Health: Today, after a big house party the night before, I woke up with...

By shartface12 - United States - San Jose

Today, after a big house party the night before, I woke up with a dry mouth and a pounding hangover. I took a swig from a cup I'd left on my bedside table the night before, thinking it was water. Nope; it was vodka. FML

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Health

This Charming Man

Late term

It never rains, it pours

By targetlove - Australia

Today, I was in a rush to get to the toilet, I went in and sat on the seat. Then I felt a stinging pain on my left bum cheek. I jumped up quickly to see a wasp splashing around in the bowl. It stung me, and now have a bum cheek twice its normal size, and pee all over my pants. FML

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By oldtimerclark - United States

Today, I was talking to my only grandson about how I was going to the dentist to get my teeth fixed and how it was going to cost a lot of money, he replied saying "Who cares, you're going to die soon anyways". FML

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By Roida - Australia

Today, my parents had a fight, which is a pretty normal occurrence at our house. But today, they fought over an orange. Dad is now sitting in his bedroom with the aforementioned orange. FML

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By LanaStidolph

Today, I bought shampoos and household chemicals and was heading home on my bike when it started to rain. I felt a weird burning sensation down my back so I stopped and got off the bike. My backpack and jeans were covered in foam. FML

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By PityKitty

Today, I pretended to cry in front of my cat because she doesn't cuddle with me anymore. Yeah, I tried to guilt-trip my cat into loving me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bremerton

Today, my ex told me that she's 3 weeks pregnant with my child. Not only was she on her period when I broke up with her last week, her friend let me know that the positive pregnancy test she showed me was a fake that she'd bought online. FML

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By Big_gulps_huh - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I realized I am more confident running a million-dollar piece of construction equipment than I am around people of the opposite sex. FML

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By no one - United States - Dallas

Today, my house caught on fire. The firefighters said that it was caused by a lit cigarette on the carpet. I don't smoke, but apparently my 13 year-old son does. FML

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By chicagobulls102 - United States

Today, the really cute guy who asked for my number last night texted me. He wanted to know if he could get my friend's number, because he'd been too shy to ask her directly. FML

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By FailingMyCourse - Kuwait - Kuwait

Today, I found out that my university had not accepted the internship I did when I was in college. They placed me in the same bank I interned in, with the same bank manager that I flipped the middle finger at after finishing my internship. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my girlfriend told me that she is pregnant. I asked how it could be possible, since she's on birth control. She said she didn't know her antibiotics would interfere with it. She's a pharmacist. FML

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By FaceTime issues - United States - Scottsdale

Today, I called my mom to ask for some help with my dishwasher. Somehow, the call got turned into a video call. I was wearing a bathrobe, and she was naked in her bathroom. Most awkward call ever. FML

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By shylahrc - United States

Today, my mom discovered a new way to get over her breakup: yodelling. FML

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By Alin

Today, I slept alone again in bed. After travelling 15000 km across the world to be with my long-distance husband, he has refused to kiss or hug me in the week I've been here. I never thought I would be in a sexless marriage. FML

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By Anonwymous - United Kingdom

Today, I asked my fiancé's daughter to use her phone so I could call mine which I'd misplaced. Busy with homework, she nodded. Only after she jumped up did I notice that she had my number listed with a humiliating nickname, and accompanied by a photo of her middle finger. FML

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By fuck Star Wars - 14/9/2020 10:02

The Force is weak with this one

Today, I sat through 9 gruelling hours of Star Wars with my boyfriend. I hate those movies with a passion and frankly would rather get a pap smear from Wolverine than watch them. Afterwards, he dumped me for yawning, saying that I didn’t take a “serious” interest in his favorite things. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Wapakoneta

Today, my surgeon was giving me the lowdown of what was going to happen on the operating table. I was anxious enough without him saying stuff like "cut you open", "quite a bit of blood" and "it's all quite risky." That's all I remember before fainting. My wife won't stop mocking me for it. FML

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By sounfair90 - United States

Today, I felt left out that all my friends are getting married or have great relationships and my boyfriend won't commit. I made a facebook up and pretended to talk with this really cute guy I made up. Today, I found out that my boyfriend is gay... he started hitting on my made up facebook guy. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2021 14:01 - United States - Keene

Work sucks, I know

Today, I had to go hands-on at work while choking on mace with a man who was mentally disturbed, and it could have been avoided if my supervisor had been less concerned with asserting dominance and instead let the guy come to grips with his situation. Great use of my college degrees. FML

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By Hannah - Ireland

Today, I made the long drive to work, got out of the car, and realised that I'd forgotten to put shoes on before I left the house. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Bergeyk

Cheap-ass lying bro-bro!

Today, I found out my boyfriend is booking my dream vacation to Bali with his brothers, 6 months after he told me we couldn't go on vacation this year because he doesn’t have the money. They planned this within a week. I had been planning it with him for months. FML

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By unknown - Canada

Today, I brought my 6-year-old to the mall to sit on Santa's lap. She told him what she wanted and smiled for the picture. When the lady told her that her turn was over, she began throwing a fit, pulling off Santa's beard in the process. This caused all the kids in line to begin sobbing. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2021 14:00

Right place, wrong body

Today, I came home and heard a noise in the bathroom. I figured it was my girlfriend, so I went over and as the door closed, I told her not to close it because I'd seen her beautiful body before. Turns out it was our roommate. FML

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By kaitlynn - France

Today, at four in the morning, I was asleep with my boyfriend beside me. I started yelling at him in my sleep and broke up with him. When I woke up, he was gone. FML

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By yummolives - United States

Today, my little sister recieved a fairy costume from my aunt. She put it on and waves her wand at me. She said,"Abra cadabra bibbity poo. I wish Sydney was pretty." When I did nothing, she put her hands on her hips and says,"Cant you just act pretty?" FML

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By I warned him - United States - Marietta

Today, I beat my boyfriend in a video game. He promptly dumped me and told me to leave. FML

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By grow_fasterrr - - Canada

Today, I went to get a trim. However, follow-up damage control at home afterward shouldn't really be necessary on a fifty dollar haircut. FML

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By blackchin III - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, a fly landed on my face. Before I could even react, my brother "helpfully" punched it hard enough to both kill the fly and knock me out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Modesto

Today, I found out why the parents whose children I babysit use me so often and on such short notice. It's not because they have abrupt nights out; it's because their kids hate me, and me being around is their way of punishing them. FML

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By Sad.To.Be.Me. - United States

Today, I was watching TV with my boyfriend, when a World of Warcraft commercial came on. He turned to me and said, "Yeah, I'd choose the Horde over you any day." FML

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By Anonymous - Belgium - Overijse

Today, a friend pointed out to me that my girlfriend of 5 years looks a bit like my mom. She does, and I can't get it out of my head. FML

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By Starfucks - United States - Bensalem

Today, I was in Starbucks with my daughter when she noticed a travel cup she liked. She picked one up and asked for it, but I said no because it was expensive. She angrily slammed it back into its stand and in the process, knocked over a display of ceramic mugs. I had to pay for each broken mug. FML

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By no touching - Australia - Blacktown

Today, at a music festival, some douche unzipped the back of my skirt, exposing my Ninja Turtle undies to everyone before running off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after weeks of looking forward to my birthday trip to the beach, I've come down with a serious case of the flu. My family is still going without me, but at least now they don't have to pay someone to watch the dog. Happy birthday to me. FML

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By straightasaneedle - Germany

Today, after three weeks of putting it off, I decided to ask out the girl I've had a major crush on since third grade. When I told her, she smiled, but then quickly said, "But aren't you gay?" FML

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By treeless - Canada

Today, my apartment was broken into. The thief stole my TV, $350, and my Christmas tree. There is still a trail of broken ornaments from my living room to the door. FML

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By scoold - United States - Dover

Today, my boss sent me a link on how to write a good resignation letter. FML

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By Random - Canada - Langley

Today, I told my crush, who I've liked for a while, that I liked him. He looked at me in pure terror and walked away. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Amelia

Today, my brother thought New Year's would be more epic and memorable if the fireworks were set off in the family room and not outside. It is memorable. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I found out why my cups of tea have been tasting a bit funny. It turns out my kettle is full of ants, so every time I boil water to make tea, the ants get re-boiled along with it. FML

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Top comments

By thee_most_dope | 30

#5967446 - Saturday 7 June 2014 5:12

totally saw that one coming lol

By PiinkVanilla | 15

#5967452 - Saturday 7 June 2014 5:13

Never trust you from the night before.

COMMENTS

By thee_most_dope | 30

#5967446 - Saturday 7 June 2014 5:12

totally saw that one coming lol

Brandi_Faith | 33

#5967582 - Saturday 7 June 2014 6:40

I totally thought it was going to be pee from the middle of the night.

hazardoussmiles9 | 22

#5967640 - Saturday 7 June 2014 8:15

I thought it would be vomit

Garrett2818 | 21

#5967701 - Saturday 7 June 2014 10:49

Best way to cure a hangover hahah jk

Arthurie | 30

#5967842 - Saturday 7 June 2014 15:08

43 - In the wise words of Cleveland from Family Guy, "Oh, that's nasty."

thisguy22 | 33

#5968577 - Sunday 8 June 2014 6:19

I assumed it would be an ashtray cup/can. Something he put a cigarette, or three, out in the night before.

By Draxanoth | 15

#5967447 - Saturday 7 June 2014 5:12

And it begins...

laden_swallow09 | 34

#5967598 - Saturday 7 June 2014 7:02

What? What begins? Sounds more like it already ended.

Demig0d6 | 14

#5967605 - Saturday 7 June 2014 7:09

Hangover part 3

emily4040 | 18

#5967835 - Saturday 7 June 2014 14:49

What?

By PiinkVanilla | 15

#5967452 - Saturday 7 June 2014 5:13

Never trust you from the night before.

ladyLALAA | 28

#5969651 - Monday 9 June 2014 10:52

Maybe it was a present from your last night's self? Mix that with some Powerade and you're good to go!

By ghostsoul21 | 12

#5967456 - Saturday 7 June 2014 5:14

Couldn't you smell the difference though.. How does that even happen..

Miss_Whipped | 43

#5967482 - Saturday 7 June 2014 5:20

OP might just have been in desperation for a drink as soon as he woke up. We don't always think clearly right as we break out of unconsciousness.

badluckalex | 23

#5967525 - Saturday 7 June 2014 5:41

@5- I would still check the cup at least! Although, I have heard that taking a shot the morning after a nght of drinking helps with a hangover.

yoshiyakiryu | 20

#5967822 - Saturday 7 June 2014 14:39

I've done it before too, I don't typically get hungover but when I do I tend to not be able to register certain things, e.g. smells.

By spignona84 | 11

#5967484 - Saturday 7 June 2014 5:21

Be thankful it wasn't chew spit

doggiewoggie | 13

#5967528 - Saturday 7 June 2014 5:42

Or piss.

AnOriginalName | 19

#5967532 - Saturday 7 June 2014 5:44

Or semen in beer.

91hayek | 31

#5967584 - Saturday 7 June 2014 6:41

Or chew spit, semen and piss in a beer.

By ironichalibut | 24

#5967485 - Saturday 7 June 2014 5:21

Starting the day the right way

CVTTRVN | 19

#5967673 - Saturday 7 June 2014 9:41

Party never ends...

zandalee | 19

#5967734 - Saturday 7 June 2014 12:00

Hair of the dog!! Perfect!

By tpm45 | 25

#5967488 - Saturday 7 June 2014 5:23

And this is why you don't get so drunk that you end up like that. You're lucky that it was at least drinkable, OP.

xNephilim | 18

#5967612 - Saturday 7 June 2014 7:18

Eh I wouldn't necessarily say that. I've been drunk plenty of times and woke up without a hangover. Then I drank something different once and didn't even get past a buzz but I was puking the next morning.