Work: Today, I had a booth at a very expensive craft show. My grandma... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7

You deserved it 2

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 218

You deserved it 56

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 113

You deserved it 1 027

18/11/2012 10:02

Today, I had a booth at a very expensive craft show. My grandma came to show her support. While there, she managed to knock over my display, get in the way of potential buyers and take down a rather old lady when she supposedly stumbled. This all happened in the first five minutes she was there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 399

You deserved it 1 968

You tried

Mama's boy

Furry family

10/12/2011 06:28

Today, I had to jump into my car while it was still moving. Apparently, just because you put it in park and turn it off, doesn't mean it won't take off towards a ditch without warning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 967

You deserved it 8 795

15/10/2015 06:24

Today, my mom ended up having a midlife crisis. She decided it was finally time to get those tight leather pants that she has always wanted, and is now planning on putting a stripper pole in her room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 489

You deserved it 2 027

18/01/2009 16:30

Spicy

Today, I decided to jack it a few times because I haven't been laid in a while. After round 3 my ex called me up and said she wanted to 'talk.' When she came over she made it abundantly clear that she wanted to make whoopie. Couldn't get it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 898

You deserved it 42 077

20/06/2014 22:05

Today, my dad told me that I was conceived while he and my mother were high on LSD. He then stared into the distance, mumbled "Probably explains a few things" and chuckled to himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 367

You deserved it 4 139

26/07/2012 10:42

Today, I was mugged. Not for a laptop, cell phone or money, but for the cupcake I was eating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 348

You deserved it 2 690

12/06/2011 11:46

Today, I went into work for the first time without make-up. My boss thought I looked so tired and ill that he sent me home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 924

You deserved it 8 035

06/02/2015 23:00

Today, I experienced the horror of walking in on my best friend fondling his tits. Yes, "his". FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 738

You deserved it 3 243

04/06/2018 20:30

Today, like most days, I spent my lunch break with a sandwich in one hand while typing with the other, trying to keep up with my work load, while my coworker took a nap. We're supposed to be doing the same job, but he refuses to learn most of the software. The boss is fine with this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 658

You deserved it 363

10/01/2010 07:59

Today, I was trying to show my boyfriend how to shake my iPod to shuffle songs. When I went to shake it, it flew out of my hand and hit him in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 899

You deserved it 28 509

Hangry sex

By Krissy - 06/04/2012 02:11

Spicy

Today, during sex, my boyfriend stopped and asked if he could eat a sandwich while we do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 065

You deserved it 4 828

13/06/2018 12:00

Today, I started my first overnight shift at the penitentiary. This was also the night the offenders decided to riot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 287

You deserved it 216

Freudian slip

By MollyMadamme - 01/02/2011 00:33

Spicy

Today, I decided to wake my fiancé up by giving him a blowjob. When he finally started to wake up he called me by his ex's name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 819

You deserved it 6 318

20/06/2017 02:00

Spicy

Today, I'm laying in my holiday apartment with the patio doors open, listening to the german man next door take dirty pics of his wife on the balcony. I'm too scared to get up and shut the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 937

You deserved it 1 023

08/05/2010 10:07

Spicy

Today, my family and I went to the mall. We all split up in a department store to shop for our own clothes. While shopping, I caught my dad feeling up a mannequin in the back corner of the store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 130

You deserved it 3 646

16/02/2011 14:26

Today, lice were found in my hair. At the hair salon. I'm now banned from that salon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 477

You deserved it 12 334

13/04/2016 02:10

Today, my new neighbor offered to "humanely capture and relocate" the squirrels in my attic. He then "humanely" shot at them with a BB gun, and the "relocated" them into his stomach once they were killed. Welcome to the neighborhood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 738

You deserved it 2 513

26/07/2011 23:19

Today, I went with my boyfriend to the OC fair. He was taking a picture of me in front of a giant mechanical butterfly at the insect exhibit. Playfully, he told me to pretend to be a butterfly, so I quickly lifted my arms, just in time to slap a 7 year old girl in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 682

You deserved it 5 996

26/01/2014 04:29

Today, while driving home, my 3-year-old daughter told me she had to poop. I told her that she would have to wait until we got home. When we got home, she pulled down her pants and shat on the floor, because, "I'm home now." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 873

You deserved it 10 096

15/12/2017 10:00

Today, my girlfriend got paid by the richest guy in our school to go to the Winter Formal with him. She took up the offer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 142

You deserved it 491

The climate is whack

By fax4voice3 - 03/03/2021 11:01

Today, it was an unusually warm day after many weeks of typical subfreezing temperatures, so my family and I went for a walk in the park. We all came back with mosquito bites. FML

I agree, your life sucks 690

You deserved it 187

16/11/2009 07:32

Today, I went to pick my date up at her house. When I got to the door, her dad answered. We talked for a little bit and he told me to take his 1958 Corvette. I politely refused and he told me, "If I can trust you with my daughter, I can trust you with my car." I crashed into his mailbox. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 607

You deserved it 40 086

28/04/2016 14:57

Spicy

Today, I put some of my wife's eucalyptus oil in my bath to make it relaxing. I soon found out the amount I used was about 100 times more than you're supposed to use. It took an hour of burning agony to find out the only way to get even a hint of relief was to cover my nuts in yoghurt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 766

You deserved it 5 210

10/01/2017 23:23

Today, I had to make a Twitter account, because that is apparently the best way to get news from our new president. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 543

You deserved it 1 562

08/10/2015 14:46

Today, an elderly gentleman customer decided to tell me that while I'm not attractive at all, he'd still bang me all the same. Then he gave me a pained smile, like he was struggling not to shit himself, and left. I'm starting to hate working retail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 508

You deserved it 1 606

It was yummy

By lilviss - 11/12/2019 14:00

Today, I found maggots in the ketchup on my sausage. Too bad I had already eaten half of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 821

You deserved it 234

Blackmail material

By Anonymous - 03/01/2021 05:01

Today, I was staying at a hotel and had a night terror. I woke up, yelled, "Fuck!" and realized I had shit the bed. I'd woken up my teenage daughter, who now knows I shit the bed in the middle night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 894

You deserved it 161

21/05/2019 04:00

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I had the wildest sex we'd ever had. I was on top of him and started going at it like crazy. I was close to finishing when the Mortal Kombat phrase "FINISH HIM!" popped into my head. It wasn't until I saw a weird look on his face that I realized I'd said it out loud. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 137

You deserved it 804

23/08/2010 23:28

Today, I was driving home with my dad after buying a new truck. We were on the freeway and the engine wasn't revving up very much. My dad thought that something was wrong with my transmission, so he reached over to change gears. Most cars won't go into reverse at high speeds. Mine does. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 148

You deserved it 3 109

23/10/2009 04:22

Today, I was walking down the street in downtown Charleston where there are a lot of horse-drawn carriage tours and I decided to pick up some litter. Some of it was in a puddle of water, but after I picked up the trash, I realized the puddle was horse urine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 148

You deserved it 9 336

24/12/2009 05:54

Today, I flew my wife, myself and three kids to pay a surprise visit to my parents who were going to be alone for Christmas. When we arrived, we found out they decided to go on vacation. We have nowhere to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 342

You deserved it 27 951

10/02/2010 06:39

Today, I received multiple phone calls asking how much my Siamese cat cost. Too bad I never had a Siamese cat - let alone a Siamese cat up for sale. Turns out the guy I prank phone called the other day didn't appreciate it and put my number on Craigslist with an add for a Siamese cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 245

You deserved it 59 018

29/06/2016 14:42

Today, my dad might be dead. I'm basing this solely on the fact that he hasn't called recently to verbally abuse me as he often does. He constantly beat me as a child, yet now I'm kind of worried for the piece of shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 235

You deserved it 1 227

23/01/2012 02:59

Today, my long lost father came to visit me. He got drunk, then tried to beat me up. My neighbor called the police, and as soon as they got there, my father yelled, "Help! This man tried to stab me!" The sad part is, they believed him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 523

You deserved it 2 123

It's just me

By Anonymous - 20/02/2020 01:00

Today, I stopped by my elderly mother’s house to drop off some groceries. I decided to clean the place while I was there, just to be nice. In true Three Bears fashion, I fell asleep on the couch. I was awoken by a police officer pointing his gun at me. My mom woke up and thought I was a burglar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 015

You deserved it 305

Man vs. Wild

By Marjo86 - 27/09/2019 20:00

Today, I got stung by a hornet. I asked my mum to pass me my allergy medication, but she refused, because they were my brother's, saying "he's allergic to bees and wasps!" No mum, wrong kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 909

You deserved it 93

21/02/2010 06:08

Spicy

Today, I decided to not go to a strip club for the second Saturday in a row, because I didn't want to appear desperate in front of the strippers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 341

You deserved it 23 280

13/12/2011 17:24

Today, I took my last final on a Scantron sheet with 200 multiple choice questions, with seconds to spare. When I finished the last question, I saw I had another bubble to fill in and I didn't know where I screwed up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 645

You deserved it 6 121

03/01/2010 16:35

Today, I was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling with the lights off. It was 1AM, and I'd just finished watching a scary movie, so I was a little paranoid. I was about to fall asleep, when an eerie light lit the room. I jumped, got tangled in the sheets, and hit my head against the bed frame. Where'd the light come from? Not a space ship. Not someone breaking in. It was my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 541

You deserved it 29 108

12/05/2009 05:48

Today, I had a really important job interview, and as i was about to leave for it my mom told me to remember to make eye contact. As I was walking in, it was the only thing I could think about, so looking directly at him my foot hits a lip in the floor and my head slams into his desk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 837

You deserved it 7 725

22/12/2011 05:31

Today, I realized that I've been intentionally causing arguments with my husband because the spare bed is more comfortable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 446

You deserved it 36 957

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Sunday 18 November 2012 16:37

I bet you wish "grandma got run over by a reindeer" right about now.

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Sunday 18 November 2012 16:40

I guess she didn't tell you that she had a competing booth at the other side of the show. That's pure sabotage. Grandma: 1 You: 0

Comments

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Sunday 18 November 2012 16:37

I bet you wish "grandma got run over by a reindeer" right about now.

imaginaryvoice 18

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Sunday 18 November 2012 19:37

Grandma loves you, sweetie

sens3sfailing 24

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Monday 19 November 2012 2:42

#1- that's what next years sculpture is going to be of, either grandma will get the hint, or it will get sold for a lot, because let's face it, art is just...yeah that's about it...anything you fucking want it to be. Guess that's the beauty of it, but also the part that confounds me the most.

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Sunday 18 November 2012 16:37

"supposedly" translated to English, she did it on purpose to ruin your chances?

Rowdey 10

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Sunday 18 November 2012 16:42

Hence why it says "supposedly"...

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Sunday 18 November 2012 16:50

Learning words on FML is fun eh

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Sunday 18 November 2012 16:58

More effective than dictionary.com people

Rowdey 10

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Sunday 18 November 2012 17:02

Hmm, if only it would work with punctuation. 18 your post seems to be lacking. ;)

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Sunday 18 November 2012 18:12

Same with yours. 18, your post seems to be lacking.*

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Sunday 18 November 2012 18:15

Haha damn, I didn't know that this many airheads cared about grammar this much.

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Sunday 18 November 2012 18:19

36) You're only an airhead if you correct people on their grammar, and your grammar isn't any better.

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Sunday 18 November 2012 18:53

Haha so you're saying you are an airhead?

Rowdey 10

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Sunday 18 November 2012 18:57

Ahh, you caught me. I noticed too late to edit it.

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Sunday 18 November 2012 22:57

Wait. Are you allowed to begin a sentence with a number? Shouldn't it be 'Eighteen'? Or is it appropriate in this context? I mean, since we want to get all technical...

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Sunday 18 November 2012 16:38

Give your grandma some small job to do to keep her busy she just trying to help

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Sunday 18 November 2012 17:11

Lol don't you love how grandmas get when their overly excited??

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Monday 19 November 2012 1:01

Yes I do and I miss my grandma very much

GirlYouNasty 11

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Monday 19 November 2012 4:43

59- Damn, 25's comment was so upbeat and funny and then your's just made me sad! Anyway, I'm so sorry for your loss; I've also lost a grandmother and a grandfather, both of whom I miss terribly every day

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Sunday 18 November 2012 16:40

Well, after seeing your username, I would be very mad at my grandmother

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Sunday 18 November 2012 16:40

I guess she didn't tell you that she had a competing booth at the other side of the show. That's pure sabotage. Grandma: 1 You: 0

laurenlovesjb 20

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Sunday 18 November 2012 16:41

Hopefully she will leave so you can get some real work done! Good luck fixing things at your booth, OP!

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Sunday 18 November 2012 16:41

Troll grandma:: expert level. Drunk grandma?? Maybe? Lol. Fyl.

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Sunday 18 November 2012 16:41

Grab grannys cane and problem solved OP.

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Sunday 18 November 2012 16:43

Aww. Sorry OP that you lost potential buyers but think about it this way, at least she came and tried to show you support. Some Grandmothers don't do that, and the ones that do, we take for granted and don't appreciate them until they aren't with us anymore.

GhostChickens 17

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Sunday 18 November 2012 18:52

This was my first thought too. It was nice of her to come and support you and, even though you write "supposedly", is it really that likely that she set out to ruin your chances of selling things? Maybe she actually did just trip and grab the other lady. When I fall, I instinctively reach out to find something to hold me up too. Not usually people, but still.

MaydayParadexx 18

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Sunday 18 November 2012 16:43

You're drunk grandma go home