By chessu - 02/02/2016 13:32 - United Kingdom - Harrow
chessu tells us more.
I wasn't sure if maybe I was being too harsh or petty, so all your comments make me feel a bit lesser of a lousy friend myself. Anyway some extra details and answers to your questions: I've lived abroad for a few years now, but due to constant moving around, I haven't been able to really form a decent group of friends. One of my last birthdays no one I invited showed up as I happened to be sharing the date with two other people from the same groups, but whom I was not good enough friends with to hold a joint party with, and all my guests split between the two. One of the next ones I only told a select few, who I then considered to be my friends and promised me 'a nice lunch at least', and then bailed. My BFF knew all about this, and knew how big of a deal it was for me to finally maybe be able to have a nice day. Of course, I understand that life goes on and I can't except people to just turn up when I want them to, which is why I tried to plan this a month in advance, the date being in talks for ages now. When the discussion came up, his date was still being decided on. And, yes - it is his birthday party as well, not just a party. However, he is celebrating his over two days, and could pick a different weekend as well (which was in cards, apparently), but chose not to. I, however, am restricted to that one day due to only having a couple of holiday days. And no, I don't think 'just two months' means that the relationship isn't serious, but I do feel that under the circumstances I should have priority. She made it clear it wasn't a difficult decision, which is, perhaps, what upsets me the most. Yes, we are all adults. No, the date wasn't sprung on her out of nowhere and no plans were set in stone. I only get to see her a couple of days a year (we talk more often, of course!) and they get to see each other if not daily then at least weekly. I don't take her to be a person who normally just bails or forgets her friends, I just think she's new to this whole situation and I don't think this necessarily needs to mean the end of our friendship, but I can't help but feel really hurt by this whole situation. I just never saw this ever being an option with her.
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Just because they've only been dating two months doesn't mean their relationship is meaningless. It was probably a difficult decision for your friend, but if you want your relationship to work you need to put your significant other ahead of time with pals. NOT always, but in some circumstances.
10 years vs 2 months.... When I first started dating the man I'm now married to, my buddy came home from deployment. Mutual friends were throwing a party for him on the night we had planned a date for. I told him date night would have to wait and agreed. Even drove me to the party.
Although I do agree with you that friends come first, I think it also depends on the circumstances. The friend might not have known that OP would come home this time and had accepted the invitation to the party a long time ago. It might be a really big event.
I'm not sure of their ages though I assume both parties qualify as adults. Therefore, OP can't expect her friend to drop everything in order to accommodate OP. If the friends boyfriend had already planned his party then he should not be required to move it or not be able to spend that time with his SO. The piece of information we are missing is the communication between OP and her friend. Did they know about the dates? Did OP refuse to move her party date? Was it a last minute decision? IMO friends do not come first in your life. once you are in a serious relationship your SO comes first. Then family. Then friends. if OP can't understand that then I'm sorry.
It might be different if it was the boyfriends birthday or something, but it was just a party. I think the best friend definitely should've gone to op's 1st birthday party in 10 years over the boyfriends party. The 2 months just adds to it, I would think this even if they were married. It's just a random party vs a 1st birthday party in 10 years.
She was talking about her birthday them said her friend's boyfriend's party was on the same day, I think that makes it clear that his was also a birthday party, imagine having a birthday party and your partner not there to share it with you, yeah it's only been two months, but this girl hasn't had a birthday party with her friend for 10yrs I'm assuming she didn't go to her friends parties for 10yrs either. Sometimes when it's been so long friends drift apart, it's a shame but it does happen
Well she knows when mine is, and though no FB event was created yet, she did know that I was coming home during that weekend and it's likely to be happening. I didn't know the BF's birthday is near a similar time until I she let me know that actually he is considering the same dates and then subsequently that she won't be attending mine.
If op was only coming home for the weekend then the friend should definitely be going to op's party over her boyfriends. She sees her boyfriend almost every day I bet, and she rarely gets to see her best friend. The boyfriend should be understanding of this too. He should celebrate his birthday with his friends at his party and then the two of them can celebrate a few days later hair the two of them. Plus, if it's a serious relationship than there should be many more birthdays together, where as the long distance best friend only gets to celebrate and see each other every once in awhile.
sorry OP but you left her to ASSUME when you would have a party and what you would do. You assumed she just knew and assumed she'd clear her schedule. while I agree with a few people saying she should have at least inquired about your time here, I don't think she should have ditched her BF to go to your party. I think it would've been polite to have made an appearance at your party. overall if you do not check with the person you mainly want to attend then you run the risk of them not being able to attend. hopefully you two got to enjoy each others company and have fun the remainder of your visit.
Seems like your friend's emotional distance is more than your physical ever was. You should reconsider with whom you associate with. An ocean away, or a room apart, real friends would try to be there for you in any available form.
a friend of mine once said, "ovaries before brovaries." your friend broke that code.