Money: Today, I finally told my roommate, who doesn't pay rent, to go...

By hunterjumper1212 - United States - San Rafael

Today, I finally told my roommate, who doesn't pay rent, to go get a job. He left, came back, and immediately went to my refrigerator to eat. I asked him about his job and what his pay is. Apparently, putting together a bike for a kid is a job. FML

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Money

This Charming Man

The sweet smell of unsuccess

Jealousy

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I noticed that someone smeared "wash me" into the grime of my car. I decided to take it to get a wash. I pulled up, put my vehicle in neutral, and kicked back as it slowly started to move. You never realize how long it takes a sun roof to close until water is dumping on your head. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2021 05:01

Childlike

Today, I told my brother a story about something I did a couple weeks ago. When I'd finished, he laughed and asked, "What grade were you in when you did that?" I'm 45 years-old and I haven't been in any "grade" since I was 17. FML

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By tongue tied - United States - Meadville

Today, I was talking to an attractive guy, but I was so nervous that I got tongue-tied and then blurted out, "Stupid autocorrect." FML

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By Trash - France

Today, a girl was coming on to me throughout an entire concert, giving me drinks. At the end of the evening, she gave me her MSN address so that we could do other things together. Thanks to all the drinks I'd had, I forgot her address. FML

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By randm1 - United States

Today, I went to the bathroom and used the urinal. When I was done, I closed my zipper on my foreskin. FML

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By needlessly hungry

Today, when I tried to give blood, I was turned down before I even made it through the information packet. Why? Because I had thought I was supposed to fast for 24 hours beforehand. FML

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By Eduardo - 18/4/2021 20:00

Hard no

Today, my 30-year old cousin, who is unemployed, parasitic and never completed high-school, whose girlfriend is a crack addict, wants to move into my place. He was evicted from an apartment building two weeks ago for assaulting some neighbors. FML

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By smallmediumatlrg - United States

Today, I went to a yard sale and found a cute plush duck. I sent a pic of it to my friend with the message "Jackpot!" I guess she didn't see the pic because she called me up all excited, thinking my boyfriend of 6 years finally proposed to me. "No, I said, I just found a big duck for $1." FML

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By Ouch - United States

Today, I was very sick and kept throwing up. I took a shower after every time I threw up. While in the shower after I threw up, I had to throw up again, so I got out and ran to the toilet. I slipped on the tile, broke my nose on the floor, and then threw up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Santa Barbara

Today, my husband wanted me to "spice up" our sex life. I guess he didn't count on me vomiting when he came in my mouth. We won't be getting intimate again for a long, long time now. FML

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By alphafoxy21 - United States

Today, after spending 8 months and $11,000 on school, I was denied a job in my chosen career field. They told me they decided to go with someone with more experience. So who got the job? One of my classmates. This is her first job. EVER. FML

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By cjkelly1 - United States

Today, my parents made me a steak dinner to celebrate me visiting home from college. I've been a vegetarian for eleven years. This is the third time they've done this. FML

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By meg - 7/2/2021 00:30

Nice

Today I got my senior pictures back from the photographer. When my boyfriend saw them, he said I look creepy. Not pretty, not beautiful, not even decent. Creepy. FML

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By Carlyclose

Today, I got rejected from Sephora, Walgreens and Ulta for being OVER-qualified with a post-graduate diploma in cosmetic chemistry. Then, I got rejected from Estée Lauder, LVMH and Proctor and Gamble for being UNDER-qualified with a post-graduate diploma in cosmetic chemistry. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New York

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me during a funeral. FML

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By Jenna - 12/10/2020 02:02

Jumping the gun

Today, my boyfriend of one week kissed my stomach and began speaking to our "baby." We haven't had sex yet. In fact, I'm still a virgin. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the doctor's office for a minor cold, and left with a diagnosis of pregnancy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up next to my best friend after lots of drinking and the best sex I've ever had in my life. The only problem is we're both straight males. FML

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By dinosawerr - United States

Today, I was riding my bike with my parents. They make me wear a helmet when I'm with them. Some college age kids drove past and yelled, "Nice helmet!" My mother then told me, "They like you!" I'm sixteen and my helmet is blue. With flowers. FML

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By Jade

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night because I was thirsty. In my groggy state, I grabbed the first bottle of liquid I could find, opened it, and took a sip. It was nail polish remover. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2020 02:00

Better out than in

Today, I had the most excruciating pain I've ever felt in my lower right abdomen. I was doubled over and vomiting it hurt so bad. After going to the E.R., thinking it was my appendix and getting checked in, I let out the biggest most rancid fart in my life and the pain immediately went away. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/2/2021 15:30 - United States - Pittsburgh

Whine whine whine

Today, it snowed. Rather than enjoy the view, my roommate had to complain every five minutes about the mentally challenged neighbor shovelling snow all day long. As long as he doesn't shovel it into my yard, I really don't care what he does to pass the time in lockdown. FML

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By maebyf - Canada

Today, my boyfriend of three years proposed to me. He brought me to our favorite restaurant and ordered expensive champagne. It was all very romantic, until he got on one knee and I farted out of surprise. Loudly. FML

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By Frozen Food Fan - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I posted on Facebook about a cooking mishap I had. My fiancé and ex then spent the next hour trading stories of my other kitchen disasters in the comments. FML

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By that makes me a sad panda - Sweden - Ume

Today, my landlord's control issue got out of control when I got a call telling me I have "too much stuff" and have to move out of the apartment. I sold all my furniture when I moved in and all I currently own is a scratch post, a chair and a pair of curtains. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, 50,000 copies of the new edition of the town's phone book came out. I manage a pizza place and bought a full menu ad. Apparently the ad designer got confused, as they placed my cell phone number in huge bold letters at the bottom of the ad instead of the store's phone number. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Escondido

Today, my boyfriend sent me a nude picture. I would have been fine with it if he hadn't taken it in his ex-girlfriend's room. FML

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By loser. - Canada

Today, I dove into the water perfectly, and my bikini bottoms came off. I splashed around nervously. This guy must have thought I was drowning, and dove in to save me. He emerged from the water carrying a half naked girl. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newburyport

Today, after a snowstorm my son decided that boarding off the roof onto my truck would be fun. My truck now has a puncture wound. The same truck that drove him to the hospital for his puncture wound and broken arm. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Woodinville

Today, I sat on my own testicles while having a serious and tenderly sweet discussion with my fiancée about our future together. We were both crying, but for very different reasons. FML

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By meowitzer

All over the place

Today, a close, funny friend who has quite the attitude, received a long email from a long-time friend of hers, telling her how difficult she is. When I told her it doesn’t matter, that she is still wonderful, she went off on how bad a friend I am for saying that, and then deleted me off WhatsApp. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my bratty sister shoved me overboard during a boat ride. Not ten seconds after being pulled back on board, I got an earful of abuse from my parents. My sister is the family favorite and they refuse to believe that I didn't "provoke" her. FML

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By TotallyDoneDating

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of 2 years lost her virginity on a cruise last week. FML

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By Tanuki_paws - United States - Phoenix

Today, I'm so broke that I got buyer's remorse after buying a $2 bottle of pancake syrup. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was visiting my grandmother's house. She keeps the thermostat on 85 and after about 30 minutes I explained to her "I'm going to have to leave, it's just too hot in here". She replied: "You think it's hot in here, wait until you get to hell." I laughed. She didn't. FML

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By Perdito_Coño - Australia - Quakers Hill

Today, I was about to lose my virginity to my girlfriend. Unfortunately, she started fake-moaning like a pornstar before I even entered her, totally killing the mood and my boner. She swore she hadn't moaned, accused me of not finding her attractive enough, and angrily left. FML

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By Maybe I'll stay longer than spring break. - United States - Midlothian

Today, I came home to visit my family for spring break, only to realize that I'd left my phone in my apartment. After a 2 hour drive back, I discovered my boyfriend with my neighbor. He panicked and pretended to be sleepwalking. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Liverpool

Today, my neighbours' whiny emo of a daughter got dumped by her boyfriend. In her infinite wisdom, she's chosen to cope by playing on her recorder the worst rendition of "My Heart Will Go On" that I've ever heard. It's been going on all day. Now I know why he dumped this idiot. FML

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By winks - United States - Reno

Today, I got into a car accident that was my fault. The other driver was my professor. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, an old man started telling me about the high price of meat. I told him I wouldn't know, since I'm a vegetarian. His reply was, "Oh, most vegetarians are slimmer." FML

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Top comments

By groupleader | 7

#4476211 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:45

Yes a bike job is also known as a bj.

By I_Punch_Babies | 7

#4476223 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:47

you already know his weakness is the refrigerator. dont go grocery shopping and just get.a days worth of food each time you go out. thatll force him to get a real job.

COMMENTS

By KatieKupcake4195 | 9

#4476193 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:43

Well, he's trying.. Maybe. Still, that doesn't sound like it pays enough for rent. FYL, OP.

Bravesfan319 | 11

#4476200 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:44

Fixing one bike is trying? Kinda just seems like a lazy roommate who OP needs to kick out.

KatieKupcake4195 | 9

#4476214 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:45

Perhaps you're right. But at least OP's roommate didn't just flat out say "No." and carry on doing literally nothing :)

Bravesfan319 | 11

#4476235 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:49

Unless it was a motorcycle or dirt bike (which I highly doubt), then I'm guessing it didn't take the roommate more than 15-30 minutes... Max. So it's pretty much like he didn't try lol

ucoolgirl31 | 20

#4476237 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:50

How much is he getting paid??

KatieKupcake4195 | 9

#4476246 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:52

17 - True. I was just trying to give the roommate the benefit of the doubt. Something I find myself doing quite often. I apologize for my stupidity lol

By CALLAHAN4 | 0

#4476197 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:44

he tolled u hard

By TehBoulder | 4

#4476207 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:44

How much did he get?

SecretMe00 | 5

#4476258 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:54

Sounds like a low-life.

Il_Maestro | 6

#4477439 - Thursday 24 May 2012 21:18

He got a shiny new nickel, a free months rent from OPs good nature, and a half a turkey sandwich.

By ladyLALAA | 28

#4476209 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:44

I hope it was some ten year old who gave him $5.

I_Punch_Babies | 7

#4476229 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:49

i bet he paid him in gum.

xcarxcrashx | 9

#4476239 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:50

No one ever pays me in gum :(

ladyLALAA | 28

#4476242 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:51

19, that's because you ate their brains!

ICastillo | 24

#4476608 - Thursday 24 May 2012 17:26

Kill it, kill it now with fire!!!!!

By groupleader | 7

#4476211 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:45

Yes a bike job is also known as a bj.

lonkite101 | 14

#4476421 - Thursday 24 May 2012 16:33

I'd love to give bjs for a living.... If I was a girl!

reddudeover | 2

#4476543 - Thursday 24 May 2012 17:01

35 - So what's your excuse for giving them now? And at only a dollar a piece it's such a deal.

By COOL__Coal | 12

#4476216 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:45

He definitely sounds almost as much if a freeloader as squdward.

asticks | 4

#4477291 - Thursday 24 May 2012 20:34

That would have been funny if you hadn't misspelt squidward.

nofearjenshere | 12

#4477492 - Thursday 24 May 2012 21:38

I'm Squidward, I'm Squidward, I'm Squidward, Squidward, Squidward!

ohSNAPyall | 26

#4478567 - Friday 25 May 2012 2:29

How is Squidward a freeloader? He has his own house!

fadingfaith | 4

#4479554 - Friday 25 May 2012 8:14

I think you meant Mr. Krabs.

Soloman212 | 28

#5424053 - Thursday 28 March 2013 3:09

I think they were referring to the episode where Squidward loses his job because Mr. Krabs thought he stole his first dime.

By IcedJesus | 5

#4476218 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:45

Racking the bills!!

Branflakes78 | 13

#4476765 - Thursday 24 May 2012 18:10

more like Racking the Quarters

By narkui | 10

#4476219 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:47

Threaten to kick him out of he doesn't get his act together. That's sucks tho. GL!:)

By theunwiseone | 4

#4476221 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:47

He has to start from somewhere ;)

By I_Punch_Babies | 7

#4476223 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:47

you already know his weakness is the refrigerator. dont go grocery shopping and just get.a days worth of food each time you go out. thatll force him to get a real job.

caplox | 6

#4476342 - Thursday 24 May 2012 16:12

OP shouldn't have to limit their groceries because of a lazy roommate.

I_Punch_Babies | 7

#4476368 - Thursday 24 May 2012 16:18

OP also shouldnt have to share food with a lazy bum either.

caplox | 6

#4476431 - Thursday 24 May 2012 16:36

Who says he has to?
I say put a lock on it!

peachesncreem | 21

#4476654 - Thursday 24 May 2012 17:40

#12, please don't punch babies :(

I_Punch_Babies | 7

#4477357 - Thursday 24 May 2012 20:52

it was either punch babies or kick puppies. the former seemed funnier. then again my dark sense of humor is such that only a select few are desensitized to the point that to them it can be allowed to be funny.