Thanks, mom - FML

Thanks, mom

By Anonymous - 24/10/2020 11:03 - United States - Kenton

Today, my mom saw me holding a plant and told me to walk around with it, to replace all of the oxygen I waste. FML

I agree, your life sucks 852

You deserved it 189

Batman

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Now you know

By cat - 07/08/2019 18:00

Today, I thought I was seeing double. My neighbours got a new dog, which is exactly the same as the other one, except that it hates me twice as much. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 481

You deserved it 109

By Evjoel - 28/06/2016 10:34 - Bermuda - Hamilton

Today, whilst making a cake for my kids, I accidentally got some cocoa powder in my nose. Now it feels like my nose is burning stronger than the fires of hell. On the bright side, everything smells like chocolate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 595

You deserved it 1 082

By breakfast tea - 07/04/2012 19:30 - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, I was escorted out of the building for getting in a scuffle at my anger management class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 696

You deserved it 28 504

By Taraa3 - 10/10/2009 10:19 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend came to wake me up with some flowers and breakfast in bed. We started getting intimate, after a short while, there was a knock. We looked out of the window and there was the window cleaner with his thumbs up and grinning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 118

You deserved it 5 021

By Dutchee - 23/01/2012 11:27 - Netherlands

Today, I realized the universal beauty that can be found in a pancake. I'm not sure if I have reached spiritual enlightenment, or if I should have my head examined. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 803

You deserved it 7 371

By lonelyheart4ever - 13/08/2016 01:58 - United States - Norman Park

Today, a man finally was flirting with me in a supermarket checkout lane, even offering to help unload my groceries onto the conveyor. Turns out he was just distracting everyone so his partner in crime could steal $200 from the cash register. I had to give a witness statement to the manager. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 253

You deserved it 1 442

By Rebecca2135 - 01/10/2018 22:05

Today, I gave a speech at a charity fundraiser. I didn't realize how close I was standing to the fan, which automatically went on. As soon as I said, "this is why you should pledge," my dress flew up. I then learned how quickly phones can take pictures and emails of my underwear can be sent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 488

You deserved it 302

By StillBetterThanTwilight - 28/08/2012 15:56 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, my boyfriend told me that he had once been possessed by demons, and that he now sleeps with a knife under his pillow for protection from, "The dark spirits that are feasting upon his soul." I'm not sure that I'll be sleeping over anytime soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 520

You deserved it 2 587

By Anonymous - 07/11/2016 20:13

Today, I went to the store to buy new blankets and a comforter. A cute guy started chatting with me and asked about the new bedroom decor. I lied and said I just had a major break up and needed new things, instead of admitting I was too lazy to dig out and wash my winter blankets from last year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 812

You deserved it 3 238

By GreatAim - 23/09/2009 05:55 - United States

Today, I was at my friends house for the first time in months. I saw her newest chihuahua dog, Mickey, and he was excited that new people were over. I picked him up and slightly bounced him in the air. Because of the bounce and his excitement, he peed a little bit, straight into my eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 179

You deserved it 34 046

By Anonymous - 18/10/2010 06:36 - United States

Spicy

Today, I told my dad that I had a herpes infection. He said "Good." FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 360

You deserved it 38 120

By Anonymous - 21/07/2011 10:43 - Australia

Today, I was sitting waiting for my train for a long while. When it finally came, I had pins and needles in my foot. When I got up, I fell and unsuccessfully stumbled towards the train. The doors closed and it left without me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 716

You deserved it 4 582

Hi mom!

By jonnie - 07/05/2020 02:00

Today, I learned Google Assistant and Google Home work harmoniously together if I blabber on without ending a command, like when sending a text to my mom about canceling dinner plans because I’m fake sick and going to hook up with this guy, it’ll send every word. My mistake & lesson learned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 473

You deserved it 2 048

By susan - 17/11/2012 22:31 - United States - Naperville

Today, my daughter had a meltdown when I told her I donated some of her old toys to Goodwill. It turns out Toy Story has taught her that toys have feelings and that she has a meaningful relationship with them. She's in her teens. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 850

You deserved it 27 075

By FlyingWhisps - 27/09/2011 23:33 - United States

Today, my grandparents came to visit. So far, they have called me fat, bragged about how my cousin is better than me, and told me how I'm not good enough for them. It's okay, though, they gave me a pretzel from the airline and a textbook on physics. In another language. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 694

You deserved it 2 457

Barf

By Anonymous - 05/10/2021 20:00

Today, I spent all day cleaning the carpets in every room. I own two dogs and a cat, so deodorizing and deep cleaning the carpets is an all-day chore. At 9 p.m., after I was done with the last room, I went out to the living room and saw one of my dogs had been sick all over the place. Had to reclean the carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 897

You deserved it 186

Fundies and the truth

By Kyle - 19/04/2021 20:00 - United States - Westborough

Today, I was told by both my parents that I was going to hell and had a “terrorist mentality” because I said our archdiocese deserves to go bankrupt from all their abuse cases. FML

I agree, your life sucks 870

You deserved it 73

By Anonymous - 22/10/2009 02:58 - United States

Today, my cat managed to lock my dad and me outside of our house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 733

You deserved it 6 933

By Anonymous - 26/01/2012 11:53 - United States

Today, at school, I was crying because someone I knew had died. My teacher pulled me aside and said, "I understand you're socially awkward, but don't worry it gets better." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 370

You deserved it 2 981

By moosemay - 19/01/2016 17:03 - Germany - Dittelbrunn

Today, I took my two-year-old daughter to the dentist for her first check-up. We were at the front desk when she tripped, fell and chipped her front tooth on the marble floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 160

You deserved it 1 501

By wellfuck - 15/07/2016 23:04 - United States - Clarksville

Today, I got a call from a job I had applied for. Everything went great until I realized I had applied to the wrong location, across town. I'm so broke, I went to the interview anyway. It will cost me more to pay for the gas to drive there to work, than what I will actually make. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 980

You deserved it 2 219

By Anonymous - 07/11/2014 23:59 - Canada - Halifax

Spicy

Today, I finally found out why my husband is always so eager and happy to buy me whatever I am craving during my pregnancy. It's because it gives him an excuse to meet up with his mistress and have a quickie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 591

You deserved it 4 034

Blankity Blank

By Anonymous - 17/01/2013 17:15 - United States - Savage

Today, I finally got to conduct my first questioning of a suspect, who had been arrested in connection with a car theft. As I recited the Miranda warning to him, my mind went totally blank, and after a few seconds, he sarcastically continued the speech for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 476

You deserved it 16 274

By wookieewhosshe - 22/07/2019 06:43

Today, I was informed that my flatmate had not handed his documents in to the new landlord like he'd told me. We are due to move to a new area tomorrow for the new job that I start in 4 days. Now we can't move for another week. Anyone have a spare couch? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 500

You deserved it 131

By furryballoon - 22/11/2011 04:46 - United States

Today, I had a dream that I was trying to pop a balloon. Nothing I did was working, so I put it between my knees and tried to pop it that way. Immediately, I woke up to the sound of frantic hissing and meowing. As it turns out, I was trying to pop the cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 502

You deserved it 6 843

By DaycareMama92 - 28/04/2017 16:00

Today, I fractured a bone in my foot by dropping a shampoo bottle on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 220

You deserved it 400

By mwja - 26/02/2011 22:59 - France

Today, thanks to a particularly spicy bowl of noodles, my nose decided it would rather be a fountain. A fountain of blood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 470

You deserved it 3 929

By sheyshey0413 - 13/06/2011 17:05 - United States

Spicy

Today, I realized that my boyfriend will only have sex with me if I am on my stomach and not revealing my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 920

You deserved it 6 920

By Anonymous - 28/03/2015 15:50 - United Kingdom - Horsham

Today, I had my first therapy session for the issues caused by trying to please my overbearing, paranoid, self-centred mother. The first thing she did after we started driving home? Ranting at me and demanding to know if I'd been "talking shit" about her to my therapist FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 712

You deserved it 2 306

By someonepleasehelpme - 18/07/2014 16:49 - United States - Centreville

Today, I ran into my boyfriend of 5 years. The weird thing was that he was supposed to be in Iran. The even weirder thing was that he was with his wife and kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 714

You deserved it 5 893

By Brea - 01/02/2011 18:50 - United States

Today, I wanted to annoy my sister by playing the air horn app on my iPhone. I forgot that I had headphones in. Let's just say I quickly had to change my underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 841

You deserved it 68 494

By Tally - 24/09/2009 16:16 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I got flowers at work. I was excited until I saw they were from my good friend saying, "Sorry for sleeping with your boyfriend!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 685

You deserved it 2 849

By Eloy Ymer - 22/08/2010 23:51 - Netherlands

Today, I found out I sleepwalk. How you might ask? By awakening the moment just before I fell from the stairs. I was better off sleeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 052

You deserved it 2 553

No soup for you

By Anonymous - 30/09/2021 19:01 - United States - Janesville

Today, I filled a bag full of Beer Cheese soup. Set it on the passenger seat to take home. Got home to realize the bag was leaking. The passenger seat and floor are covered in soup. My car is new. FML

I agree, your life sucks 336

You deserved it 1 114

What is the real feeling?

By Anonymous - 06/11/2019 05:15

Today, my friends and I were acting out porn scenes without sex. Then, I realized that we all watch too much porn, and we are still all virgins. FML

I agree, your life sucks 831

You deserved it 2 334

By varunet2004 - 11/06/2015 19:50 - India

Today, I confronted my boss for his inadequate contribution in our work. He accepted his inadequacy and apologized for not doing enough. He now expects me to work on everything singlehandedly since he has already clarified his inadequacy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 459

You deserved it 4 515

By eggman 583 - 13/09/2016 21:12 - United States - Massapequa

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I was, "trying to change her." A week ago I asked her to stop talking to the 6 guys that have all previously asked her for nudes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 495

You deserved it 1 163

By Anonymous - 13/10/2009 16:00 - United States

Today, I finished moving to my new apartment that is 45 minutes away from my old one because my workplace would be closer. I then get a phone call from my boss telling me that he will transfer me to another workplace (closer to my old apartment). FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 773

You deserved it 2 394

Slip of the tongue

By Anonymous - 22/05/2020 23:00

Today, a few army recruiters came to my school to discuss their jobs with us. When asked to say our name and what we wanted to do when we were older, I said I wanted to be a prosecutor. Everyone started laughing. Turns out everyone thought I said prostitute, including the recruiters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 450

You deserved it 169

By soontobehobo - 08/09/2014 02:31 - United States - Mankato

Today, I was checking my schedule online and noticed that I wasn't scheduled for any shifts next week. Not thinking it was a big deal, I called HR to get it corrected, only to find out I was laid off and they "forgot" to tell me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 776

You deserved it 2 575

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Saturday 24 October 2020 20:17

Daaaang. Your moms a savage.

RichardPencil 30

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Saturday 24 October 2020 17:47

She's so stupid. You'd need to carry around a few trees before you could come close to offsetting the oxygen you waste.

Comments

RichardPencil 30

Send a private message

Saturday 24 October 2020 17:47

She's so stupid. You'd need to carry around a few trees before you could come close to offsetting the oxygen you waste.

Send a private message

Saturday 24 October 2020 20:17

Daaaang. Your moms a savage.

Send a private message

Saturday 24 October 2020 21:35

Well we are all contributing to global warming. We are all wasting oxygen. Very few of us contribute to the world in a meaningful way so tell your mom that she needs to go plant a few trees. And BTW way there is no way we are able to make up for the water we use.

RichardPencil 30

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Saturday 24 October 2020 22:43

We are not net consumers of water. What's running low is fresh water. It's a matter of the extra energy required to make water safe to use.

Send a private message

Sunday 25 October 2020 8:18

Dad jokes are bad (in a good way) but mom jokes are savage.

coius 23

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Sunday 25 October 2020 16:39

Tell her she needs to keep her legs closed if she produces nothing but nitwits. Take her down with you!

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 28

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41

You deserved it 22

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out my husband has to take Viagra to get it up with me. He never needed it with his ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 635

You deserved it 192

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 863

You deserved it 260