Animals: Today, as my kitten was sleeping on my lap, my boyfriend crept... - FML

Today, as my kitten was sleeping on my lap, my boyfriend crept up on us and yelled, "BOO!" to make me jump. I wasn't scared, but the cat was. He tensed up and jumped to the floor. He also apparently had the runny shits, spraying me and the couch on his way down. FML

By Alan

K'Naye's illustrated FML

Woohoo it's the weekend! Winter is all around some of us, but not in our hearts. To help fight off the cold and seasonal depression,...

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By nenette / Wednesday 12 November 2014 22:50 / France

Own it

Late term

Cognitive dissonance

By Anonymous - United States - San Diego

Today, I volunteered at a soup kitchen. During the rounds, a grisly but nice young fellow told me that I had beautiful eyes. I was quite touched; that is until he leaned in and added, "Can I have them for my collection?" FML

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By Michelle - 19/12/2020 08:01

Since when has that been there?

Today, I thought something was wrong with my car battery because my dashboard lights were really low. I paid $77 to find out the dimmer switch was turned down. FML

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By cazorp - United States

Today, my mom told me she's a drug addict, sold my bed to buy meth, and then lectured me about how I should be okay with it. FML

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By roadkill - United States

Today, an old lady hit me with her car. After which she says, "Oh! Not Again!" FML

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By

Today, after two years of hard work, I finished writing my novel dedicated to my father. I timed everything so that the paperback would arrive at his house just before Christmas, then I booked a flight to surprise him so I could see his reaction in person. He just texted me, my mom told him. FML

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By tawan - United Kingdom

Today, I set off a fire alarm in school. I was taken to the head teacher's office, where he said that though he was shocked at my behavior, it was nice to see me being more like regular students and trying to fit in, instead of isolating myself as usual. I was shoved into the fire alarm by bullies. FML

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By Redsnation

Rage Quit

Today, my older brother said that if he beat me in a game of NBA 2k17, he would get to keep my PS4. I beat him so badly that he got angry and destroyed my PlayStation. FML

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By bargainshopper - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, while at a pool party, I found out the reason I got my new, white bikini at such a bargain price; it goes completely transparent when wet. I only realized this after everyone was staring at me and whistling. FML

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By Evolution mama - Iceland - Reykjav

Today, I presented my child with the classic "Who came first, the chicken or the egg?" conundrum. In return, I got a detailed lecture on how birds evolved from dinosaurs, how life was created in the sea and an explanation about evolution. I got schooled by a 9 year old. FML

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By Hard in flip flops

Today, my dad walked in on me jerking off. It wouldn’t have been so bad if I wasn’t Skyping my boyfriend, while both of us were totally naked. I had just told him to “put those toes in your mouth and I’ll cum like you’ve never seen before”. FML

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By screwed - Chile

Today, I crapped in my pants and had to wait an hour of commuting till I could clean it up. What a sight and smell it was on the subway. Thank God I had sunglasses to wear. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, a woman at work told me that her kid had puked into "a storage bin" in the office. It wasn't a storage bin, it was the outgoing mail tray on the side of my desk containing important contract documents that had to be posted by 5pm that day. FML

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By Imnotfromhere - 31/3/2021 16:59

Hot pixels

Today, after months of having my standards lowered by how unattractive guys' dating profiles are, I found myself masturbating to the yellow guy from Sin City. Yep. He's hot compared to my real options. FML

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By f'ed_over - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend's mom tried to bribe him with an iPhone to dump me. He accepted. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to Auto Zone because my car was having trouble starting, and I thought it was the battery. The guy checked it with their reader, and confirmed it was dying. Right after he put the battery in, my starter died. I had to get my car towed to the shop. FML

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By Mojo0608 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my 16-year-old brother once again scored well at a local archery competition. He got home and, once again, unleashed his "spectacular aim" at the toilet - or rather the toilet seat and surrounding floor. He refuses to clean the bathroom we share every single time he does this. FML

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By asdfghjkl - United States

Today, I bought a brand new flat screen TV. When I brought it home it didn't work. Furious, I walked into Best Buy and yelled at a guy in a tucked in blue polo and khakis. I asked him why it didn't work and he said he didn't know. I kept screaming. He didn't have a nametag. He didn't work there. FML

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By damaged - United States - La Verne

Today, I drove in heavy rain for the first time, by myself. I had been told to drive below the speed limit, and be extra careful of the cars around me. Nobody had told me about thunder scaring a cow that would then escape from the corral and hit my car. FML

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By oh lord - Canada - Oshawa

Today, my boyfriend and I were making love. I've been working on a novel for the past six months, and what would have been mid-way through, I accidentally said the main character's name instead of my boyfriend's. FML

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By Cicie - United States - Weatherford

Most good songs are

Today, I discovered that one of my favourite, relatable sad songs is actually a song about gay sex. FML

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By margretlle - United States

Today, I was walking in the kitchen with my parrot on my shoulder and my dog running around. Something freaked out my bird and she bit my ear and started flapping her wings in my face. Surprised, I took a step back, tripped over my dog, fell, hit my head on the stove, and got knocked unconscious. FML

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By EPICfml. - United States

Today, my dad woke me up at 6 told me to take a shower and drove me to school only to say "just kidding, happy snowday!" FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was getting ready for bed, when I decided to watch some porno on the computer. Suddenly someone from my messenger list says, "You might want to turn off the 'What You're Listening To' option if you're watching porn." I snapped and exited the porn. 63 people saw. FML

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By fuglymug - United States - Appleton

Today, I played charades with my girlfriend and her family. When it was her turn to act out a phrase, she simply walked to the center of the room and pointed to herself and then at me. It took less than 5 seconds for someone to correctly guess "Beauty and the Beast". FML

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By SolaceInRage - United States - Wilmette

Today, I tossed half a sausage to a dog sitting beside a park bench. It wasn't until he lunged for it and dragged the man beside him off of the bench that I realized it was a seeing eye dog. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, the guy I'd been talking to online and liked came to my house party with a bunch of mutual friends. He spent the night sitting in the corner on the sofa talking to my cat. I woke up later to see that not only had he crashed for the night, but he'd curled up in the dog basket. FML

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By SiegFail

Today, my students are asking friends and family to come to a charity event. That would be all well if they weren't constantly mixing up "Rally Against Genocide" and "Support Genocide Victims" and telling everyone to come to the "Rally to Support Genocide". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, after many attempts at getting my girlfriend to ride the bus to see me rather than taking Uber, she finally did. She ended up meeting a man who convinced her that she should break up with me. She listened. FML

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By loveeyou. - France

Today, I realized the only reason I watched the SuperBowl is because Justin Bieber tweeted about it. I don't even like football. I had no idea what was going on the whole game. All I knew was who I was cheering for, because Justin Bieber tweeted who he was cheering for. FML

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By SomeDJ - United States

Today, my cousin came over. I left my iPod on shuffle in the room we were in as I left to go to the bathroom. When I came back she was jamming out to "My Dick" by Mickey Avalon. She won't stop singing it and her mom is coming over to pick her up in an hour. She's 4. FML

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By Ungrateful Guy - 10/3/2021 08:01

Birthday blues

Today, it's my birthday. With all the lockdowns and curfews, my inner introvert was looking forward to enjoying a delicious meal and a bottle or two of wine by myself. My friends had other plans, namely a surprise Zoom party. Nice thought, I'm grateful for my friends, but I hate using Zoom. It went on for three hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2020 18:01 - New Zealand - Auckland

Lockdown fashion

Today, my partner got a lockdown haircut. He now has a mullet. FML

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By whoneedsloveanyway

Swindler's List

Today, I found out that my fiancé has a list with every woman he slept. Chronologically. I'm number 23, out of 27. Our wedding is in two months. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Eugene

Today, I was slapped by a fourteen-year-old girl because I was apparently "stealing her boyfriend." I'm twenty-five, and her boyfriend is my nephew. FML

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By rainonmyparade - United States

Today, I called my dad to tell him my boyfriend had proposed to me, and that we're planning on being married this summer. He was surprised at the short engagement, so I said, "Well, we're almost 30." Dad replied, "Wow, I left your mom when I was 35!" So not the conversation for that information, Dad. FML

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By lesson.learned - United Kingdom - Littlehampton

Today, I dragged my boyfriend to see Les Misérables with me. He now refuses to communicate with me through any medium other than singing. Apparently, this is his revenge. FML

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By Zebracat - United States

Today, I was watching TV and started freaking out thinking I forgot to tell my boyfriend happy anniversary. I wrote him a text and after it sent, I realized the date is mine and my ex's anniversary date. FML

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By yankesik - Poland - Kalisz

Today, I sneezed hard while eating some quite spicy potato chips at my friend's house. Some of the chips passed to the nasal cavity, and I ended up having to pick my nose for some pointy, spicy chips shrapnel. FML

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By itchybollos - Australia

Today, while grocery shopping, my Dad asked me what I wanted for 'Din-Dins' while scratching his nuts. In a crowded aisle. Wearing short shorts. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at my new job, I took some food out to a customer. Walking away, I heard a lady mumble, "Oh my God, you could never pay me enough to wear that." FML

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Top comments

By smackaroonial | 20

#6117624 - Thursday 13 November 2014 7:45

Put febreeze on it. According to the commercials you can cover up anything, even the shits. Just make sure to walk around blindfolded so you don't have to see it.

By JuliaaNoelle | 26

#6117659 - Thursday 13 November 2014 8:21

Haven't you all realized that these shit puns aren't funny anymore

COMMENTS

By DestinyNiya | 33

#6117619 - Thursday 13 November 2014 7:41

That must've been shit. Sorry, OP.

Reply

JuliaaNoelle | 26

#6117659 - Thursday 13 November 2014 8:21

Haven't you all realized that these shit puns aren't funny anymore

Reply

edward80 | 18

#6117700 - Thursday 13 November 2014 11:09

Yes, i agree, that wasn't even punny

Reply

MeanBeagle | 22

#6117750 - Thursday 13 November 2014 13:16

there is definitely a "load" of them "piling" up in the comments lately

Reply

Ichiya | 29

#6117801 - Thursday 13 November 2014 15:46

Just thumb them down and move on I get more annoyed with people complaining about the shitty puns or when someone makes a bad first comment. It isn't that big of a deal.

Reply

Hiktmae | 20

#6117875 - Thursday 13 November 2014 19:10

Lol I actually liked #30's

By Bricktothehead | 21

#6117620 - Thursday 13 November 2014 7:41

Quite the shitty situation.

Reply

NeatNit | 32

#6117718 - Thursday 13 November 2014 11:27

that must have scared the shit out of him!

you know, since we're already making unfunny jokes...

Reply

hduebdo | 14

#6117742 - Thursday 13 November 2014 12:43

You must be new here

By es3508 | 16

#6117621 - Thursday 13 November 2014 7:43

It sounds like you've had a crappy day.

By JayDay_123 | 18

#6117623 - Thursday 13 November 2014 7:44

Yuck. Sorry OP. Good luck with the stains.

By smackaroonial | 20

#6117624 - Thursday 13 November 2014 7:45

Put febreeze on it. According to the commercials you can cover up anything, even the shits. Just make sure to walk around blindfolded so you don't have to see it.

Reply

Pauline96_fml | 20

#6118322 - Friday 14 November 2014 6:10

Or she could have her boyfriend clean it up since he was the one that caused it in the first place

Reply

sarah5745 | 41

#6118341 - Friday 14 November 2014 6:40

Op's boyfriend probably didn't know that the cat was gonna shit like that in the first place

By comedybreak | 20

#6117625 - Thursday 13 November 2014 7:45

What happened to the first comment always being "seems like a shitty situation" on these kind of FMLs

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sarah5745 | 41

#6117674 - Thursday 13 November 2014 9:12

I'm guessing that you haven't read the first comment yet..

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badluckalex | 23

#6117689 - Thursday 13 November 2014 10:23

Or the 5 after it... they're all shit puns
edit - no pun intended!

By austin_spade | 11

#6117626 - Thursday 13 November 2014 7:47

I hope that your boyfriend was sprayed with the shit as well.

Reply

Jboy12213 | 6

#6117793 - Thursday 13 November 2014 15:29

#7 The boyfriend didn't mean for the cat's poop to spray everywhere.

Reply

coming back in the future | 30

#6118339 - Friday 14 November 2014 6:32

OP should dump her bf. *sarcasm*

By MrConcise | 34

#6117630 - Thursday 13 November 2014 7:50

That was a mental image I didn't need. I'll never be able to touch a chocolate fountain again.

Reply

Sonii008 | 19

#6117717 - Thursday 13 November 2014 11:25

You gave yourself that mental image dude... -.-

Reply

blazerman_fml | 17

#6117894 - Thursday 13 November 2014 20:26

Himself and now us -.-

Reply

MrConcise | 34

#6117902 - Thursday 13 November 2014 20:43

You can thank me after the next wedding reception you attend. :)

By LittleSushi_fml | 13

#6117631 - Thursday 13 November 2014 7:51

If he had the poopsies, wouldn't he have crapped on your lap anyway?

Reply

heryseshta | 9

#6117782 - Thursday 13 November 2014 15:08

My sister in law is a vet tech and said sometimes cats get scared and release poop from their anal gland. It doesn't always matter if they have the shits or not. It's a self defense mechanism and smells worse than normal shit.

Reply

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#6117792 - Thursday 13 November 2014 15:27

poopsies though...

Reply

wannabesinger | 16

#6118154 - Friday 14 November 2014 2:13

Anal glands don't hold poop though. While it is true that animals will expressed their anal glands or their bowels when scared, the two do not go hand and hand.

By JessieTaft | 17

#6117635 - Thursday 13 November 2014 7:54

Maybe you should tell your boyfriend not to try to scare you when your cat is on your lap.