Today, I finally picked up my new bank card after my old one...

By annoyed - 28/8/2012 17:50 - United States - North Las Vegas

Today, I finally picked up my new bank card after my old one was stolen. It took the bank six weeks and five separate orders to figure it out, on top of which they've charged me a rush fee. FML

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Money

Proactive

Compassion

Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

By anal-retentive - 23/6/2016 20:00 - United States

Today, in an attempt to spice things up a bit, my boyfriend and I discovered he takes it in the butt better than I do. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2015 05:02 - Canada - Barrie

Today, my 9 year old shitblossom of a sister decided to wake me up by hocking a loogie into my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2016 21:17 - United States - Fremont

Today, my son's teacher asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up. He put down "unemployed". FML

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By honeynuggetviolin - 1/5/2013 00:31

Today, I spent hours playing my guitar and singing in the street, hoping to make some extra cash. About 3 hours in, I realized some punk had been walking around with a hat taking money as if he was with me. FML

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By disappointed dad - 19/5/2013 07:35 - United States

Today, the couch I bought a week ago was delivered. I don't know which is worse: my son being the one to point out it's been "used", or that he used a black light to prove it. FML

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By iwantaraise - 14/10/2015 01:55 - Australia

Today, while on the job as a cop, I was breaking up a loud house party. We were just doing one final check of the house, we walked into the bathroom to find a kid furiously wanking in the bath. This isn't the first time I've seen something like this. FML

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By ChrissySoltys - 2/5/2011 06:39 - Canada

Today, I realized that the black leggings I wear quite often become see-through when I bend over. I have been showing the world my ass as well as my thong for over a month now. FML

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By stupidboys - 6/9/2011 16:42 - United States

Today, I got dumped by my boyfriend after helping him study for his ACT, giving him a back rub, and having really awesome sex with him. His reason for dumping me? He's too stressed out to have a girlfriend right now. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/3/2017 20:00

Today, after saving up for a beautiful new dress to wear to my partners 30th birthday party, it finally arrived in the post. I try the dress on and instantly the stitching rips and leaves two big holes in it. Turns out I'm no longer a size 8. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2012 06:29 - Norway - Oslo

Today, I was really impressed with the man I've been in a relationship with for over 2 years. He had finally really cleaned his apartment. Everything was washed and fixed, even my stuff was cleared from open surfaces. All so his lover would not find out about me. FML

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By Chip - 21/4/2009 10:51 - Australia

Today, I went to a cosmetic dentist and got a chip in my tooth filled in that I’d had since I was 7. I went out later and my friend jokingly hit my head against the table a few times to make fun of me showing off my teeth. He slipped. I fell. I now have 2 chipped teeth and a broken nose. FML

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By RatherOCDthanNasty - 15/2/2017 04:00 - Norway - Oslo

Today, my mum told me I should see a therapist when she saw me wipe down a remote before using it. My dad has a knack for blowing his nose into his hand and wiping it on his pants, and my mum is the kind to pick up food residue from the drain and eat it - but sure, I'M the one with bad habits. FML

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By ifeeldirty - 27/10/2011 12:22 - United States

Today, my dad walked in on me and my girlfriend having sex. His only reaction was to mutter, "Put some back into it, son." before awkwardly sidling out. FML

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By Hurrikhan - 23/3/2013 11:43 - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, I lost my dog and so I put up 'lost' signs. As I was coming back home I noticed one had been written on. It said: "Found your dog. Keeping it". FML

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By budadepressed - 18/7/2016 21:22 - United States - Burnsville

Today, due to a scheduling error, I spent an entire day and night in an airport, over 30 hours in total. Just as I arrived at the gate, I was informed that my flight had been delayed for another 2 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2010 13:24 - Tanzania United Republic of

Today, I was driving along when I saw a hot girl walking. I decided to impress her by doing a 180 degree turn. Successfully pulling off my trick, I decided to back up so I could go the right way. Not looking behind, I backed up and smashed into a wall. FML

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By j4 - 19/12/2014 23:27 - United Kingdom

Today, my date mugged me, just minutes after I paid our bill at the restaurant. FML

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By mylifesucks - 10/7/2013 20:10 - United States - Ellijay

Today, I was walking down the street and saw a man trip over a sign. He then grabbed his cane, started screaming, and began beating the sign. Apparently that didn't release his anger, so he began to beat the nearest car. I thought it was hilarious, until I noticed it was my car. FML

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By Colbasaur - 24/6/2010 14:29 - United States

Today, I won an academic award during an assembly. Everyone laughed, followed by booing. FML

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By MADfml - 26/2/2009 03:12 - United States

Today, I went to my crushes Mardi Gras party. He was handing out beads to all the girls at the party that flashed him. When he came around to me he stopped and said "I will give you these beads NOT to flash me." FML

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By skinnyguy23 - 10/9/2014 22:40 - United States - Briarcliff Manor

Today, I received a package. When my mom asked what I had bought, I had told her that I had ordered dumbbells and was going to start lifting. She laughed her way into the kitchen. FML

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By Rimmy Jobs - 21/8/2012 16:39 - United States

Today, after volleyball practice, I noticed my pants were missing. Now I have to go to work wearing spandex bottoms, all because one of my teammates is a thieving douche. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2013 07:35 - United States - Norfolk

Today, I was laid off from my job as a manager. After cleaning out my office, I began clearing my computer. I received an email from HR announcing a job position that opened up. Too bad it was for my job. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2009 11:05 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend of over a year finally told me he loved me. This revelation was quickly followed by "at least, I think this is how people feel when they say that." FML

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By wth? - 13/12/2013 15:10 - United Kingdom - Rotherham

Today, my cousin started sending sarcastic love messages to me. I replied, with even cheesier lines. Then she rang me saying she was so glad I felt the same way. Turns out she wasn't being sarcastic. FML

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By Pissssd - 31/8/2009 01:56 - United States

Today, I interviewed for a job at a pharmaceutical lab. During the interview, I said something about a past work experience that made the interviewers think that I would enjoy doing something similar to that... so they gave me a warehouse job instead. I have a degree in chemistry and biology. FML

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By Betrayed - 27/8/2012 06:11 - United States

Today, I attended my college roommate's wedding. We were best friends for 4 years, but have only talked occasionally since graduation. I was looking forward to meeting her new husband, having heard so much about him during our conversations. Turns out she forgot to mention he's my ex. FML

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By ShamefulShoop - 31/5/2018 19:00

cringe intensifies

Today, I took my mother grocery shopping. From the opposite end of the snack aisle, she yelled, "They don't have my darkies! Ya know how I like my darkies!” She was talking about dark pretzels. I don’t think the appalled black couple next to me knew that. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2017 20:00

Today, I was crying after a bad day at work. As I walked down the street, a young boy in a minivan tried to get my attention. He kept saying, "Hi, hi, please wave!" in a sad voice. When I politely waved at him, I saw a group of kids in the van giggling hysterically and taking pictures of me. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2013 22:57 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I came across some bubble wrap. Turned out it was a special type of bubble wrap that cannot be popped. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2020 20:04

High school drama

Today, I found out the promise ring my boyfriend of 4 months gave me used to be his ex-girlfriend's. FML

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By AuraOfJustice - 12/3/2011 14:43 - United States

Today, I was texting a girl I like. Every message she sent came ten minutes after I sent her a message. When I told her "I've to go", she responded almost instantly with an "Ok, bye". FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2009 00:22 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my boyfriend in his room, wearing his boxers. He told me this story about how one time he had diarrhea when he was stuck in traffic and had not choice but to poop himself. I asked him what prompted this story. He said I was wearing the boxers he pooped in. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2017 10:00 - China - Chengdu

Today, while licking maple syrup off my wife during foreplay, I probably shouldn't have referred to her breasts as pancakes. FML

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By DontGetSlapped - 18/2/2013 00:24 - United States - Conway

Today, my mom called me a "heartless bitch" for eating the last Hot Pocket. This is coming from a woman who, just last week, faked having cancer to get out of a speeding ticket. FML

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By Literal Baby-Daddy - 2/7/2017 15:00 - United Kingdom - Middlesbrough

Today, my toddler threw a screaming, rampaging fit, because I ate the last chocolate mousse from the fridge. Did I forget to mention said toddler is actually my 52 year old dad? FML

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By GoogleOFF - 7/7/2020 08:08

Alexa, fuck off

Today, my Google Home decided the TV told it to play 'Despacito'. It didn't. Google then decided I wasn't yelling at it to turn it off. I was. FML

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By McFuckYouTooCunt - 11/6/2015 13:44 - Australia - Bellevue Hill

Today, a customer yelled, "I'll bash your fuckin' face in, cunt" at me at 9:30am because we don't serve the lunch menu at breakfast time. Yes, the 15-year-old girl in high school is responsible for McDonald's entire menu. FML

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By thatsasquee - 21/5/2011 06:42 - Canada

Today, I called my mom and I got voicemail: "Hello, this is Joyce. I'm not here at the moment, so leave a message and I will call back as soon as possible. Except if it's Sophie. If it is, get the hell out of my life, biiitch." I'm Sophie. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2018 14:00

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. When she saw the ring, she got so excited that she ran to kiss me and it flew out of my hand, over the balcony of our suite, and fell roughly 45 stories straight down. I could feel my wallet screaming as a £4000 diamond vanished into the night. FML

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Top comments

By happyface92 | 3

#4871557 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 23:48

You need to switch banks

By DocBastard | 38

#4871570 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 23:49

It should have taken no more than 2 days. Banks are a dime a dozen - find a new one.

COMMENTS

By JTthePurpleNinja | 5

#4871554 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 23:48

You should complain !

blade4080 | 7

#4871595 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 23:55

You don't say? Hmmm.

linstar | 13

#4871641 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 0:15

You should complain on their Facebook page, they don't want the bad publicity so they'll be pretty keen to show the world 'they care' and will do something about it.

marmlr339 | 14

#4871692 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 0:37

Demand a refund and threaten to change banks. I dunno about in the US, but in Australia it works every time!

domking1315 | 20

#4871708 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 0:43

Wait #10 you consider yourself a god??

a_commenter | 3

#4871769 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 0:57

Thank you for your glorious insight, you wise elder. Please disperse more of your ancient knowledge.

JTthePurpleNinja | 5

#4871997 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 2:38

Well usually when you complain to the company, shit gets done. Some of you guys leave some childish comments...

musicluvr2000 | 11

#4872142 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 3:45

No! You should go and tell them how much of a good job they're doing! Or even better... high-five them!

*note the sarcasm*

natiscool101 | 0

#4872495 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 8:14

JTthePurpleNinja | 5

#4875508 - Thursday 30 August 2012 1:53

Right...
Gotta love the Internet trolls and keyboard warriors. Yeah, I left a blatant yet relevant comment. Calm down, shit...

By happyface92 | 3

#4871557 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 23:48

You need to switch banks

SweetAsHell | 9

#4871683 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 0:36

Switch banks, then rob your old one.
Problem solved.

domking1315 | 20

#4871718 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 0:44

You forgot the evil kitten laugh muamoewmoewmoewmoew

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#4871859 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 1:25

To rob a bank, you need a gun. To rob the world, you need a bank. word.

RaggleFrock | 13

#4872392 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 7:00

41- that's the most sense you have ever made.

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#4872919 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 12:15

Bitch, you don't know me!!!! Biiiiiitch!!

Xarzith | 9

#6581835 - Sunday 17 April 2016 0:40

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By twilightriforce | 10

#4871561 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 23:49

Sorry to hear that OP. Maybe it's time to start using a new bank.

By TurtleSmile | 14

#4871567 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 23:49

Yuck. I'm sorry to hear that, OP. Hopefully you didn't get mugged and robbed of all that straight cash you must have been carrying around.

By DocBastard | 38

#4871570 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 23:49

It should have taken no more than 2 days. Banks are a dime a dozen - find a new one.

a_commenter | 3

#4871779 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 0:59

Intentional pun?

DocBastard | 38

#4871789 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 1:03

Always.

dinorider_fml | 4

#4871989 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 2:35

It would make sense that it was a pun

hutch66 | 13

#4872100 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 3:30

It would make cents if it was a pun.

saintsrocksocks | 10

#4872107 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 3:32

You're trying too hard 62.

jovizzle | 8

#4872174 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 4:00

Hey 63... 0 confirmed out of 14 posted? You also clearly graduated from TryHard University.

dinorider_fml | 4

#4872501 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 8:17

62- dang, that was the pun I was trying to go for, I guess I wasn't clear enough. Maybe I could get a little CREDIT though (still trying)

By Welshite | 39

#4871573 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 23:50

Don't let them get away with this. Complain daily if you have to.

By rockurheart | 9

#4871575 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 23:50

wow wtf? thats bs, i feel ya :I

By bones_17 | 5

#4871584 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 23:53

Guess the bank is trying to make you save your money!! :/

corruptedlol | 2

#4871626 - Wednesday 29 August 2012 0:08

Banks hate money savers. They want you to spend money. Especially theirs.

By kroekdog | 7

#4871597 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 23:56

Everyone loves Rush...

By Turtle_rebellion | 10

#4871603 - Tuesday 28 August 2012 23:59

6 weeks? All they had to do was change a card.

*cringe intensifies*

High school drama

Alexa, fuck off

cringe intensifies