The faith of acceptance

By Lesbo88 - 28/03/2022 16:00

Today, I sadly had to tell my fiancé of 3 years that I realized I’m a lesbian and not really attracted to men, and therefore I called off the wedding. He decided to retaliate and out me to my very Christian parents, who are unhappy campers right now. “Unhappy” is an understatement. FML
I agree, your life sucks 796
You deserved it 1 162

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I don’t know why a swarm of dickweeds are voting YDI. No one deserves to be outed, let alone to people who are both bigoted and can cause harm to the outed person. I mean, yeah, it sucks for the guy who got dumped, but this is probably something OP has struggled with for years and fortunately came to terms with it before the wedding.

Simple: she lied to him for at least 3 years, wasting his time and money leading him on. It's not about it being okay for him to out her - it isn't okay. It's about it NOT being okay to lie to someone for years in an intimate relationship that is at its core dishonest and empty. It means that all his time, effort and money over the 3 years of engagement, dating beyond that, and the wedding preparations are all thrown out the window because she had lied to him, and they're likely the best years for him to find a suitable partner. Now he's 4-5 years older and with baggage of being dumped for a woman, and those years never come back. Leading someone on, whether in a heterosexual relationship or not is really a shitty thing to do.

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I don’t know why a swarm of dickweeds are voting YDI. No one deserves to be outed, let alone to people who are both bigoted and can cause harm to the outed person. I mean, yeah, it sucks for the guy who got dumped, but this is probably something OP has struggled with for years and fortunately came to terms with it before the wedding.

Agreed - the YDI ratio here is weird, even on your comment. People are dicks. All those people saying YDI, would you rather she have gone through the wedding and lived a lie for the sake of her fiancé’s feelings? He’s a massive asshole for outing her, and she dodged a fucking bullet because obviously this guy is viciously fucking cruel. I have no doubt his cruelty would’ve shown up in other ways in the marriage. I’m sorry you’re going through this, OP, and I hope you can reconcile with your family. And if not, that you find a chosen family who accepts you for who you are and gives you the love and support you deserve! ❤️

The "you deserved it" ratio here is that he's her fiancé of 3 years, plus whatever they were before. She wasted 3 years of his life, minimum, lying about it. And I expect that when the wedding was off, people wanted explanations and he wasn't up for lying for her after that. Is it a dick move to out her to her parents? Absolutely. Is it a dick move to lie to someone who loves you for years, and waste some of the best years of their life? Also true. It's not about condoning his actions but about condemning her for lying for years in an intimate relationship like that.

How do you know she "lied" about it? Lying about it suggests that she intended to do so. She could have very well been unsure about her sexuality until that point.

If she's actually lesbian and not bi - she's not sexually attracted to him, and never has been. Or you're arguing sexual orientation can change, which is generally discredited, especially as an adult. Maybe she thought "he's good enough" but she certainly wasn't attracted to him. I'd be upset if my fiancée of 3 years told me she was never attracted to me, even if she went on to date another man. Strictly speaking it's better than the times when they say something after 10-15 years of marriage, but it's still dishonest.

no one deserves to be dragged along on someone else's path of discovery either. the guy was engaged to his SO of 3 YEARS and she drops this shit on him out of the blue? nah fam. besides the time and effort the dude almost certainly put into the relationship, what about her parents? engagements cost money, as does wedding planning and all those assorted costs. who do you think is on the hook for a lot of that? not to mention their lost time and effort. all around shit situation caused exclusively by OP and their inability to find solutions besides "i expressed myself and am now dealing with the consequences"

Lordgimp you sound a lot like my friends abusive ex-partner (no my friend is not op). Believe it or not, finally realizing your sexuality has nothing to do with the other person, he’s lucky they didn’t get married and have kids before she found out, that would’ve only made it messier. This information is very sensitive and while he has a right to be hurt/heart broken from losing a partner, he has no right to share that information before she is ready

It's also not his responsibility to lie to his or her parents about why the relationship ended.

I agree with the other post - the YDI ratio here is weird, even on the comment calling it out. Can someone who voted YDI explain your rationale? Would you guys rather she have gone through the wedding and lived a lie for the sake of her fiancé’s feelings? He’s a massive asshole for outing her, and she dodged a fucking bullet because obviously this guy is viciously fucking cruel. I have no doubt his cruelty would’ve shown up in other ways in the marriage. I’m sorry you’re going through this, OP, and I hope you can reconcile with your family. And if not, that you find a chosen family who accepts you for who you are and gives you the love and support you deserve!

Simple: she lied to him for at least 3 years, wasting his time and money leading him on. It's not about it being okay for him to out her - it isn't okay. It's about it NOT being okay to lie to someone for years in an intimate relationship that is at its core dishonest and empty. It means that all his time, effort and money over the 3 years of engagement, dating beyond that, and the wedding preparations are all thrown out the window because she had lied to him, and they're likely the best years for him to find a suitable partner. Now he's 4-5 years older and with baggage of being dumped for a woman, and those years never come back. Leading someone on, whether in a heterosexual relationship or not is really a shitty thing to do.

I doubt she knew she was a lesbian all that time, or she would have left the relationship sooner. I was married nearly 10 years (and in that relationship 5 years longer) before I realised I was a lesbian and needed to break it off. It's hard, it's not fun for anyone, but it has nothing to do with lying.

It seems like you were lying to your husband for 15 years, implying that you found him attractive, and I'm sure that had massive negative consequences to him, as divorce generally does. You would be saying that you were never attracted to him, even if it was "he's at least okay, for now." It sounds like you may have been inadvertently lying to yourself as well, but that self-deception means that your ex was also significantly affected by your decisions.

you did the right thing, and dodged a massive bullet. sounds like the dickweed just wanted a wife any wife and didn't really care if it was you specifically. hopefully your parents come to terms with it. but if not, the best part of being an adult is you get to choose your own family. best of luck baby girl!

YDI for leading the guy on a wild goose chase for 3 years. are you serious? and your fiance no less. engagements don't just "happen". people sunk real money and effort into this relationship just for you to throw it away? your parents have as much right to know about you blowing up relationships as your former fiance did. they might have chosen to invest elsewhere if they had known. choosing for yourself does not mean choosing only yourself.

She doesnt owe him a happy ever after, no matter how long they were together.

That's an awful thing for him to do, no matter how upset he was. You can't help being who you are, or help that it took you some time to realise how you feel - I had a similar realisation about 6 months ago, which led me to split with my husband after nearly 10 years of marriage (and we were together 5 years before that). Better that you figured things out and broke it off now, rather than sinking another decade into it and adding a legally binding arrangement to the mix.

I understand people who voted YDI thought you were leading him on, but if you truly had no idea you were a lesbian and then had that realization, that isn't your fault. sometimes we just don't know until it is too late. on the other hand, if you were ever doubtful about your sexuality, it's only fair to share your doubts as they happen, rather than dump it on your fiance out of nowhere. we need to normalize openness and communication in relationships. you didn't deserve to be outed in that way OP, but the situation could have been handled better, imo. best of luck.

You should’ve told them yourself when you told your fiancé. Your parents were going to be mad either way. And they would’ve been even more angry the longer you put it off. You’re an adult the backlash received from coming out as an adult is not as paramount as when you’re a teen living with your parents.