Money: Today, I finally told my roommate, who doesn't pay rent, to go... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 93

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68

You deserved it 5

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 466

You deserved it 124

24/05/2012 07:41

Today, I finally told my roommate, who doesn't pay rent, to go get a job. He left, came back, and immediately went to my refrigerator to eat. I asked him about his job and what his pay is. Apparently, putting together a bike for a kid is a job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 219

You deserved it 2 855

This Charming Man

The smell detective is on the case

Baby you can drive my car

15/03/2015 17:54

Spicy

Today, at Walmart, I overheard a lady telling a teenage girl that the secret to keeping a guy for life is giving him anal, but that it's important to clean your "shitter" beforehand. I can't believe these kinds of sick freaks actually exist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 982

You deserved it 9 931

22/03/2012 18:00

Today, while I was on the bus to work, a morbidly obese man sat down next to me. When my stop came and I stood up to get off, he just looked at me, said with a smirk, "good luck with that," and went back to reading his paper. I missed my stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 515

You deserved it 2 869

15/08/2018 18:30

Today, an old fling said she regretted her previous choice and wanted to try again, so I happily accepted. She failed to tell me that her previous choice was crazy. Not only is he stalking her, but he's also stalking me and sending her messages about who I'm with and what I'm doing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 833

You deserved it 333

Mix up

By Anonymous - 22/08/2021 10:31

Today, I found out that the person I love, who is also a friend, is now in a relationship with my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 739

You deserved it 114

Caught

By losingstreak - 31/01/2009 20:47

Spicy

Today, I was looking at porn on my laptop when my mom came into my room to talk to me. After she finished what she was saying, she paused and said, "You know, I can see the reflection of your computer screen in your glasses." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 214

You deserved it 37 831

28/05/2013 16:51

Today, I confessed to my girlfriend that I cheated on her. She told me that she needed time to think, and left. An hour later, her dad came by with a baseball bat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 185

You deserved it 146 631

11/03/2013 07:43

Today, I finally got a tattoo of an alchemy symbol that I've wanted for years. I also found out later that symbol stands for urine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 519

You deserved it 51 013

29/12/2010 16:30

Today, I saw a girl on the subway that I knew so I started waving frantically. She gave me a really weird expression and moved quickly away from me. Then I realised that I only knew her because I had stalked her Facebook once. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 882

You deserved it 54 091

05/01/2016 03:27

Today, one of my customers told me he was going to kill himself when I explained to him that I wasn't going to be able to deliver him the gallon of milk he wanted. I work in a pharmacy, dispensing medication. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 755

You deserved it 1 260

20/09/2018 13:30

Today, despite having long hair and wearing makeup and a dress, I was still mistaken for a man several times. I'm a girl and I was born a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 934

You deserved it 185

16/07/2013 01:42

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend was sitting on my lap at a birthday party. She thought it would be funny to fart. I came instantly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 323

You deserved it 23 546

17/07/2014 20:48

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I'm too nice. Apparently, me being nice to him makes him feel guilty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 659

You deserved it 4 718

It's not a phase!

By Dumped - 24/04/2021 20:08

Today, my 36 year-old husband decided that I’m not his soulmate and he made a mistake marrying me. Why? Because he believes that the 19 year-old girl he met on his video game online thing is instead, and they’re "meant to be." We’ve been married for 5 years and had our second child a month ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 252

You deserved it 79

15/06/2012 17:12

Today, I received the photos my friend took of me proposing to my girlfriend. I'd proposed at the place we'd first met: the local zoo. When I looked them over, I noticed there was an elephant taking a poop in the background. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 202

You deserved it 4 388

17/07/2019 02:00

Spicy

Today, I found out how messed up I am when a guy held a knife to my throat and it turned me on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 932

You deserved it 417

28/08/2012 21:22

Spicy

Today, yet again, I was getting intimate with my shower head. Some complete genius decided to flush the toilet downstairs halfway through, which sent scalding-hot water all up in my privates. I've yet to find a comfortable sitting position. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 347

You deserved it 42 992

09/11/2018 13:30

Today, during my yearly review, I was told by my boss that mistakes in my paperwork will be investigated by our company legal team. He also said, "Think of them as the TV or movie version of Internal Affairs" and said I would be considered "guilty until proven innocent." I can't afford to quit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 409

You deserved it 183

24/09/2016 06:41

Today, I had my first interview. Everything was going well until I made him repeat his name numerous times, as I couldn't understand what he was saying due to his thick accent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 970

You deserved it 1 240

14/05/2012 22:23

Today, I was at the supermarket checkout. I handed over my items, which included some tampons, tissues, and toilet roll. The security guard standing beside the cashier remarked loudly, "I'll be damned; she's flowing from every hole!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 552

You deserved it 4 517

14/04/2009 07:50

Today, I was running down the hallway when a door opens and hits me right on the face. I'm sitting there with my nose bleeding and a huge bump forming on my head. The guy who comes out is hugely fat, tries to help me up, trips, and falls on me. I accidentally groped his moobs while trying to push him off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 779

You deserved it 7 752

05/07/2011 22:37

Today, I got trapped in a glass elevator at the mall. My father walked right by the elevator, laughed and went into a store. A fireman got me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 756

You deserved it 3 403

30/10/2010 21:28

Today, I was sucking on a Tic Tac. Just as I was starting to get into it, the Tic-Tac suddenly shot down my throat. After a minute of coughing and gagging, it came back up... out my left nostril. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 032

You deserved it 6 267

Not quite there yet

By Anonymous - 06/05/2021 05:59

Today, I was denied entry into Hong Kong after flying here from Canada and paying thousands of uncancellable dollars for quarantine hotel and other plans, because the immigration company fucked up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 935

You deserved it 133

23/04/2009 07:47

Today, I pulled over to help a girl with her car. I thought my limited mechanic skills would help look like a hero. She only needed her coolant cap unscrewed. With top down, shirt off, I was confident as I got out of my car. 10 minutes later I left because I couldn't unscrew the f***ing thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 943

You deserved it 64 197

02/05/2017 14:00

Today, I went to sit on a desk chair, which promptly rolled out from under me. This made me fall on my own foot, literally shattering two bones. I just bought a 9-month gym membership and can't use it because I wanted to sit down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 057

You deserved it 380

Addams Family Values

By Anonymous - 12/12/2020 07:56

Today, I heard my mom say to the dogs, "Are you hungry? Do you want something tasty out of the garbage can?" Don’t worry though, she probably only meant the one in our garden, where she keeps the deer heads. FML

I agree, your life sucks 673

You deserved it 72

01/02/2010 19:29

Today, I was giving a class presentation, when I suddenly sneezed so hard I wet myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 820

You deserved it 4 099

Social parasites

By Poor doggo - 15/07/2021 08:01

Today, I was walking my friend’s dog at the park as a favor. A stranger then struck up a little conversation with me about the dog. It turned out that the stranger I talked to was my friend’s landlord, who now knows that my friend was lying about her pet being a service animal and is threatening eviction. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 178

You deserved it 251

01/09/2013 19:35

Today, I was waitressing at work, when a woman decided to change her baby's nappy on a table. One moment I was asking her to leave, and the next, she was shoving a fully shat-out nappy into my hands. She asked me to get rid of it and fetch her baby wipes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 035

You deserved it 3 610

03/02/2010 13:57

Today, my boyfriend accused me of deleting my texts from my phone because I'm afraid of him finding out about another man in my life. Truth is, I don't have a life outside of him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 092

You deserved it 5 677

19/08/2011 22:47

Today, I was helping some friends put supplies in my crush's car for our picnic. His girlfriend cracked a joke about me, so I just sarcastically laughed and slammed the door shut. Now she has three broken fingers, and I have a reputation as a psychopath. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 286

You deserved it 9 347

13/05/2019 16:00

Today, I got told that I have a dainty sneeze. It was the closest thing I've had to a compliment I've had in months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 441

You deserved it 135

18/07/2019 02:00

Spicy

Today, my son walked in on me masturbating. Now, whenever I don't do whatever he wants, he blackmails me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 213

You deserved it 1 978

Wobbly

By CheddarJack89 - 01/12/2012 08:35

Today, after doing inventory at my job, I was approached by a co-worker who I had always thought was cute. I tried talking to her, but it was hard as I kept trembling and stuttering from spending two hours in a meat locker. Now she assumes that I'm "special". FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 781

You deserved it 2 462

04/09/2016 22:12

Today, I discovered that in the three days I left my 18-year-old son in charge, my dog had gotten pregnant. When I confronted my son about it, he stated, "I don't want the reputation of being a cock-blocker." FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 803

You deserved it 4 039

24/02/2009 22:57

Spicy

Today, I was pissing in a urinal and I had the urge to sneeze. Unable to hold it, I sneezed and hit my head on a metal beam supporting the urinal. In complete disarray, I had to step back from the urinal while pissing and managed to spray the floor, the wall, and the person next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 202

You deserved it 7 724

31/03/2011 20:53

Today, I noticed that the injury on my hand from three weeks ago no longer hurt. A while later, I accidentally slammed that same hand in a door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 366

You deserved it 15 796

02/01/2011 05:17

Today, while making New Year's resolutions, I realized that I haven't hung out with anybody other than my family in over two years and I started crying. When my mom came in and I explained why I was crying, she replied, "Well that sucks. I'm off to have lunch with some friends. See you later!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 246

You deserved it 8 066

Cough it up

By kaitlyn is here - 27/04/2021 05:01

Today, my parents took me out to eat. When the bill came, they stared at me for a while before asking, “Aren’t you gonna pay?” They've never made me pay before, there was no indication that I’d have to pay this time, and I’d left my wallet at home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 143

You deserved it 227

16/11/2011 05:27

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when he suddenly pulls out and says, "Pull my penis." So I pulled his penis and he farted. Then he started doing it again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 266

You deserved it 7 582

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Thursday 24 May 2012 15:45

Yes a bike job is also known as a bj.

I_Punch_Babies 7

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Thursday 24 May 2012 15:47

you already know his weakness is the refrigerator. dont go grocery shopping and just get.a days worth of food each time you go out. thatll force him to get a real job.

Comments

KatieKupcake4195 9

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Thursday 24 May 2012 15:43

Well, he's trying.. Maybe. Still, that doesn't sound like it pays enough for rent. FYL, OP.

Bravesfan319 11

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Thursday 24 May 2012 15:44

Fixing one bike is trying? Kinda just seems like a lazy roommate who OP needs to kick out.

KatieKupcake4195 9

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Thursday 24 May 2012 15:45

Perhaps you're right. But at least OP's roommate didn't just flat out say "No." and carry on doing literally nothing :)

Bravesfan319 11

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Thursday 24 May 2012 15:49

Unless it was a motorcycle or dirt bike (which I highly doubt), then I'm guessing it didn't take the roommate more than 15-30 minutes... Max. So it's pretty much like he didn't try lol

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Thursday 24 May 2012 15:50

How much is he getting paid??

KatieKupcake4195 9

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Thursday 24 May 2012 15:52

17 - True. I was just trying to give the roommate the benefit of the doubt. Something I find myself doing quite often. I apologize for my stupidity lol

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Thursday 24 May 2012 15:44

he tolled u hard

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Thursday 24 May 2012 15:44

How much did he get?

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Thursday 24 May 2012 15:54

Sounds like a low-life.

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Thursday 24 May 2012 21:18

He got a shiny new nickel, a free months rent from OPs good nature, and a half a turkey sandwich.

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Thursday 24 May 2012 15:44

I hope it was some ten year old who gave him $5.

I_Punch_Babies 7

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Thursday 24 May 2012 15:49

i bet he paid him in gum.

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Thursday 24 May 2012 15:50

No one ever pays me in gum :(

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Thursday 24 May 2012 15:51

19, that's because you ate their brains!

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Thursday 24 May 2012 17:26

Kill it, kill it now with fire!!!!!

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Thursday 24 May 2012 15:45

Yes a bike job is also known as a bj.

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Thursday 24 May 2012 16:33

I'd love to give bjs for a living.... If I was a girl!

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Thursday 24 May 2012 17:01

35 - So what's your excuse for giving them now? And at only a dollar a piece it's such a deal.

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Thursday 24 May 2012 15:45

He definitely sounds almost as much if a freeloader as squdward.

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Thursday 24 May 2012 20:34

That would have been funny if you hadn't misspelt squidward.

nofearjenshere 12

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Thursday 24 May 2012 21:38

I'm Squidward, I'm Squidward, I'm Squidward, Squidward, Squidward!

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Friday 25 May 2012 2:29

How is Squidward a freeloader? He has his own house!

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Friday 25 May 2012 8:14

I think you meant Mr. Krabs.

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Thursday 28 March 2013 3:09

I think they were referring to the episode where Squidward loses his job because Mr. Krabs thought he stole his first dime.

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Thursday 24 May 2012 15:45

Racking the bills!!

Branflakes78 13

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Thursday 24 May 2012 18:10

more like Racking the Quarters

narkui 10

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Thursday 24 May 2012 15:47

Threaten to kick him out of he doesn't get his act together. That's sucks tho. GL!:)

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Thursday 24 May 2012 15:47

He has to start from somewhere ;)

I_Punch_Babies 7

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Thursday 24 May 2012 15:47

you already know his weakness is the refrigerator. dont go grocery shopping and just get.a days worth of food each time you go out. thatll force him to get a real job.

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Thursday 24 May 2012 16:12

OP shouldn't have to limit their groceries because of a lazy roommate.

I_Punch_Babies 7

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Thursday 24 May 2012 16:18

OP also shouldnt have to share food with a lazy bum either.

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Thursday 24 May 2012 16:36

Who says he has to? I say put a lock on it!

peachesncreem 21

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Thursday 24 May 2012 17:40

#12, please don't punch babies :(

I_Punch_Babies 7

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Thursday 24 May 2012 20:52

it was either punch babies or kick puppies. the former seemed funnier. then again my dark sense of humor is such that only a select few are desensitized to the point that to them it can be allowed to be funny.