Today, as my kitten was sleeping on my lap, my boyfriend crept... - FML

Today, as my kitten was sleeping on my lap, my boyfriend crept up on us and yelled, "BOO!" to make me jump. I wasn't scared, but the cat was. He tensed up and jumped to the floor. He also apparently had the runny shits, spraying me and the couch on his way down. FML

By Alan - 21/11/2014 10:22

K'Naye's illustrated FML

Woohoo it's the weekend! Winter is all around some of us, but not in our hearts. To help fight off the cold and seasonal depression,...

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By nenette / Wednesday 12 November 2014 22:50 / France

Understandable

Instadrama

Don't you know that you're toxic?

By IbetIgotAIDS - 12/9/2011 16:15 - United States

Today, I realized that the place that my brothers and I would find soggy balloons and blow them up when we were younger is where the prostitutes take their clients. We were blowing up used condoms for a good part of our childhood. FML

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By Firepussy911 - 14/6/2018 06:22

Today, my husband decided to literally spice things up. He put a "small amount" of hot-sauce in our lubricant without telling me. He thought 1,000,000 Scoville units would make me cum. The only one who came was the paramedic. FML

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By idonthavereligion - 29/5/2015 04:16 - United States - Palmer

Today, I started my day off with a relaxing cup of coffee, the morning paper, and the sound of my mother informing me I will be going to hell for being not believing in God. FML

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By CandlesSuck - 2/11/2009 03:44 - Canada

Today, I invited my girlfriend to come over, telling her I had a surprise. I filled the bathtub and lit a lot of candles to be romantic. She gets here, and we start doing our thing. Until we smell something burning. It was my hair. I now have a bald spot on the back of my head. FML

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By CurtisWogan - 12/3/2014 22:23 - United States - Albany

Today, I met my mom's new business partner for the first time. I shook his hand, and introduced myself as "Lisa's daughter". I'm a guy. FML

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By Hank - 14/5/2009 14:17 - Canada

Today, I scored two prime baseball tickets from a supplier at work. I phoned my dad to tell him the good news. He said that's great, my brother and him would love to see the game. I said, no, I'm taking you to the game. He told me I was being selfish and hung up the phone. FML

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By Nate - 31/3/2011 15:54 - United States

Today, I was in church. After we were done praying, I quickly sat back down, accidentally crushing my testicles in the process. I squealed loudly and all but pissed my pants, earning me plenty of weird looks from the congregation. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2017 20:00

Today, my mom borrowed my computer without my permission and downloaded a virus. I came home to a blue screen of death. She refuses to admit fault and pay for a new computer. FML

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By Anon - 8/2/2017 05:00 - Australia

Head in the Clouds

Today, my 33-year-old brother told my 10-year-old daughter that clouds are made by factories blowing smoke. My daughter laughed at him and he got upset. He still believed my dad's lie from 25 years ago. FML

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By VaveJessop - 5/5/2020 20:00

Torn

Today, my 19-year-old best friend decided she's going to elope with her 30-year-old, alcoholic boyfriend, who she's only been dating for 5 months. She wants me to go with her and be her maid of honor. She says she'll never speak to me again if I don't support her terrible decision. FML

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By birthdaygirl - 11/3/2009 03:16 - United States

Today, I decided to get dressed up for school because it's my birthday. I was heading to class in my heels. Then, I rolled my ankle, fell down the muddy hill, pulled a leg muscle, and scratched up my knees. At least ten people saw it. I was wearing a white skirt. Happy Birthday. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2012 14:17 - Canada

Today, there was a big snow storm and I wanted to help shovel, so I put on 3 pairs of socks, 2 pairs of pants, 2 winter coats, 2 pairs of gloves, a hat and a scarf. Once outside, I was told to go back inside because the job was done. FML

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By CC - 2/9/2012 06:27 - United States - Southfield

Today, I was icing an injured foot with a frozen water bottle as the doctor directed me. When I was done, I picked the bottle up and immediately dropped it on the same injured foot, which is now swollen and bruised. FML

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By Kelly - 12/8/2009 18:09 - United States

Today, I heard a girl telling her friend all about her boyfriend, John. They talked about the grocery store that he works at, and that he drives a nice yellow mustang. My boyfriend's name is John, works at that same grocery store, and drives a nice yellow mustang. FML

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By Bigpoppa0507 - 31/8/2011 14:02 - Canada

Today, while playing with bubble wrap, I dislocated my thumb. FML

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By Peaches - 22/2/2017 12:00 - United States - Tucker

Today, I was informed that I was let go from my job for not showing up for a week. A week I'd scheduled off, that management had approved. FML

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By Lucas79 - 8/10/2011 01:23 - Australia

Today, I was walking down the street on my way to work, when an old lady's walking stick caught my leg and sent me crashing to the ground. She apologised for the accident and watched me stumble to my feet. I said not to worry. Just as I turned to leave, I could swear a smirk crept over her face. FML

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By bluebride - 3/2/2010 17:58 - United States

Today, I got married. My mother told me to stop being difficult, because she was the mother of the bride, and it was her day to shine. FML

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By Carolyn Burnham - 23/10/2016 15:23

Today, I was at the local drive-thru with my boyfriend. While we were picking up the food, the asswipe at the window thought it hilarious to copy the scene from "American Beauty" and pretend that we were a couple and that I was cheating on him. My actual boyfriend believed it and won't talk to me. FML

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By UghDude - 6/9/2014 13:35 - United States - Austin

Today, I found out that my sister licks all the flavoring off Doritos and puts them back in the bag. FML

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By charmed - 12/8/2016 08:53

Today, after being single for over five years, I was chatted up at the airport. Sadly, Prince Charming was a homeless guy who had very strong body odour, soiled trousers, a can of cheap beer and bugs in his dreads. He kissed my hand. I feel violated. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2010 23:28 - United Kingdom

Today, my parents hassled me for wanting to get my tongue pierced, saying it was filthy, unprofessional, and degrading. About an hour later, my sister let slip that my nipple is pierced. FML

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By Mrs. Man - 2/2/2012 18:29 - United States

Today, a stranger told me how proud he was that my boyfriend and I were so open with our sexuality. For the past three years, most strangers have thought we are a pair of gay men. I am a woman. FML

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By JC - 22/10/2009 23:05 - United States

Today, I took a smoke break at work and I noticed a huge zit on my face. I used the reflection from a window to take care of the problem and then realized that there was a staff meeting taking place on the other side. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2015 14:03 - United States - Charlotte

Today, after some great sex, my boyfriend mused: "You know, from this position, I could punch you in the cunt and you wouldn't be able to stop me." I could only relax when he finally fell asleep nearly an hour later. FML

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By sigh - 18/11/2019 01:00 - Singapore - Singapore

Lovely parents

Today, my parents forgot it was my birthday. They ordered me to scrub the common bathroom, and when I asked if they remembered, my dad's reaction was "Oh! Really?" My mom's was "I thought that it was next week." What lovely parents I have. FML

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By ayeyieyie - 26/10/2019 06:00 - United States

Hypocrite move

Today, my boyfriend of eight happy months suddenly broke up with me via text. He'd always insisted that texts were too impersonal. FML

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By NorwegianMadman - 22/12/2016 11:55

Today, nearly Christmas, my dad got mad because I don't have enough money for holiday festivities. I can't afford things because I haven't gotten my paycheck yet. I work for my dad. FML

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By Cathy - 14/12/2009 05:03 - United States

Today, my husband was choosing an auto insurance. Geico was $500 and Allstate was $200. He chose Geico because it had a 'cute little lizard.' FML

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By Anonymous - 25/1/2014 19:11 - United States - Salida

Today, I went back to work after a horrible bout of respiratory illness. After a few hours of using hot tea, cough drops, and tissues to deal with my lingering cough, I found out that my asshole coworker has filed a formal complaint about me disrupting her concentration. FML

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By agnosticstudy - 28/1/2009 21:53 - United States

Today, all three of my meals consisted of 2 hot pockets. FML

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By Ahsan - 16/8/2019 01:02 - Pakistan - Multan

Today, I was late for a meeting. The meeting hall door was made of glass, and it said pull, but in my rush, I pushed the door so hard that it shattered into small pieces. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/3/2013 01:27 - United States - Tucson

Today, I got laid off. Walking out of the building, I saw someone on crutches and thought, "Hey, at least I can still walk." Two hours later, I blew out my knee playing basketball. FML

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By anonymousyo - 24/4/2015 22:04 - United States - Vacaville

Today, I found my son's porn. I would sit him down for a talk, but the genres were so disturbing that I'm afraid to even ask about it. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2020 20:00

Give me a break!!

Today, in an effort to avoid having the same break as my annoying coworker, I went a little earlier than I usually do. Guess who got moved to a position with an early break? She sat next to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/1/2014 17:21 - United Kingdom - Aberystwyth

Today, after waiting two weeks for an email with my online textbook access code, it still hadn't arrived in time for my quiz tomorrow, so I ended up spending most of my money on the expensive physical copy. Not long after I got back home, the email finally arrived. FML

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By drunk - 6/3/2010 07:38 - Australia

Today, I woke up on a friend's floor with a massive hangover after her party last night. My friend, who was next to me, barfed all over me. She then told me that while I was drunk last night, I made out with her dog as well as two of our other friend's boyfriends. FML

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By bianca131 - 10/11/2015 03:42 - Australia

Today, I was having sex with someone I've been casually seeing. He got all weird during it, and said, "That's a good girl". Once he left, I told my housemates about it. Now every time I do something nice for them, they respond, "That's a good girl". FML

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By friend - 29/6/2012 20:48 - Israel - Rishon Le Zion

Today, I was babysitting a little girl, and we were playing with dolls. After we fed her babies, we put them down for a nap. After a few minutes, I asked if they'd had enough sleep. She looked at me like I was a freak and said, "Uh, they're not real babies, you know..." FML

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By couldntholdit - 12/7/2011 17:09 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with a guy that I really like. When he gave me a hug goodbye, he slid his hand into the back pocket of my jeans. It was glorious until I farted on his hand. FML

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Top comments

By smackaroonial | 20

#6117624 - Thursday 13 November 2014 7:45

Put febreeze on it. According to the commercials you can cover up anything, even the shits. Just make sure to walk around blindfolded so you don't have to see it.

By JuliaaNoelle | 26

#6117659 - Thursday 13 November 2014 8:21

Haven't you all realized that these shit puns aren't funny anymore

COMMENTS

By DestinyNiya | 33

#6117619 - Thursday 13 November 2014 7:41

That must've been shit. Sorry, OP.

Reply

JuliaaNoelle | 26

#6117659 - Thursday 13 November 2014 8:21

Haven't you all realized that these shit puns aren't funny anymore

Reply

edward80 | 18

#6117700 - Thursday 13 November 2014 11:09

Yes, i agree, that wasn't even punny

Reply

MeanBeagle | 22

#6117750 - Thursday 13 November 2014 13:16

there is definitely a "load" of them "piling" up in the comments lately

Reply

Ichiya | 29

#6117801 - Thursday 13 November 2014 15:46

Just thumb them down and move on I get more annoyed with people complaining about the shitty puns or when someone makes a bad first comment. It isn't that big of a deal.

Reply

Hiktmae | 20

#6117875 - Thursday 13 November 2014 19:10

Lol I actually liked #30's

By Bricktothehead | 21

#6117620 - Thursday 13 November 2014 7:41

Quite the shitty situation.

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NeatNit | 32

#6117718 - Thursday 13 November 2014 11:27

that must have scared the shit out of him!

you know, since we're already making unfunny jokes...

Reply

hduebdo | 14

#6117742 - Thursday 13 November 2014 12:43

You must be new here

By es3508 | 16

#6117621 - Thursday 13 November 2014 7:43

It sounds like you've had a crappy day.

By JayDay_123 | 18

#6117623 - Thursday 13 November 2014 7:44

Yuck. Sorry OP. Good luck with the stains.

By smackaroonial | 20

#6117624 - Thursday 13 November 2014 7:45

Put febreeze on it. According to the commercials you can cover up anything, even the shits. Just make sure to walk around blindfolded so you don't have to see it.

Reply

Pauline96_fml | 20

#6118322 - Friday 14 November 2014 6:10

Or she could have her boyfriend clean it up since he was the one that caused it in the first place

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sarah5745 | 41

#6118341 - Friday 14 November 2014 6:40

Op's boyfriend probably didn't know that the cat was gonna shit like that in the first place

By comedybreak | 20

#6117625 - Thursday 13 November 2014 7:45

What happened to the first comment always being "seems like a shitty situation" on these kind of FMLs

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sarah5745 | 41

#6117674 - Thursday 13 November 2014 9:12

I'm guessing that you haven't read the first comment yet..

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badluckalex | 23

#6117689 - Thursday 13 November 2014 10:23

Or the 5 after it... they're all shit puns
edit - no pun intended!

By austin_spade | 11

#6117626 - Thursday 13 November 2014 7:47

I hope that your boyfriend was sprayed with the shit as well.

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Jboy12213 | 6

#6117793 - Thursday 13 November 2014 15:29

#7 The boyfriend didn't mean for the cat's poop to spray everywhere.

Reply

coming back in the future | 30

#6118339 - Friday 14 November 2014 6:32

OP should dump her bf. *sarcasm*

By MrConcise | 34

#6117630 - Thursday 13 November 2014 7:50

That was a mental image I didn't need. I'll never be able to touch a chocolate fountain again.

Reply

Sonii008 | 19

#6117717 - Thursday 13 November 2014 11:25

You gave yourself that mental image dude... -.-

Reply

blazerman_fml | 17

#6117894 - Thursday 13 November 2014 20:26

Himself and now us -.-

Reply

MrConcise | 34

#6117902 - Thursday 13 November 2014 20:43

You can thank me after the next wedding reception you attend. :)

By LittleSushi_fml | 13

#6117631 - Thursday 13 November 2014 7:51

If he had the poopsies, wouldn't he have crapped on your lap anyway?

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heryseshta | 9

#6117782 - Thursday 13 November 2014 15:08

My sister in law is a vet tech and said sometimes cats get scared and release poop from their anal gland. It doesn't always matter if they have the shits or not. It's a self defense mechanism and smells worse than normal shit.

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cryssycakesx3 | 22

#6117792 - Thursday 13 November 2014 15:27

poopsies though...

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wannabesinger | 16

#6118154 - Friday 14 November 2014 2:13

Anal glands don't hold poop though. While it is true that animals will expressed their anal glands or their bowels when scared, the two do not go hand and hand.

By JessieTaft | 17

#6117635 - Thursday 13 November 2014 7:54

Maybe you should tell your boyfriend not to try to scare you when your cat is on your lap.