Today, I got stopped for shoplifting at a department store. They...

By Anonymous - 10/5/2009 20:36 - United States

Today, I got stopped for shoplifting at a department store. They took me back to the security room and showed me the tapes. I was taking my own designer lipgloss that I had bought a month before out of my purse. FML

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Miscellaneous

They're everywhere

This is fine

Spooky

By Anonymous - 3/12/2009 09:47 - Canada

Today, my very traditional grandmother has decided it's time for me to get married to Kevin. She's called half the town and informed them of the good news. I'm 17. I've never met Kevin. FML

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By hamburger - 6/7/2013 21:21 - United States - Adrian

Today, my husband wanted to try anal for the first time. His attempt to sound romantic was him saying, "Open your buns, the meat is ready." FML

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By shroooms - 28/7/2011 20:37 - Slovenia

Today, my entire family, myself included, has been turned into a collective diarrhea fountain after going out to eat. We only have one bathroom. FML

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By Username - 15/7/2011 19:51 - United States

Today, the plant on my windowsill fell and landed in my face while I was napping. It's a cactus. FML

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By bandit99999 - 19/8/2011 18:59 - United States

Today, to keep my phone safe while I went on some rides, I took it out of my pocket so I could put it in my bag. Just as I pulled it out, a woman ran into me, knocking my phone to the ground and breaking the screen. FML

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By knepmj - 16/3/2016 09:44 - United States

Today, I got locked inside my apartment due to the locking mechanism being stuck, so I had to call off work. They refused to believe me, and insisted that I be in on time or else there would be disciplinary actions taken. Maintenance wasn't available till 3 hours into my shift. FML

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By Big break - 18/5/2020 14:00

As seen on TV

Today, I finally got my big TV debut. After thousand of dollars in acting classes and years of waiting to become a professional actress, I got featured in a commercial. I will be rubbing toilet paper against my face for all of four seconds. Hurray, fame! FML

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By shaifox96 - 17/4/2015 03:34 - Canada - Saint Catharines

Today, I received a terrible grade for an essay I worked really hard on. I had two friends, one being an English major, check it over. However, apparently I "clearly didn't use spellcheck" on this essay just like the last one I submitted to her. FML

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By planking champion - 17/10/2011 22:05 - United States

Today, I was given an entire week of detention for planking on my school desk. FML

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By geeb - 23/2/2010 18:33 - United States

Today, I had to confess to my mother that I was too hungover to take her to her AA meeting. FML

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By please don't back that thing up - 9/8/2013 05:00 - United States

Today, I stopped at a red light, when I noticed the car in front of me was in reverse. I honked at the driver, hoping he'd realize and place the car in drive. He thought the light turned green and immediately backed into me. FML

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By kelly.duggan - 21/4/2014 04:03 - Canada - Carleton Place

Today, I went to get an ultrasound done. I texted my ex, who's the father, and told him how adorable its little feet are, and asked him why he didn't come. I got a reply with two words: "DNA test". FML

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By elevatorjerk - 2/9/2009 13:01 - United States

Today, I was going to work and got in the elevator. I was going through my bag for my phone and asked the man in the elevator to push the button for me. He gave me a look of death before I realized he had no arms. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2017 18:00 - Canada - Westerose

Today I started a new job, I found out that my employer doesn't follow the labour laws and my new co-workers are planning on reporting the owner of the company. The owner is my father, and I want to help them report him. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2011 23:51 - Canada

Today, I was working at the hospital front desk when an elderly man started hurling racial slurs at another visitor. A fight broke out, so I stepped in and forcibly separated the two. The old man tripped and crashed to the floor. Now I'm under investigation for "contributing to workplace violence." FML

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By Anonymous - 10/5/2015 13:47 - United States

Today, I was feeling pretty, so I wore a skirt for the first time in years. Two hours later, my thighs hurt from slapping together so much. I no longer feel pretty. FML

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By Confuseddad - 16/2/2016 22:17 - United Kingdom

Today, two aggressive police officers appeared at my door informing me that a complaint was filed about my 18 year-old son having "inappropriate relations" with a 16 year-old. We live in England. I had to Google the law to prove to them this was legal. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2014 11:36 - United States - Alpharetta

Today, my little brother put a battery to my tongue while I was sleeping with my mouth open. The shock found its way right to my metal filling. FML

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By disgruntled - 26/3/2019 18:00

Today, I was passed over for a team lead role at work which went to my older male coworker instead. He repeatedly said that he only wanted the position for the money and didn’t care about leading. When I asked why he was offered the role over me, they said he had more leadership experience. FML

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By Forever alone Guy - 19/2/2013 23:07 - Australia - Narre Warren

Today, I've been single for so long my grandmother had to ask if I actually like women or not. FML

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By kal - 28/2/2012 21:03 - United States

Today, in bio class, we were studying the reproductive system. I don't like talking about this stuff, and I twitched every time my teacher said "penis" or "vagina." When I told my family, they laughed and kept repeating those words just to see me twitch. FML

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By Shelly - 14/12/2011 05:18 - United States

Today, I accidentally called my cute boss "babe." I now have to pretend it's what I call everyone, and start calling all my coworkers "babe." FML

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By Anonymous - 4/7/2018 19:00

Today, after planning 4 months in advance and spending almost $600 to cover everyone's tickets to the event center, all of my siblings decided to bail on my 30th birthday celebration because driving 3 hours is too much. FML

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By misty - 28/6/2011 16:14 - Canada

Today, after checking in and waiting 3 hours to see the doctor, the receptionist said she forgot about me because she didn't see me. She asked me to come back tomorrow. I was sitting right in front of her. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2011 17:07 - United States

Today, I was yelled at by a customer because we didn't have any ketchup packets. I work in a coffee shop. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2020 17:01

Creepy idea, dude

Today, I finally found a way to lesser the loneliness in my life. During at least one work or school zoom meeting a day, I "pin" a random female attendee's screen. That way, I can pretend we're staring into each others eyes the whole time. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2017 09:00 - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of birds chirping, had a wonderful cup of coffee, and found my son throwing up rubbing alcohol in the bathroom. FML

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By bargainshopper - 16/10/2012 11:28 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, while at a pool party, I found out the reason I got my new, white bikini at such a bargain price; it goes completely transparent when wet. I only realized this after everyone was staring at me and whistling. FML

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By unwanted daughter - 2/7/2014 15:54 - Canada - Oliver

Today, I overheard my mother talking to her friend, and using me as an example of how it's sometimes best to swallow. FML

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By friendless - 6/8/2019 00:01

Today, the reason I’d rather elope with my fiancée than have a wedding is because I have no friends. FML

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By anonymous - 24/5/2016 03:41 - United States - Manchester

Today, I got put in a speech impediment class because apparently I have a lisp. No, my tongue is just swollen, and I can't talk very well because of it. I've talked normally for the past 17 years. FML

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By Unemployed - 21/9/2009 17:08 - United States

Today, my grandma picked up the phone. It was a man asking to speak to me. Instead of giving me the phone she decides to hang up on him, thinking it was some guy trying to "get with me." It turned out to be the call I've been waiting all week for... a call from a huge company about a job offer. FML

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By I quit - 19/11/2011 00:48 - United States

Today, MS Word kept crashing with a memory error, so I called tech support. Instead of actually fixing the problem, their tech wasted over an hour of my time defragmenting the hard drive, disabling the anti-virus, and downloading new video card drivers from some shady site, before giving up. FML

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By Carrie - 3/3/2010 13:21 - United States

Today, I was on a date with a guy I met online. After 30 minutes, he abruptly stands up and says he has to leave. He practically ran out of Starbucks to get away from me. FML

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By wrecked - 11/1/2010 13:43 - United States

Today, I slid on ice and hit another car while driving to work. My car was totalled, and my leg hurt, while the other car had very little damage. Not two minutes later, the salt truck drove by, spraying the road. FML

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By Sarah grace - 30/10/2017 01:30

Today, I challenged my husband to look after our twins by himself all day, like I normally do. When I got home, both babies had on clean nappies and clothes, dinner was cooked, the house was spotless, and 3 loads of washing were done. Smug bastard. FML

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By Megara - 15/3/2011 05:58 - United States

Today, I was telling my dad about how I emasculated my guy friends because I can drive a stick shift while they can't. He said, "And you wonder why people think you're a lesbian." FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2020 04:02 - United States - Akron

Nice guy DESTROYED by FACTS and LOGIC

Today, after a year and a half, I finally cut things off with my ex completely because I was starting to have feelings for someone else. Right after I cut my ex off, the other girl that I liked cut things off with me, and threw my ass in the friendzone. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2016 20:58 - United States - Hayward

Today, my uncle asked me to act as a bodyguard in a video he was making. I put on the shades and suit while he was saying his message to the camera. I was laughing so hard internally that I ended up farting so loud throughout the entire video. We had to shoot the video five times. FML

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By blowinchunks - 24/11/2009 06:00 - Canada

Today, I found a mealworm in my cornflakes. I had already finished most of the bowl. I didn't make it to the toilet to throw up. FML

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Top comments

By so_me_fml | 0

#187155 - Monday 11 May 2009 2:38

Meanwhile the kid ACTUALLY shoplifting quietly walks out the door...

By stephfml | 0

#187101 - Monday 11 May 2009 2:29

What how could they do that?! I hope they let you off, because they had no proof that it wasn't already yours...

COMMENTS

By dabears554 | 0

#187088 - Monday 11 May 2009 2:27

first

By boomBOOMshake | 0

#187093 - Monday 11 May 2009 2:27

Wow. That sucks.

We don't care #1.

emo_Onsterr | 0

#1133066 - Saturday 24 July 2010 11:02

who cares if it's designer lip gloss... stop trying to show off.

ooooooooooooh | 4

#1798727 - Sunday 5 December 2010 20:29

just because you don't care doesn't mean other people don't appreciate it. some people enjoy buying more expensive clothes to make themselves look good rather than tacky stuff from farmers or target ect.

syed121417 | 22

#6107183 - Sunday 2 November 2014 3:38

So if it wasn't designer than OP wouldn't have been showing it off it it was any other lip gloss? OP can't take it out to use it in public without being accused of being show off? If I take out my Chapstick and use it, am I showing off my Chapstick? No, because OP can afford designer makeup, that automatically makes them a show off right? Please grow up.

By aweshit | 0

#187094 - Monday 11 May 2009 2:27

wow lol that sucks

By stephfml | 0

#187101 - Monday 11 May 2009 2:29

What how could they do that?! I hope they let you off, because they had no proof that it wasn't already yours...

By _pokeys | 0

#187112 - Monday 11 May 2009 2:30

Did they not watch the tapes very well?

By beauty_blogger | 0

#187128 - Monday 11 May 2009 2:33

I'm always scared that will happen to me too. I have lots of designer makeup in my bag and I never want them to search me.

By Saruh | 0

#187132 - Monday 11 May 2009 2:33

This if utter failure.

By lycania | 0

#187149 - Monday 11 May 2009 2:37

Aw, that sucks. I hope they realized their mistake and apologized

By so_me_fml | 0

#187155 - Monday 11 May 2009 2:38

Meanwhile the kid ACTUALLY shoplifting quietly walks out the door...

By generalsmith2 | 0

#187163 - Monday 11 May 2009 2:39

run. they're just rent-a-cops