Love: Today, as my boyfriend left my house, I gave him a long, tight...

20/10/2014 19:11 - United States

Today, as my boyfriend left my house, I gave him a long, tight hug. So tight that he threw up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 462

You deserved it 9 808

bstent tells us more.

bstent 4

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Tuesday 21 October 2014 5:27

I honestly wasn't hugging him that hard.. We had just eaten and he's really skinny, so that probably had a lot to do with it lol

Love

The smell detective is on the case

Supply and demand

Booty pic

Cheers

By ineedanotherdrink - 07/08/2009 09:43 - United States

Today, I went out drinking with a friend I've been crushing on for a while now. After we'd been talking and had a few, she said, "Man, I haven't gotten laid in months! Do you mind?" Surprised but hopeful, I nodded. She leaned over, hugged me, and went to hit on a guy by the bar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 906

You deserved it 5 399

They're all eggheads to me

By sadie - 13/03/2021 23:01

Today, my daughter once again called my boyfriend by the name of an ex-boyfriend. She always does this and she claims it’s because they’re all bald. Can she not remember their very distinct faces? FML

I agree, your life sucks 635

You deserved it 380

14/10/2017 04:30

Today, I went to the doctor to get my swollen lymph nodes checked. As it turns out, they aren't swollen. I'm just fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 904

You deserved it 888

28/01/2010 00:09 - France

Today, after confessing my love for my best friend, he looked at me and said "I'm not feeling it. But does this mean we can have sex?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 457

You deserved it 3 603

31/08/2012 23:16 - United States - Lancaster

Today, I had my boss over for dinner. Knowing that I was angling for a promotion, my fifteen-year-old son spent the dinner uttering lines such as "What's the point of showering before bed?" and "Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks." My boss was not impressed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 061

You deserved it 4 892

Buffering

By Anonymous - 23/06/2021 13:59

Today, I was in the car with my boyfriend. After telling him how much I loved him, he asked me to marry him. When I said yes and started crying, he said he wasn't sure if he really wants to get married. FML

I agree, your life sucks 901

You deserved it 69

29/05/2015 03:39 - United States - Medina

Today, for my birthday, my boyfriend made me a coupon book. I thought it was sweet until I noticed they were all conditional. For example; "Give your boyfriend a blowjob and he'll give you a 10 minute back massage!". They're all like that and he's mad because I refuse to use them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 431

You deserved it 3 856

07/03/2012 18:51 - United Kingdom

Today, I went with my friends to see a movie. I handed my student card over to the cashier as proof I was old enough to see it, and he started laughing hysterically at my picture. Then he called over a colleague, who also started laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 990

You deserved it 2 998

08/02/2017 10:00 - United States - Warren

Today, with words of encouragement from my mom, I vacuumed my room. After finishing and admiring my job well done, I went to put the vacuum away. It caught on the plug for my electric razor which was dangling below the dresser and yanked that and everything else that was on top of it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 317

You deserved it 1 231

06/05/2014 09:11 - China - Shanghai

Today, after finishing a two hour essay exam that will determine the future of my career, I realized I misread the question. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 117

You deserved it 13 148

24/02/2011 09:44 - New Zealand

Today, I walked ten miles to pick up my car from the towing station. Turns out there was enough change for the parking meter in the glovebox after all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 882

You deserved it 27 448

22/02/2009 14:37 - United States

Today, I was at a party and all my friends started asking me ways they could leave so no one would notice because the party sucked. It was MY party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 492

You deserved it 7 431

07/02/2010 14:21 - United States

Today, I was at basketball practice and my coach asked me how my knee was. When I lifted my pants to show him, my cheetah print thong that had been stuck inside the pants from the dryer flew out to the ground. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 997

You deserved it 9 042

29/06/2019 01:00

Today, my son was crying and refusing to sleep in his room because a spider ran along the wall, and it's now hiding somewhere. He’s 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 612

You deserved it 380

13/12/2018 12:30

I went to check my grade that was posted for an essay for my comp 1 class. I got a zero. I was devastated only to find out I never actually clicked the submit document button. My grade dropped 20 points.

I agree, your life sucks 1 932

You deserved it 2 425

21/11/2012 21:06 - United States - Carthage

Today, my friends and I were playing truth or dare game. It was late and we were drunk, so they dared me to run naked into my neighbor's yard while yelling, "Help! The pixies took my penis!" I ran screaming right into their big family reunion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 519

You deserved it 38 864

Not a sheep, just taking their medication

By Anonymous - 26/08/2021 08:01

Today, I found out that my mom was one those people who willingly takes random doses of livestock dewormer to "fight Covid" instead of getting vaccinated, when she called me from the hospital after poisoning herself with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 121

You deserved it 94

10/02/2012 22:17 - Canada

Today, I was looking through some old family photos. I don't know what the hell was going on in my head, but I idly double-tapped on one to zoom in. They were prints. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 207

You deserved it 29 356

19/01/2019 14:00

Today, I stopped and helped a young lady stuck on the side of the road. Guess who got accused of forcing myself and got charged with impersonating a police officer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 453

You deserved it 251

09/09/2010 03:35 - Canada

Today, I was working at a restaurant. This guy comes up to the counter and asks if he could have some toothpicks. I told him they were right in front of him. He said "Sorry, I'm blind." Thinking it was a joke, I laughed until he said "No, seriously." FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 598

You deserved it 37 479

14/02/2014 22:41 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my dad gave me the sex talk. After telling me all the stuff I already knew, he told me never to use Durex condoms. He said, "They break a lot. That's the only reason you're around today, really." then chuckled to himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 918

You deserved it 5 783

02/06/2018 20:30

Today, I made roast beef with mashed potatoes and green beans for dinner. My 8-year-old daughter was crying and gagging the whole time, and eventually said between sobs, "Can't you just beat me and send me to bed hungry instead?" I have no clue where she got that idea from. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 063

You deserved it 421

31/07/2011 09:05 - Canada

Today, I walked in on my brother performing voodoo on a doll with my picture taped to its face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 109

You deserved it 4 897

17/05/2011 13:05

Today, my friends were making fun of my clumsiness. I replied that I was not clumsy, and to prove it I was going to go the whole day without messing up. As I said this, I tripped over an extension cord and hit my head on a desk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 573

You deserved it 11 996

12/03/2010 16:55 - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents. I hope my charm and smile was enough for them to forgive me for not wearing pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 963

You deserved it 31 309

30/07/2019 18:00

Today, I asked the restaurant manager if he could arrange to deliver an engagement ring to me and my girlfriend with our desserts. Desserts came, no ring. That guy wasn’t the manager, just a guy in a suit who legged it with my ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 192

You deserved it 1 974

23/12/2010 07:42 - United States

Today, a group of carolers was coming up my street, so I went out in the cold to wait for them. When they finally arrived, I waved and greeted them. They huddled up discussing something while pointing at me, then skipped my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 225

You deserved it 4 888

04/05/2009 02:12 - United States

Today, a man came up to me and asked for a $50 bill in change? Being a good man i said "sure." I gave him the change and he gave me the $50 bill. As I walk into starbucks to buy a coffee, I handed the casheir my fifty dollar bill, she called the cops. It was counterfeit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 807

You deserved it 23 466

06/12/2012 02:32 - United States

Today, my daughter called me to pick her up at the mall. She said I had to meet her inside a specific store, so I figured she wanted me to pay for something. Turns out I was right, she was being arrested for shoplifting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 602

You deserved it 2 759

03/11/2010 11:23 - United Kingdom

Today, I saw a portable speed camera on the highway and braked hard. I caused a 4 car pile-up and my car is totaled. It wasn't a speed camera. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 141

You deserved it 60 579

07/01/2015 16:29 - Sri Lanka

Today, my scumbag landlady broke into my place and stole my mop, which I refused to give her earlier. She denied everything and tried to convince me that some criminal broke in using a key, stole only my mop, and was nice enough to lock up on the way out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 483

You deserved it 2 776

29/01/2016 22:38 - China - Shanghai

Today, I'm doing an architecture course in China. My boss asked me to create a lamp shaped like a shrimp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 300

You deserved it 2 374

16/12/2009 07:28 - Costa Rica

Today, both of my grandparents died in a car accident. My Mom and Dad thought it would make me feel better to know they were not my real grandparents, because I'm adopted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 163

You deserved it 2 807

28/10/2015 15:09 - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of footsteps outside my room. I investigated but found nothing. As I went back to my room, I heard a sort of giggling from inside. I was so scared, I grabbed my car keys, got the fuck out of there, and drove to my girlfriend's house in my pajamas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 540

You deserved it 3 109

Hello little dude

By Anonymous - 19/05/2012 22:54 - United States

Today, I was about to get in the shower, when I felt an odd itch in my navel. I saw what I thought was bellybutton lint, so I pulled on it, and quickly realized what I had between my fingers was a still-squirming, headless tick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 499

You deserved it 2 851

12/02/2011 07:50 - United States

Today, while shopping in the baby department at a local department store, a woman approached me asking when I was due. I told her that I was due in 4 months. I lied. I'm not pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 807

You deserved it 28 851

25/01/2010 11:06 - France

Today, my fiancée texts me while out at a restaurant. She told me that she saw one of my high school friends there, and that he asked "How's Douglas doing?". She then asked me who Douglas is. Douglas is my legal name. We've been together for over three years and she didn't know. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 080

You deserved it 10 265

30/10/2012 01:30 - United States - Fruita

Today, I went to the hospital in labor expecting a baby boy. I ended the day with identical twins, a baffled doctor, and a husband convinced that our sons can clone themselves. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 650

You deserved it 2 906

06/06/2019 04:05

Today, my husband told me that for our anniversary he will be watching the UFC fight, because it is, "one of the biggest events ever and he just can't miss it." Apparently, our one-year wedding anniversary is not as important. To add to it, he said we should watch it together. Very romantic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 591

You deserved it 547

09/05/2011 07:05

Today, I found out that my classmates affectionately refer to me as "the kid whose eyes are really far apart." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 697

You deserved it 3 549

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Top comments

njgohard 16

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Monday 20 October 2014 23:33

Might want to ease up on arm day.

TMastaFresh 10

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Monday 20 October 2014 23:33

Damn maybe turn some of that passion into a kiss haha

TMastaFresh 10

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Monday 20 October 2014 23:33

Damn maybe turn some of that passion into a kiss haha

adrian1910 15

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Monday 20 October 2014 23:37

Her boyfriend must be anorexic

ChristianH39 30

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Monday 20 October 2014 23:40

You're thinking of bulimic... and no.

ChocolateScyther 19

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Tuesday 21 October 2014 1:28

his love was deep. he could feel it in his gut. he just wanted to show it.

Roskosity 22

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Tuesday 21 October 2014 1:36

No such thing as too clingy ;)

killerdana 19

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Tuesday 21 October 2014 3:43

Oh yes there is. Example: the last guy I dated snuck into my house in the middle of the night because he "missed me". Never found out how he got in

atav 17

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Tuesday 21 October 2014 4:34

If she turned that much passion into a kiss she might end up biting his tongue off.

incoherentrmblr 21

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Tuesday 21 October 2014 5:44

Too clingy in this case turned into a front Heimlich maneuver. If it was a kiss, she's be tasting that vomit...

Roskosity 22

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Tuesday 21 October 2014 13:10

Joking again!

Hiimhaileypotter 52

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Wednesday 22 October 2014 0:00

Whoa #42, I hope you changed your locks!

njgohard 16

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Monday 20 October 2014 23:33

Might want to ease up on arm day.

sayyestothedress 24

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Tuesday 21 October 2014 3:33

Found a relationship where your the strong one

jake238 9

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Tuesday 21 October 2014 4:45

Wtf wud u hug so hard creep

ChristianH39 30

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Monday 20 October 2014 23:34

Then you felt the warmth of his love for you?

sweetbliss3 37

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Monday 20 October 2014 23:35

that's nasty. loosen up a little bit. hugs aren't supposed to be puke worthy.

Welshite 39

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Monday 20 October 2014 23:35

You aren't supposed to give the Heimlich maneuver as a hug.

imjanty 10

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Monday 20 October 2014 23:35

At least he knows you care about him!

Angelkisses130 26

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Monday 20 October 2014 23:36

Awwww, poor thing :(

beserker81 12

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Tuesday 21 October 2014 1:31

Op sucks

Rizzen 27

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Monday 20 October 2014 23:39

yuck. im sorry to hear, hope he feels better

HappyItalian 38

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Monday 20 October 2014 23:40

Are you Hulk Hogan?

PenguinBitch 43

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Tuesday 21 October 2014 0:04

"Hell yeah I am sister!" *Hulk hogan voice while flexing so hard the veins look like they're about to pop and face red*

ahippienamedrae 10

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Tuesday 21 October 2014 2:14

23, I read that entire thing in Hulk Hogan's voice. It was really unnerving...

Garrett2818 21

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Tuesday 21 October 2014 6:51

Hulk huggin*

tony1891 22

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Monday 20 October 2014 23:40

didn't know it was possible to make Someone hurl by hugging them.

bstent 4

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Tuesday 21 October 2014 6:32

I didn't either!! >.< We always hug each other tightly and that was the first time anything like that has happened.

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69

You deserved it 7

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 139

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 837

You deserved it 207

Today, for the first time I had to lie to the man I intend to marry, because I had a very intense and hot dream about Leslie Nielsen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 495

You deserved it 155

bstent tells us more.

Cheers

They're all eggheads to me

Buffering

Not a sheep, just taking their medication

Hello little dude

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