Money Saving Fail

Today, for the first time in 2 years I was able to clean my kitchen, because my back pain has stopped me looking after myself. When I stopped cleaning, my pain was so bad, all I could do was lay flat in bed. Not even my pain meds could help. My kitchen is still not completely clean. FML

Serious times

Messed up

Bad news

By FaronKee - 18/12/2020 00:56 - United Kingdom

Put your back into it

846

Today, nine weeks after giving birth, my husband and I finally tried to have sex since a friend was watching the baby. Not only could I not get wet due to hormones, but as soon as he got back from buying lube, his drunk brother called needing a ride from the bar. No sex for me. FML

By Anonymous

1975

264

Today, some friends got upset with me as I wouldn't leave work early and cycle 12 miles to meet them to fix their punctures because they had no spare tubes or repair kits. The same friends that always mock me for being so prepared on bike rides. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Crawley

24808

1705

Today, someone on Instagram posted a picture of himself with gym lifting straps around his neck. I commented "autoerotic asphyxiation" and now a 250-pound bodybuilder wants to kill me. FML

By athletiks - United States - Pullman

23960

40536

Today, my mom blew her top when I casually mentioned that it's pretty well known that the story of Jesus is a retelling of older Persian and Egyptian stories. She then went on to yell at me that I wasted my money on college and "book learning". FML

By Anonymous - United States - Tucson

36280

10680

Today, I visited my grandmother who has dementia. She thought I was my father, and told me that I should never have married my mother, let alone have had children with her. FML

By dmachin - France

31043

2113

Today, my youngest son had to have stitches in his chin. He did great, I passed out. FML

By Sherlock - France

24448

7308

Today, my mom added me on Facebook. She wrote on my wall, for the whole world to see, "Why are you swearing on the internet?! You're grounded". FML

By rosmaizura - Malaysia

27345

22321

Today I started a new job, I found out that my employer doesn't follow the labour laws and my new co-workers are planning on reporting the owner of the company. The owner is my father, and I want to help them report him. FML

By Anonymous - Canada - Westerose

7015

781

Today, I noticed my laptop kept shutting down and the mouse cursor was all over the place, clicking on every folder. I dismantled the entire computer only to notice something in one of my USB drives: the receiver to a wireless mouse my colleague put there earlier to play a prank on me. 5ML

By Kenny - Nigeria - Lagos

39367

8302

Today, a patient at the hospital I work at had a tracheal tube and couldn't speak. I'm unable to read lips, but I'm pretty sure he was mouthing the words 'stupid bitch' every time I tried to stop him from pulling out his IV. FML

By sirenmario

25913

2660

Today, I found out that my landlord is sleeping with my girlfriend, and he won’t let me out of my lease. FML

By Anonymous - United States

Landlords are scum

2388

137

Today, it's been 13 months since I've been living in the States. I've been called a Nazi, asked if we have electricity in Germany, and been made fun of the way I speak with my "German accent", the list goes on. I'm not even German, I'm Danish. FML

By LearnGeographyUSA - United States - Kirkland

46370

2851

Today, while walking on the sidewalk, someone hit me with their car. They yelled at me for being in their way. FML

By TheKunitzShow14 - United States

37230

3343

Today, a girl asked me to check out her left breast, which she said she'd found a strange lump on. I'm an orthodontist. FML

By noway - United States - San Francisco

30789

3433

Today, I got back from my daughter's flat in Scotland. I got a flight there yesterday morning to surprise her on her 21st birthday. Nobody told her I was coming. When I got there, it turned out she decided to get a plane to London to surprise me. £200 on flights, and I didn't even get to see her. FML

By gordy1220 - United Kingdom

29903

4926

Today, I found out that my husband keeps in contact with the woman he was infatuated with in high school. He texts her more than he texts me. FML

By Anonymous - United States

34330

4192

Today, after a 7 year dry spell, I finally got laid. The downside? It was in my dreams and involved a character from My Little Pony forcing itself on me. Now I hate that fucking stupid show more than ever. FML

By love and tolerape, apparently - India - Jamshedpur

36876

8303

Today, I went to an interview for a job I really wanted and am qualified for. I've been looking for months. This job was perfect; close to home and great pay. Needless to say I spent quite a while preparing. Everything was going great until I had to sneeze, which forced out a loud, long fart. FML

By interviewed - United States

50653

4162

Today, I told my dad and brother that I want to take Zumba classes. My brother said, "Did you hear that? Pumbaa wants to Zumba!" Then he starting dancing and making pig noises. My dad high-fived him. When my mom heard, she high-fived him too. FML

By hakuna matata - United States - Paso Robles

28900

3595

Today, I got my tongue pierced, then went to a pet store. A clerk came up to ask if I needed help. I showed him I already had some fish, and said, "No thanks." He must have thought I was "special," as he bent down and in a baby voice, said "You got fishy? FISHY FISHY FISHY!" while poking the bag. FML

By aprilfools22 - United States

29818

12576

Today, I have bad adult acne. This wouldn't be so bad, except that it's only on one side of my face. I look like a Batman villain. FML

By twoface_chick - United States - San Francisco

32130

2673

Today, I was suntanning outside, when I had a bout of nausea. I rushed to the toilet, hoping at all costs to just dry-heave it away. When I lifted the lid, I was faced with two of the most rancid floaters I've ever seen, courtesy of my live-in gran. Well, my stomach's empty now. FML

By rainbows? more like shitstorms - United States

26663

2039

Today, after getting up at 6 a.m., fighting with the dogs to wipe their paws off from the snow, and having to wait for a moving truck to move so I could get to work by 8, I got a call from my boss saying we were closed due to weather. It was 8:15. I was already there. FML

By socialbanana - United States - Colorado Springs

8566

683

Today, I tried to kill a spider by throwing a shoe at it. All it did was slice the spider's egg sac open, releasing all its babies. FML

By Anonytard - Canada - Toronto

57620

15067

Today, I was fired. Not only was I fired with no warning, not only was my friend the one who fired me, but I was fired from the unpaid volunteering position I took to help her out. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

21325

2160

Today, I met my boyfriend's mom for the first time. I introduced myself and went to shake her hand. She looked me up and down and said, "I don't shake hands with whores." FML

By Jes_jes18 - United States

66786

7662

Today I spent an hour getting ready for my first date of the year, only to wait 30 min in the cold and then walking back home by myself. Why didn’t he show up? On his way to the date he got invited for a threesome and decided to do that instead. FML

By Stoodup

2222

201

Today, I spent two hours making dinner for my boyfriend's family. When I brought it over to their house they said "thanks" and didn't bother to invite me to stay to eat it. FML

By dole_out_the_fml - Canada

59121

4561

Today, my girlfriend of 3 months got mad at me because I thought she was attractive. She has an identical twin, and she says if I think she's attractive, I must want her twin too. FML

By jack - United States - Mcnabb

36879

2523

Today, my toddler was supposed to be taking a nap. Instead, he decided it was the perfect time to remove his own nappy for the first time ever. He painted his walls, floor, bed and body, then started crying because he was dirty. FML

By "Kymberly Hams" - Australia

1913

301

Today, during swimming in PE, I kept noticing a stinging feeling on my scrotum. Every time I jumped into the water I would feel a sharp stab. After the full hour of hell, I went to the bathroom and looked in my new trunks. The designer had left their sewing needle in the crotch netting. FML

By CantPublish - United States

43845

4963

Today, my mom told me that my new concealer is way too dark and makes my skin look hideously orange and uneven. I wasn't wearing any makeup. FML

By Anonymous - United States

35142

4445

Today, while my husband and I were arguing, he walked away in the middle of my sentence yelling, "Remember babe, you're only my current wife!" FML

By JB - United States - Somerset

27454

4888

Today, my boyfriend and I were going to have sex for the first time. He didn't know how to take off my bra and insisted that he'd figure it out on his own. He gave up a couple seconds later and played video games instead. FML

By Unknown - United States

42752

6365

Today, I was at a big family reunion at my aunt's place. Before dinner, I went outside in the garden for a smoke. Through the kitchen window, I saw my cousin spit in the soup. Twice. My aunt patted his back and continued stirring. FML

By eww - Austria - Vienna

30767

2580

Today, I drew a face on a balloon and pretended to make out with it. The balloon popped and shot to the back of my throat, where it got caught. FML

By jazthefish - United States

13761

71594

Today, I woke up after having a nightmare that my girlfriend broke up with me. Needing reassurance, I told her about it. She became furious with me saying that she'd never do that and called me an "inconsiderate fucking bastard for even thinking that." Then she broke up with me. FML

By Dave - United States

33710

3760

Today, I'm so sick that I'm drinking fluids just to make it hurt less when I puke. FML

By cmoney6452 - United States

30094

2493

Today, I was on Facebook when I saw a picture a popular girl I don't talk to had posted of her fake ID. She had used my full name and identical signature. FML

By Anonymous - 9/4/2020 08:00

Stolen valor

1716

104