Today, I took my lunch break to buy my mom a pretty orchid. I... - FML

By progressiveboink - 11/5/2009 04:06 - United States

Today, I took my lunch break to buy my mom a pretty orchid. I took it to her apartment (to which I have a key), placed it on her coffee table with her card, and went back to work, pleased with my surprise. She called me later to ask why I got her a stick in a pot of dirt. Her cat ate the orchid. FML

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randomoutburst Say more :

(This is my FML, made an account after the submission...) plethora, orchids run about $20-30 and the cat had eaten ALL of it. Not just the flowers...stem too. So I don't think it's going to grow back. Orchids are delicate. :)

Rock, hard place

The opposite of a good idea

Business savvy

By plzdontclapme - 1/7/2012 23:03

Today, I tripped on the way back from collecting a prize in front of 600 students and their parents. I got more applause than I did when collecting the prize. FML

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By Redbeard - 24/1/2020 05:00

Who taught him

Today, while we had my husband's boss over, my 3-year-old son decided to burst into the living room naked and yell, "Mum, look! Penis!" and wiggle it around. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2015 16:29 - United States - Woodland

Today, my house was robbed while I was at work. The robber left a note telling me my stuff was crappy and that they found my safe under the bed. FML

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By sucker - 6/1/2011 03:55 - Canada

Today, my cheating ex-boyfriend was offered the job we both interviewed for. I helped him with his cover letter before I found out about the affair. I've been unemployed for almost two years. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2016 03:16 - United States - Houston

Today, at my retail job, I tried on one of our hats. My co-worker told me I shouldn't because I could get lice. I laughed it off and told her I didn't believe her. Man, do I believe her now. FML

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By bitch i'm a gerontophile - 29/11/2012 18:08 - Taiwan

Today, while working at my local supermarket, I found a boy lost and wandering about, so I took him to the front desk. My reward from his mother was a slap around the face and harsh words for supposedly having kidnapped him. FML

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By lovelychris - 16/12/2012 19:15 - Brazil - S?o Paulo

Today, my "friends" set me up on a blind date with a guy who according to their description, sounded perfect in just about every way. He turned out to be my obsessive ex, and this is their idea of a funny prank. FML

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By chels - 17/7/2018 19:00

Plebs need not apply.

Today, when my new boyfriend told me he liked playing games, he meant a 60" TV with a professional gaming chair in the middle of his living room, and 48-hour gaming marathons where he totally ignores me, refuses to sleep or shower, and only has energy drinks and cheerios. FML

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By wtfiswronghere - 8/12/2015 18:36 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, my grandmother insisted that Mexicans sacrifice humans every year as part of their Catholic religion. The Swaggart guy on TV said so, and apparently, he can't be wrong, ever. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2020 08:00

Hello everyone!

Today, my boyfriend and I were sexting, and he asked me if I would be naked and waiting for him when he got home. When he told me he was on his way, I took my clothes off and got into bed. What he didn’t tell me was he was bringing friends to pick up a desk from our place for their office. FML

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By kit_kat14 - 19/2/2010 14:27 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my boyfriend joined a group on Facebook called 'Swallow. Or it's going in your eye.' Today I also found out that my boyfriend takes Facebook groups very seriously. FML

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By Username - 2/8/2011 04:43 - Australia

Today, I was in a cinema watching a movie to review in the local paper. Suddenly, the guy behind me leans in and starts whispering and hissing "Do it... Do... It. DO IT" for the rest of the movie. I'm still not sure what he wanted me to do, but he did smell of vomit and had a tea-cosy on his head. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2009 06:38 - United States

Today, I found out that my husband never wanted to marry me, he only did because I wouldn't quit pestering him to propose to me. FML

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By TPelekakis - 8/6/2016 17:01 - United States - Kingsport

Today, I lost the 5 pounds I had gained over the last few weeks. I had vowed to do whatever it took to lose that weight, and I actually did, when I caught a horrible stomach bug. I'd eat my words, but I'm pretty sure I'd just end up throwing them up. FML

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By madari - 21/10/2012 23:11 - Spain - Benalm?dena

Today, my husband and I went to marriage counselling. I confessed something that was bothering me, but he didn't understand. Our counselor repeated word-for-word what I said right back at him. He turned to me angrily and shouted, "Why couldn't you just say that the first time?!" FML

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By ihatespiders - 5/8/2014 12:31 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I asked my 8-year-old daughter to kill a house spider for me. I am a 42-year-old man. FML

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By Noname - 16/1/2009 20:43 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me I smell like vegetables. FML

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By unloved - 14/10/2010 22:10 - Australia

Today, it's my birthday, and the only person that called me was my boss. He wants me to cover his shift tonight. FML

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By Oops - 9/12/2018 14:00

Today, someone broke the flush on the toilet in the only female bathroom in the office, and didn’t leave either a note or out of order sign. The broken flush became very apparent, however, after I was unable to flush the vile smelling deposit I’d left in there. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/5/2009 15:47 - United States

Today, I got my belly button pierced. The guy put a small dot with a sharpie right above the center of my belly button so he knew exactly where to pierce. I also have a small freckle noticeably to the left of center of my belly button. Guess which one he pierced through. FML

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By cakefete2 - 4/7/2014 17:29 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was reviewing documents at work, only to find one of my coworkers has been signing off on paperwork, claiming he's been walking one of the residents daily. Aside from being a double leg amputee, the patient died two weeks ago. The state review board comes this week. FML

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By Nathan - 23/3/2009 20:09 - United States

Today, I went to see a therapist for the first time because I've been feeling depressed lately. I opened up and said everything that was on my mind. I really spilled my guts. After a good 30 minutes, her first question was, "Do you always talk this much?" FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2015 14:02

Today, I accidentally walked in on my dad as he was getting changed. Now I know genetics can be a real bitch. With such a massive difference in size, I have to question whether I'm even biologically related to this old three-legged git. FML

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By Amber - 28/5/2013 23:42 - United States - Oroville

Today, I had to make a poster for social studies. I decided to write "Nice ass" in hieroglyphics. Turns out my teacher can read hieroglyphics. FML

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By andy1r - 7/10/2011 06:41 - Bolivia

Today, my future mother-in-law gave me advice on life. One piece of advice was that I should leave her son. FML

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By wtf - 30/8/2011 12:16 - India

Today, it's my birthday. I've been dropping strong hints all year about wanting to learn to tap-dance, hoping for some decent tap shoes. Instead, I got a beekeepers outfit and some furry dice to hang on my wreck of a car's rear-view mirror. FML

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By IcantDance! - 1/10/2012 16:05 - United States - Daphne

Today, although I can't dance, I decided to go to a club. A really cute girl asked me to dance, and I politely declined. She kept insisting, so I finally said okay. A few minutes in, she stopped, looked at me, and said, "If you're going to make fun of my dancing, I'm leaving." FML

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By hoo flung pu - 3/10/2013 08:26 - United States

Today, my dog figured out she can wipe her butthole on my walls after having squeezed out a turd or two. FML

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By ferrarismyname - 9/4/2009 06:40 - United States

Today, I was sitting shotgun in the car. A huge bug came inside, and everyone began to freak out so naturally I began to swat at it. I got the fly, but I also cracked the windshield. I paid $229 to kill a bug. FML

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By liz - 3/10/2010 04:00 - United States

Today, my husband and I moved to get closer to his job. Today he got transferred 150 miles away from where we moved to. FML

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By hockusa3 - 11/9/2014 15:44 - United States - Silver Spring

Today, I was driving to the DMV to take a test, after getting some points removed from my license. On the way there, I got a speeding ticket and got my license suspended completely. FML

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By Charles - 22/2/2009 15:10 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend told me she wanted me to be her first and last...with plenty of people in between. FML

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By Xandriajoy10 - 8/3/2016 11:56 - Australia

Today, a fly flew into my ear canal and got stuck. It was the most horrifying 2 minutes of my life. FML

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By That guy - 8/8/2016 15:45 - United States - Mansfield

Today, I was told that every week the grocery store I work for has a "mystery customer" who shops throughout the store and rates us. Our store has gotten straight 100s for the past two years, and I ruined their streak. Apparently, I was the worst they've ever seen. FML

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By redmethod87 - 8/4/2009 16:08 - United States

Today, I took my dog to the puppy park to meet girls. I met one very attractive girl, she loved my puppy, and she asked for my number. As she took out her phone, my dog defecated on her feet. She was wearing sandals. FML

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By - 29/6/2019 03:03

Today, I tried to call my company's HR to report my boss for sexually inappropriate comments towards me. Turns out, the only person I can complain to is the franchise owner, who has been good friends with my boss for over a decade. FML

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By SAM - 5/8/2018 09:00 - United States

Today, my dad gave me his old camera. I got home and eagerly turned it on to start using it. I was greeted by a photo of my father drunk, smiling, naked, and covered in peanut butter. FML

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By Kate - 4/7/2011 19:06 - United States

Today, my mom said we are having a party for the 4th of July. Her definition of a party is my grandma coming over. FML

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By Jebus - 23/1/2009 13:31 - Canada

Today, I finally went on a date with the girl I'm in love with. After dinner we went to the bar for drinks and things were going great. Right up until she went home with another guy. FML

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By Broke Mama - 24/12/2011 14:38 - United States

Today, with the cost of craft supplies that ended in a DIY fail, then a costume and overnight shipping, I have now spent $90 to obtain a $10 hat and vest for my daughter to play a cow in the school Christmas play. She will say "Moo" three times with 5 other cows before leaving the stage. FML

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Top comments

By randomoutburst | 0

#188151 - Monday 11 May 2009 12:26

(This is my FML, made an account after the submission...)
plethora, orchids run about $20-30 and the cat had eaten ALL of it. Not just the flowers...stem too. So I don't think it's going to grow back. Orchids are delicate. :)

By MileyCyrusIsHot | 5

#3999527 - Monday 6 February 2012 7:08

to show love for his/her mom..?

Comments

By plethora | 3

#188111 - Monday 11 May 2009 12:13

Dude, it's a pot plant. It'll grow again.

Reply

Sexual_predator | 0

#3670219 - Thursday 1 December 2011 21:29

Say you wanted to improve her place's feng shui.

By Luckster | 0

#188122 - Monday 11 May 2009 12:16

At least the cat had an expensive meal.

By randomoutburst | 0

#188151 - Monday 11 May 2009 12:26

(This is my FML, made an account after the submission...)
plethora, orchids run about $20-30 and the cat had eaten ALL of it. Not just the flowers...stem too. So I don't think it's going to grow back. Orchids are delicate. :)

Reply

Turner_22 | 0

#2977292 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 5:01

Why would you ever buy a $20 flower?

Reply

MileyCyrusIsHot | 5

#3999527 - Monday 6 February 2012 7:08

to show love for his/her mom..?

Reply

PuppiesKisses | 15

#6548141 - Monday 29 February 2016 13:46

That sucks I'm sorry. On my birthday I came out to my cats systematically knocking budding flowers off of a potted plant my fiancé gave me for the occasion. Those cats became outdoor(instead of indoor/outdoor) cats that very moment. Indoor plants are expensive and generally take a lot of care.

Reply

Daggerfell | 11

#6629687 - Thursday 16 June 2016 23:29

Hungry hungry kitty?

By 24788 | 6

#188165 - Monday 11 May 2009 12:32

Cats and plants don't mix. My cat used to eat grass and plants back when we had him.

By Karya_fml | 0

#188166 - Monday 11 May 2009 12:32

She should watch the cat now, too - some orchids are poisonous...

And ouch - I feel for you. I totally see my cats doing that.

By plethora | 3

#188203 - Monday 11 May 2009 13:05

If there's still a "stick" in the pot of dirt, there's a stem, and roots too.

By OokamiChan | 0

#188208 - Monday 11 May 2009 13:08

#6, I think by 'stick' she means the stick that was holding the plant up, and that the cat ate the ENTIRE plant.

By Jimboom | 11

#188211 - Monday 11 May 2009 13:10

#1 Orchids only flower every few months.

It's a pain when they get knocked off or eaten by pets. Specially if it only just flowered.

By Tim3 | 0

#188218 - Monday 11 May 2009 13:19

so, just tell her that and get her another one

By tempaccount | 0

#188302 - Monday 11 May 2009 14:27

Goddamned Javascript!
I clicked FYL but then it collapsed and I clicked YDI by accident!
FML