Money Saving Fail

Today, after having sex with my boyfriend, he said that I should go to the bathroom so we don't end up pregnant. When I asked why, he said that I need to "pee out the semen." I explained to him 5 times that I don't pee out of my vagina. He still doesn't get it. FML

Work name

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Or he's just becoming an old goober

By bucollegegirl - 8/10/2012 14:07 - United States

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Today, I picked up an elderly woman walking alone in the cold. I asked her where she was going but she didn't respond. Thinking she was just cold, I kept driving until a man driving erratically kept honking at me. Turns out he's her husband and she has severe Alzheimers. FML

By Anonymous - 15/11/2015 17:36 - United States - Show Low

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2249

Today, my daughter's idea of a prank was taking all of our money and getting herself arrested. FML

By bail? - 29/8/2019 23:00 - United States - Omaha

1517

146

Today, I came home on crutches. My dog was immediately afraid of them, and came running towards me, growling and barking. She ran right into me, knocking me over. FML

By coloris - 3/8/2019 00:01

1529

112

Today, after returning to work from a week-long sickness, I sent out an apologetic email to all of my clients to explain my lack of communication due to absence. I realised afterwards I had put the subject line as 'Absense'. And sent it to all of my clients. FML

By absense - 16/3/2016 07:43 - United Kingdom

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Today, I lost a bet with my friends. I had to go to the super market and buy a copy of 50 Shades of Grey along with a cucumber. The cashier was trying so hard not to laugh while ringing me up. FML

By Anonymous - 21/2/2013 13:43 - United States - Boise

44841

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Today, my boss made me type up my own written warning, where I had to trash myself and describe my own "shocking incompetence". All the department heads are going to receive a copy of this. FML

By ksa - 4/8/2015 19:06 - Poland - Katowice

24189

3004

Today, I was driving into a parking lot with some friends. I carelessly passed a sign when my friend said, "Wait what did that sign say?" I backed up to read it and guess what it said: "Severe Tire Damage. Do Not Back Up." Now all 4 of my tires are slashed. FML

By ooops - 3/9/2009 00:18 - United States

17884

43089

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me during a funeral. FML

By Anonymous - 21/12/2013 06:26 - United States - New York

51990

4499

Today, I found out who the father of my sister's 4 year old son is. My husband of 7 years. FML

By Jessica - 21/10/2009 18:31 - United Kingdom

67142

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Today, I tried on the new dress I bought for myself. I, for once, thought I looked pretty all right. I asked my dog, "How do I look?" and she threw up on my pillow. My brother can't stop laughing. FML

By Anonymous - 14/11/2010 09:42 - United States

33717

5116

Today, I was delivering packages as usual for work. I was dropping off a large letter to a hot girl. Before I turned to leave the girl opened her mouth to say something. Instead, she just vomited all over me. Her letter was my first delivery of the day. I had to finish my job covered in puke. FML

By FedExMan - 11/8/2009 23:15 - United States

41579

2580

Today, I found out the reason my boyfriend dumped me was because his parents don't like the fact that I go to a prestigious university. However, they're completely accepting of the drunken slob who's dating their daughter. FML

By Anonymous - 13/3/2011 19:17 - United Kingdom

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Today, my boss made me wear reindeer antlers to promote the Christmas spirit. There are still 5 weeks till Christmas. FML

By bakergirl - 16/11/2009 10:40 - Australia

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Today, my son told me the Christmas letter he wrote to Santa was a joke and he didn't want the stuff he asked for. I already bought everything. FML

By Amore - 9/12/2014 19:15 - France - Bois-colombes

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4223

Today, I learned that being a twin really isn't that cool. After laughing at my twin brother for getting a speeding ticket he turns to me and says "It's not mine." Confused, I look at the ticket and see my name. He used my license. FML

By Twinner - 20/10/2009 19:03 - Canada

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4667

Today, I waited for 20 minutes to get a cab outside grand central station in New York (it was raining). Finally, to my relief, I found a cab but when I got in I let a little fart slip. Two minutes later the cabby kicked me out of his cab because I stunk. FML

By proteinboy - 16/11/2009 03:00 - United States

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Today, my 19 year old girlfriend dumped me because she thinks I'm immature. I'm 30. FML

By Benji - 22/1/2009 12:06 - France

10483

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Today, a classmate came up to me, quickly shoved a dollar bill down my shirt, threw her arms around me and told me to pretend I was her boyfriend to avoid some other guy. Sad thing is, this is the first girl I've hugged in ages. FML

By nonfreehugs - 4/10/2012 05:09 - United States - Seattle

27579

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Today, I had just gotten over the flu and thought I was better. So me and my boyfriend decided to have sex. As I was about to orgasm, I puked all over his face. He was so disgusted that he ended up throwing up on me as well. FML

By Foxy - 5/2/2009 14:06 - United States

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Today, my dad told me about how my mother had a bad dream last night and began to scream "Don't take me, take my children!" FML

By lm - 20/5/2009 20:49 - Ireland

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Today, I woke up, ate breakfast, and left my dorm room, only to see about half a dozen people and my roommate shuffling around in the hall. Their zombie outfits and limping were so realistic that I freaked out and ran back inside, screaming. They think it was the greatest prank ever. FML

By campus pussy - 22/3/2014 21:08 - United States - Ross

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11389

Today, I didn't make dinner fast enough so somebody had a yelling and screaming temper tantrum. It would be understandable if the person who threw the tantrum was a child, and not my 57-year-old father. FML

By mnote - 23/10/2014 15:56 - United States - Sapulpa

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Today, I was at the gym trying to impress a hot girl, so I put an extra 30 pounds on the bar, I lowered, pushed... and pooped. FML

By authorsubmit - 4/5/2012 12:49 - United States

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Today, I went commando for the first time at school. It went really well until gym class, when I got distracted and changed like I normally do. I didn’t realize my mistake until my friends started laughing. I accidentally stripped in front of my whole class. FML

By Oops - 26/10/2018 12:00

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Today, I excitedly told my husband that I'm pregnant with our first child. With the most shit-eating grin, he said, "Hi, Pregnant. I'm dad." FML

By Anonymous - 18/11/2015 02:13 - United States - Herndon

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Today, I overheard my parents arguing over who had to tell me that I'm adopted. FML

By Anonymous - 16/4/2017 08:00 - United States - Philadelphia

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Today, I got hit by a car while riding my bike. Instead of coming to my aid, the driver just laid on his horn and screamed out the window for me to move my ass, because he had places to be. FML

By Anonymous - 21/4/2013 04:11 - United States

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Today, I found my lost iPhone earbuds. In the cat litter box. I am 100% sure that they passed through my cat to get there. FML

By brentkd - 20/7/2010 16:34 - United States

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Today, I walked in on my boyfriend jerking off to what I thought was porn on his phone. He was actually beating it to Siri's voice. FML

By fizzie101 - 18/10/2014 21:43 - United States - San Francisco

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Today, I attended my son's Christmas concert. When I went to sit down in the last available seat, a woman said she was saving it for her husband. Having nowhere else to sit, I stood in the back, for an hour. The seat remained empty for the entire concert. FML

By Anonymous - 15/12/2010 22:47 - United States

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Today, it's Saturday. While all my friends go out to have fun, I get my excitement thinking about how I'll be sleeping with a new pillow. FML

By soy_un_perderdor - 13/12/2009 07:14 - United States

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Today, I tried to break up with my boyfriend. Midway through the speech I'd prepared, I fainted and hit my head against a wall. FML

By HelpPlease - 11/2/2016 23:18 - United States - San Francisco

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Today, after already having a terrible day, I went to Starbucks for an espresso. Being nice, I put the last dollar I had in my wallet in their tip jar. While paying for my drink, my card was denied for insufficient funds. The world hates me. FML

By noespresso - 15/8/2010 20:20 - United States

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Today, I told my mom that I wanted professional head-shots done for Christmas. When asked why, I said "I want to submit them to a modeling agency." My mom exchanged looks with my sister before laughing so hard that she wet herself. FML

By brandiboobarry - 29/11/2010 06:01

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Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because "we don't communicate enough". She got her friend to tell me this for her. FML

By .... - 24/12/2013 02:48 - United States - Modesto

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Today, after months of random vomiting with no apparent cause, I finally got some tests done. The doctor says there's nothing wrong with me and that it's all just in my head. Great. FML

By Anonymous - 28/1/2014 19:43 - United States - Brooklyn

45595

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Today, my girlfriend is as punctual as a German train; I woke up to see her taking a dump into a plastic bag in our bedroom, all because my roommate was using the bathroom and she had to leave for work on time. FML

By WakeUpToADream - 25/9/2015 20:43 - United States - San Francisco

26147

1950

Today, my girlfriend's parents walked in on us having sex. Not only did her dad make me walk out to my truck with no clothes on, he is my baseball coach and I will be seeing him on Monday. FML

By Keith walk - 12/2/2011 05:59 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend told me that the only reason he put me through so much heartache last year was because the make-up sex was awesome. FML

By makeupsex - 14/2/2012 11:25 - Canada

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