent briefs and u'll be surprised how good some look/feel

UncleMuscles 5

Send a private message

Tuesday 1 January 2013 0:16

I got they create shirts that tuck in with attached underpants as to avoid such situations.

connormce10 12

Send a private message

Sunday 16 August 2015 20:05

Boxer Briefs never present me with that issue

erockinthesuburb 17

Send a private message

Monday 31 December 2012 17:57

You would think that should have been a happy conversation, sans the whole testicle-crushing thing...

StalkerChick 13

Send a private message

Monday 31 December 2012 18:02

I think the fiancée was crying tears of joy. "Tenderly sweet discussion"

coolkitty154 11

Send a private message

Sunday 9 June 2013 2:08

I interpreted it as OP's fiancee crying from laughing too hard, haha.

mackdeezy 21

Send a private message

Monday 31 December 2012 17:58

Christmas is over OP, why are you still dealing with nutcrackers?

Sunkistlover718 21

Send a private message

Monday 31 December 2012 23:48

Some people just get wrapped up in the season, I suppose.

hawright 13

Send a private message

Monday 31 December 2012 17:58

I have one really low slung testicle and this happens all the time. It hurts like hell. I feel your pain.

cr3ativity 15

Send a private message

Monday 31 December 2012 18:00

Wear underpants my friend.

SoMuchSnailGame 3

Send a private message

Monday 31 December 2012 18:01

same. I figured my best option was to wrap it around my leg and staple it to my quad

Shrouds 14

Send a private message

Monday 31 December 2012 23:40

thats when wearing the boxers u wore back in middle school need to be upgraded. Briefs and Boxer Briefs from companies other the hanes and FotL are actually better fitting/looking. CK, CIn2 and Aussie Bum are some of my favorites

cgchamp89 7

Send a private message

Monday 31 December 2012 18:00

I don't understand how you managed that... Hope your fiancée takes care of them for you.

mikeymayhem_87 15

Send a private message

Monday 31 December 2012 21:29

Then you have no nuts, sir!

cgchamp89 7

Send a private message

Monday 31 December 2012 21:55

You're nuts must hang low and wobble to and fro... I guess mine don't :(

TheChiver 7

Send a private message

Monday 31 December 2012 18:00

Sensitive in more than one way apparently.

theslimshadylp 6

Send a private message

Monday 31 December 2012 18:05

I have yet to sit on my own nuts in my short life and I hope I never do...

Krystallkitty13 1

Send a private message

Monday 31 December 2012 18:07

So... Shift your position? Don't just keep sitting there?

OhzTP 7

Send a private message

Monday 31 December 2012 18:47

You can't understand the duration and intensity of the pain of sitting on your testicles without having them.

rockstar362 8

Send a private message

Monday 31 December 2012 18:09

Dump herrrrr!!! ***sarcastically portraying people who give such advice on other FMLs***

Zomg_Okay 26

Send a private message

Monday 31 December 2012 18:26

On other FMLs, there is at least a reason for the dump comments. All OP did was sit on his own balls.

rockstar362 8

Send a private message

Monday 31 December 2012 18:45

yeaaa that was quite a stretch huh

viagradoesntwork 7

Send a private message

Monday 31 December 2012 18:47

Rockstar is gay

rockstar362 8

Send a private message

Monday 31 December 2012 18:48

Says Viagra doesn't work LOL you use Viagra? pusssyyyyyyy. And what are you trying to say about the homosexual community?

Schizomaniac 24

Send a private message

Monday 31 December 2012 18:53

Is it? Is it gay, 28? Is Rockstar emotionally or sexually attracted to other Rockstars of the same sex? So what if it is? Maybe Rockstar grew up being judged for it. Maybe Rockstar longs for acceptance and just wants to be loved, but its conservative parents tell it that it has an illness. Shame on you.

rockstar362 8

Send a private message

Monday 31 December 2012 19:06

Thanks 32, to clarify the rockstar in my name is referring to the energy drink. and I am not homosexual but I definitely do support such discrimination