Health: Today, after a big house party the night before, I woke up with...

By shartface12 - United States - San Jose

Today, after a big house party the night before, I woke up with a dry mouth and a pounding hangover. I took a swig from a cup I'd left on my bedside table the night before, thinking it was water. Nope; it was vodka. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25922

You deserved it

43443

Favorite

Health

Proactive

F*** my overweight life

Added flavor

By Noname - United States

Today, I came back from a hike to see my trailer rocking, as well as some strange but obvious noises coming from it. I went camping alone. Two strangers were in my camper having sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

146405

You deserved it

11716

Favorite

By Pants-Girl - Canada

Public surprise

Today, I was out walking downtown. A woman walking behind the thought that my pants were hanging too low. She came over to me and yanked my pants up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

995

You deserved it

2404

Favorite

By noonotme - United States

Today, my father told me to stop purposely singing out of tune because it was annoying. I wasn't doing it on purpose; it's my real voice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27372

You deserved it

6632

Favorite

By fuckMYlife94321 - United States

Today, I was taking a nap while my mom was at work. I woke up when she came home and didn't think anything of it so I went back to sleep. When I woke up again, I went downstairs and our 52" plasma screen TV, my xbox 360, and $1500 computer were all stolen. I'm guessing that wasn't my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

63752

You deserved it

13730

Favorite

By sofked - United States

Today, the disgruntled ex-boyfriend of a woman who lives three floors down from me slashed her tires for breaking up with him. He also, for good measure, slashed the tires of the person parked to the left and right of her. I was parked to the right of her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38560

You deserved it

2174

Favorite

By Anonymous - France

Today, I asked out a guy at work that I really like. He just stared at me and said, "Honestly? I'd rather smash my balls with a mallet. No offense." FML

I agree, your life sucks

55579

You deserved it

4919

Favorite

By Ulysse - United Kingdom

Today, on my first day at a new job, my boss asked how old I was. I replied, "Eighteen." She responded that she was my age thirty years ago, which makes her the same age as my mum. When I told her, she gave me a puzzled look, so I repeated myself. She was my age thirteen years ago, not thirty. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30185

You deserved it

14322

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the dentist. I had to get a tooth removed. In the middle of the procedure, the power went out. I had to sit there for an hour to wait for it to come back on. The anesthetic wore off before he started working on me again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35316

You deserved it

2692

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend surprised me by showing up at my work and proposing to me. It was sweet until an angry customer bitched us out for "wasting her time." FML

I agree, your life sucks

30084

You deserved it

3563

Favorite

By hotmommy

Today, I went to the mall with my daughter. She asked me if she could go see Santa, so I said yes. She made me sit on his lap with her, and that's when I felt something on my bum. Let's just say Santa had a present for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45049

You deserved it

6579

Favorite

By screwed - United States - Amarillo

Today, I had to give a deposition ahead of a trial in which my former boss is accused of fraud. I'm not a smart man, and I smoked a joint before heading out to try to calm my nerves. I got way too high and ended up giggling like an idiot through half the deposition. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18158

You deserved it

69732

Favorite

By shit - United States

Today, I accidentally rear-ended an undercover police car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32903

You deserved it

13715

Favorite

By Gilly

Today, my kid felt bad that our cat didn't get an Easter egg hunt at Easter so he has hidden sardines around the house for her to find. The house reeks and I don't know how many are left to find. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4768

You deserved it

523

Favorite

By Chicketi - Canada

Today, I cut myself on a band-aid box, while trying to get one out for another cut. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39915

You deserved it

8222

Favorite

By couch girl - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I got harassed and screamed at by a middle-aged man for parking in a spot close to the store, because he wanted the same spot so he didn't have to walk so far with his groceries. He took a photo and vowed to report me to the authorities. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44695

You deserved it

3909

Favorite

By Pudgymom

Today, I ran into an old friend at the store with my infant daughter. As we caught up, she assured me that I could get rid of all my baby weight from the pregnancy. If only I had actually been pregnant. My wife carried her and looks fantastic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11310

You deserved it

1617

Favorite

By Anonymous - 28/7/2020 08:06

Easy listener

Today, on the phone, my boyfriend was complaining about the heat. When I told him that it wasn't hot where I live, at all, but that I had trouble sleeping due to stress, he replied, "Because of the heat, right? What else can it be?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

1267

You deserved it

205

Favorite

By Akashi - 22/7/2020 14:00

Nutfirecracker

Today, my boyfriend and I were sitting on the couch and his legs were on my lap. We heard a loud firework from somewhere outside our window, we both jumped and I felt the pain of him kicking me in the nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1180

You deserved it

376

Favorite

By Anonymous - Norway - Mo I Rana

Today, I accidentally let a huge one rip while tending to an older patient at the nursing home where I work. The patient passed away shortly thereafter. Coincidence? FML

I agree, your life sucks

46484

You deserved it

7325

Favorite

By Username

Today, I got attacked by my own dog. I don't know what will be harder, telling everyone how my dog thought I was a robber or explaining to them why a 25 year old man owns a poodle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27250

You deserved it

16453

Favorite

By arctic1 - United States

Today, me and my girlfriend were heading back to her place. On the way there, she was rubbing and stroking me. When we got there, I asked her mom for a congrats hug. I forgot I had a hard on from my girlfriend. She felt it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20261

You deserved it

68406

Favorite

By sonwhy - United States - Brookfield

Today, I found out that my son set up a telescope in the attic not so he could study astronomy like he told me, but so he could spy on the girl across the street. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39571

You deserved it

7225

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of over a year looked at me and said, "Sometimes I just want to hit you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

35780

You deserved it

10848

Favorite

By useless bosses - Australia - Sydney

Today, the people who gave me no training or instruction on how to do my job tried to fire me, because asking for clarification apparently means I'm incompetent. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6494

You deserved it

394

Favorite

By fml - United States

Today, after 3 years at my job I received a 14% raise. I was informed I will be transitioned from hourly to salary. I will now be making $1500 LESS than I made last year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38559

You deserved it

3344

Favorite

By bertiebeth - Australia - Padstow

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he wanted me to get him some take out. He responded with, "I think we should see other people. Uh, chicken please." FML

I agree, your life sucks

47679

You deserved it

4013

Favorite

By 123alleyesonme - United States - Austin

Today, after losing twenty pounds to please my husband, the only comment I received was, "At least now only your personality sucks." FML

I agree, your life sucks

33795

You deserved it

5072

Favorite

By ThisChick - United States - New Orleans

Today, I cringed at a memory of 5-year-old me going to restaurants I was brought to and stealing tip money because I thought it was free. I got to watch a kid do the same thing to me. Oh, sweet karma. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11908

You deserved it

2477

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I shared our first kiss. When I leaned in on him, he fell over backwards and smashed his head against the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29518

You deserved it

4077

Favorite

By photomark - United States

Today, I saw a quarter in my poop. My friends say I do stupid things when I get drunk. Apparently, eating change is one of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10480

You deserved it

36906

Favorite

By mother to be - United States

Today, while talking to my sister, I explained to her that the reason I hope I end up having a girl is I want my daughter to love me the way I "used" to love my own mother. I didn't mean to say it in the past tense. My sister told my mom. She's planning my baby shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38832

You deserved it

7021

Favorite

By sighoutloud - United States

Today, my fiancé told my mom that she screwed me up. I now have to write an apologetic e-mail to her for something that I agree with, in order for her to stop calling me crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25896

You deserved it

3810

Favorite

By grosssss - Australia

Today, while I was trying to get to sleep, I heard a strange noise coming from the bunk bed above mine. I looked up to see what it was and my cat vomited over the edge, onto my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31639

You deserved it

3403

Favorite

By Forever Alone

Hashtag ForeverAlone

Today, I was so happy to hear my phone go "Ding" that I jumped for joy out of my couch. It was actually a character on my TV getting a text. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1608

You deserved it

260

Favorite

By stuck - United States - California

Today, I paid a locksmith $100 after I locked myself out of my apartment. All he did was hit it, and it flung open. It wasn't locked, it'd just got stuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11241

You deserved it

23878

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I ate what was supposed to be a delicious mini powdered donut. The first one tasted funny, so I pulled out another one and realized that the powdered sugar was now in fact powdered hairy mold. Then I looked at the package and realized it was over a year and a half old. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13674

You deserved it

40665

Favorite

By axel519 - United States

Today, my girlfriend decided to raid my games collection and try her hand at Amnesia: The Dark Descent. Two hours later, despite my best attempts to make her stop shrieking like a dying crackhead every two minutes, two cops showed up at the door with our neighbors in tow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27942

You deserved it

3038

Favorite

By SomeGuyInNY - United States - Poughkeepsie

Today, I volunteered to tend bar at a friend's charity event. I was called incompetent and had a drink thrown at me for stirring a martini instead of shaking "like they do in James Bond". I've been tending bar for 30 years and have never had a drink thrown at me before. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4634

You deserved it

313

Favorite

By Bnewlove - Canada - Surrey

Today, my boyfriend suggested that we become "drug dealers" because I'm a chemistry student and he's seen a few episodes of Breaking Bad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49974

You deserved it

5255

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, against my advice, my boyfriend decided to read Fifty Shades of Grey in an attempt to learn how to please me in bed. Now all he does is suck on my toes, and thinks it's weird that I don't spontaneously orgasm as if I'm some kind of nymphomaniacal weirdo. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38137

You deserved it

5338

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By thee_most_dope | 30

#5967446 - Saturday 7 June 2014 5:12

totally saw that one coming lol

By PiinkVanilla | 15

#5967452 - Saturday 7 June 2014 5:13

Never trust you from the night before.

COMMENTS

By thee_most_dope | 30

#5967446 - Saturday 7 June 2014 5:12

totally saw that one coming lol

Brandi_Faith | 33

#5967582 - Saturday 7 June 2014 6:40

I totally thought it was going to be pee from the middle of the night.

hazardoussmiles9 | 22

#5967640 - Saturday 7 June 2014 8:15

I thought it would be vomit

Garrett2818 | 21

#5967701 - Saturday 7 June 2014 10:49

Best way to cure a hangover hahah jk

Arthurie | 30

#5967842 - Saturday 7 June 2014 15:08

43 - In the wise words of Cleveland from Family Guy, "Oh, that's nasty."

thisguy22 | 33

#5968577 - Sunday 8 June 2014 6:19

I assumed it would be an ashtray cup/can. Something he put a cigarette, or three, out in the night before.

By Draxanoth | 15

#5967447 - Saturday 7 June 2014 5:12

And it begins...

laden_swallow09 | 34

#5967598 - Saturday 7 June 2014 7:02

What? What begins? Sounds more like it already ended.

Demig0d6 | 14

#5967605 - Saturday 7 June 2014 7:09

Hangover part 3

emily4040 | 18

#5967835 - Saturday 7 June 2014 14:49

What?

By PiinkVanilla | 15

#5967452 - Saturday 7 June 2014 5:13

Never trust you from the night before.

ladyLALAA | 28

#5969651 - Monday 9 June 2014 10:52

Maybe it was a present from your last night's self? Mix that with some Powerade and you're good to go!

By ghostsoul21 | 12

#5967456 - Saturday 7 June 2014 5:14

Couldn't you smell the difference though.. How does that even happen..

Miss_Whipped | 43

#5967482 - Saturday 7 June 2014 5:20

OP might just have been in desperation for a drink as soon as he woke up. We don't always think clearly right as we break out of unconsciousness.

badluckalex | 23

#5967525 - Saturday 7 June 2014 5:41

@5- I would still check the cup at least! Although, I have heard that taking a shot the morning after a nght of drinking helps with a hangover.

yoshiyakiryu | 20

#5967822 - Saturday 7 June 2014 14:39

I've done it before too, I don't typically get hungover but when I do I tend to not be able to register certain things, e.g. smells.

By spignona84 | 11

#5967484 - Saturday 7 June 2014 5:21

Be thankful it wasn't chew spit

doggiewoggie | 13

#5967528 - Saturday 7 June 2014 5:42

Or piss.

AnOriginalName | 19

#5967532 - Saturday 7 June 2014 5:44

Or semen in beer.

91hayek | 31

#5967584 - Saturday 7 June 2014 6:41

Or chew spit, semen and piss in a beer.

By ironichalibut | 24

#5967485 - Saturday 7 June 2014 5:21

Starting the day the right way

CVTTRVN | 19

#5967673 - Saturday 7 June 2014 9:41

Party never ends...

zandalee | 19

#5967734 - Saturday 7 June 2014 12:00

Hair of the dog!! Perfect!

By tpm45 | 25

#5967488 - Saturday 7 June 2014 5:23

And this is why you don't get so drunk that you end up like that. You're lucky that it was at least drinkable, OP.

xNephilim | 18

#5967612 - Saturday 7 June 2014 7:18

Eh I wouldn't necessarily say that. I've been drunk plenty of times and woke up without a hangover. Then I drank something different once and didn't even get past a buzz but I was puking the next morning.