By Anonymous - 22/4/2020 17:00

Social distancing done right

Today, my girlfriend of two and half years broke up with me because I'm no longer able to give her the physical attention she needs. I live 4 hours away and we have been this way for almost a year. She found another guy to do it behind my back. FML

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1782

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239

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Caught red-handed

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Vultures

By Waste Someone Else's Time - 28/6/2015 05:06 - United States

Today, I decided to break up with my boyfriend. The main reason being that he doesn't value my time, and fails to see how canceling at the last minute is rude and a major inconvenience. I wanted to be respectful enough by breaking things off face to face. He cancelled, at the last minute. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28680

You deserved it

2566

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By itendstonight - 9/8/2009 12:42 - Ireland

Today, it was my turn to have the trophy my baseball team won a few weeks ago. I then find out that my brother and his buddies thought it would be funny to fill the trophy up with beer, drink the beer, and then pee in it. Not only is it over 50yrs old, it stinks of pee and is due back tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42878

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4356

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By BC94 - 16/7/2012 04:21 - United States - Mcminnville

Today, I went to a movie with this guy. He was late so the only seats available were the ones in the very front which he refused to sit in. As we were looking for two seats, he spotted one near the back and sat down, leaving me to sit by myself in the front. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36403

You deserved it

2815

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By kittynapper - 17/7/2014 23:32 - United States - Denver

Today, I found out that my cat, that I've had for 3 years, is actually my neighbor's missing cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53395

You deserved it

6844

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By EyesOffMe - 7/9/2009 04:04 - Canada

Today, I was getting changed in front of my room mate of two years. Feeling comfortable, I took off all my clothes and started putting new clothes on. I asked why she wasn't taking her eyes off my naked body. She said "I'm loving the view. Didn't you know I'm a lesbian?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

23920

You deserved it

58752

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By CBM2012 - 7/2/2009 04:58 - United States

Today, My roommate texted me and warned me to be careful on the stairs leading to our place because they were icy. I got the message. After I fell down an entire flight of stone stairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29410

You deserved it

3604

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By fmlsrslyahhh - 6/9/2011 19:40 - Singapore

Today, I picked up a lady's dropped wallet and chased after her despite my sprained ankle. When I finally caught up with her, she smashed her chili sauce filled hotdog across my face and kicked me in the groin, accusing me of stealing her wallet. I was kept at the police station for 3 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39386

You deserved it

2777

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By regretter - 1/3/2011 01:07

Today, I paid €100 to have a tube shoved down my genitals. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33828

You deserved it

7726

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2013 06:15 - United States - San Diego

Today, while I was working, someone came in and attempted to purchase GTA 5 with a medical marijuana card. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42950

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3422

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By sadlysingle - 21/2/2014 08:04 - United States - Rockwall

Today, I received a response to my perfectly straightforward online dating profile: "How about changing a dirty diaper, mommy?" FML

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42510

You deserved it

5939

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By JTBastry - 30/4/2018 19:00

Today, after graduating from culinary school, I was turned down by Chipotle, Jersey Mike's, and McDonald's entry-level jobs because I didn't have enough experience. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3978

You deserved it

371

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2018 03:00

Today, after years of telling my boyfriend I don't do anal, I agreed to try it once just to get him to stop whining about it. He was so gung-ho that he tried to force it in without doing enough "relaxing preparation" and he split the muscle around my ring. Now I need surgery. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5818

You deserved it

851

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By WTF - 15/10/2015 04:43 - United States - Bloomington

Today, I was dumped by my girlfriend because she wanted to be with a man who has an income and a stable career. We are seniors in college and I accepted a really good job offer which I start once I graduate, which she knows about. She dumped me for a drug dealer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30839

You deserved it

2149

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By brinn - 16/9/2011 05:15 - United States

Today, I told my husband that I wanted him to stay sober during the week. He responded by saying he wanted me to be a supermodel during the week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29800

You deserved it

9721

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By Tyler - 25/8/2013 04:30 - United States

Today, I went to the mall with my girlfriend to buy some new clothes, and I turned around to give her a quick kiss. My lips were half-way to "her" face when I saw instead the face of another lady. She slapped me. My girlfriend was standing next to me, very pissed off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46087

You deserved it

9616

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By potatohead - 1/11/2017 18:00

Today, I had a nasty headache so I tried to take a nap. Unfortunately, my college had a homecoming parade a block away from where I live. I never knew our marching band sounded that awful. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3314

You deserved it

270

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2012 07:56 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, after I requested a sick day, a very close co-worker texted her boyfriend that I'm a bitch for pretending to have the same rare illness that she recently suffered. She said it was unlikely, disrespectful and unfair that I didn't even look sick. I know this because she texted me instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27112

You deserved it

2784

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By Ladycakes - 4/6/2012 10:13 - United States - Altamonte Springs

Today, while in bed, I tried to explain how overworked and unappreciated I feel doing all the housework to my fiancé. It was only when I'd finished my long rant that I realized he had been asleep almost the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23716

You deserved it

6875

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By frustrated - 17/5/2014 10:11 - United States - Forest Park

Today, I called the cops on a couple who was fighting outside my window at 4am. They hid in the bushes when the cops came, came back out when they left, and started fighting again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48231

You deserved it

4741

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By damn - 9/4/2014 21:12 - United States - Kenton

Today, I witnessed my roommate telling a girl that he has "really healthy shits". I wanted to make fun of him, but he got laid by said girl and I went home to jerk off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49297

You deserved it

7961

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By knockedup - 13/2/2011 10:00 - Australia

Today, I had to say a deep sincere speech on assembly in front of the whole college on the recent floods in Queensland. Instead of saying "We are Queenslanders, when we get knocked down, we get back up" I stumbled and said "We are Queenslanders, when we get knocked up..." FML

I agree, your life sucks

28539

You deserved it

5456

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By sorethumb - 15/12/2015 23:39 - United Kingdom - Bookham

Today, while observing a surgery, I was asked to open a glass ampule of adrenaline. Not only did I break it and get it everywhere, I sliced open my thumb bad enough to need stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19406

You deserved it

3342

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By dangit - 1/3/2010 05:01 - United States

Today, I was wearing my favorite silk sweater, one I actually paid full price for. I sat down in my desk chair to work, and when I tried to get up I felt a strange pull. A corner of my sweater is still stuck in the screw at the back of the chair, the rest is in the trash. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23291

You deserved it

3561

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By joeshmoe - 15/1/2012 12:52 - United States

Today, my girlfriend hummed the Jeopardy theme while I was trying to undo her bra. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34193

You deserved it

25667

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By flowerging - 11/4/2013 04:53 - United States - Stony Brook

Today, I offered to pay my boyfriend to buy me flowers. He still refused. FML

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44363

You deserved it

16207

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By AnonymousAndSad - 24/4/2014 23:42 - United States - Waukon

Today, after an entire year spent in physical therapy recovering from three knee surgeries, I finally returned to doing light agility exercises and running on a treadmill. When I told my therapist I had never been so happy and proud, he responded with, "This usually only takes 5 months, pussy." FML

I agree, your life sucks

47608

You deserved it

7744

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By Pontiacman92 - 29/8/2013 07:07 - United States - Pueblo

Today, I found out that the very good-looking woman who sings for one of my favorite bands is actually a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37973

You deserved it

8952

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By muskogee - 20/9/2019 16:00

Prince Charming

Today, my boyfriend wouldn’t stop smacking and slurping his food. I told him to at least chew with his mouth closed. He looked me dead in the eye, with a mouth full of chewed up pizza, and said, “No.” FML

I agree, your life sucks

1233

You deserved it

297

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By FennFoxx - 21/3/2017 07:00 - United States - Cheraw

Today, I decided to take a relaxing bubble bath in my jacuzzi. I poured in the bubbles, turned on the jets, and got in. I realized too late that the jets had caused the bubbles to overflow and had made a huge mess in my bathroom. Relaxing, indeed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2984

You deserved it

1750

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By PhantomShitter - 29/11/2019 20:00 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Was it me?

Today, I read on Facebook that someone shat outside our block of flats. I laughed and showed it to my friend who was with me. She turned to me, and said, "That was you, we were locked outside last night and you needed to pee, but a poo slipped out." FML

I agree, your life sucks

690

You deserved it

2037

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By Anon - 23/7/2015 11:53 - United States - Sacramento

Today, I spent $70 on party supplies for my sister's bachelorette party, another hour decorating, three hours baking and designing a cake, before waiting five hours to hear that she and another bridesmaid had 'moved' the party elsewhere. Cake anyone? FML

I agree, your life sucks

31392

You deserved it

1903

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2013 01:33 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I discovered that my downstairs neighbor is running a business out of her apartment. Or I should say, her pimp is. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31852

You deserved it

2525

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By Distracted - 13/8/2009 12:18 - United States

Today, it was my first day at a new school. I pulled into the parking lot and saw this really cute guy. I was checking him out in my rear view mirror. When I looked ahead, there was something in the road, so I swirved real hard and took down an entire wooden fence. That something was a plastic bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10718

You deserved it

53062

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By Beardedlady - 27/9/2018 23:00 - United States - Madison

Today, my mom told me that I need to shave my beard because it's getting too long. This wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that I'm a woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2517

You deserved it

375

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By thanksbro - 28/9/2009 00:10 - United States

Today, I came home from school and ran to the nearest bathroom to go #2. In my hurry, I forgot to shut the door so I asked my older brother who was walking by to close it for me. After a while he didn't respond, so I looked up to see not my brother, but his best friend watching me take a crap. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32719

You deserved it

20492

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By NewBride - 14/8/2013 17:39 - United States - Lincoln

Today, was my wedding day. We had a beautiful outdoor wedding and everything was going perfectly as planned. That is, until a bird flew over us and left a present right between my boobs. I had to stand at the altar for 30 minutes as bird poop melted in my cleavage. FML

I agree, your life sucks

60675

You deserved it

5527

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2009 16:18 - United States

Today, I had a job interview with a person named Chris. The entire time I couldn't figure out if Chris was a man or woman. The interview went as good as it could have went. At the end I said, "Thank you very much sir." Wrong gender. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45309

You deserved it

18873

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By - 15/1/2017 08:00

Today, after getting home from shopping, I noticed a security tag was still on one of the shirts I bought. I decided to take it back and ask them to remove the tag. They then accused me of trying to steal (even after I showed them the receipt) and kicked me out of the store. FML

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8003

You deserved it

547

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By msassy - 19/5/2012 02:46 - United States - Lexington

Today, the "My body is beautiful" t-shirt that my therapist gave me didn't fit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31321

You deserved it

6792

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By Username - 27/1/2010 08:35 - France

Today, I had a 10 hour drive to Las Vegas with only 2 CDs, Taylor Swift and Jason Mraz, and my girlfriend who thinks she's a good singer. FML

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41717

You deserved it

8932

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Top comments

By Susan Yee | 9

#7899927 - Wednesday 22 April 2020 21:43

Long distance relationship is hard.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7899960 - Thursday 23 April 2020 1:10

Evidently, not as hard as the local guy.

Comments

By bloopaloop | 27

#7899866 - Wednesday 22 April 2020 17:06

She is in love. Emotionally. With dick. Guess what? There’s a girl in your area that is too.

By Susan Yee | 9

#7899927 - Wednesday 22 April 2020 21:43

Long distance relationship is hard.

RichardPencil | 28

#7899960 - Thursday 23 April 2020 1:10

Evidently, not as hard as the local guy.

By JuliaKay14 | 31

#7899986 - Thursday 23 April 2020 3:51

Long distance is hard. You can’t blame her for wanting physical attention. She’s a jerk for cheating but she’s allowed to leave you because she needs a physical relationship

By Yudith | 20

#7900079 - Thursday 23 April 2020 12:34

If she ever wants to have sex again in this quarantine, she will have to move in with the guy. I wish her good luck. She'll need it.

By jac_1964_au | 23

#7900085 - Thursday 23 April 2020 13:45

If you don’t love her enough to live close there will be someone who does

By FinkiusMaximus | 6

#7900089 - Thursday 23 April 2020 14:10

Behind her back

By ptsdsucks | 18

#7900474 - Friday 24 April 2020 22:01

as a landlord, they would have more than enough info to steal her identity if they wanted to, so not sure on the panic about an online payment. I mean, she's ok with giving her name, DOB, SSN, etc but not her credit card number?