Health, Pregnancy, Weird and Neighbours: Snowflake

Snowflake

By Anonymous - 02/10/2023 00:02

Today, my neighbour reported me for touching his wife’s vagina while she was asleep. She wasn’t asleep, she'd passed out giving birth and I had to help get the baby out because the ambulance was late, and her husband was busy vomiting from how slimy and smelly it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 622

You deserved it 77

Health Pregnancy Weird Neighbours

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Same thing different taste

Not now!

By Ineedit - 26/02/2010 17:46 - United States

Today, my husband and I were going to have sex for the first time since having our baby, who was taking a nap. As soon as we lay down in bed, his mother rang saying she was five minutes away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 084

You deserved it 2 566

By Anonymous - 03/08/2012 22:50 - Mexico - Villahermosa

Today, I had the crap beaten out of me by a woman in the street, who accused me of sleeping with her husband. I still don't know who she or her husband are, and I'm still a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 027

You deserved it 1 948

Welcome to the world!

By Anonymous - 01/04/2020 08:00 - United Kingdom - Aldershot

Today, I helped deliver the baby belonging to the woman my husband left me for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 510

You deserved it 155

By Anonymous - 01/11/2010 17:30 - United States

Today, I drove to the hospital to see my newborn. I went to the room, picked him out of the crate and held him. Then I heard the toilet flush and saw a woman who I didn't know come out. She screamed. My wife was in the room next door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 467

You deserved it 10 349

Jogging is dangerous

By jumpedjogger - 14/09/2011 08:34 - United States

Today, I was jogging in the neighborhood. My new neighbor who lives three houses down clotheslines me and shouts, "You're the reason my wife won't have sex with me!" He then kicked me in the stomach and walked inside. Now I'm scared to leave my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 581

You deserved it 3 759

The bed is lava

By for better or for farts - 06/08/2020 23:01

Today, my very pregnant wife woke up in bed, grabbing her stomach and writhing in pain. Worried that the baby might be in distress, I asked her what was wrong. She gasped then let out what can only be described as a river of hot liquid shit all over herself and my legs. We both cried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 379

You deserved it 198

Territorial

By Anonymous - 27/09/2011 19:53 - United States

Today, a man punched me for sleeping with his wife. Bewildered, I insisted I would never sleep with a married woman, to which he retorted, "She wasn't my wife when it HAPPENED, dumbass!" I was assaulted for sleeping with my own girlfriend three years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 287

You deserved it 4 099

By Anonymous - 22/11/2014 15:34 - United States - Waterville

Today, I had to babysit both my neighbor's 3-year-old daughter and my very pregnant cat. I left the room briefly, only to come back to a traumatized 3-year-old crying in horror as my cat gave birth in front of her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 542

You deserved it 4 505

FML: Uncensored

By Anonymous - 15/01/2012 02:00 - United States

Today, while spending the night at a friend's house, I was woken up by someone kicking me. I figured she was having a nightmare, and since we were sharing a bed, I reached over to wake her up. Turns out it was her boyfriend trying to push me off the bed because they were having sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 666

You deserved it 4 405

By soontobewidow - 28/03/2015 09:20 - Turkey - Istanbul

Today, my husband was involved in a horrible series of accidents; he repeatedly slipped and fell into my best friend's vagina. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 436

You deserved it 3 979

Anderling 32

Monday 2 October 2023 0:10

I have no idea what your neighbor is on aside from delusion by the bucketload.

Nikki 16

Monday 2 October 2023 4:04

He’s jealous your the hero of the story, no one will ever take his report seriously

Comments

Anderling 32

Monday 2 October 2023 0:10

I have no idea what your neighbor is on aside from delusion by the bucketload.

juuuliaaa_fml 23

Monday 2 October 2023 3:48

I wanna know what the wife thinks.

Nikki 16

Monday 2 October 2023 4:04

He’s jealous your the hero of the story, no one will ever take his report seriously

RichardPencil 30

Monday 2 October 2023 4:56

I think I'm going to report you, too. For making me vomit and pass out!

L0life29 2

Monday 2 October 2023 21:41

lmao is that what your girlfriend says to you when she sees you naked?!?

RichardPencil 30

Tuesday 3 October 2023 0:48

"Hello, darkness, my old friend..."

Keywords

Parents Kids Bosses Work Snow Friends Sports Accident Painful Geek Technology Embarrassing Awkward Students Music Party Health Mental health Healthy Lifestyle Relatable Love Education Exams AITA Dogs Animals Jealousy Annoying Coffee Scary

The Top

Today, I found out that the double spacing format in an essay refers to the space between each line, not the words. I've been pressing the space bar twice between each word all through high school and halfway through college. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 212

You deserved it 83 337

Today, my wife told me she had stopped taking her anti-depressants a month ago in hopes of increasing her non-existent sex drive. I asked her if it had helped, and was about to suggest she start taking them again for her own wellbeing. She replied with, "Anyway, I'm just not attracted to you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 895

You deserved it 2 546

The Top

Today, when he came back to bed, I asked my flatmate who I've been sleeping since the start of lockdown, whether he had washed his hands after going to pee. He said he barely touched his dick, so he didn't need to. He likes putting his fingers in my mouth when we have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 652

You deserved it 692

Today, I found out that getting drunk and attempting to shit out the second story window is a very bad idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 492

You deserved it 2 898

Today, I was cleaning my car when I hit the automatic window button while I was vacuuming in between the door and the driver's seat, and got stuck halfway out, in full view of my neighbor. He had to come get me out, because I couldn't reach the button. FML

I agree, your life sucks 457

You deserved it 215

Today, I slipped and fell on a piece of plastic. I thought nothing of it until I went to the doctor's and found out that I fractured and dislocated my kneecap. I'm now in a full leg brace and crutches. Prom is five days away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 105

You deserved it 488

Today, after a year and a half of sticking to my new wife’s “no-sex-before marriage” rule while we dated, she brushed me off while I tried to consummate the marriage. Apparently, she’s not ready to have kids yet and “semen will get the sheets dirty.” Guess I’ll be jerking it on my honeymoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 422

You deserved it 684

Today, my mom caught me absentmindedly staring at my puppy's butthole. She'd also been standing there for 5 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 552

You deserved it 1 965