Today, I finally told my roommate, who doesn't pay rent, to go...

By hunterjumper1212 - 24/5/2012 07:41 - United States - San Rafael

Today, I finally told my roommate, who doesn't pay rent, to go get a job. He left, came back, and immediately went to my refrigerator to eat. I asked him about his job and what his pay is. Apparently, putting together a bike for a kid is a job. FML

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Money

Instadrama

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

In my day…

By samgonzalessb - 14/12/2009 17:00 - United States

Today, my boyfriend bought me a voice personalized build-a-bear. I thought he was going to propose to me through it, only to press the foot of the bear and hear "we should break up" instead. FML

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By mickstinator - 25/6/2009 15:37 - United States

Today, I was parking my car outside of my apartment, but the big truck next to the spot went over the line. I squeezed in anyway. Later, I discovered the truck had left and someone keyed my car. They left a note saying, "Good parking job, asshole." FML

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By - 6/1/2017 06:54

Today, I inadvertently gave passers by the middle finger as I tried to stop my glasses from sliding off my face. FML

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By - 15/1/2017 22:00

Today, I went scuba diving for the first time. The diver took me down some 3 meters and I started showing the thumbs up. He thought I was excited. My breather wasn't working and I was using the sign he told me to use to go up. FML

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By MCForty - 27/2/2015 15:29 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I won a pool game against some guy. His friends started mocking him for getting his ass whooped by a pregnant girl who couldn't even lean over the table. He got mad, swung his pool stick at them, missed, and hit me right in the face. FML

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By backwardsinlife - 5/10/2009 18:53 - United States

Today, while in the drive-through for Taco Bell, I hit the car behind me after forgetting my car was in reverse. It was in reverse because I was worried the old lady in front of me was going to forget she was in reverse. She didn't. FML

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By speed-dialing dr kevorkian - 27/2/2016 07:25 - United States - Two Rivers

Today, my mom came home heavily drunk. As I was taking care of her, she told me all about how I was a mistake. That didn't hurt nearly as much as when she told me she wishes I'd died during her pregnancy. FML

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By ifmlftw - 22/6/2011 04:03 - United States

Today, I was sitting next to a lady on an airplane who was very overweight. She fell asleep on me, and violently bled from her nose upon take off and landing. FML

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By Amelia - 23/6/2019 00:16

Today, I’ve discovered that even if he brushes his teeth for 10 minutes straight, flosses, and rinses with mouthwash, my boyfriend’s breath still smells like a cross between sewage and rotting fish. I’m running out of excuses for not kissing him. FML

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By worst - 12/10/2009 08:23 - Philippines

Today, my mom said I was the worst of her 5 children. My IQ is 130, an honor student, I don't smoke, I don't drink alcohol, or do drugs. I'm the "worst" because I don't go to church every Sunday. FML

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By jdancerchick - 16/11/2011 13:47 - United States

Today, while driving and singing, I noticed a large fly inside my car. I stopped singing so it wouldn't fly into my mouth. That didn't stop it from flying up my nose, causing me to swerve and drive into a ditch. FML

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By Tall Oaf - 14/7/2018 01:30

Today, my ex of 2 months, who I'm on good terms with, posted an Instagram photo with her new boyfriend, captioned "Love you babe, 4 months have never been sweeter." I've never been good at math, but 4 seems bigger than 2. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2010 23:22 - United States

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, my dad called my cell. He ended the phone call with, "and tell your boyfriend to shut up, I can hear him moaning." FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2013 04:02 - United States

Today, my teenage son tried to huff a can of spray paint. FML

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By theskippster - 30/5/2009 01:10 - United States

Today, I was in Walmart. I saw a demo for Guitar Hero on the DS so I started playing. I was kicking ass and really feeling great about myself. I then looked away for a second, looked back down, and saw that the notes were still being hit. The demo had been on automatic-player the entire time. FML

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By ruined - 15/4/2020 17:00

Cooked it up

Today, I made the most perfect prime rib of my life at an amazing medium rare. I was so distracted dyeing eggs with my kids that I didn’t notice my mom cut the meat, then deciding to shove it back into the oven as it was “too pink” for her liking. She incinerated it beyond all recognition. FML

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By Gagging - 15/6/2015 11:57 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I opened my front door to be greeted by what I can only describe as the stink of death. After moving furniture and lifting floorboards, frantically searching for whatever had died, I finally discovered the actual source of the stench - my girlfriend's feet. FML

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By automotive glass tech - 21/1/2016 18:09 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, while I was working replacing a windshield, some jerk off hit my truck. A truck carrying 2 grand in glass. Including the windshield I was about to install. The driver gets out and says, "Sorry man, I had to text my girlfriend." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/6/2011 14:25 - United States

Today, while at work, I suddenly went into diabetic shock. As I was nearly passed out on the floor, a customer yelled at me for not getting his coffee in time. FML

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By keep_your_eyes_on_the_sidewalk - 25/6/2018 15:00

Today, a girl with her eyes glued to her phone bumped my arm going in the opposite direction on the sidewalk. She dropped her phone, chased me to the bus stop, and told everyone that I broke it. She threatened to call the police. FML

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By fire starter - 16/8/2015 04:10 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I tried to vacuum to surprise my mom with a clean house. The vacuum started shorting out, sparked, and then burst into flames mid living room. FML

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By nuberific - 5/3/2009 18:45 - Canada

Today, I was in the change room at the local YMCA. I went to use the hair dryer but couldn't because a naked old man was bent over, butt cheeks spread wide with his hands, and ass aimed at the dryer. He seemed to be enjoying it. FML

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By TordNorski - 3/10/2015 02:44 - United States - Rancho Santa Margarita

Today, I started a new job at a family owned business. About ten minutes in to training, the mother and father started an argument that ended in each of them storming off, demanding a divorce. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2016 21:17 - United States - Fremont

Today, my son's teacher asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up. He put down "unemployed". FML

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By goo - 10/2/2017 18:00 - United States - Louisville

Today, while having fun between the sheets with my boyfriend, his allergies got the best of him and his nose started running. Every time he kissed me he'd drip snot onto my face. When I complained, he said I was being insensitive. FML

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By Thefaller - 11/7/2019 16:00

Today, I went to my first university party already a little drunk. I perched on the end of a table to cool off from the dancing and the whole table tipped over and dumped me onto the floor. I was promptly laughed out of the room. FML

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By akieferr - 3/9/2014 02:41 - United States

Today, while undergoing the cumbersome task of screwing the tiny silver ball onto my lip piercing, I clumsily dropped it onto the counter and watched it bounce into the trash can, where it nestled snugly into a used maxi pad. FML

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By cartrouble - 2/10/2009 05:51 - United States

Today, I picked my car up from the shop. After 5 minutes I noticed the oil and check engine light on. I pulled over, then the engine shut off completely. Turns out they forgot to put oil back in my car. I'll be needing a new engine. FML

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By lds124 - 29/10/2009 04:11 - Canada

Today, I went on a first date with an employee from Sobey's who asked for my number while I was grocery shopping. We decided to each bring a friend. I brought my roommate. He brought his girlfriend. FML

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By what - 11/6/2015 22:46 - United States - Livermore

Today, the man who stole my laptop at the train station yesterday used the contact information I had written on it to call me and ask for the password. FML

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By shadysheikh - 29/10/2014 04:55 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I had my first job interview. The manager asks me to sell him his pen. Thinking I'm all smart, I reenact the scene from the Wolf of Wall Street and say, 'Write down your name'. He calmly reaches into his drawer, takes out another pen and writes his name down. He then looks at me and laughs. FML

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By Crushed - 9/12/2018 12:30

Today, I finally got past my anxiety and confessed my feelings to the guy I like and have been intimate with. He responded that he just still wants to be close friends with me and still bang me monogamously but with no relationship... FML

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By partycats - 23/7/2009 04:40 - United States

Today, I went to a funeral. When I got there, I hugged one of the family members and he asked, "How are you?" Out of habit, I replied, "Good, how about you?" He looked appalled and shouted "How the fuck do you think I am?! My mother just died!" loud enough for everyone to hear. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2012 10:33 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was on the bus when I felt a big yawn coming on, one so big that my mouth stretched and my eyes closed. It was at this point that the strange man beside me decided to lean over at lightning speed and put his tongue in my mouth. Technically it was my first kiss. I'm 21 years old. FML

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By checkup - 15/7/2012 00:50 - United Kingdom - Redditch

Today, I finally hooked up with the girl of my dreams. We went back to her place, and I explored every inch of her body; luscious lips, hourglass curves, genital warts... The worst part was when she got angry when I refused to continue, shouting, "No wonder you're still a virgin!" FML

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By Ash_The_Unicorn - 20/8/2020 14:05

Gentle

Today, after losing my father a little over 6 months ago, and finally feeling comfortable talking to my fiancé (who lives with me and my family) about it, my mother forced her way into the room and started yelling at me for crying. Her excuse, "It’s after your bedtime." I’m 20. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2010 17:35 - Canada

Today, my grandma walked into my room and asked if the thing lying on my nightstand was a computer. I said ''Grandma, that's a clock.'' After staring at me, confused for a few seconds, she then farted, and left my room. FML

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By mclovin09 - 18/12/2009 19:52 - United States

Today, my wife entered in an ugliest sweater competition at her work. She wore a plain white sweater with a picture of my face printed on it. She came home with first prize. FML

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By you're shitting me - 27/5/2013 05:05 - Australia

Today, after months of tests for mystery nerve pain, I went to get more blood taken only to leave the clinic with an empty tin to collect my bowel movements for the next 72 hours. Which needs to be refrigerated. I live with 4 other people, with one fridge. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2010 22:23 - United States

Today, I became that small percent of people who face three different kinds of complications after their wisdom teeth are removed. FML

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Top comments

By groupleader | 7

#4476211 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:45

Yes a bike job is also known as a bj.

By I_Punch_Babies | 7

#4476223 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:47

you already know his weakness is the refrigerator. dont go grocery shopping and just get.a days worth of food each time you go out. thatll force him to get a real job.

COMMENTS

By KatieKupcake4195 | 9

#4476193 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:43

Well, he's trying.. Maybe. Still, that doesn't sound like it pays enough for rent. FYL, OP.

Bravesfan319 | 11

#4476200 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:44

Fixing one bike is trying? Kinda just seems like a lazy roommate who OP needs to kick out.

KatieKupcake4195 | 9

#4476214 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:45

Perhaps you're right. But at least OP's roommate didn't just flat out say "No." and carry on doing literally nothing :)

Bravesfan319 | 11

#4476235 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:49

Unless it was a motorcycle or dirt bike (which I highly doubt), then I'm guessing it didn't take the roommate more than 15-30 minutes... Max. So it's pretty much like he didn't try lol

ucoolgirl31 | 20

#4476237 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:50

How much is he getting paid??

KatieKupcake4195 | 9

#4476246 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:52

17 - True. I was just trying to give the roommate the benefit of the doubt. Something I find myself doing quite often. I apologize for my stupidity lol

By CALLAHAN4 | 0

#4476197 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:44

he tolled u hard

By TehBoulder | 4

#4476207 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:44

How much did he get?

SecretMe00 | 5

#4476258 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:54

Sounds like a low-life.

Il_Maestro | 6

#4477439 - Thursday 24 May 2012 21:18

He got a shiny new nickel, a free months rent from OPs good nature, and a half a turkey sandwich.

By ladyLALAA | 28

#4476209 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:44

I hope it was some ten year old who gave him $5.

I_Punch_Babies | 7

#4476229 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:49

i bet he paid him in gum.

xcarxcrashx | 9

#4476239 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:50

No one ever pays me in gum :(

ladyLALAA | 28

#4476242 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:51

19, that's because you ate their brains!

ICastillo | 24

#4476608 - Thursday 24 May 2012 17:26

Kill it, kill it now with fire!!!!!

By groupleader | 7

#4476211 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:45

Yes a bike job is also known as a bj.

lonkite101 | 14

#4476421 - Thursday 24 May 2012 16:33

I'd love to give bjs for a living.... If I was a girl!

reddudeover | 2

#4476543 - Thursday 24 May 2012 17:01

35 - So what's your excuse for giving them now? And at only a dollar a piece it's such a deal.

By COOL__Coal | 12

#4476216 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:45

He definitely sounds almost as much if a freeloader as squdward.

asticks | 4

#4477291 - Thursday 24 May 2012 20:34

That would have been funny if you hadn't misspelt squidward.

nofearjenshere | 12

#4477492 - Thursday 24 May 2012 21:38

I'm Squidward, I'm Squidward, I'm Squidward, Squidward, Squidward!

ohSNAPyall | 26

#4478567 - Friday 25 May 2012 2:29

How is Squidward a freeloader? He has his own house!

fadingfaith | 4

#4479554 - Friday 25 May 2012 8:14

I think you meant Mr. Krabs.

Soloman212 | 28

#5424053 - Thursday 28 March 2013 3:09

I think they were referring to the episode where Squidward loses his job because Mr. Krabs thought he stole his first dime.

By IcedJesus | 5

#4476218 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:45

Racking the bills!!

Branflakes78 | 13

#4476765 - Thursday 24 May 2012 18:10

more like Racking the Quarters

By narkui | 10

#4476219 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:47

Threaten to kick him out of he doesn't get his act together. That's sucks tho. GL!:)

By theunwiseone | 4

#4476221 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:47

He has to start from somewhere ;)

By I_Punch_Babies | 7

#4476223 - Thursday 24 May 2012 15:47

you already know his weakness is the refrigerator. dont go grocery shopping and just get.a days worth of food each time you go out. thatll force him to get a real job.

caplox | 6

#4476342 - Thursday 24 May 2012 16:12

OP shouldn't have to limit their groceries because of a lazy roommate.

I_Punch_Babies | 7

#4476368 - Thursday 24 May 2012 16:18

OP also shouldnt have to share food with a lazy bum either.

caplox | 6

#4476431 - Thursday 24 May 2012 16:36

Who says he has to?
I say put a lock on it!

peachesncreem | 21

#4476654 - Thursday 24 May 2012 17:40

#12, please don't punch babies :(

I_Punch_Babies | 7

#4477357 - Thursday 24 May 2012 20:52

it was either punch babies or kick puppies. the former seemed funnier. then again my dark sense of humor is such that only a select few are desensitized to the point that to them it can be allowed to be funny.