Money: Today, I finally told my roommate, who doesn't pay rent, to go...

By hunterjumper1212 - United States - San Rafael

Today, I finally told my roommate, who doesn't pay rent, to go get a job. He left, came back, and immediately went to my refrigerator to eat. I asked him about his job and what his pay is. Apparently, putting together a bike for a kid is a job. FML

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Money

Rock, hard place

White line fever

RIP in peace

By need not know - 19/1/2020 05:00

Still married

Today, while fixing my dad's phone, I saw Tinder installed. He's still married to my mum. FML

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By CatofSteel

Today, my cat cracked my phone screen by sneezing on it. FML

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By meltdowninrels - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, I found out my girlfriend has been cheating on me. When I told my sister, she just smiled, held up a closed fist, and said "Look at the number of fucks I give!" She then raised a finger, said "Oops. Finger spasm!" then lowered it again. FML

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By rhartnett11 - United States

Today, while trying on clothes in Macy's, someone decided to throw some shoes over the wall and into my changing stall. I now have a black eye. FML

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By caryl101698 - United States - Medford

Today, after spending $850 on having our siding, roof and windows powerwashed, a 5-minute storm blew the siding clear off the house. FML

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By Nominome - France

Today, I was in the check-out line when I noticed the guy behind me kept impatiently sighing. Thinking he was a jerk, I took as long as I could packaging my items. Turns out he left his oxygen tank in the car. FML

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By Anonycunt - Germany - Bonn

Today, I went on a blind date that my friends set up. Not only did my date visibly recoil at the sight of me, she ended up trying to convince me that we're actually cousins. When I told her how absurd that was, she muttered "Fuck it" and left. FML

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By helpme - Canada - Sudbury

Today, while waxing my bikini line, my husband thought it would be funny to scare me which caused me to close my legs. I am now sitting in the sink with my best friend pouring hot water "down there" trying to remove the wax. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2021 04:58

Scratch that itch

Today, I bought a $50 Nintendo eShop card to redeem on my Nintendo Switch. As I was scratching the grey area, I scratched too hard, making it hard to see what it was. I tried randomly guessing and asking for help. Neither helped. Guess who didn't get $50 back. FML

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By SweeT

Today, I tried to pick up two girls by asking them what time it was. They burst out laughing. FML

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By Wtf - United States - Miamisburg

Today, I got a message from my brother on Facebook that read, "They're watching you." This wouldn't have been such a big deal if he hadn't been dead for two years. FML

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By Kenton

Today, my older brother called me in the middle of the night to describe to me, in painstaking elaborate detail, the Yamaha commercial he'd just watched. FML

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By theguy24 - United States

Today, I finally broke my two year dry spell, but as she was putting on the condom, I came. She laughed from the time she was putting on her clothes to when she walked out the door. I don't think she's going to call back. FML

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By Carowl

Today, my boyfriend told me he doesn't like cuddling in bed because he hates rebreathing his own carbon dioxide. FML

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By FullOfNick - United States

Today, I realized too late that a picture in my school Powerpoint presentation of thousands of New Zealand sheep, was actually a picture of thousands of naked men in a field. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Alpine

Today, I learned that my wife used to strip while in college. I found this out when I brought her to a work party and my boss recognized her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Windsor Heights

Today, I had to take a drug test for a new job. I ended up spilling the cup of pee all over myself. I had to explain what had happened, then go sit in a waiting room full of disgusted-looking people, while I kept drinking water to fill my bladder back up. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Regina

Today, after being totally in love with a guy since middle school, I finally had enough self confidence to go and talk to him. Turns out he's boring as fuck. I obsessed over this guy for nearly 4 years. FML

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By OUCH - Canada

Today, while going for a run in my neighbourhood I was hit by a car not once, but twice. The second car, closely following the first, stopped and then drove forward to see if I was all right. FML

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By Camm. - United States

Today, I found my car completely vandalized when I came home from work. A paper on the seat read "That's for what you did to Hannah you fuck". Hannah? FML

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By galladore - United States - Bensenville

Today, my oldest friend got engaged to her loving boyfriend of one year. Meanwhile, I can't even get my boyfriend of more than four years to commit to a decision of what he wants for dinner. FML

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By ReallyUniverse??

Today, at work as a dog groomer, two dogs gave me bloody bites, completely unprompted. I went home in tears, so my family got Chinese takeout to cheer me up. My fortune cookie read, "It is not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog that counts." FML

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By notsomuch - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend's attempt to win me back involved standing at the bottom of my apartment building with two airhorns, blasting them and shouting. And for some reason, singing "Sweet Caroline", even though that's not my name. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home and saw my girlfriend on the computer. I decided to sex things up and sneak up on her naked from behind. Apparently, she was video-chatting with her friends at the time. They saw everything. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Paducah

Today, it was my 16th birthday. My surprise was a new car, that is now in the side of the garage because my mom lost control while driving it around front. FML

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By i fuckin love habaneros - United States - Charlottesville

Today, I'm so deprived of female attention that I got a hard-on when a nurse told me I have beautiful veins. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my mom informed me that she saw me sleepwalking last night. I didn't think much of it, until I remembered that I went to bed without any clothes on last night. FML

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By - 27/2/2020 20:00

Completely wet

Today, I was drinking too much and I have to pee constantly, so I went to bed without my girlfriend. Hours later she woke me up wanting sex, but she realized that I pissed the bed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Anchorage

Today, my sister put a piece of leather in my homemade beef jerkey to prove a point. I ate it. FML

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By crazybiotch - Canada

Today, I sent a forward to the ladies at my office. When I scrolled down I noticed my personal emails from my best friend were attached. They go into great detail about the sex I had last night, when I was planning on dumping my boyfriend and that I suspected I had an anal fissure. FML

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By whippingpost - 8/3/2020 04:56

Drunken lout

Today, I learned a co-worker called and awoke my boss at 3 a.m. to complain that I'd been "rude" to him. All I'd done was make a disapproving face because he'd been drinking and he was slobbering drunk, and wanted to charge his purchase to his employee account, a definite no-no when not on the clock. FML

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By anthony - Luxembourg

Today, a cute girl I know in passing approached me very nervously and blushing like mad. She gave me a note with a number on it, said to call her, then ran away. When I called the number later, it was one of those rejection hotlines. What the hell? FML

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By Florida_1827 - United States

Today, I received the 'special' present my mother had sent me for my 21st birthday. I opened the box and saw that my mother had picked out, accessorized and shipped to me, in college, a doll. FML

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By ShamefulShoop

cringe intensifies

Today, I took my mother grocery shopping. From the opposite end of the snack aisle, she yelled, "They don't have my darkies! Ya know how I like my darkies!” She was talking about dark pretzels. I don’t think the appalled black couple next to me knew that. FML

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By Dan - 17/11/2020 22:58

Bye bye

Today, I fell asleep at work. I got woke up by my boss with a coffee and a referral letter. FML

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By her mom raised her - Mexico

Today, I had to call a plumber out, because my idiot daughter clogged the pipes while trying to flush a hamburger down the toilet. FML

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By TNDriver - United States - Jackson

Today, I was about to make a left turn. In the turn lane a little old lady was waiting for the light to change. On the back of her car was a bumper sticker that said "Honk if you love Jesus!" I gave her a honk and waved. She leaned out and yelled, "The light's red, asshole." FML

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By Christen - United States

Today, I walked out of the bathroom when two guys were checking me out and said "nice tail" I smiled and strutted to my next class. When I was about to sit down in my desk, the girl behind me said "did you know you have toilet paper hanging out of your pants?" FML

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By hunta331

Today, I learned just how bad jellyfish stings hurt. Multiple times. On my testicles. FML

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By Coolkid. - United States

Today, I was accidentally tagged in a photo of a group of people by a 'friend' on Facebook. She later corrected it, apparently everyone had already seen the tag and decided that the comment box below was a great opportunity to discuss how none of them would ever be caught dead hanging out with me. FML

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Top comments

By groupleader | 7

#4476211 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:45

Yes a bike job is also known as a bj.

By I_Punch_Babies | 7

#4476223 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:47

you already know his weakness is the refrigerator. dont go grocery shopping and just get.a days worth of food each time you go out. thatll force him to get a real job.

COMMENTS

By KatieKupcake4195 | 9

#4476193 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:43

Well, he's trying.. Maybe. Still, that doesn't sound like it pays enough for rent. FYL, OP.

Bravesfan319 | 11

#4476200 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:44

Fixing one bike is trying? Kinda just seems like a lazy roommate who OP needs to kick out.

KatieKupcake4195 | 9

#4476214 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:45

Perhaps you're right. But at least OP's roommate didn't just flat out say "No." and carry on doing literally nothing :)

Bravesfan319 | 11

#4476235 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:49

Unless it was a motorcycle or dirt bike (which I highly doubt), then I'm guessing it didn't take the roommate more than 15-30 minutes... Max. So it's pretty much like he didn't try lol

ucoolgirl31 | 20

#4476237 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:50

How much is he getting paid??

KatieKupcake4195 | 9

#4476246 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:52

17 - True. I was just trying to give the roommate the benefit of the doubt. Something I find myself doing quite often. I apologize for my stupidity lol

By CALLAHAN4 | 0

#4476197 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:44

he tolled u hard

By TehBoulder | 4

#4476207 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:44

How much did he get?

SecretMe00 | 5

#4476258 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:54

Sounds like a low-life.

Il_Maestro | 6

#4477439 - Thursday 24 May 2012 21:18

He got a shiny new nickel, a free months rent from OPs good nature, and a half a turkey sandwich.

By ladyLALAA | 28

#4476209 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:44

I hope it was some ten year old who gave him $5.

I_Punch_Babies | 7

#4476229 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:49

i bet he paid him in gum.

xcarxcrashx | 9

#4476239 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:50

No one ever pays me in gum :(

ladyLALAA | 28

#4476242 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:51

19, that's because you ate their brains!

ICastillo | 24

#4476608 - Thursday 24 May 2012 17:26

Kill it, kill it now with fire!!!!!

By groupleader | 7

#4476211 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:45

Yes a bike job is also known as a bj.

lonkite101 | 14

#4476421 - Thursday 24 May 2012 16:33

I'd love to give bjs for a living.... If I was a girl!

reddudeover | 2

#4476543 - Thursday 24 May 2012 17:01

35 - So what's your excuse for giving them now? And at only a dollar a piece it's such a deal.

By COOL__Coal | 12

#4476216 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:45

He definitely sounds almost as much if a freeloader as squdward.

asticks | 4

#4477291 - Thursday 24 May 2012 20:34

That would have been funny if you hadn't misspelt squidward.

nofearjenshere | 12

#4477492 - Thursday 24 May 2012 21:38

I'm Squidward, I'm Squidward, I'm Squidward, Squidward, Squidward!

ohSNAPyall | 26

#4478567 - Friday 25 May 2012 2:29

How is Squidward a freeloader? He has his own house!

fadingfaith | 4

#4479554 - Friday 25 May 2012 8:14

I think you meant Mr. Krabs.

Soloman212 | 28

#5424053 - Thursday 28 March 2013 3:09

I think they were referring to the episode where Squidward loses his job because Mr. Krabs thought he stole his first dime.

By IcedJesus | 5

#4476218 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:45

Racking the bills!!

Branflakes78 | 13

#4476765 - Thursday 24 May 2012 18:10

more like Racking the Quarters

By narkui | 10

#4476219 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:47

Threaten to kick him out of he doesn't get his act together. That's sucks tho. GL!:)

By theunwiseone | 4

#4476221 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:47

He has to start from somewhere ;)

By I_Punch_Babies | 7

#4476223 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:47

you already know his weakness is the refrigerator. dont go grocery shopping and just get.a days worth of food each time you go out. thatll force him to get a real job.

caplox | 6

#4476342 - Thursday 24 May 2012 16:12

OP shouldn't have to limit their groceries because of a lazy roommate.

I_Punch_Babies | 7

#4476368 - Thursday 24 May 2012 16:18

OP also shouldnt have to share food with a lazy bum either.

caplox | 6

#4476431 - Thursday 24 May 2012 16:36

Who says he has to?
I say put a lock on it!

peachesncreem | 21

#4476654 - Thursday 24 May 2012 17:40

#12, please don't punch babies :(

I_Punch_Babies | 7

#4477357 - Thursday 24 May 2012 20:52

it was either punch babies or kick puppies. the former seemed funnier. then again my dark sense of humor is such that only a select few are desensitized to the point that to them it can be allowed to be funny.

Still married

Scratch that itch

Completely wet

Drunken lout

*cringe intensifies*

Bye bye

cringe intensifies