Intimacy: Today, I explained to my roommate that if she kept using all...

By Palindromesque - 04/09/2013 09:07 - United States - Seattle

Today, I explained to my roommate that if she kept using all of our kitchen utensils as sex toys and hoarding them because of the varying degrees of orgasms she could achieve, we wouldn't be able to cook or eat in our own house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 871

You deserved it 4 238

Palindromesque tells us more.

Palindromesque 21

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Thursday 5 September 2013 12:28

Hi all, OP here! I'm crying with laughter-you all are hilarious, seriously! To respond to some questions-I discovered my roommate's predilection for silverware and kitchen implements when I poked my head into her room to tell her something and saw an open drawer with a good collection of my utensils. She was actually quite forthcoming, and explained in jaw-dropping detail some uses for a number of them. We've agreed that she can go ahead and keep what she's "used," and that she'll replace the implements now and in future...no cross contamination, she promises. Overall, I'm glad she's sensually creative, so I don't feel the need to resort to hot sauce or splinters! I just fear for the next time she's browsing in the kitchen-I may not be able to scramble eggs for breakfast.

Intimacy

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

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You just had to be special

Insane parents

By Anonymous - 31/08/2020 11:08 - United States - Sammamish

Today, I found out that 20 years ago, when my friends would call to talk to me after I started being homeschooled, my parents told them we were moving. We never moved. I could never understand why all of my friends stopped talking to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 316

You deserved it 102

Not the sharpest tool

By Anonymous - 10/07/2021 02:01

Today, it became apparent that my new boyfriend has the mental process where unless you give him specific instructions, he can’t do anything right. Such as when asking him to let the dog out, it won’t occur to him to let the dog back in until I get home. By then the dog had destroyed the garden out of boredom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 793

You deserved it 220

By Anonymous - 21/12/2010 05:43 - United States

Today, one of my usually unpleasant managers offered me a slice of cheese cake for doing a good job. I declined, but after some pestering on his part I finally accepted it. I have been violently ill for the past 2 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 595

You deserved it 3 859

By idislikeblanks - 30/01/2013 07:03 - United States - Lathrop

Today, my 5-year-old nephew had the most amazing idea: to play a game with my keys. He took out all ten keys individually and hid them around the house. So far it's been two hours and I haven't found a single one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 797

You deserved it 4 096

By Anonymous - 02/03/2019 14:00

Today, I went to pick up a pizza with my kids for an easy dinner. As soon as I opened my mouth to order, the 2-year-old in my arms vomited into it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 270

You deserved it 229

By Anonymous - 04/11/2013 11:39

Today, I was telling my friends a story. I added a few "embellishments" to make it more intense. One my friends piped up with, "I was with you, half of what you just said wasn't true". It's now all over Facebook and I'm known as "The Bullshitter". FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 046

You deserved it 71 791

I'M ALSO HERE

By Steiner - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Troy

Today, my relatives won't acknowledge my existence unless I'm posting a picture of my cat. They only talk about the cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 757

You deserved it 3 487

By M2thaM - 29/05/2009 05:23 - United States

Today, I was trying to flirt with the guy I like using body language, so I leaned over this counter in a sensual way. I happened to have a fork, so I went to bite the tip that sexy way people do in movies. I accidentally stabbed myself in the lip, cutting it. My lunch had jalapeños in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 574

You deserved it 56 675

By Anonymous - 11/07/2011 07:42 - Australia

Today, I got home from work to find my house covered in graffiti dicks, the windows smashed, the front lawn entirely ripped up, and my letter box containing dog shit. I also found a note taped to the door saying, "Suck on this Darren". Darren is my next door neighbor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 507

You deserved it 3 273

By Bailey - 05/04/2011 04:04 - Canada

Today, my four year old daughter came up to me with her finger in her ear. She then let me know that her earwax tasted better than the dinner I made. In front of my whole family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 371

You deserved it 6 691

By Anonymous - 12/05/2017 16:00

Today, while I was eating spicy wings, I suddenly sneezed. I was sitting in front of a fan and effectively maced myself when my spicy sneeze blew back into my face and eyes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 884

You deserved it 710

By Winxy - 29/04/2015 22:44 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my three-year-old nephew chose to jump out of a window and break his arm rather than be babysat by me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 515

You deserved it 4 358

By Benchlover - 10/10/2016 12:18 - United Kingdom

Today, I realized two things: how much time I've spent waiting between lectures, and just how bad my love life is. I found out that I get incredibly jealous when somebody sits on my favourite bench in the centre of the campus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 169

You deserved it 1 101

By Anonymous - 15/02/2011 14:31 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. I was excited because of all the wall posts I got on Facebook. Then I saw I got a "Happy Birthday" from the girl my boyfriend cheated on me with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 822

You deserved it 7 431

No rest

By Anonymous - 30/10/2021 11:00

Today, I'd booked a day off work so I could sit and read books all day. I told my wife this, and her response was basically, "Well since you're at home not doing anything important, here’s a list of jobs that need doing." I wasn’t aware enjoying reading counted as doing nothing important. FML

I agree, your life sucks 613

You deserved it 307

By not drunk - 28/10/2014 18:04 - Brazil - Santa Maria

Today, I've been one year sober. My health has improved a lot, unlike my social life, which has died a horrible, lonely death. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 515

You deserved it 4 685

By testom - 17/04/2015 18:15 - Netherlands - Rotterdam

Today, my husband accidentally erased some pictures from our hard drive. No worries, nothing major: just everything from our wedding and the birth of our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 624

You deserved it 3 956

By grossfoot - 31/08/2010 06:14 - United States

Today, while getting on the subway, I tripped over the gap between the train and the platform. My flip-flop caught on the edge, and fell into the gap. I had to walk home with one flip-flop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 879

You deserved it 9 411

By jason - 24/04/2009 13:24 - United States

Today, I came home to find a car parked in my assigned space. Pissed off, I left a note on the car's windshield saying, "Hey Assface, thanks for parking in my spot. I spat on your door handle." It turns out it was my girlfriend's parent's car. They took us out to dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 257

You deserved it 76 570

By Mandy - 09/05/2009 06:19 - United States

Today, I finished a drawing that I spent over 14 hours working on for my mom for Mother's Day. I took it outside to seal it with fixative. I took of the clear lid, shook the can, then sprayed red spray paint all over my art. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 644

You deserved it 24 626

Great date, thanks!

By Anonymous - 28/03/2009 18:50 - United States

Today, I was on a first date with a girl at the movies. Trying to be polite, I held in a fart until an intense, loud action scene came on. As soon as I let go, the scene went silent and my fart was clearly heard to everyone in the movie theatre. My date went to the bathroom. She didn't come back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 770

You deserved it 83 444

By Anon O'Mous - 02/01/2012 15:38 - United States

Today, I was taking a shower at the gym when hearing a loud popping noise. Surprised and startled, I jumped and slipped, hitting my head against the shower wall that left a small gash. The pop noise was just someone blowing bubbles from their gum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 523

You deserved it 5 677

By Duplighost - 12/01/2012 20:16 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's Marine dad walked in on us fooling around naked. Now we can only hang out with "parental supervision". Oh, and I have to record my visits on a clipboard by the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 726

You deserved it 39 985

By Anonymous - 13/07/2013 20:26 - Canada - Poplar Hill

Today, I announced my third pregnancy to my family. My dad's only reaction was to scoff, "Really? Stop breeding already." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 198

You deserved it 15 781

Not how it works...

By Anonymous - 28/02/2017 00:00 - Canada

Today, my classmate told me she can copy an article from the internet and hand that in, as long as she cites it at the end. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 953

You deserved it 401

By Anonymous - 13/11/2018 17:30

Today, it's been weeks since I made a Facebook page to arrange something for my birthday as no one was able to attend last year on short notice. Everyone was game but now everyone is flaking. One friend even said, "I'll see who RSVPs and then decide." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 893

You deserved it 214

By Anonymous - 26/08/2011 17:49 - United States

Today, I had to take my dog to the vet for him to be put to sleep. I could feel the cold, hard shaft of irony slide its way up my ass and slowly fuck me senseless with every step I took on this beautiful National Dog Day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 588

You deserved it 6 091

By twofade - 24/10/2018 23:00 - United States

Today, after a year and a half of growing out my hair, I decided to get it trimmed at a Superclips. I walked in with a full head of hair and I left bald. At least it was free. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 777

You deserved it 316

By shawnsmuffins - 20/03/2015 02:23 - United States - Tampa

Today, after telling my parents that I want to be a vegetarian, I got grounded. Apparently, "black people can't be vegetarians" and, I'm "crazy for even suggesting something like that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 067

You deserved it 5 332

Neverending story

By Anonymous - 09/07/2021 11:01

Today, it's my birthday. We were supposed to be going to a nice Italian restaurant at 6.30 p.m. Instead, the whole region is going into a snap lockdown from 6 p.m., due to the recent community transmissions of Covid-19. Happy Birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 808

You deserved it 104

By Anonymous - 24/02/2017 03:00 - Finland

Today, my sad ass got walked in on by a relative while I was having an imaginary conversation, with an imaginary friend, and I was talking out loud. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 067

You deserved it 2 243

By Anonymous - 22/03/2013 06:13 - United States

Today, I finally built up the courage to quit my job. I waited an hour to speak to the boss; I finally sat down with her, and she told me I had to be let go because I'm not "reliable enough." The only time I missed work was when I had the stomach flu. I was fired before I could even quit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 884

You deserved it 3 458

By Lililaloose - 24/12/2008 04:11 - France

Today, while I was looking for a file on my boyfriend's hard drive, I came across photos of a half-naked woman wearing my clothes, but whose head wasn't really visible. When I demanded an explanation, I realised that it wasn't another girl - it was him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 822

You deserved it 3 572

By Anonomous - 08/12/2014 17:58 - Canada - Whitby

Today, I went on a date with a girl who had to cut our date short so she could go on another one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 815

You deserved it 3 883

Are you OK, hun?

By Lillian - 25/12/2020 01:58 - United States

Today, I walked into a store to buy a type of bread I like. The stuff was sold out, so I asked an employee when they'll be restocking it. The employee yelled at me, because, "They do have that bread," walks to the isle, and then when she saw that they really were out of the bread, she walked off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 116

You deserved it 112

By feeling dusty - 11/03/2018 06:00

Today, my husband and I were about to have sex for the first time in months. We wanted to spice things up by using chocolate sauce during a blowjob, but the chocolate glued his foreskin to his penis and he cried. Safe to say the dry spell continues. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 680

You deserved it 1 520

By Anonymous - 10/12/2009 17:35 - United States

Today, my math TA showed the class how one of her "dumb" students answered a test question. Everyone laughed as she wrote out the students answer, including myself, until I looked down at my answer sheet and saw that I submitted an identical answer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 910

You deserved it 29 887

By LonelyMonkey - 12/11/2009 19:39 - United States

Today, I received an eviction notice taped to my door stating my landlord is selling his property and moving out of the country in 13 days. My landlord is my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 355

You deserved it 3 271

By big steve - 11/02/2012 18:35 - United States

Today, I had to call AAA for the fifth time in two months. When the driver got out, I instantly recognized him. It was the same guy who helped me out all the previous occasions. When he saw me, he snorted and doubled over laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 763

You deserved it 6 219

By biscuit - 07/01/2011 05:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to walk three miles home from work. Both my parents were at home. The reason they wouldn't collect me is apparently because I've "gotten so fat, your grandma cried after she saw you". FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 375

You deserved it 25 763

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Top comments

Welshite 39

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 18:48

Actually, I would just throw them away. You wouldn't see me using them in the kitchen after she's been at them.

RedPillSucks 31

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 18:51

How does she use the can opener or bottle opener or the egg beater? Actually, I don't really want to know.

Welshite 39

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 18:48

Actually, I would just throw them away. You wouldn't see me using them in the kitchen after she's been at them.

nottohappybride 9

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 18:49

I completely agree. I would get new ones at the dollar store incase your roommate keeps this up.

perdix 29

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 19:12

#1, nah, that's too expensive. Just wash them thoroughly with bleach and inspect them with a magnifying glass for hairs. You should be ok after that.

KawaiiCupcake 14

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 19:42

Why go the sex store when you can get FREE toys at home.

tanekdrachonae 19

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 21:27

Hey, does anyone else hate run on sentences?

ifavela89 13

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 21:43

that's gross throw them away. who does that? how old is she?

EffYoLife 14

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 22:58

you're disgusting

simplysarcastics 26

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Thursday 5 September 2013 6:36

I don't think there is any coming back for those utensils, I would not touch them after the roomates sexual rendezvous. Plus I think the roomate has a issue lol, masturbating all over the house with my favorite spatula... Bitch must be crazy!

aka_Specs 7

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Friday 6 September 2013 14:07

Really? Kitchen utensils? I'm sure the nearest sex store sells dildos and vibrators for a reasonable price, shit hitting up the local grocery store in the produce aisle would've been better. Hope you and your other roommates are doing something about it

evilamoebaattack 20

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 18:48

ouch OP. hope you dont have to live with her for a long time.

herh1996 6

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Thursday 5 September 2013 1:29

that's fucking nasty, you shouldn't do that shit at all especially if you live with someone and SHARE those things

cryssycakesx3 22

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Friday 19 September 2014 7:53

at least she's *hoarding* them. it's not like she's using them and putting them back. OP said she needs to stop taking them altogether, not bring back the used ones.

Arthua 9

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 18:49

Jamie oliver agrees

texanrose94 3

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 18:50

yep i would not be touchin em eww

speckledots 29

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Wednesday 4 September 2013 18:50

I wouldn't want to use anything she touched. Buy more and hide them from her.

Caitie_kid 8

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Thursday 5 September 2013 6:47

She should buy more and if the roommate keeps doing it, just embarrass the hell out of her! She should start to make food while the roommate has friends or their parents over and bring all the utensils to wherever they are in the house and interrogate her on which utensils she's used to entertain herself. Maybe she'd stop, or at least stop using shared household utensils after that.