Today, I fell asleep and dreamed that I had won $500,000. In...

By boring - 10/5/2010 10:14 - New Zealand

Today, I fell asleep and dreamed that I had won $500,000. In my dream, I used this money to buy a new MP3 Player, and then put the rest in a term deposit. Even in my dreams, I'm the most boring person I know. FML

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33628

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Money

Family values

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Fairytale ending

By Anonymous - 27/9/2009 18:12 - United States

Today, I was walking with my girlfriend when a little guy walked up and flirted with her. I'm a pretty weak guy and he looked weaker, so I gave him a little push and said "Back off". He's actually not weak at all. I've got a black eye and a girlfriend who won't stop laughing to prove it. FML

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16376

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By Anonymous - 17/8/2018 03:30

Today, my boyfriend and I were looking up sexy clothes for me to wear while role-playing. I saw something I liked and asked him if we should get it. When he saw the model wearing it in the picture, he asked "Does it come with the girl?" FML

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By Kristen Duncan - 1/8/2017 20:00 - United States - Spokane

Today, I just drank a sip of beer and felt something so I spit it out... It was an earwig. FML

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4429

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396

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By WTF? - 3/10/2013 16:42 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I got kicked out of English class shortly after our teacher told us we have to write an essay on how the storyline of Harry Potter is one big allegory for "the futility of socialism." Apparently, reacting with disbelief makes me a "disruptive influence." FML

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By PlzSendBlankets - 27/6/2016 02:00 - United States

Today, marks three days since I was supposed to follow the moving truck to my new home. Instead, I got super sick and my dad drove away without me. I've been laying on a dog cushion the entire weekend because my bed is 500 miles away. FML

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12680

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By sam.exe - 29/4/2016 19:26 - United States - New York

Today, I was declined a sales position at a local store. As I headed out, I heard the interviewer telling a colleague, "Christ. That kid had less charisma than Microsoft Sam." FML

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13030

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By Bozo - 31/8/2012 07:57 - United States - Saukville

Today, I got a perm in an attempt to prove to my family that I'd been doing well with my life since I last saw them almost a year ago. I ended up going over for dinner looking like Bozo the Clown thanks to my idiot stylist, and my brothers wouldn't stop mocking me about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9596

You deserved it

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By loserface - 23/2/2009 22:50 - United States

Today, I was interviewing a cute guy for my journalism class, and he asked to borrow my laptop to check his email quickly. After the interview, I realized that the last thing I had searched for on my browser's Google box was "ingrown pubic hairs," and it was still up there. FML

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20196

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By Sad.To.Be.Me. - 13/1/2012 23:56 - United States

Today, I was watching TV with my boyfriend, when a World of Warcraft commercial came on. He turned to me and said, "Yeah, I'd choose the Horde over you any day." FML

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By mama bear - 16/10/2019 18:00

Call the Midwife-slash-Locksmith

Today, my one-year-old son locked me out of the house. I had no spare key and both him and my 4-month-old decided that was the perfect time to scream bloody murder. FML

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By maddiecat - 8/1/2013 05:34 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I saw Les Misérables. I was singing along to one of the songs when the guy next to me dumped his soda over my head and told me to shut up. FML

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19379

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By colebear - 27/5/2011 08:45 - United States

Today, I went to hand in a job application, and the supervisor wanted to ask me a few questions. I was nervous so I kept touching the fabric on a nearby display table. Only after I left did my friend tell me it was a pantie display, and that I was fondling underwear. FML

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29690

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2013 03:42 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I learned that no matter how much of a nerd a girl claims to be, she is not ready for you to speak Klingon during sex. FML

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By 4fingerdiscount - 13/9/2016 11:07 - United States - Knoxville

Today, my bitch of a boss sent out a group text saying she'd had a chainsaw accident and lost the tips of 4 of her fingers and would be out indefinitely. When I told my boyfriend, his immediate response was to grab my phone and reply "I'm stumped, I don't know what to say." She hasn't responded yet. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2012 12:39 - Australia

Today, I walked into two things. The first was a spiderweb. The second, due to blind panic, was oncoming traffic. FML

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By Doubleyew1 - 2/8/2010 23:43 - United States

Today, the cute guy I met on Halloween finally decided to meet up with me after almost 10 months of phone calls, IM, and emails. He was noticeably disappointed and said I looked different. On Halloween I had full face zombie makeup. FML

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By nothingtoseeherejuststealingtrees - 5/4/2016 20:31 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I met my neighbor. When she saw me cutting down trees on my lot, she interrogated me and called the police because she didn't believe I owned the property. She didn't call the cops when she watched someone steal a cord of wood from my property two days ago. FML

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By Username - 7/3/2010 17:41 - France

Today, the guy that I have been seeing for over a year left on a business trip. While straightening out his room as a favor, I noticed he took his condoms with him. FML

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By yeah okay then - 3/8/2012 23:50 - United Kingdom - Brentwood

Today, I decided to be nice and pay a social visit to my slightly deranged grandpa. I ended up politely sitting through two hours of him lecturing me on how he "invented the modern tap", then on how sex is an Illuminati invention to "give sluts the STDs they need to kill us all". FML

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21833

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By damaged - 4/11/2015 03:24 - United States - La Verne

Today, I drove in heavy rain for the first time, by myself. I had been told to drive below the speed limit, and be extra careful of the cars around me. Nobody had told me about thunder scaring a cow that would then escape from the corral and hit my car. FML

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26593

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2013 01:03 - United States

Today, I told my roommates they have to go get jobs, because I can't afford to support them or their bad habits any more. They responded by pawning all my DVDs for cash to buy cigarettes. FML

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By fulloshit - 28/11/2010 02:17 - United States

Today, I woke up with extreme stomach pains. After being rushed to the hospital and having numerous tests performed, I was told my intestines were over-stretched with stool. I'm essentially so full of shit it hurts. FML

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By 97 - 17/2/2012 21:10 - United States

Today, I was so broke and hungry that I went to Olive Garden and faked being stood up, just so I could eat their breadsticks. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2010 05:28 - Canada

Today, during an episode of King of Queens that my boyfriend has seen more than once, I decided I'd try to get a little frisky. I straddled him while he was on the bed and began taking my clothes of. He pushed me out of the way and said, 'don't get naked in front of the TV.' FML

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By don't get paid enough for this - 11/7/2015 02:20 - United States - Youngstown

Today, while at my shitty, minimum wage job at McDonalds, a guy walked out of the bathroom. He said "Good luck in there." worriedly, then left. I don't know if it was his handiwork, but it looked like a shit grenade had detonated. It was even on the walls. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2010 00:44 - United States

Today, I attempted to be nice and hold a door open for a person in a wheelchair. He hit the button to open another door. While I pointed out that I would hold the door for him, I realized that the door I was holding open for him led down some stairs. FML

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By Noname - 13/3/2009 20:03 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were choosing animals that reminded us of eachother. I said he reminded me of a tiger because he is really muscular. He told me I reminded him of a zebra. When I asked him why, he said it was because of my stretchmarks. FML

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By ThoroughlyCreepedOut - 7/3/2010 00:22 - United States

Today, while in a public restroom, a man entered the stall next to me and began vigorously wanking. He finished quickly, but as he was leaving he peeped in at me through the crack in the stall door. FML

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By foreverAlone - 4/4/2016 19:40 - United States - Chesapeake Beach

Today, I met a cute girl. She seemed really sweet and I was heartbroken to find out that she had fallen on hard times and was living in a shelter. I asked her if I could take her out to lunch. She said, "No." I can't even get a date with a homeless girl. FML

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By rach - 19/5/2013 22:33 - United States - Roy

Today, I got my nails, hair, and makeup professionally done for prom. My dad got his camera out, and I presumed he was taking pictures of my date and me. When I looked at the pictures later, they were all of the dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2014 23:57 - United States - Lafayette

Today, I was finally given a parking spot at work. It turns out to be between an expensive sports car that never parks straight and a giant truck too big for its space. FML

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45972

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By theuglyfriend - 17/7/2012 06:09 - United States - Riverbank

Today, I went to a coffee shop with my friend. The guy rang her up and said it was only a dollar as he winked at her $10 purchase. Then he rang me up at completely full price. She got his number and I got to be the ugly friend once again. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2013 22:00 - United Kingdom - Romford

Today, a man wearing a Santa hat stumbled out of a bar, staggered over to my car, and vomited through the open window into my lap. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/11/2010 12:07 - Sweden

Today, I was late for work and got chewed out by my boss. To console myself I decided to drink a cup of coffee and a cup of tea. My work provides this for free. When I did, my boss told me that in fact it wasn't, nor has it ever been, free; all this time I've been stealing other people's coffee. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2010 04:47 - United States

Today, I woke up very excited because I was going on my first date with this guy I really liked. I dressed very nicely and went to where we were supposed to meet. I waited for about 2 hours. I called him to ask him where he was. He got angry because he was still sleeping and I woke him up. FML

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By K3you - 4/7/2011 23:42 - United States

Today, my fiancé broke off our engagement after he saw one of my baby pictures. He said our future kids just wouldn't look right. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/2/2013 16:11 - Canada - Stoney Creek

Today, my fiancé told me that it would be okay with him if I got plastic surgery to make my boobs larger. It would also be okay with him if I didn't get the surgery, but he would call off our engagement and never talk to me again. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/5/2013 03:27 - United States - Utica

Today, after spending a week defending my marriage to everyone, I found out my husband has an addiction I never knew about. Hookers. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2012 11:54 - Sweden

Today, I've had chairs thrown at me, kicks have hit me in the nuts and I've heard "I'm gonna fucking kill you, bitch" several times. I work at a kindergarten. And this is a good day compared to what I'm used to. FML

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By L_M_AND_R_L - 24/6/2016 14:15 - United States

Today, I asked my mom not to bring her dog to my wedding, since he's a real pain in the ass. She told me not to worry about it because she didn't feel like going anyway. FML

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Top comments

By gabyta | 1

#990451 - Monday 10 May 2010 16:24

ahahah yeah at least u should have buy an iPod

By lettertjes | 0

#990469 - Monday 10 May 2010 16:43

Oh I have plenty of boring dreams. I like it. When I have a superhero dream I always wake up stressed from the responsibility of having to save the world. I prefer the boring ones.

Comments

By Allison_H | 0

#990446 - Monday 10 May 2010 16:22

COMMENT VIRGINITY.

tsc32 | 2

#990447 - Monday 10 May 2010 16:22

haha

michael419 | 0

#990448 - Monday 10 May 2010 16:23

I would buy a bunch of green fun plants!!! and then I shall smoketh them!

Allison_H | 0

#990449 - Monday 10 May 2010 16:23

SWEET!! Anyways, maybe you should just get out more often, find some people you like, and just try to have fun.
DAFP!!

rohosoccer08 | 1

#990450 - Monday 10 May 2010 16:23

then get out and do something! make friends!

Xanax_Pazzo | 0

#990452 - Monday 10 May 2010 16:25

haha I'd def. buy a bunch of teacup yorkie puppies. and then a new iPhone cuz mine is all scratched up! lol

iluvcucumbers | 0

#990453 - Monday 10 May 2010 16:25

haha your life is soo lame

Allison_H | 0

#990456 - Monday 10 May 2010 16:26

Hey, comment virginity is better than first. :D

clivealmighty | 0

#990463 - Monday 10 May 2010 16:36

I would save day shit too ); maybe take some out every once in a while but yeaaah xo or give some to breast cancer my aunt has breast cancer xo you can do a lot o-o

imbatman_fml | 0

#990475 - Monday 10 May 2010 16:52

I would buy 100,000 $5 puppies and play with them all day.

fertie226 | 1

#990476 - Monday 10 May 2010 16:53

then do something about it now!! make a list of things you've always wanted to do, and start doing them!!! =]

rohosoccer08 | 1

#990482 - Monday 10 May 2010 17:00

a bucket list!

dennis326us | 0

#990483 - Monday 10 May 2010 17:02

how s ur iPhone scratched? I was told it can never be scratched even by keys and knife.

TheComputerGuy96 | 14

#990484 - Monday 10 May 2010 17:06

With sandpaper you can scratch it very easily.

dennis326us | 0

#990489 - Monday 10 May 2010 17:12

33 thx. I ll keep it away from sandpaper. however, who would put sandpaper and iPhone in the same pocket? :)

Cricketiscool | 0

#990499 - Monday 10 May 2010 17:24

500,000 dollars for a term? You're school must be the best in the world.

rohosoccer08 | 1

#990501 - Monday 10 May 2010 17:24

my phone has a scrach on the screen from the thing on my pants when I pulled it out of my pocket

zerobahamut03 | 2

#990511 - Monday 10 May 2010 17:46

omg that's so freaking cute I might explode with just the thought. lol. let's play with them together!!! then again... what kind of puppies would cost $5.00? stuffed toy puppies?.... >_>

rustic | 0

#990512 - Monday 10 May 2010 17:46

I would buy a car and awesome gaming pc and allot of other stuff xD

buddybudda | 0

#990515 - Monday 10 May 2010 17:52

buy some mushrooms. buy some beer. buy som hot hookers. and you would be a fun person.

ROFLBERRYPIE | 0

#990516 - Monday 10 May 2010 17:53

Why is there no IDC Button??

BoyFromTheFuture | 0

#990518 - Monday 10 May 2010 18:04

way to be awesome and smart. just look for some good investments and you can dream retire early.

Reyo | 2

#990532 - Monday 10 May 2010 19:01

I hate dreams like that. I always wake up, realize none of what I just experienced actually happened, and have a horrible day because of it.

Every time.

iSitt | 0

#990552 - Monday 10 May 2010 20:25

the op has good instincts.
dont be like the Greek politicians.
a half mil is NOT alot when it comes to your old age.

don't be a poopscoop for 100,000 puppies

tweetbaby14 | 17

#990555 - Monday 10 May 2010 20:50

yea it's very boring to get half a mil OP. if that does happen you should just give me the money since it's soooo boring.

ladiesman14 | 0

#990586 - Monday 10 May 2010 22:52

aww sorry babe , do you you put out ? if yes you are not boring to me.

atticuz | 2

#990612 - Tuesday 11 May 2010 0:21

42, op is not talking about school lol fail....

cutiepo0 | 0

#990660 - Tuesday 11 May 2010 2:58

I'm not sure if there's supposed to be a difference, but I have an iPod touch, and the back was completely scratched by the case- specifically designed for iPod touch protection- ironic, no?

sharpl916 | 0

#990664 - Tuesday 11 May 2010 3:05

I destroyed north America with my overlordly power in my dreams! them firefighter didn't stand a chance!

someguy153 | 0

#990680 - Tuesday 11 May 2010 3:49

91st, cocksuckers!

pipp360 | 0

#990695 - Tuesday 11 May 2010 4:15

27 is too old to pose like that

bezach | 0

#990767 - Tuesday 11 May 2010 7:46

by having it fall off a four story building is one way...I miss my iPod now I'm usin this one!

Jessi2487 | 0

#990772 - Tuesday 11 May 2010 7:59

new zealand sounds boring

Crotcho_fml | 0

#990782 - Tuesday 11 May 2010 8:27

OP is stupid... if it were real life, you'd be the rich one in your older age & everyone else would still be broke. that's not "boring"

chitown98766 | 0

#990789 - Tuesday 11 May 2010 8:46

id get some pu$$y with that money.
COLLATERAL!!! COLLATERAL!!!!!!!! OH YEAH

redpump | 0

#990834 - Tuesday 11 May 2010 14:30

#42... it's not a school's term. A term deposit is when u put money into a bank for a specific period of time at one rate.

crashsapphire93 | 4

#1384301 - Friday 10 September 2010 21:45

It's still boring it's just a lot more profitable.

By gabyta | 1

#990451 - Monday 10 May 2010 16:24

ahahah yeah at least u should have buy an iPod

do20ss | 4

#990488 - Monday 10 May 2010 17:11

u buy booze, drugs, and maybe a couple 'pros' and then u get fuuuuukd up, and then u get an mp3 player(cheap ass) and then with the last $800 u put in the bank, save that for bail!!!