Today, I got a call from the wife, but I was asleep so she left...

By Anonymous

Today, I got a call from the wife, but I was asleep so she left a voicemail. Seems like she accidentally called while sleeping with another man. FML

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Intimacy

Where are you?

Wait, what?

Masked Singer

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home to find a sock I previously used to whack off on my bed with googly eyes and a mouth drawn on it with a note that read "Because you can't find a real girl, I made your current one prettier, Love Mom." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to use the porta potty at the construction site I work at and found two homeless people having sex in it. I almost got fired, because my advisor blamed me. FML

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By notsomuchinlove - United States

Today, I had a seizure at my boyfriend's. The second I began to seize, he cursed and picked me up, dropping me on the floor complaining "Now I have to clean the damn couch." I had urinated because I had no control over my body. The couch is still stained. He dumped me for ruining his furniture. FML

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Today, at 3am, my boyfriend's phone notifications kept going off. I attempted to wake him up, but he didn't budge. When I went to silence it, I saw his Ashley Madison notification, followed by Tinder, Zoosk, and Plenty of Fish. We've been monogamous over a year... or so I thought. FML

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By hcditfi5foygy

Today, I learned that my new neighbour's car alarm goes off every time a car drives by blasting loud bass. So far, it's gone off 6 times in the last hour. I can't wait until he's done moving in here, where he and his car will stay for the next year. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2020 20:02 - Canada - Barrie

Pay up, dude

Today, I found out I had gotten a parking ticket while I was travelling a few months back in California. I moved since, so I didn’t know I had it so it increased to 200$ and when I told the guy who was actually driving the car about it, he blocked me. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was wondering why my home smelled so weird, until I found out that my 4 year old son had been secretly scattering around food he didn't like to eat throughout the house. How did I find out? No one else in this family leaves half eaten spinach all over my underwear drawer. FML

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By beekeke45 - United States

Today, I had to dig up my twin boys birth certificates for baseball registration. Turns out I had been calling both of them by the other twin's name for eight and a half years. FML

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By CBBP - United States

Today, I was having sex with this girl I met in stats class when my roommate walked in. He started applauding and said, "$20 bucks for me! I knew you weren't gay!" Him and my other roommate had a bet. They are my best friends. FML

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By R - United Kingdom

Today, at work we were gathered to be told some bad news. One of our colleagues would be taking indefinite leave because his wife had dropped their newborn baby. I accidentally laughed at the image. FML

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By anythingjean - Canada

Today, I saw a cute guy on the bus. I smiled at him and he smiled back. After a couple of stops, he got off the bus. He bumped into me, turned around, apologized, and winked. I stood there feeling good about myself. Then I realized he stole my wallet. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, I had to call the Australian Passport office to track my passport. Turns out they lost it in the mail. A week ago, I got my dream job as a flight attendant. Without a passport they won't accept me. I lost my dream job before I even started it. FML

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32375

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By ThanksDog

Today, after months of planning the perfect night with my brother, who was coming home for 2 weeks from the military, he cancelled because he "missed his dog". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, someone left sticky notes with inspirational messages on everyone's locker. Well, almost everyone. My locker was the only one without a note. FML

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By Anonymous - Sri Lanka

Today, my parents used my going away party as a cover up for my sister's surprise party. I didn't know until they brought out the cake. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Boston

Today, my friendly neighbor asked me to check in on his apartment every few days while he's gone on vacation. You can imagine my horror when I walked in for the first time and found out he's a snake breeder. Twelve more days to go. FML

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By Bullocks - United States - Rochester

Today, while I was at work in a machine shop, I cut myself really bad. Not by any sharp tools, drills, or metals I work with. Just the soap dispenser. FML

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By BlackPolarbear - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. My phone started ringing and it was my Mom, she said I could answer it. As I answered the phone my girlfriend started playing with my dick. I moaned. Loud. FML

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By bibobobonnor - Canada

Today, my dad gave me a football signed by my favourite football player. It would've been great, except that I saw my dad sign it in front of me. The worst part is that he denies doing it. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, in a crowded hallway, I saw the guy I fancy standing in front of me, with his arms open wide. Thinking he wanted to hug me, I wrapped my arms around him and stepped back. He looked at me like I was nuts. I then realised he was trying to hug the girl next to me. FML

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By MeowApp - Australia - Melbourne

Today, in my early morning haze, I tried to find the setting on my phone that would stop my cat meowing for his breakfast. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, someone put dog turds underneath all the decorative reindeers' butts in my front yard. The chief suspect is my curmudgeonly, holidays-hating fuckball of a neighbor. Last week he repositioned them in very suggestive poses. FML

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By Deconstructed - United States

Today, my husband let me sleep in while he worked on the landscaping by our backyard pool. Ready for a shower, I stripped naked, opened the back door to let the dog out, and stepped out to ask him how it was going. Turns out he'd finally hired a landscaping crew. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I finally finished making my daughter's wedding cake. When I checked on it later, I found a large slice had been cut out. I soon found out that my husband had instagrammed himself eating it, with the caption "#guiltypleasures". FML

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By Glutton - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I started our diet. After a long day of being held accountable for every calorie I ate, I went home to sneak a snack. My boyfriend came over to surprise me, and found me on the couch shoveling left-over Indian food into my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - Hungary - Budapest

Today, I had a horrible case of the flu. I have a fever of 102 degrees and I can't breathe through my nose. Choosing to sleep it off turns out to be enough for my mom to call me a lazy fuck and scream at me for doing nothing all day. FML

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Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By busted - United Kingdom

Today, I told my parents that I have a boyfriend. I was answering their questions about him, when my dad cut me off mid-sentence. He accused me of lying through my teeth, and said I'd based him off a character from a Harrison Ford movie. FML

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By Rachel - 27/10/2020 08:01 - United States

Fun fun fun

Today, I spent my entire day building various zoos in Zoo Tycoon, and then releasing all of the animals to see them chase people. FML

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363

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By thanks, fuckface - United States - Parachute

Today, just as I was about to orgasm, my boyfriend whispered, "Cum, my preciousssss" into my ear, in his scarily accurate Gollum voice. I think my clitoris just about withered away in despair. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I walked into the bank, I tripped and bumped into a security guard. He thought I was assaulting him, so he pinned me to the floor and called for backup as he held me at gunpoint. FML

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By no, don't save me or nothing - Canada - Woodstock

Today, some aggressive asshole was tailgating me on my way home, bumping into me twice. I got scared and kicked my car into high gear and got out of there. Seconds later, a traffic cop came out of nowhere and pulled me over for speeding. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I found an enormous raccoon in my backyard. After a couple of nasty scratches, I finally managed to capture the filthy animal. After calling animal control to relocate it, I waited for hours to learn that "relocating" actually means releasing it into my front yard 10 feet away. FML

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24683

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By jet8725 - United States

Today, I celebrated my birthday with my friend who has the same birthday by going out to dinner with a bunch of our friends. The waiter brought out a cake for my friend but not for me. No one noticed my exclusion. I sang happy birthday on my birthday. FML

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By Sleuth

Today, I found out why my professor accused me of not handing in an important essay before the due date. Apparently she spilled coffee all over it and didn't dare to tell me. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Drumheller

Today, while arguing with my newly ex-girlfriend over how she cheated on me with a mutual friend, she tried to wash her hands of any guilt, saying that I was "selfish" and "just slut-shaming, really". FML

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47005

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By sociallyawkward - United Kingdom - Egham

Today, I faced my social anxiety and went to a chip shop on my own. I tried to have a conversation with the owner, but his thick accent made it difficult. He now knows where I live, what college I go to and I'm pretty sure I agreed to go to India with him. FML

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By ForgottenAgain - United States

Today, my boyfriend sat me down to reassure me that his competitive, possessive ex-wife will not come between us or ruin our relationship. Mid-conversation, his phone rang. It was her, and he left to answer it. FML

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By ToiletRoll - Australia - Frankston

Today, I was in a public restroom taking a poop and as I started unrolling the toilet paper, the whole roll fell off the handle and rolled out underneath the cubicle door. I heard somebody laugh at me. Nobody helped. FML

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31224

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By West of the day - 22/9/2020 05:01

Forever Alone

Today, I've been feeling horny a lot lately, so I downloaded Tinder and subscribed to Tinder Gold. The only matches I've had are with bots and people saying 'subscribe to my Instagram for premium content.' FML

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By I’m screwed

Today, we’ve had a rat problem in our house for a few weeks. Recently I hid a bottle of booze in my room so my parents wouldn’t see it. But my parents saw a rat in my room and tore the whole thing apart to find it, eventually finding my bottle instead. I was literally ratted out by a rat. FML

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Top comments

By rodfergie | 18

#7527659 - Wednesday 9 August 2017 20:09

at least you have great evidence for the divorce court

By PennyLane27 | 32

#7527668 - Wednesday 9 August 2017 20:27

And you can "accidentally" send her a picture of your divorce papers ;)

COMMENTS

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7527658 - Wednesday 9 August 2017 20:05

Your wife literally butt dialed you!

By rodfergie | 18

#7527659 - Wednesday 9 August 2017 20:09

at least you have great evidence for the divorce court

skate4lefe | 12

#7527689 - Wednesday 9 August 2017 21:05

True?

By Matt Kesler | 16

#7527664 - Wednesday 9 August 2017 20:23

Better Call Saul!

By PennyLane27 | 32

#7527668 - Wednesday 9 August 2017 20:27

And you can "accidentally" send her a picture of your divorce papers ;)

By gobiteme2 | 34

#7527685 - Wednesday 9 August 2017 20:58

Would you prefer that she sent a text instead.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7527697 - Wednesday 9 August 2017 21:17

You can only imagine what her butt was doing when it dialed you.

By pjsr | 32

#7527763 - Thursday 10 August 2017 0:25

I hate when I get nut-dialed

By jzjz | 9

#7527769 - Thursday 10 August 2017 0:34

Think of what she must have done when she realized!

By RockPrincess26 | 16

#7527834 - Thursday 10 August 2017 4:03

Time to divorce that cheating whore!

By ezrajab | 22

#7527844 - Thursday 10 August 2017 4:34

I hope you mean ex wife