Today, I realized my family is the textbook definition of redneck after listening to my grandpa threaten to smash with an excavator the trailer that my uncle lives in behind our house if he didn't return the set of tires he had stolen and pawned from my grandpa's garage. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my uncle drove to my house in his tractor, beer in one hand, and a radio strapped to the dash blasting country music at unimaginable volume. Neither of us live on a farm. Half the neighborhood stood angrily glaring at us until we went inside. FML
Today, while having a screaming argument with my son in our front yard, I suddenly realized we are "that white trash family" in the neighborhood. FML
Today, I went with my family to go see a notoriously creepy abandoned house. We noticed the people had left a lot of stuff behind so we loaded up the car with books, records, etc. As we were leaving, we saw the family who lived there drive up. I robbed a house with my grandma. FML
Today, my dad forced me to take part in a pathetic act of revenge against our neighbors, who keep parking their 4x4 in front of our house. He made me stand watch while he kept trying to slash their tires. An hour later, we were waiting for my mom to bail us out of jail. FML
Today, my idiot redneck next door neighbor decided to throw an empty whipped cream spray can into a fire to watch it explode and scare half the neighborhood. That idiot redneck next door neighbor is also my 65 year-old dad. FML
Today, my grandpa was visiting. My neighbors started blasting out rap music, as they've done nearly 24/7 for months, telling me to fuck off when I complain. He went over and screamed he'd gut them like fish if they didn't pipe down. They did. He's 68 and still more intimidating than me. FML
Today, my redneck mother, who I parted ways from years ago, found out I became wealthy in my 30s so she turned up at my house, thinking she could just move in. Then she tried to demand the money I owed for giving birth to me, and camped on my lawn until I called the cops, FML
Today, I offered to help out at my grandpa's farm, and he had me load buckets of water into his trunk. When he came by and saw me struggling to lift a bucket, he sneered, called me a moron for filling it up before putting it in the truck, and told me to just go home. FML
Today, after recently complaining that the reality show "The Great Norway Adventure" portrays us as a country of nationalistic rednecks, I saw my drunk dad chasing my uncle on a tractor while bellowing the national anthem at the top of his lungs. FML
Today, my parents said that we're never going to see our grandparents again because my grandpa hit my asshole little brother with a belt for calling him a boomer. I love my grandparents so much but my parents won't listen. FML
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Top comments
MrClean17 15
*banjo noise in background*
robotiick7 23
Does your grandpa sit in a rocking chair in front with a shotgun in his lap?
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Comments (82)
wvcheesehead1 9
Everyone has their own family idiocy with which they have to deal. I am of hillbilly lineage and my family could only aspire to such mild ignorance as what op described. But hillbillies and rednecks are mostly good people, it is just that the bad ones get all of the press.
buckdharma 38
Let me tell you a story bout a uncle named Jed Stole 4 mountaineers with very little tread Then 1 day in the act of being lewd Through the side of his house came a 10 ton Komatsu (digs swimin pools, crushes cars)
LyraAlluse 25
This sounds like the beginning to a really bad country song.
pattayarick 8
Is your sister also your girlfriend? If so, then you are a redneck.
an3ph 20
Every phrase of that sentence could be a "You might be a redneck" joke.
wvcheesehead1 9
FYI the term redneck derived from the red bandanas worn around the necks of union coal miners during the mine wars in southern WV. Jeff Foxworthy stole the term and redefined it as a "glorious absence of sophistication."
Lacist 19
Either I'm a bad reader, or this was really hard for me to read without any commas, especially the part with the excavator.
wynnona 17
Omg it sounds like an episode of hillbillies gone wild.
MysticMonkey 9
LOL 1# i have an image in my head of a toothless old man playing it.
MysticMonkey 9
Gave me a good laugh aswell. Thanks #1