Animals: Today, as my kitten was sleeping on my lap, my boyfriend crept... - FML

Today, as my kitten was sleeping on my lap, my boyfriend crept up on us and yelled, "BOO!" to make me jump. I wasn't scared, but the cat was. He tensed up and jumped to the floor. He also apparently had the runny shits, spraying me and the couch on his way down. FML

By Alan

K'Naye's illustrated FML

Woohoo it's the weekend! Winter is all around some of us, but not in our hearts. To help fight off the cold and seasonal depression,...

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By nenette / Wednesday 12 November 2014 22:50 / France

Instadrama

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Life of Brian

By Anonymous - United States - Elmwood Park

Today, I was at a diner with friends when we decided to put our phones in the middle of the table on the basis that whoever looks at theirs first has to pay. It was going well, until someone rushed up behind me, slammed my face into the table and ran out with our 4 phones. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that if I don't clean out the litter box everyday, my cat will resort to shitting in the laundry basket. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2020 14:02

My precious

Today, I had some flagstones put down to fix a muddy place where my horses stand, in a part of the woods that is only accessible on foot. The flagstones weigh about 30 kilos apiece and you can easily get them for free on the internet, yet someone went to the trouble to steal them. FML

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By KO - United States

Today, in the middle of sex, my husband accidentally headbutted me, almost knocking me unconscious. FML

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By scaredscreenless - United States

Today, I was on my back patio talking with my husband. It got dark outside, and I saw something shuffling in the back yard. I freaked out so bad that I went to run inside, only to fly face-first into the screen door. Turns out the shuffling was from a baby rabbit. FML

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By dino317 - United States

Today, after many weeks of talking to this guy over the phone for hours on end and establishing that we both had feelings for the other, we met in person. He saw me, got an "emergency text," and hasn't talked to me since. FML

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By stalked - United States - Bel Air

Today, I found out that the person who has been stalking me has also been stalking someone else. I got upset. It seems it took being stalked to make me feel good about myself. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after a day of walking around downtown, shopping and going out to eat, I came home to notice I had a dirty thong stuck to the back of my shirt. FML

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By Qwerty - Australia

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend trying to pick my nose. FML

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By ponyboy - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she suspected me of cheating. She thought I was cheating because she caught me sneaking out in the middle of the night. I was sneaking out to plan my proposal to her. FML

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By unluckydude - Colombia - Tunja

Today, my co-worker thought it would be funny to tell her husband that she cheated on him with me. I'm scared to death and I don't dare to go out by myself. FML

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By sketchball - United States

Today, my landlord informed me that from now on, she'd prefer if I paid my rent in cash each month. Apparently, I "look sketchy" and she didn't "ever want to deal with the hassle of a bounced check." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after 4 days without being able to poop, now, while sitting stuck in traffic, I have the sudden urge to use the bathroom. FML

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By victimofakarmicbackfire - 12/2/2021 04:58

Still better off without him

Today, my sister showed me my arrogant, misogynistic, cheating ex’s Facebook. Since we broke up, he’s become an officer in the Marines and has traveled the world. I’m clinically depressed and in poverty. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my fiancé nervously sat me down for a "serious chat". The chat wound up with him asking if we could postpone our wedding, because his World of Warcraft guild had a raid scheduled for the same day. FML

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By yum - United States - Sylmar

Today, I was drinking from a cup with a built-in straw. After taking a long sip, I noticed a weird taste. Upon investigation, I found a small caterpillar wedged inside the straw. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at soccer practice. The ground's keeper just aerated the field, and my teammates and I decided to throw the cylindrical clumps of dirt at each other. I got hit in the face with one. It wasn't dirt. It was a clump of wet dog poop. FML

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By tingleballs - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I put some of my wife's eucalyptus oil in my bath to make it relaxing. I soon found out the amount I used was about 100 times more than you're supposed to use. It took an hour of burning agony to find out the only way to get even a hint of relief was to cover my nuts in yoghurt. FML

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By hamburger - United States - Adrian

Today, my husband wanted to try anal for the first time. His attempt to sound romantic was him saying, "Open your buns, the meat is ready." FML

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By babysitter - United States

Today, I was twenty minutes into babysitting my twin baby cousins when I realized that there are no diapers to be found anywhere in the house. I have no way to get a hold of my aunt, no money to buy new diapers, and I don't even have a way to get to the store in the first place. The next few hours are going to be lovely. FML

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By tammy - France

Today, a wasp stung my nipple. Twice. The swelling makes it look like I'm growing a third breast. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2020 08:08

Fake mystery guy

Today, I dressed cute to surprise my boyfriend of 2 years. Instead of being happy or impressed about it, he accused me of cheating and dressing up to impress a new guy he'd made up in his head. FML

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By Hum - Switzerland

Today, while on student exchange in Germany, I was making myself a cup of coffee. When I rummaged around in the fridge, my room-mates asked me what I was looking for. I said I wanted to put "samen" in my coffee. They laughed. Ah yes, "sahne" means "cream". "Samen" means "sperm". FML

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By Zippermania9 - United States

Today, I found out that if you fall asleep in church, people will think you're having a spiritual moment, and you'll wake up to ten people praying for you. FML

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By Anonymous - Mexico

Today, some guy I passed in the street was so high out of his mind, he beat the crap out of me, thinking I was a piñata. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was chatting with my mother. She was telling me about some new mouthwash she recently got, and the moment the word "gargle" escaped her lips, my husband muttered just a little too loudly from the kitchen, "How about gargling my balls instead, bitch." Our family is now at war. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a paper back that was given a zero for suspected plagiarism. Everything I wrote was my own thought and analysis. My instructor basically thinks my paper is smarter than I am. He won't listen, even when I explain my thought processes throughout the piece. FML

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By stitchesupmyass - United States

Today, I got my period. Last week, I fell out of a window and landed between my legs on a bush; I have massive swelling down there, and stitches over the ripped flesh. Now I'm bleeding out my period on top of the lingering wounds down there. It hurts even to pee, let alone menstruate. FML

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By groom - United States

Today, I helped my grandparents carry luggage to their hotel room, where they're staying the night tonight after my wedding reception. Their room is 203. Mine is 201. Their room shares a wall with my honeymoon suite. My grandparents are going to hear me consummate my marriage. FML

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By ew - United States - Garland

Today, I asked the 7-year-old that I was babysitting if he could burp on command. He said he could, and began to demonstrate. It turns out he couldn't purposely burp, but he definitely could vomit on command. FML

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By deadmedia - Canada

Today, my best friend informed me that I could not be her maid of honour because I "wasn't as pretty as the other bridesmaids" and she wanted her wedding photos to have "consistency". FML

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By mako

Today, I sent my mom a link to a news article via Facebook. Immediately after sending, however, I noticed I had forgotten to copy the news article's link, and what I had sent instead was the last thing I had copied and pasted: a porn link. FML

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By killme - United States - Lewiston

Today, I was at church, when my mom's phone went off during the sermon. As if that wasn't humiliating enough for me, her ring tone was set to the Bed Intruder song. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Louis

Today, someone threw an open soda can at me from a car. It missed, so they circled around and threw an unopened can. That one hit. FML

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2015

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By creamed - United States

Today, the pictures from last night's party were put on Facebook. The pictures that show me getting in a drunken fight with a girl and her putting my face through the wall. FML

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By fuck family - Poland - Walbrzych

Today, I took my boyfriend to meet my family. Over the next hour, a huge religious debate erupted, and my grandfather drunkenly told us all how he almost killed himself once while experimenting with auto-erotic asphyxiation. My boyfriend called us all crazy and seems to have dumped me. FML

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By fmerunning - United States

Today, the cable repairman came to fix my cable which has never worked well. The entire time he was talking about how much extra money he got the "fat bitch who moved here 6 months ago" to pay for her cable. I moved in 6 months ago. I was pregnant. FML

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By tokinallday - United States - Kingsport

Today, my mom and step-dad tore my room apart looking for the stash of drugs they thought I had. I've never touched drugs in my life, and I guess they believe me now. Didn't stop them from making me clean up the mess they made, though. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Columbus

Today, I went to a new doctor. While filling out charts she looked up and said, "I'm assuming you are single." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2020 08:06

Easy listener

Today, on the phone, my boyfriend was complaining about the heat. When I told him that it wasn't hot where I live, at all, but that I had trouble sleeping due to stress, he replied, "Because of the heat, right? What else can it be?" FML

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Top comments

By smackaroonial | 20

#6117624 - Thursday 13 November 2014 7:45

Put febreeze on it. According to the commercials you can cover up anything, even the shits. Just make sure to walk around blindfolded so you don't have to see it.

By JuliaaNoelle | 26

#6117659 - Thursday 13 November 2014 8:21

Haven't you all realized that these shit puns aren't funny anymore

COMMENTS

By DestinyNiya | 33

#6117619 - Thursday 13 November 2014 7:41

That must've been shit. Sorry, OP.

Reply

JuliaaNoelle | 26

#6117659 - Thursday 13 November 2014 8:21

Haven't you all realized that these shit puns aren't funny anymore

Reply

edward80 | 18

#6117700 - Thursday 13 November 2014 11:09

Yes, i agree, that wasn't even punny

Reply

MeanBeagle | 22

#6117750 - Thursday 13 November 2014 13:16

there is definitely a "load" of them "piling" up in the comments lately

Reply

Ichiya | 29

#6117801 - Thursday 13 November 2014 15:46

Just thumb them down and move on I get more annoyed with people complaining about the shitty puns or when someone makes a bad first comment. It isn't that big of a deal.

Reply

Hiktmae | 20

#6117875 - Thursday 13 November 2014 19:10

Lol I actually liked #30's

By Bricktothehead | 21

#6117620 - Thursday 13 November 2014 7:41

Quite the shitty situation.

Reply

NeatNit | 32

#6117718 - Thursday 13 November 2014 11:27

that must have scared the shit out of him!

you know, since we're already making unfunny jokes...

Reply

hduebdo | 14

#6117742 - Thursday 13 November 2014 12:43

You must be new here

By es3508 | 16

#6117621 - Thursday 13 November 2014 7:43

It sounds like you've had a crappy day.

By JayDay_123 | 18

#6117623 - Thursday 13 November 2014 7:44

Yuck. Sorry OP. Good luck with the stains.

By smackaroonial | 20

#6117624 - Thursday 13 November 2014 7:45

Put febreeze on it. According to the commercials you can cover up anything, even the shits. Just make sure to walk around blindfolded so you don't have to see it.

Reply

Pauline96_fml | 20

#6118322 - Friday 14 November 2014 6:10

Or she could have her boyfriend clean it up since he was the one that caused it in the first place

Reply

sarah5745 | 41

#6118341 - Friday 14 November 2014 6:40

Op's boyfriend probably didn't know that the cat was gonna shit like that in the first place

By comedybreak | 20

#6117625 - Thursday 13 November 2014 7:45

What happened to the first comment always being "seems like a shitty situation" on these kind of FMLs

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sarah5745 | 41

#6117674 - Thursday 13 November 2014 9:12

I'm guessing that you haven't read the first comment yet..

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badluckalex | 23

#6117689 - Thursday 13 November 2014 10:23

Or the 5 after it... they're all shit puns
edit - no pun intended!

By austin_spade | 11

#6117626 - Thursday 13 November 2014 7:47

I hope that your boyfriend was sprayed with the shit as well.

Reply

Jboy12213 | 6

#6117793 - Thursday 13 November 2014 15:29

#7 The boyfriend didn't mean for the cat's poop to spray everywhere.

Reply

coming back in the future | 30

#6118339 - Friday 14 November 2014 6:32

OP should dump her bf. *sarcasm*

By MrConcise | 34

#6117630 - Thursday 13 November 2014 7:50

That was a mental image I didn't need. I'll never be able to touch a chocolate fountain again.

Reply

Sonii008 | 19

#6117717 - Thursday 13 November 2014 11:25

You gave yourself that mental image dude... -.-

Reply

blazerman_fml | 17

#6117894 - Thursday 13 November 2014 20:26

Himself and now us -.-

Reply

MrConcise | 34

#6117902 - Thursday 13 November 2014 20:43

You can thank me after the next wedding reception you attend. :)

By LittleSushi_fml | 13

#6117631 - Thursday 13 November 2014 7:51

If he had the poopsies, wouldn't he have crapped on your lap anyway?

Reply

heryseshta | 9

#6117782 - Thursday 13 November 2014 15:08

My sister in law is a vet tech and said sometimes cats get scared and release poop from their anal gland. It doesn't always matter if they have the shits or not. It's a self defense mechanism and smells worse than normal shit.

Reply

cryssycakesx3 | 22

#6117792 - Thursday 13 November 2014 15:27

poopsies though...

Reply

wannabesinger | 16

#6118154 - Friday 14 November 2014 2:13

Anal glands don't hold poop though. While it is true that animals will expressed their anal glands or their bowels when scared, the two do not go hand and hand.

By JessieTaft | 17

#6117635 - Thursday 13 November 2014 7:54

Maybe you should tell your boyfriend not to try to scare you when your cat is on your lap.