Today, I discovered that I once again forgot my credit card in... - FML

By ShortTermMemoryFailure - Canada - Halifax

Today, I discovered that I once again forgot my credit card in the vending machine at work. This is the second time in a week that this happened, and now 6 coworkers have bought drinks with my card since I lost it. I have no way of making it back to work for a week. FML

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Understandable

Season finale

Public transport FTW

By Vehophobic - 21/9/2020 07:05 - United Kingdom - Hounslow

Not a car person

Today, my grandfather called me for the first time since lockdown. Just like the last 3 times we spoke, he tried to pressure me into learning to drive, despite my making it clear that it absolutely terrifies me. He won't stop asking. FML

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By "mysteryguy3039"

Today, my girlfriend gave me a two weeks' notice for our relationship. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my hand fell asleep while I was masturbating. My own body rejected me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I met an old friend, who accidentally revealed he once met my wife in a club. They were both drunk and she let him have anal sex with her for a fiver in a club toilet. FML

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By takingthebus - United States

Today, my boyfriend got pulled over and arrested for driving with a suspended license. Instead of getting my car impounded, his friend thought he'd do me a favor and drive it back to me. He doesn't know how to drive stick and blew my engine. My boyfriend is in jail and I no longer have a car. FML

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By bonbon789 - United States

Today, I wanted to eat my last bowl of sugary cereal before starting my new diet. I fell down the stairs with the full bowl in hand. Message received, universe. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, my mom wanted to send me a picture of me at graduation, saying that I looked pretty in it. It was a picture of a different girl; definitely not me. Way to go, mom. FML

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By Catherine - United Kingdom - London

Today, I confronted my husband over the fact that despite me working two jobs to support us for the last three years, we're nowhere near our goal of buying a house. He actually had the brass balls to defend pissing my money down the drain on his ceramic cat collection. FML

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By Jebus - Canada

Today, I brought a girl home from the bar. After sleeping together, she drunkenly stumbles to the bathroom to wash up. On her way back, she accidentally walks into my parents' room, turns on the lights and asks where her clothes are before figuring it out. FML

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By sigh - Singapore - Singapore

Lovely parents

Today, my parents forgot it was my birthday. They ordered me to scrub the common bathroom, and when I asked if they remembered, my dad's reaction was "Oh! Really?" My mom's was "I thought that it was next week." What lovely parents I have. FML

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By ClaireBear150 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend trying on one of my little black dresses and heels. He wanted to "see what the fuss was about." I would have been angry if the sight of him dressed like this hadn't turned me on more than he ever has in the 3 years we've been dating. FML

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By Lara - Italy - Empoli

Today, my boyfriend told me he still has the key to our mailbox, while being at the other part of the country. Not to worry though, he sent it over. By mail. FML

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By Anonymous - Nigeria - Lagos

Today, my dad was making coffee for the family. Half-way through, he excused himself to the bathroom, so for a laugh, I discreetly poured a load of salt into his drink. When he served us, I drank a mouthful and doubled over hacking. My dad barked, "I wasn't born yesterday, son." FML

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By Mel Ancholy - United States

Today, I was talking to my husband about a work colleague, whose boyfriend is always sending her flowers and fawning over her. I mentioned how I've never been treated like that. He glanced up from his video game and said, "Shit, Mel. Get a boob job then." FML

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By GrandmasWhore - United States

Today, my grandma gave me the 'abstinence' speech. I had thought she already left to go back to FL but then came into my room to tell me how proud she was of me to keep my virginity. I was doing it doggie-style with my boyfriend. FML

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By V - United States

Today, I met the man of my dreams. Beautiful, smart, academic, charming, a true gentlemen, totally my type. I am at a bar voted "the best gay bar in the world". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a breast exam. I'd never had one before, but assumed it would be quick and easy. I had no idea how ticklish my boobs are. I burst out in uncontrollable laughter and kept instinctively jerking away. FML

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By hcditfi5foygy

Today, my crush confessed their love for me, and I happily told them that I felt the same way. They looked uncomfortable, so I asked why. Apparently they'd been paid to prank me. FML

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By KnightToucan

Today, I got written up at work over false accusations that I didn't do some safety tasks. The same tasks that were done before I had even arrived. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I shaved my legs and pits for the first time this summer. It took 3 disposable razors and an hour to get the job done. I've clearly been single for far too long. FML

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By Austin Franklin - United States

Today, I decided to hit on a very attractive girl. I guess I was too drunk to remember it was my family reunion. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while we were in a hotel, I got so drunk I apparently couldn't find my room, and passed out in the corridor. I woke up to see hotel staff calling security. FML

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By no, YOU raised him - United States - Concord

Today, I asked my 5-year-old son how school went today. He sighed and said "Fuck off, dad." I thought kids only became such colossal douchebags in their teens. FML

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By heathenhaha - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I became the center of attraction of my office floor after sending my resumé to my work Whatsapp group, asking them to share with their friends for job openings. My VP is owner of the group. FML

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By aj513 - United States - New Bedford

Today, my girlfriend and I got caught doing it in her parent's bed by her mom. Instead of making me leave, they forced me to stay for dinner. FML

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By ItHurtsLIkeHell - Malaysia

Today, I learnt that if you accidentally sit on a hamster, instead of dying, it bites your testicles. FML

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By AnnaWusHere - United States

Today, my 72 year old Grandmother informed me she's running for mayor. She's been going around town with home made signs all day campaigning to win mayor. She lives in my town. My friend called me asking me if she was high. FML

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By looking4newvenue - United States

Today, my wedding venue called and canceled our reservation because we were double booked with a spaghetti bingo night, which they felt was more important. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I spent all day making preparations and buying food for my upcoming birthday. It's not for a party, though - none of my friends wanted to come. I'm preparing for the launch of the new World of Warcraft expansion. FML

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By randa

Today, I told my boss I was too sick to come to work. He asked if I had a late night so I told him I stayed in. Apparently I ran into him at a bar last night and was too drunk to remember it. FML

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By lanikai610 - United States

Today, there was no toilet paper left, so I asked my grandmother if I could use her Kleenex tissues. I found out too late that they were Vicks vapor rub tissues. My crotch has been burning for the last half hour. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I caught a cab to take me to a hospital appointment. The driver turned around and told me I was in the Cash Cab. I got really excited and screamed. That is, until she laughed and said, "Just kidding. I always wanted to do that to someone." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I couldn't get into my car. In an attempt to get in, I broke a window. As I climbed in, the actual owner of the car walked up. Mine was across the street. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I am pregnant, sober, designated driver, and puke cleaner. Yay for the New Year! FML

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By Trama1201 - 4/1/2020 14:00 - United States - Boston

My short hair!

Today, I went to the library to bring back some books, I walked up to the counter and the librarian turned to me and said "What can I do for you young man?" I'm a girl. FML

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By Prometheus - United States

Today, a co-worker and I walked out of our office at the same time. He got in his car, which was parked right out front. I asked him what I had to do to get a sweet parking spot like that. He rolled up his pant leg and show me his prosthesis. He was in the handicapped spot. FML

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By poopcoloredeyes - Australia

Today, my boyfriend admitted that the only reason he remembers my eye color is because it's the same shade of his shit after he's had a salad. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a month had to leave early. I asked him why and he replied that his brother was getting off the bus and he needed to feed him. I had never met his brother, and I said "He can't feed himself? What is he, retarded?" He is. FML

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By doesnttastegood - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that whilst I was asleep last night, my boyfriend was playing on his XBox. I also found out that whenever he unlocked a new level, achievement or just generally beat someone's ass, he would celebrate by pulling out one of his pubes and putting it in my mouth. FML

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By Bailey - United States

Today, I was in a public restroom with my 4 year old daughter. I took her in the stall with me, and as I was using the restroom she looked down and loudly asked, "Mommy! Why do you have a beard on your peepee?!!" Then I heard everybody in the stalls next to us laughing. FML

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Top comments

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7717312 - Thursday 1 November 2018 12:57

How does one forget their credit card in a vending machine--let alone more than once?

By melisssa87 | 30

#7717323 - Thursday 1 November 2018 13:25

Write on the top of your hand “Don’t forget the card”

COMMENTS

By ohsnapword | 21

#7709894 - Wednesday 17 October 2018 0:27

Step 1: Report fraudulent charges
Step 2: ???
Step 3: Profit.

Reply

julfunky | 29

#7717346 - Thursday 1 November 2018 14:12

Step three doesn’t really apply since simply getting your own money back isn’t considered a profit.

Then again, if step 2 consists of personally suing those who used the credit card I suppose that could be correct.

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7717312 - Thursday 1 November 2018 12:57

How does one forget their credit card in a vending machine--let alone more than once?

By melisssa87 | 30

#7717323 - Thursday 1 November 2018 13:25

Write on the top of your hand “Don’t forget the card”

By ajh1800 | 25

#7717324 - Thursday 1 November 2018 13:31

Call and ask someone you trust to get your card back and hold it for you until you get back. Then, start using change from now on.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7717335 - Thursday 1 November 2018 13:58

How much can they drink in a week?

It might cost you a few hundred dollars, but you’ll be a hero to your thirsty coworkers for years to come, and you can’t put a price tag on that!

By bl3ur0z3 | 17

#7717344 - Thursday 1 November 2018 14:08

Do you have a way of canceling your card and ordering a new one? Seems like the sensible thing to do.

By DanielleinDC | 32

#7717355 - Thursday 1 November 2018 14:41

Maybe you should pay cash or be more careful with your card, especially if you are only there sporadically. YDI.

By ajh1800 | 25

#7717360 - Thursday 1 November 2018 15:02

Call someone at your job who you trust to hold your card for you until you can get it. Then, start using change in the vending machines from now on.

By chosha_fml | 25

#7717365 - Thursday 1 November 2018 15:20

You don’t have one person at work who would keep the card safe for you? That doesn’t sound like a great workplace.

By Luke16eirb7deneuwn1 | 20

#7717399 - Thursday 1 November 2018 18:15

does that mashine accept cash? because if it does I think you should use cash from now on