Today, after a big house party the night before, I woke up with...

By shartface12 - 6/6/2014 22:01 - United States - San Jose

Today, after a big house party the night before, I woke up with a dry mouth and a pounding hangover. I took a swig from a cup I'd left on my bedside table the night before, thinking it was water. Nope; it was vodka. FML

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Health

Delayed proposal

Yappy neighborhood

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

By black and yellow - 21/1/2013 06:32 - United States - Salinas

Today, I went to see my new dentist. He was really cute, so after the checkup I started flirting. He stopped me right after I asked him out, saying, "Being a dentist has its advantages, I can see the girl's mouth before I stick my tongue in it. And in your case, it's a big no." FML

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By Nicole - 13/12/2014 15:20 - United States

Today, I finally told my boyfriend that he's not very good at dirty talk. He does it every time we have sex and it always turns me off. He started crying. FML

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By SirPimPim - 14/6/2010 14:32 - Sweden

Today, it was a long queue at the store, and behind me were two senior citizens. I wanted to do a good deed, and said: "Cut before me in line, I have all the time in the world." My reward? The old man scolded me because I supposedly insinuated that they were old, and only had a short time left to live. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/11/2014 18:03 - Poland - Warsaw

Today, I told my boss I'm going to quit, after months of being abused, doing meaningless work, and working late every day. I was soon given so many new projects that I didn't even have time to write my resignation letter. FML

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By laststand11 - 28/3/2012 22:49 - United States - Lexington

Today, I had to explain to my 15-year-old son why it wouldn't be a good idea to include a picture of the red Power Ranger in his "Weapons throughout history" project. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2015 13:37 - United States - Palmer

Today, my boss forced me to come into work despite having a bad cold. While waiting a table, I violently sneezed and sprayed a child's face with snot. His dad got so pissed that my boss had to pretend to fire me just to calm him down. FML

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By diskdude13 - 15/10/2009 01:48 - United States

Today, I just let out all my feeling for a woman that I have loved for 22 years. When I finished she said "You're so funny" and walked away. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2013 05:54 - United States

Today, I lost my virginity. Not only did my parents somehow find out, they posted about it on Facebook. FML

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By Iarla_ceapaire93 - 16/6/2015 17:27 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I went to the gym to try to get into shape. While I was running on the treadmill, my beer belly pushed against the emergency stop button, twice. FML

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By Hotmama - 30/1/2017 08:00 - United States

Today, I was nice to my son's friend. He's 27 and needs to get a life. Now he won't stop texting me and flirting. I will have to escort him back, not just to the "friend zone", but to the "I'm twice your age and your friend's mom zone". FML

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By pregnantapparently - 10/12/2015 18:45 - United States - Durham

Today, I had been stress-eating a lot of junk food during finals week at college. I was feeling worried about my figure, and lifted up my shirt to see myself in the mirror. My boyfriend, who I didn't know was watching, promptly said, "Whoa babe, it looks like the condom broke!" FML

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By No-Sleep Nellie - 7/7/2015 13:26 - United States - Waterloo

Today, my mother woke me up by loudly vacuuming the house. I had to work the next morning, so I asked her what she was thinking. She told me that if I was really tired and needed sleep, I wouldn't have woken up. It was 3 AM. FML

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By Alice - 30/8/2015 12:13 - United States - Logan

Today, I met my fiancé's much older sister for the first time. Turns out she is actually my old high school English teacher who used to make me cry at least 3 times a week. It's been three hours and I've accidentally called her Miss Willow 4 times and been reduced to tears twice. FML

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By Foreveralone - 22/7/2016 08:54 - United States - Hartford

Today, I was told I'm not invited to my best friend's birthday party. Apparently, being divorced and childless doesn't "mesh" well with the rest of the group. My parents are still watching her kids so she can go away for the weekend. FML

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By smurftastic - 3/9/2013 03:03 - United States - Murrieta

Today, my company is doing so bad that I had to take down my symbolic first dollar so that I could buy a roll of crackers for dinner. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2013 19:12 - Norway - Oslo

Today, my boyfriend bought me a silver necklace. I have a silver allergy, but I thanked him anyway and encouraged him to return it. I found out later that he knew about my allergy all along and bought it on purpose so he could return it, get a refund, and still look good. FML

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By Workworkwork - 30/4/2019 12:00

Today, I’m trying to scrape $65 together to get the cheapest glasses possible. My partner is equally upset because she wants a Macbook to replace her working laptop. I’m only looking because I’m getting headaches from how old my current lenses are. FML

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By unluckycounsellor - 30/6/2009 23:26 - Bermuda

Today, I was teaching swimming. A small boy said his stomach hurt, so I placed him on my back and carried him to the main building where he could lay down. He then jumped off my back and ran back towards the beach because 'he felt better'. I had explosive diarrhea all over my back. FML

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By Evjoel - 28/6/2016 10:34 - Bermuda - Hamilton

Today, whilst making a cake for my kids, I accidentally got some cocoa powder in my nose. Now it feels like my nose is burning stronger than the fires of hell. On the bright side, everything smells like chocolate. FML

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By SmokeWeedErdayAllDay - 18/4/2020 17:00

Cheap

Today, I was in the mood for some coffee, which is right down the street. I brought ten dollars with me, not knowing how much I'd need. When I approached the counter, the barista looked at my hand holding the ten-dollar bill and said, "Oh, our cheap things are on the left side of the menu." FML

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By unluckymiss - 24/1/2010 06:03 - United States

Today, I was at the store when I ran into an old friend from high school. He didn't recognize me at first, but when I told him who I was, he instantly shouted "Oh! Yeah! The fat chick from Mr. H's class!" FML

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By 092492 - 5/3/2011 21:53 - United States

Today, I was finally able to get up and take a shit after being bedridden due to my knee surgery. I had diarrhea and because I can't properly bend my knee, I can't wipe my butt. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2011 05:50

Today, my Dad gave me the dreaded sex talk, but he got sidetracked and started talking about how good my mum was in bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2017 03:30 - India - Vijayawada

Today, it's my roommate's birthday. His friends were planning on a surprise birthday cake at midnight last night, and one of them told me about it, hoping to split the expense between us, which I was totally cool with. But I fell asleep before midnight and they didn't even bother to wake me up. FML

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By jojo - 6/5/2009 19:11 - United States

Today, while driving home I had to pee really bad. I decided to speed to get home quicker. I got pulled over for speeding and peed my pants. The cop, assuming I was drunk, made me take a sobriety test. I had to walk a straight line with piss all over my pants at 2:00 in the afternoon. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2012 12:37 - United States - Costa Mesa

Today, while my mother was driving me to school, her coffee started to spill. So like a normal parent, she held it over my lap. FML

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By kal - 28/2/2012 21:03 - United States

Today, in bio class, we were studying the reproductive system. I don't like talking about this stuff, and I twitched every time my teacher said "penis" or "vagina." When I told my family, they laughed and kept repeating those words just to see me twitch. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2017 13:00 - United States

Today, during the birth of my first child, my epidural didn't work. FML

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By Lauren - 9/8/2011 13:48 - Australia

Today, my husband declined a $100k/year job due to him thinking that a full time job at one work place would be too 'depressing'. I'm a nurse and have to wipe other people's arses for a living, then come home to this lazy dick. FML

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By Missa - 4/7/2009 03:04 - Canada

Today, one of our store's beach balls came out of nowhere and whacked me in the back of my head. I started reaming out two young girls for playing in the store, even when they said it wasn't them. Soon after, one of my employees admitted that it was her. I made some 7 year olds cry and it wasn't them. FML

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By Sharkie49 - 26/3/2012 22:33 - United States - Oceanside

Today, I paid top dollar for an Italian soda that ended up consisting almost entirely of ice. When I complained, the girl insisted that the soda water stopped the ice from melting. She said she didn't see what the problem was, and threatened to have me thrown out if I didn't "simmer down." FML

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By Leyla - 14/7/2012 07:09 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. We were under the covers, and my little brother thought we were wrestling, so he got on top of the covers and started "wrestling" with us. FML

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By strugglingartist - 26/1/2013 06:14 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I came home to find two letters from a publishing house that I'd submitted my manuscript to. The first was congratulatory, stating that my book had been accepted for publishing. The second was apologetic, stating that the first letter had been intended for someone else. FML

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By facepalmshroomer - 7/2/2009 23:24 - United States

Today, I tried hallucinogenic mushrooms for the first time with my friend. Little did I know, they last for around 6 hours, and I had class at 3, when I had to give a presentation in front of 30 people. FML

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By Kristache - 2/7/2009 08:31 - Canada

Today, at the restaurant I work at, I gave a man back his change and told him to enjoy the sunny day. He replied by dramatically saying that the sun was his mortal enemy. Thinking he was joking, I asked him if he was a vampire. Turns out he has skin cancer. FML

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By GOLLUM! - 18/5/2017 00:00

Today, after being without my car keys for two days, I finally got a locksmith to unlock my car on the off chance I'd left my keys in there. $170 later, the car was open, but I didn't find my keys. Frustrated, I threw the paperwork in the garbage... where I spotted my keys. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2010 18:18 - United States

Today, I went to my parents' for the first time in months. Upon my arrival, I found out that I won't be spending the day with them because they've taken a car trip to attend a Sarah Palin book signing. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2012 17:33 - Australia

Today, I was planning on enjoying my one day off work from the hospital, at home. I got a call saying I had to come in because my department was short-handed. I went in to find almost everyone there. Turns out it was a prank by my coworkers. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2013 11:50 - United States

Today, I locked my keys in my car. After looking for the spare key for hours, we called our insurance company, who then sent a "locksmith" with a wedge and a bar to open my car. All he did was break the driver and passenger doorhandles. My stuff is still inside. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2009 05:44 - Australia

Today, I was driving my child to school when the car let out a huge bang. It shuddered to a halt. My son started laughing. I asked him what was funny but he wouldn't tell me. The car wouldn't start. I called RACV and they told me the problem. My son had rolled 9 golf balls into the exhaust pipe. FML

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Top comments

By thee_most_dope | 30

#5967446 - Saturday 7 June 2014 5:12

totally saw that one coming lol

By PiinkVanilla | 15

#5967452 - Saturday 7 June 2014 5:13

Never trust you from the night before.

COMMENTS

By thee_most_dope | 30

#5967446 - Saturday 7 June 2014 5:12

totally saw that one coming lol

Brandi_Faith | 33

#5967582 - Saturday 7 June 2014 6:40

I totally thought it was going to be pee from the middle of the night.

hazardoussmiles9 | 22

#5967640 - Saturday 7 June 2014 8:15

I thought it would be vomit

Garrett2818 | 21

#5967701 - Saturday 7 June 2014 10:49

Best way to cure a hangover hahah jk

Arthurie | 30

#5967842 - Saturday 7 June 2014 15:08

43 - In the wise words of Cleveland from Family Guy, "Oh, that's nasty."

thisguy22 | 33

#5968577 - Sunday 8 June 2014 6:19

I assumed it would be an ashtray cup/can. Something he put a cigarette, or three, out in the night before.

By Draxanoth | 15

#5967447 - Saturday 7 June 2014 5:12

And it begins...

laden_swallow09 | 34

#5967598 - Saturday 7 June 2014 7:02

What? What begins? Sounds more like it already ended.

Demig0d6 | 14

#5967605 - Saturday 7 June 2014 7:09

Hangover part 3

emily4040 | 18

#5967835 - Saturday 7 June 2014 14:49

What?

By PiinkVanilla | 15

#5967452 - Saturday 7 June 2014 5:13

Never trust you from the night before.

ladyLALAA | 28

#5969651 - Monday 9 June 2014 10:52

Maybe it was a present from your last night's self? Mix that with some Powerade and you're good to go!

By ghostsoul21 | 12

#5967456 - Saturday 7 June 2014 5:14

Couldn't you smell the difference though.. How does that even happen..

Miss_Whipped | 42

#5967482 - Saturday 7 June 2014 5:20

OP might just have been in desperation for a drink as soon as he woke up. We don't always think clearly right as we break out of unconsciousness.

badluckalex | 23

#5967525 - Saturday 7 June 2014 5:41

@5- I would still check the cup at least! Although, I have heard that taking a shot the morning after a nght of drinking helps with a hangover.

yoshiyakiryu | 20

#5967822 - Saturday 7 June 2014 14:39

I've done it before too, I don't typically get hungover but when I do I tend to not be able to register certain things, e.g. smells.

By spignona84 | 11

#5967484 - Saturday 7 June 2014 5:21

Be thankful it wasn't chew spit

doggiewoggie | 13

#5967528 - Saturday 7 June 2014 5:42

Or piss.

AnOriginalName | 19

#5967532 - Saturday 7 June 2014 5:44

Or semen in beer.

91hayek | 31

#5967584 - Saturday 7 June 2014 6:41

Or chew spit, semen and piss in a beer.

By ironichalibut | 24

#5967485 - Saturday 7 June 2014 5:21

Starting the day the right way

CVTTRVN | 19

#5967673 - Saturday 7 June 2014 9:41

Party never ends...

zandalee | 19

#5967734 - Saturday 7 June 2014 12:00

Hair of the dog!! Perfect!

By tpm45 | 25

#5967488 - Saturday 7 June 2014 5:23

And this is why you don't get so drunk that you end up like that. You're lucky that it was at least drinkable, OP.

xNephilim | 18

#5967612 - Saturday 7 June 2014 7:18

Eh I wouldn't necessarily say that. I've been drunk plenty of times and woke up without a hangover. Then I drank something different once and didn't even get past a buzz but I was puking the next morning.