Money Saving Fail

Today, it's my birthday and I had to work. My boss wished me a happy birthday, and then told me I was fired. FML

Mr Sensitivity

This is fine

Boozehound alert

By Anonymous - 3/7/2019 07:00 - Vietnam - Hanoi

1980

127

Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend that taking triple the maximum dosage of painkillers won't actually triple its effects. She rolled her eyes, called me clueless, and said that I should "leave this stuff to the professionals." She's studying to become a doctor. FML

By Anonymous - 21/4/2013 17:36 - Kuwait - Kuwait

46081

6407

Today, I am 11 weeks pregnant and my husband has taken great glee in the fact that his horrible gas is enough to trigger my morning sickness. We're about to go on a long 12 hour drive. FML

By honeybunny - 19/11/2014 19:04 - United States - Norman

34907

3117

Today, I was closing the deal on this beautiful $200k ranch in the country. The buyer soon pulls up and we get to discussing the contract terms, soon the buyer asks the seller," Wow why is this house going so cheap?" The seller replies, "Do you believe in ghosts?" There goes my $8,000 commission. FML

By dontaskdonttell - 24/4/2009 06:27 - United States

52357

5614

Today, I had the crap beaten out of me by a woman in the street, who accused me of sleeping with her husband. I still don't know who she or her husband are, and I'm still a virgin. FML

By Anonymous - 3/8/2012 22:50 - Mexico - Villahermosa

31886

1929

Today, I called my boyfriend. He answered with, "Hey, I'll call you back when this goes to commercial." FML

By Jess - 20/8/2019 14:00 - United States - Jacksonville

1205

450

Today, I went to Wal-Mart with my mom. She kept telling me to put my keys away so I wouldn't lose them. After a few times, I got annoyed and yelled at her. When we got back to her house, I realized I'd lost my keys. FML

By Rastaa_Reyes - 16/5/2019 23:52

The definition of irony

546

2818

Today I sent a message out to a support group to get and give support following a sexual assault, the person who responded and was giving advice was the person who assaulted me. FML

By UniStudi - 23/12/2018 14:00

3612

160

Today, my mother told me the sun was the largest planet in the solar system. When I told her it was a star, she accused me of lying. We had to bring Google into this. FML

By mrnikc - 24/3/2020 02:04 - United States

Knowledge is power

1590

112

Today, my fiancée called our engagement off, because apparently she's actually a complete idiot who will believe anything that a slimy con artist tells her. In this case, a "psychic" who mumbled some shit about me having "a dark aura." FML

By waste of effort - 15/5/2012 20:56 - United Kingdom

32047

3725

Today, I've been trapped at home for almost two months because of the epidemic. Now I'm thrilled just to get to go outside to throw garbage away, as if I'm going on a trip. FML

By HkxAliso0302 - 3/3/2020 22:00 - China - Beijing

News from China

1637

168

Today, I sent my boss a link to a website I thought would answer a simple question she'd asked. Turns out, yes, the site did answer her question, but it also had some very suggestive ads on it. Apparently I'm the only person in the office who uses adblock. FML

By Anonymous - 19/1/2010 19:26 - United States

29097

2989

Today, I went in to my local cafe for my morning coffee. I was chatting to the barista as she was making it, and I mentioned that I was starting a new diet. She goes, "Oh that's great! I've been sneaking skimmed milk in your coffee for years, I didn't want to say anything..." FML

By Skimilk - 18/2/2010 02:47 - Australia

28994

5832

Today, my friend showed me a creepy piece of artwork he'd drawn. I laughed and said that it would give me nightmares, meaning it as a compliment. Turns out, this one was in honor of his dead grandmother, who'd raised him. FML

By Anonymous - 26/1/2012 03:54 - United States

24624

10370

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. Not only did he last just 2 minutes, he also sat there for a while afterwards, smacking his semi-erect penis in awe and saying, "Look, it's still hard! How crazy is that?!" FML

By Anonymous - 15/9/2011 20:03 - United States

41552

6051

Today, my girlfriend got into a huge fight with her mom over the phone. After the fight, she looked ready to cry so I went over to comfort her. She went straight past me, and started confiding in her creepy, extremely expensive dolls instead. FML

By Anonymous - 13/3/2010 01:00 - United States

30592

3063

Today, my girlfriend decided it would be cute to leave a love letter in my car while I was at work. She left my lights on. I got a dead battery. FML

By Blake Lawrence - 26/11/2012 18:59 - United States - Salt Lake City

26706

2594

Today, I found a box of birthday candles sitting on the coffee table. Bored, I lit one, and after a minute I threw it away and sat back down on the couch. I started looking at the box and noticed that it said "Magic Re-Lighting Candles" at the exact moment that my trash can burst into flames. FML

By Anonymous - 4/5/2009 20:28 - United States

29747

75826

Today, my mum was in a bad mood, so I tried to cheer her up by telling her I love her, and giving her a hug. She slapped me hard enough to leave a red, hand-shaped mark on my face, and told me to fuck off with my "sarcasm". FML

By Anonymous - 7/11/2014 08:03 - Australia

41588

3738

Today, my girlfriend launched her own business. I was recently laid off from my job, so I offered to be her very first employee. I now have the glamorous job of bleaching people's assholes. FML

By Anonymous - 12/1/2016 18:04 - United States - Newtown Square

21829

6899

Today, the lady in front of me in the checkout line had a pacifier hanging around her neck, but I didn't think much of it until it was time for her to pay. She reacted to the $250 total by crying like a baby and very loudly asking me to put the pacifier in her mouth to calm her down. FML

By Anonymous - 14/11/2018 14:00

3309

184

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, when his condom came off inside of me. We couldn't get it out, so I had to tell my mom, who didn't know we were sexually active, and then go to the ER. After an unsuccessful visit, we came home only to find the condom in my sheets. FML

By Anonymous - 21/9/2013 01:18 - United States - Tampa

56066

37655

Today, I slipped money into my mother's purse after she refused to let me pay for lunch. She caught me in the act and thought I was stealing money from her instead. FML

By SilverAuthor - 29/7/2016 22:53 - United States - Detroit

15238

2012

Today, my dogs freaked out and started getting violent because they thought the sound of my vibrator was the other's growling. FML

By foops - 2/2/2014 21:50 - United Kingdom

45737

11558

Today, I spent 300 dollars making colored flyers for my iPhone that I lost. On the flyer I wrote for whoever found it to call me and I would give a reward. I wrote the phone number of my iPhone that I lost. FML

By Mike - 1/3/2009 02:42 - United States

22628

133675

Today, I walked over to my grandmother's house to pay her a visit. I politely knocked on the door, and there was no answer. Fearing that something had happened, I violently broke down the door to find my grandma and her new 80 year old boyfriend having sex. FML

By ryan and Zack - 25/2/2010 22:30 - United States

32102

7874

Today, I went to my school to take my yearbook picture. I was wearing a shirt that said ANALOG on the front. When I bent in to take the picture, part of my shirt overlapped itself. Now I'm known as the ANAL kid in the yearbook. FML

By boytoy - 2/9/2009 21:23 - Canada

44005

18865

Today, my dentist kept staring at me with a worried expression while working on me. Concerned that something was wrong with my teeth, I asked her what was the matter. She replied, "I'm not a dermatologist, but you should go to a doctor, I think you have staph." She was referring to my acne. FML

By PlagueFace - 17/7/2020 17:01

Spotted

1346

115

Today, I was in a store using the only bathroom there. After I was done, I realized I couldn't open the door. Panicked it locked me in, I banged on the door, and screamed for help. The security and a whole group of people gathered, only to find that I was pulling the door instead of pushing it. FML

By Anonymous - 7/4/2009 15:51 - Japan

17414

91404

Today, a stoplight dropped square into the bed of my pickup truck. The police think I was attempting to steal it, and my insurance won't cover the damage to my truck. There were no witnesses. FML

By metallicatime - 16/12/2011 03:16 - United States

35192

2301

Today, I found out that my son has been trying to save enough of his earwax to make a candle. FML

By Anonymous - 14/7/2014 17:45 - United States - Lititz

44136

5584

Today, I was kicked out of my track team's locker room because the coach said there weren't enough lockers for everyone on the team. There are 74 lockers and only 52 girls on the team. FML

By Noname - 8/2/2009 03:39 - United States

32811

2148

Today, I saw a video of me from over the weekend, naked, pretending to be a duck. What the fuck happened that night? FML

By laurenraeee - 25/5/2010 05:18 - United States

20542

57272

Today, during a lunch I said "It must be awful to realize that you've been cheated on!". One of the men present had just found out that he had been. I then try to correct my tactlessness by saying "The worst must be when your wife leaves you for another woman". Which was also the case. FML

By lovely-sweet - 27/11/2008 12:34 - France

28430

10037

Today, I logged on to my Gmail account and to find that my brother had sent my math teacher a picture of Bigfoot peeing into a urinal. Using my account. FML

By Hey, thats not math!? - 9/8/2016 20:20 - United States - Sunnyside

13416

1280

Today, a creepy old guy on the bus asked me if I wanted to "lick it." When I said no, he tried to convince me by telling me that "it tastes good." FML

By flowerchildd2 - 12/12/2011 23:17 - United States

36283

3004

Today, I learned that the four girls who I assumed were my girlfriends' good friends and whom she was always talking about were actually characters from the television show, "Sex and the City." My girlfriend has fictional friends. FML

By tubedout - 23/7/2009 19:16 - United States

54337

6317

Today, I didn't have my key, so my sister told me to call her to let me in. I called, no answer. I waited for 15 minutes and then called my dad complaining about her, still being outside. She popped her out the window and yelled, "Don't talk about me, bitch!" and wouldn't open the door. FML

By sister_woes - 9/10/2010 06:36 - United States

28938

4575

Today, I've been a vegan for a year. It's also the day that I met my dad's new best friend, who happens to be a retired butcher. They tried to pull an intervention on me for not "being sensible" by eating meat. FML

By Jlhfan90 - 3/10/2012 15:34 - United States

18771

18940

Today, after almost a year of dating and getting dumped out of the blue, I found out my ex-girlfriend wants to get a restraining order against me. I guess dropping a box of her things on her porch after she wouldn't answer her phone is considered stalking. FML

By Anonymous - 30/8/2019 12:00

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