By Anonymous - 9/3/2020 08:00

Phoney sex

Today, after having some great, intimate phone sex with my boyfriend, he immediately said, "Well, gotta go," and hung up. Thanks for making me feel like some sort of phone-hooker, dude. FML

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Walk on the wild side

Caught red-handed

Don't shoot the messenger

By Alicia - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were trying to have sex for the first time. Not only did he struggle for five minutes to put on a condom (repeatedly snapping himself in the balls), but he then had to ask me "which hole" to put it in. I'm dating a thirty-four year old virgin. FML

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By Toldyouso - United States

Today, I thought it would be romantic to fill my girlfriend's room with scented candles and surprise her when she was done showering. I lied there naked, with Kenny G playing softly. I heard a knock on the door, so I told her to come in. To my surprise it was her mom. FML

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By montanadinosaur - United States - Tampa

Today, I was watching porn, and ended up bawling because the girl in the video looked like my ex. FML

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By ollie_ollivia - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years proposed to me. Less than two minutes later, he decided he wasn't ready for the commitment. After I had already said yes. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland - Cork

Today, as a romantic gesture, my boyfriend gifted me an origami vagina. FML

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By embarrassed - United States

Today, I went to see Terminator. Not wanting to spend an outrageous amount of money at the concession stand, I sneaked a Dr. Pepper into the theater. I thought I had gotten away with it, until I opened the bottle and it exploded all over me and four other people that I didn't know. FML

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By hopeless - Canada

Today, a customer was looking for some decking materials. I took her around the store and pointed out some nice plywood, noting that it's also fire-retardant, which might interest her. She got pissed off and bitched me out for supposedly calling her a retard. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Santa Fe

Today, it was my wedding day. When my soon-to-be-husband was saying his vows, he didn't say my name. He said his mother's. FML

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By blacklove - United States

Today, I got a rose from my boyfriend. The card read "it's over". FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Unhappy birthday

Today, my cleaner wished me a happy birthday. My family and friends forgot. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2020 19:02 - United States - Saint Paul

Stress level: 2020

Today, after pushing myself really hard all week to find a new job, I was looking forward to having a nice relaxing weekend with my family. Nope, I got a migraine and can barely function, but also can't sleep. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I started to type up a mass text to tell a decent amount of my friends that I'd just come home to a surprise from my boyfriend. Trying to fix a typo, I accidentally hit send with the text only saying "Guess what?! I just came." FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my mother met my boyfriend. She thought it would be appropriate to tell him that he looks just like my ex-husband. FML

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By shiznit - United States

Technique

Today, I found out that the only way to get my boyfriend to last more than one minute in the sack is to let him watch cartoons while we do it. FML

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By Churizmo - United States

Today, I was at a party and I really had to use the bathroom. There were 30-40 people talking outside the door, so I thought it would be ok to make some noise. Just as I'm about to begin having explosive diarrhea, everyone falls silent as my dad begins to pray for our meal. FML

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By Stalked - United States

Today, I and a policeman confronted my psychotic neighbor who stole my cat because she thinks flea bites cause cancer. She refused to tell us what she'd done with the cat. I just spent $100 last month in vet bills, and my kids are crying for their pet. He's probably in pieces in her freezer. FML

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By Deidle-dee - United States

Today, I had a date with a guy I've had a crush on for 6 years. Things got heated when we got back to his place, but he had trouble getting the condom on. As soon he got it on, he came. I told him it was ok, I'd help him get hard again. He said, "No thanks. I'm good." FML

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By Cellismasher - United States

Today, while walking to work, I accidentally dropped my $400 cell phone on the sidewalk. The screen shattered into a million pieces. A woman passing by looked at the ruined phone and said, "Now that's what you call a dropped call!" She laughed and kept walking. FML

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By butchapparently

Today, I got a text from the guy I've been in love with for 3 years, saying: "So um, I've been wondering. Did you used to be a man?" FML

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By thanxguys - United States

Today, I discovered that when my parents offered to help me pay for college, what they really meant is they would get the forms for me to apply for student loans. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after 4 days without being able to poop, now, while sitting stuck in traffic, I have the sudden urge to use the bathroom. FML

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By cheezeits - United States

Today, my long-distance girlfriend asked me if she could see someone else on the side. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me for six months with my best friend of five years. After asking him what she had that I didn't, he responded with one word - "Boobies." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Abington

Today, my father used my birth certificate as a beer coaster. Accident or not, it pretty much perfectly sums up our relationship. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned how to use a fire extinguisher. Too bad it was on my brand new oven. FML

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By Igballoon2 - 23/4/2020 14:00

Get a load of this nerd!

Today, I was told that school was cancelled for the rest of the year. School is/was my one place of escape, and the only distraction in my life. It's now not going to be an escape until September. FML

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By Broke - United States - The Colony

Today, I went to an ATM to see how much money I had in my account. I put the card in. It never gave it back. FML

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By teacher - United States

Today, I heard two of my students having a conversation. One asked what state Arizona was in, and the other replied Canada. I teach sixth grade social studies and they weren't joking. FML

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By alone in ND

Today, it's my 25th birthday. I closed at work, not one person wished me happy birthday, no calls or letters from my family. Even my boyfriend of 3 years didn’t remember. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, I found out that people can get ringworm from cats. I found out because I have ringworm. I don't have a cat. Then I remembered I helped a friend move about two weeks ago, and spent the night sharing a bed with her cat. That's the last time I ever help her move. FML

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By ttsutaoka - United States

Today, I was involved in a car accident. I wasn't the driver of either car. I happened to be a passerby that was hit by a falling stop sign as a car hit it. FML

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By fuckdubstep51 - United States - Willingboro

Today, my boss gave me a warning for "insulting our best customer" after she saw a comment on her customer card saying "stop giving this fat bitch free samples." My boss had written it in the first place, but refuses to either remember or admit it. FML

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By littlekellilee

Today, I reached out to an old friend to ask how his battle with cancer is going. He responded by asking for boob pics. FML

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By sadmama

Today, I found out that while my mother-in-law claimed to be babysitting my son, she was actually dropping him off at an unlicensed “day care” in a shady part of town so she could go out. How did I find out? The house was raided by police. FML

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By Anonymous - Mexico

Today, some guy I passed in the street was so high out of his mind, he beat the crap out of me, thinking I was a piñata. FML

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By Broke Ass Hoe

Today, as I realized I'm too broke to go out and get more toilet paper, I noticed my cat chewing on something and tearing it apart. It was my last roll. FML

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By embarrassed - United States - Great Neck

Today, I went to a baseball game with my girlfriend's dad. I got a boner when they sang the anthem, because that's what I sing in my head when having sex with his daughter so I last longer. FML

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By Betchsadface - United States

Today, I got bitch-slapped by a walrus at Sea Life Park. FML

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By moderndante - United States - Portland

Hey, where's my bonus?!

Today, my co-worker received a $1,000 bonus for a project that I do all the work on. My direct supervisor thought that I was an assistant. I send him an e-mail copy of the project every week, and have done so for the past six months. I was later reprimanded for not congratulating my co-worker. FML

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By OnCompanyTimeToo - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, while writing a self-evaluation for my internship, I had to type up answers to certain questions and then submit them. After submission, I re-read one of the answers I had written that said, "After 3 months on the jon I finally feel like I have accomplished a lot." I had meant to write job. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 29

#7888401 - Monday 9 March 2020 17:42

Oh my God, did he have to stay and phone-cuddle?

By Dale Gulley | 8

#7888350 - Monday 9 March 2020 12:34

Either, something “came up” that he needed to take care of, or the phone sex was that good and he needed to clean up.

COMMENTS

By Mathalamus | 24

#7888314 - Monday 9 March 2020 9:47

Perhaps he suddenly needed to do something?

By tabby cat tidbit | 7

#7888339 - Monday 9 March 2020 12:02

man obviously doesn't consider your feelings. get out while you can.

By Dale Gulley | 8

#7888350 - Monday 9 March 2020 12:34

Either, something “came up” that he needed to take care of, or the phone sex was that good and he needed to clean up.

Reply

krray | 6

#7888652 - Tuesday 10 March 2020 18:35

Clean up ... and take a nap. :)

By RichardPencil | 29

#7888401 - Monday 9 March 2020 17:42

Oh my God, did he have to stay and phone-cuddle?

By pjsr | 32

#7888458 - Monday 9 March 2020 22:27

Wham, slam, thank you ma’am

By lifeis4me | 20

#7888505 - Tuesday 10 March 2020 5:36

It’s the post-nut clarity