Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time over... - FML

By str3tch - 3/4/2009 20:48 - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time over dinner. In order to make a good impression I was as polite as possible and tried to be as engaging as I could. Near the end of dinner my girlfriend's mom says, "I liked your old boyfriend better." FML

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Cold-blooded old times

Compassion

Yappy neighborhood

By Anonymous - 30/3/2020 17:00

Run for the hills!

Today, my girlfriend asked me the details for al-Qaeda's plan during 9/11 for an essay. I had no idea and she said she just expected me to know, since I'm "one of those people." I'm Iranian. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2014 17:39 - Canada - Barrie

Today, on my first day at as a photo editor at a print store, I had to spend over an hour editing a full shoot of a fat man eating a baguette in a bathtub, closeups included. FML

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By brooke - 13/8/2012 04:45 - United States

Today, while out at dinner with my boyfriend, I accidentally ripped out my tampon picking a wedgie. FML

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By Fmycar - 26/9/2009 05:19 - United States

Today, my football team played in a game against our rival school that was just a few blocks away. We hadn't lost the game in exactly 49 years, we were playing for the 50th year win. We lost 63-0, and got booed off the field by our own crowd. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2010 21:32 - United States

Today, I went on a drive with my girlfriend when we went past a 'Dead End' sign. She pointed to it and said it was "Foreshadowing our relationship". FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2019 16:00

Venus in Furs

Today, my boyfriend asked my dad why he gave me the nickname "Bear," which he has called me since I was very little. My dad responded, "Because she has a hairy back." FML

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By hcfan - 14/4/2009 11:18 - Australia

Today, a customer came in to the Pizza store where I work and complained that the food they had purchased had a strand of black hair in it. After some deliberation, my boss decided to fire me. He is the only staff member there with black hair. I shaved my hair 2 weeks ago. FML

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By Lizzy - 11/11/2016 03:01

Today, I tried to make things less awkward by complimenting my Tai Chi partner's ring and he says, "Thanks, it's a purity ring!" I said, "I used to have one of those. Would you believe me if I said I lost it in a river?" Now my entire Tai Chi class thinks I lost my virginity in a river. FML

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By M3DO - 3/8/2016 01:04

Today, I got called for a job that I applied to 2 months ago, just to ask me if I had an older brother that could work for them. FML

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By 30Jenna - 13/7/2011 22:01 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me on my Facebook wall. 27 people liked it. FML

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By Marriedtoajew - 3/1/2018 19:00

True Love

Today, while in the hospital recovering from surgery, I got into a fight with my wife. Apparently, she feels that I shouldn’t have gone to the hospital because “Funerals cost less than surgery.” She brought an extremely detailed spreadsheet to prove it. FML

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By lawl - 7/5/2011 13:25 - Canada

Today, my date asked if I could drive his friend home before we went out for breakfast. His friend had blonde hair, big boobs and wore a skimpy black dress. He wasn't 100% sure of her name. I guess I drove home my date's one night stand. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/1/2014 22:46 - United Kingdom - Preston

Today, I had an upset stomach all day at work. When lunch break came, I rushed to the bathroom. Just as I turned into an unstoppable human whoopie cushion, a co-worker walked in. He heard the entire arse symphony, and just asked "What the fuck, dude?!" as he left. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/1/2010 11:48 - United States

Today, I woke up and felt that my arm was sore. I got so drunk last night, I got an unprofessional tattoo of a penis. FML

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By amore89 - 28/7/2019 12:00

Today, I was with my dad at the supermarket and this guy was checking me out. My dad yells at him with a grin, "I know! I make beautiful babies!" FML

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By Loser - 21/8/2013 15:17 - United States

Today, I got my girlfriend to play Smash Bros Brawl with me. As it was her first time, I set up handicaps to give her at least a shot at winning. She won, quite handily. A little irritated at this, I took off the handicaps and tried again. She beat me even faster. FML

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By Kira - 24/4/2015 17:09 - Canada - Halifax

Today, I was spending some time alone out in the countryside, when I glanced at my boot. I saw a snake, screamed, ran like hell for my car, tripped over my own feet, and smashed my kneecaps. Upon further inspection, I realized the "snake" was my loose shoelace. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2014 02:52

Today, I went to an auction for the first time. When the run-down house I wanted to bid for came up, I opened bidding at £12,000 and surprisingly won. Feeling pleased, I turned to the person next to me and said, "Lucky me!" She replied, "Yes, lucky you!" and then under her breath said, "Cockhead". FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2011 05:14 - United States

Today, I was on a drive with my uncle. We saw a dead deer on the side of the road and expressed our pity for it. Then a squirrel runs across the road and my uncle swerves toward the squirrel, laughing hysterically and yelling, "Run rodent run." FML

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By - 11/3/2019 22:00

Today, I organized a party at my place, invited 20 people, bought snacks and cancelled my workout. Nobody showed up. I ended up eating a whole ciabatta alone. FML

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By sadmother - 1/7/2011 23:12 - Canada

Today, I asked my daughter what time it was. She stared at the clock for several seconds before muttering, "I don't know". She's 14 years old and on the honour roll, and yet she can't tell the time on an analogue clock. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2019 12:00

Overreaction much?

Today, my boyfriend's mum yelled at me for, "nagging Stephen to get married when he isn't ready." I mentioned marriage once. At my sister's wedding. When prompted by my grandmother. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2011 04:30 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was over at my house for the first time. I told her I had to go take a shower, and from the other room my grandmother yells "you're not going to jack off this time are you?" FML

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By Macy - 11/6/2011 20:36 - Italy

Today, I found cigarette butts at the bottom of the toaster. My mother has been dropping them in there for I don't know how long. FML

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By Username - 3/8/2011 03:33 - United States

Today, I quit smoking. It seems that when you don't smoke for almost 24 hours, your sense of smell comes back. I then noticed how disgusting my apartment smells. Great. FML

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By sdasdflkjas - 30/5/2009 04:24 - United States

Today, while the kid I was babysitting was in the bathroom, he called to me "I need some help in here." Worried I ran to the bathroom and asked him what was wrong. He needed me to wipe his butt. As if that weren't gross enough, just as my hand was under his butt, he pooped again and laughed. FML

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By notinterested - 13/9/2011 10:11 - United States

Today, my husband dropped his pants and said, "Why don't you go down and say hello." This is his idea of foreplay. FML

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By nV1ous - 17/9/2009 18:41 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I went to a bar during Irishfest. When I returned to my girlfriend she was crying and told me that this guy pushed her. I confronted the guy and poured my beer on him who just happened to be the chief of police. He was trying to make room for a guy in a wheelchair. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2010 21:44 - United States

Today, I came home to find my younger daughter left her silly band collection on the carpet in front of the fireplace. I now have melted unicorns and princesses stuck in my carpet. FML

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By socargone - 17/1/2017 22:00

Today, I'm so bad at parking that I saw the guy next to me openly cringe as I pulled into a spot. FML

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By hugs511 - 25/7/2009 04:21 - United States

Today, I spent my date night babysitting. After waiting three hours later than I was supposed, the mother finally gets home at 11, too late for me to get out and have any fun. Already annoyed, I take the money as she says, "I hope this is enough, I got hungry and spent some of your money." FML

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By Unwanted - 3/11/2015 19:10 - Austria

Today, my boyfriend declared he doesn't feel ready to move in with me for at least "some more years". We have already been together for five years. When he bought an apartment one year ago, he kept it a secret for three months. Maybe I should learn to take a hint. Or several hints. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2015 15:06 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was so sleep-deprived, I thought a white car driving toward me was a polar bear. I screamed like a little girl and started panicking. I live in California. FML

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By missy - 9/3/2009 22:54 - United States

Today, my mother told me she needed a urine sample to send in to the doctors to test for any allergies. I did what she had asked and went to my room. I came down stairs later and found her in the bathroom putting my pee on a pregnancy test stick. FML

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By fmylife7721 - 3/7/2011 05:51 - Canada

Today, I jokingly told my girlfriend that sperm kills acne, she laughed and said "so that's how you got rid of yours so fast" then continued to text all her friends and tell them. FML

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By ShittyProposal - 20/10/2013 07:06 - United States - Columbus

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years drunkenly proposed to me, while sitting on the crapper, with the door open. FML

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By Diblo - 28/11/2019 04:00 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Diblo's story

Today, I was in a middle school for work experience. One of the teachers was reading the class I was in a story about a man called Diblo. Innocent enough, right? Nope. He repeatedly misread it as Dildo for the entire passage. The kids laughed. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2018 20:30

Today, I got a check for $100 for a random selecting at work. My boyfriend’s reaction? Light it on fire out of jealously. FML

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By OiVey - 1/11/2017 18:30 - United States - Padre Island Ntl Seashor

Today, I found out that I've been taking the wrong math class all semester. We're only a few weeks from finals and I have no drops left. FML

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By scooter922 - 15/7/2012 07:45 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I got home from the hospital after I burned my hand. Why? I dropped my phone in the pot while stirring hot soup, and I reached in to get it. FML

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Top comments

By Jcsati8 | 0

#80820 - Saturday 4 April 2009 2:50

You should have replied "Well obviously, your daughter likes me better, so suck on that!"

By eitak | 0

#80827 - Saturday 4 April 2009 2:52

Don't worry, you're not dating the mom. Follow your heart.

Comments

By geesquared | 0

#80804 - Saturday 4 April 2009 2:48

First comment! Your girlfriend's mom is a bitch.

By choppedNskrewed | 0

#80809 - Saturday 4 April 2009 2:48

tht sucksss...what an obnoxious mom!

(second)

By Jcsati8 | 0

#80820 - Saturday 4 April 2009 2:50

You should have replied "Well obviously, your daughter likes me better, so suck on that!"

Reply

tpm45 | 25

#5955164 - Saturday 24 May 2014 20:13

Thank you for not saying "third."

By eitak | 0

#80827 - Saturday 4 April 2009 2:52

Don't worry, you're not dating the mom. Follow your heart.

By Serial | 2

#80833 - Saturday 4 April 2009 2:54

you should of thrown your dinner at her face and said "there, i made you better looking"

Reply

averageirishman | 0

#1037719 - Monday 21 June 2010 3:11

I liked my old girlfriends mom better.

By JakedGr8 | 0

#80846 - Saturday 4 April 2009 2:58

Ouch, I'd just be like "well you're in for quite a surprise". and show her!

By ello_ello | 0

#80847 - Saturday 4 April 2009 2:59

"I am going to treat your daughter like a ragdoll tonight" that would have got a reaction

By hardcoremax | 0

#80854 - Saturday 4 April 2009 3:00

lmao @ number 5
and number 3
and 4 is right, follow your heart

By twilax101 | 0

#80871 - Saturday 4 April 2009 3:04

No, the FML is actually: "Today, I said out loud that i liked my daughters previous boyfriend better than her current one. FML."

By Zoa_fml | 0

#80899 - Saturday 4 April 2009 3:11

Seriously...why do moms have to be like that?!! Obviously their son/daughter is dating someone for a reason, and they should just be happy and non-judgmental, and just support whatever makes their child happy!