Today, I discovered that I once again forgot my credit card in... - FML

By ShortTermMemoryFailure - 1/11/2018 08:00 - Canada - Halifax

Today, I discovered that I once again forgot my credit card in the vending machine at work. This is the second time in a week that this happened, and now 6 coworkers have bought drinks with my card since I lost it. I have no way of making it back to work for a week. FML

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Dangling modifier

Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

Abuse

By epistaxis - 2/2/2009 00:43 - Australia

Today, I am staying with my grandmother and overheard her having phone sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2019 12:00

Oh, hai Mark!

Today, my boyfriend's antisocial father actually decided to talk to me. Too bad I couldn't respond, due to the fact that I still had his son's penis in my mouth. FML

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By Jen1444 - 26/2/2018 13:00 - United States - Rockaway Park

Ouch.

Today, I gave a financial presentation to my entire firm. After it was over, somebody accidentally copied me on a group text that said, "Her zipper was open the whole time. If we're so successful, why is our CFO wearing a urine-stained store-brand K-Mart panties?" FML

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By Noname - 14/3/2009 15:16 - United States

Today, I yelled at my spouse in front of 20 guests for not coming to blow out his birthday cake candles. Turns out he was in the other room, quietly changing his disabled friend's diaper. FML

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By htothecr - 3/5/2009 21:05 - United States

Today, I was holding a lit cigarette in one hand and a lollipop in the other. Guess which one I licked? FML

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By hatemyjob - 15/12/2015 00:15 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, after working at the same place for 3 years, I found out that they are not only cutting my hours but now I have to take orders from some girl I trained because she was promoted over me. FML

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By fmlsheffgirl - 25/7/2016 11:52 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, after months of putting up with it, I finally asked my manager not to put me on shifts with this old guy who is racist, sexist and lazy. This was how I found out that he died over the weekend. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2015 17:41

Today, after constant avoidance, I saw the man who slept with my mother and caused my parents to get divorced. I desperately wanted to punch him in the face, but instead I had to smile and shake his hand as he gave me my diploma. FML

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By smyp - 27/5/2015 22:27 - Lithuania - Vilnius

Today, I was let go from my job, because I "progress too quickly and there's no promotions available" and I "can find a better place to work at". FML

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By Anonymous - 25/1/2016 01:24 - Dominican Republic - Santo Domingo

Today, I was leaving the house to go on a date. My dad stopped me at the door and said confidently, "Tear that pussy up, son." I'm gay and my dad knows that. FML

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By for fucks sake gramps - 6/8/2012 21:37 - United States - Mililani

Today, I was at the store with my grandpa. When we were rung up, he started to pay for our myriad groceries in coins, and the guy behind us groaned. My grandpa said, "shut your mouth," and started ranting about how stupid people are to leave paper trails for "government spooks." FML

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By eemp - 5/2/2010 05:01 - France

Today, I got sent to detention for saying, "that's what she said" after a girl in my class said, "push a little harder" while disecting a frog. FML

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By baseball25635 - 1/10/2009 18:27 - United States

Today, I was at my son's baseball game when a foul ball came flying toward my brand new car. In an attempt to save my windshield, I dove onto trying to stop the ball only to land on my windshield, crack it and see the ball land safely on the ground next to my car. FML

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By Will - 15/12/2009 07:08 - United States

Today, my roommate drew a giant red penis and scrotum on our refrigerator, using what he thought was a dry erase marker. It was a permanent marker. I just renewed my lease. I get to look at a red penis every day for the next year and a half. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2010 16:55 - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents. I hope my charm and smile was enough for them to forgive me for not wearing pants. FML

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By Noname - 16/2/2009 18:23 - United States

Today, I went in for my 2nd day working at my internship. My bosses greeted me and told me we were going to have a meeting. The meeting was to listen to the drunk voicemails I left them on Saturday. FML

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By Username - 15/12/2010 17:22 - United Kingdom

Today, I was listening to music while I wrapped Christmas presents. All was going well when the music was cut off, literally. I snipped the cable to my very expensive headphones in half. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2018 15:30

Today, we woke up to two inches of water in our finished basement, which my wife and I use it as our bedroom. The plumber found roots in our sewer line. The kicker: we just bought the house four days ago. FML

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By denied - 26/3/2009 23:49 - United States

Today, I was walking with my boyfriend in the hallway of our school, and once we got to his class, I leaned in for a kiss. Surprising me, he leaned away, and I asked what was wrong. He told me he's glad we're going out, but just doesn't want anyone to know. FML

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By a very unlucky dude. - 18/6/2014 06:37 - Canada - Surrey

Today, I learned the valuable lesson that taking care of a baby crow isn't the best idea. He finally can fly away, but sits on my porch all day cawing for food. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/6/2017 04:00

Today, I asked my friend to hand in my homework for me since I have tonsillitis. She thought it would be funny to draw a big heart on it with my teacher's name inside, which she then handed in. FML

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By dammitvasquez - 12/5/2011 23:34 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend came home from a camping trip and broke up with me. All because when he was watching the lake he was near, ripples formed. Apparently, this means God was telling him I'm impure and unable to be "saved by Christ" and therefore, a waste of his time. I dated this lunatic. FML

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By one cock too many - 4/8/2020 05:02

Who's been a naughty girl?

Today, I found out I’m the guy whose wife made adult films in college. Although embarrassed, I thought I may be able to get past it. Except for the fact that we dated in college, and she insisted we wait until after we were married to have sex. FML

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By chapstick - 9/1/2014 03:23 - United States - San Dimas

Today, my lips were dry and chapped, so I asked if I could use some of my friend's chapstick. She didn't mind, so I quickly put some on. Only later did I notice that my lips were sparkly. Turns out it was glitter balm. Now everyone calls me "princess." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2010 04:06 - United States

Today, I found out that my current girlfriend has dated all of my friends at one time or another. FML

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By gtfb1993 - 2/12/2011 22:21 - Canada

Today, I was at the laundromat, when an attractive girl set up at the machine next to mine. She looked me up and down, then noticed the skid-marks on my underwear. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2010 23:31 - Canada

Today, I got a birthday card from my parents. It was my sister's from earlier in the year. They scratched out her name and wrote mine underneath. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2010 15:29 - United Kingdom

Today, I was sitting at a traffic light when a cute girl appeared at the side of the road. I sat and watched her until she had crossed, when I realised that I had missed the light. A large queue of cars had built up behind me, yet none of them used their horn because I was driving my police car. FML

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By DesperateBich - 28/11/2018 14:00

Today, I was in band rehearsing for a big concert coming up. Since the band was practicing with the orchestra and there weren’t enough seats, we had to stand. My back was facing everyone when my friend tapped me on the shoulder and pointed to my ass. I got my period and everyone saw the stain. FML

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By loner - 14/11/2014 23:12 - United States - Madison

Today, I noticed that I get more calls from people who've dialed the wrong number than I do from people I actually know. FML

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By meggiemouse - 9/7/2011 18:00 - United States

Today, marks the seventh day of having my nose pierced. I'd done everything I was supposed to do, even sleeping with a band-aid over it. This morning, I woke up to my piercing being ripped out by my pillow, and the band-aid nowhere in sight. FML

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By ultraattitude - 14/6/2012 19:34 - United States

Today, I went to see my dermatologist friend for a free consultation on my terrible acne. During my visit, she said I probably won't be getting any more pimples. Excited, I asked her how she could tell. She replied, "There's no more room for it." FML

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By Shuttie - 18/1/2013 12:55 - Denmark - Odense

Today, I was walking towards a party where I knew my cheating ex would be. I passionately rehearsed how I would have a go at him big time when I met him. Guess who was walking right behind me and heard it all. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2010 00:33 - United States

Today, I attended a job fair for a position at a shop. I was the only one who showed and submitted an application. I didn't get the job. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2013 18:11 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I had a dream in which I was being mugged. I started fighting the muggers off, while in reality, my fist smacked my wife in the face. Now she has a black eye, nobody believes my story, and they think I'm a wife beater. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2011 00:01 - United States

Today, I found out where a few of my favorite outfits went. My mother had taken them out of my closet, wrapped them, and given them to my cousin as a gift. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2010 05:04 - United States

Today, I finally got the courage to tell the guy I liked how I felt by making him a mixed CD. Confident, I gave it to him. After class, I went to the trash can to throw some paper away. I saw my mixed CD in the trash. FML

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By Off_Road - 4/6/2014 19:30 - United States - North Pole

Today, while on the highway, a guy in a truck sped up to pass me. He was hauling a trailer, which hit me and ran me off the road. I called the cops and followed him all the way into town, where the cops pulled him over. They let him go without even a ticket, because, "He didn't know he hit you." FML

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By - 10/2/2020 18:00

Chubby life

Today, I was tying my hair up when my dad rubbed my stomach and asked how his grandchild was doing. He knows I'm not pregnant and that I've been trying really hard to lose weight. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/2/2012 03:07 - United States

Today, I was feeling frisky for the first time in months, so I started feeling up my husband. He kept insisting he had a headache and that he wasn't feeling it tonight. When I noticed his sarcasm, he said "Yeah, doesn't feel so great, does it?" and turned the TV volume up. FML

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Top comments

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7717312 - Thursday 1 November 2018 12:57

How does one forget their credit card in a vending machine--let alone more than once?

By melisssa87 | 30

#7717323 - Thursday 1 November 2018 13:25

Write on the top of your hand “Don’t forget the card”

COMMENTS

By ohsnapword | 21

#7709894 - Wednesday 17 October 2018 0:27

Step 1: Report fraudulent charges
Step 2: ???
Step 3: Profit.

Reply

julfunky | 29

#7717346 - Thursday 1 November 2018 14:12

Step three doesn’t really apply since simply getting your own money back isn’t considered a profit.

Then again, if step 2 consists of personally suing those who used the credit card I suppose that could be correct.

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7717312 - Thursday 1 November 2018 12:57

How does one forget their credit card in a vending machine--let alone more than once?

By melisssa87 | 30

#7717323 - Thursday 1 November 2018 13:25

Write on the top of your hand “Don’t forget the card”

By ajh1800 | 25

#7717324 - Thursday 1 November 2018 13:31

Call and ask someone you trust to get your card back and hold it for you until you get back. Then, start using change from now on.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7717335 - Thursday 1 November 2018 13:58

How much can they drink in a week?

It might cost you a few hundred dollars, but you’ll be a hero to your thirsty coworkers for years to come, and you can’t put a price tag on that!

By bl3ur0z3 | 17

#7717344 - Thursday 1 November 2018 14:08

Do you have a way of canceling your card and ordering a new one? Seems like the sensible thing to do.

By DanielleinDC | 32

#7717355 - Thursday 1 November 2018 14:41

Maybe you should pay cash or be more careful with your card, especially if you are only there sporadically. YDI.

By ajh1800 | 25

#7717360 - Thursday 1 November 2018 15:02

Call someone at your job who you trust to hold your card for you until you can get it. Then, start using change in the vending machines from now on.

By chosha_fml | 25

#7717365 - Thursday 1 November 2018 15:20

You don’t have one person at work who would keep the card safe for you? That doesn’t sound like a great workplace.

By Luke16eirb7deneuwn1 | 20

#7717399 - Thursday 1 November 2018 18:15

does that mashine accept cash? because if it does I think you should use cash from now on