By Palindromesque - 04/09/2013 09:07 - United States - Seattle

Spicy
Today, I explained to my roommate that if she kept using all of our kitchen utensils as sex toys and hoarding them because of the varying degrees of orgasms she could achieve, we wouldn't be able to cook or eat in our own house. FML
I agree, your life sucks 53 871
You deserved it 4 238

Palindromesque tells us more.

Hi all, OP here! I'm crying with laughter-you all are hilarious, seriously! To respond to some questions-I discovered my roommate's predilection for silverware and kitchen implements when I poked my head into her room to tell her something and saw an open drawer with a good collection of my utensils. She was actually quite forthcoming, and explained in jaw-dropping detail some uses for a number of them. We've agreed that she can go ahead and keep what she's "used," and that she'll replace the implements now and in future...no cross contamination, she promises. Overall, I'm glad she's sensually creative, so I don't feel the need to resort to hot sauce or splinters! I just fear for the next time she's browsing in the kitchen-I may not be able to scramble eggs for breakfast.

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Top comments

Actually, I would just throw them away. You wouldn't see me using them in the kitchen after she's been at them.

How does she use the can opener or bottle opener or the egg beater? Actually, I don't really want to know.

Comments

Actually, I would just throw them away. You wouldn't see me using them in the kitchen after she's been at them.

I completely agree. I would get new ones at the dollar store incase your roommate keeps this up.

#1, nah, that's too expensive. Just wash them thoroughly with bleach and inspect them with a magnifying glass for hairs. You should be ok after that.

Why go the sex store when you can get FREE toys at home.

Hey, does anyone else hate run on sentences?

that's gross throw them away. who does that? how old is she?

you're disgusting

I don't think there is any coming back for those utensils, I would not touch them after the roomates sexual rendezvous. Plus I think the roomate has a issue lol, masturbating all over the house with my favorite spatula... Bitch must be crazy!

Really? Kitchen utensils? I'm sure the nearest sex store sells dildos and vibrators for a reasonable price, shit hitting up the local grocery store in the produce aisle would've been better. Hope you and your other roommates are doing something about it

ouch OP. hope you dont have to live with her for a long time.

that's fucking nasty, you shouldn't do that shit at all especially if you live with someone and SHARE those things

at least she's *hoarding* them. it's not like she's using them and putting them back. OP said she needs to stop taking them altogether, not bring back the used ones.

Jamie oliver agrees

yep i would not be touchin em eww

I wouldn't want to use anything she touched. Buy more and hide them from her.

She should buy more and if the roommate keeps doing it, just embarrass the hell out of her! She should start to make food while the roommate has friends or their parents over and bring all the utensils to wherever they are in the house and interrogate her on which utensils she's used to entertain herself. Maybe she'd stop, or at least stop using shared household utensils after that.

I really hope you aren't asking for them back...

Time for a new roommate....

How does she use the can opener or bottle opener or the egg beater? Actually, I don't really want to know.

I literally winced reading this comment.

How you like your eggs? Fried or fertilized?

I laughed way too hard at that

Make her replace everything then, that's just nasty. Is she really that broke or cheap to where she can't buy a vibrator?

maybe she just likes forking

You can buy a brand new vibrator online for $5. Being broke isn't an excuse to shove your roommates silverware up your cooch.

I would make your roommate but all new silverware and say "this is for eating, have at the other stuff" problem solved

Maybe "eating" isn't the right word here. I see a loophole...