By FML Approved - 29/8/2017 22:27 - France - Paris

Martial Arts Feels

Martial arts instructors have feelings too!

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Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

Delayed proposal

You snooze, you lose

By Anonymous - 20/2/2016 08:21 - United States - Pomona

Today, I went to a bingo club with my gran and won the second game and a butthurt old lady accused me of cheating. I ended up being taken aside by an apologetic member of staff and asked to leave. I'm still trying to figure out how you can even cheat at bingo. FML

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21777

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By MikeA - 9/6/2017 12:00

Today, I used Siri to text my VP asking for a good time to talk. Siri helpfully changed the text to ask for a "good time to talk my dick" and sent it before I could change it. FML

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3409

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2010 01:25 - Canada

Today, I discovered that my new roommate likes to take the loose hair when she showers and make shapes with it on the shower wall. She calls it art. FML

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31757

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By WHAT A NICE GUY YOU ARE, SIR SHITSPAWN!!!1! - 9/8/2013 22:13 - United States

Today, this weird kid in class asked me on a date. He claims to be a werewolf. His excuse for not being able to turn into one? A "rare disease." His excuse for everyone rejecting him? "Friend-zoning bitches." I was the last resort even for a jackoff "nice guy" werewolf. FML

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41294

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By Anonymous - 12/2/2016 18:47 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a teacher told me in all seriousness that she believes my son, who has severe learning difficulties, is likely demonically possessed. I'm sorry, but what century are we living in? Now I have to get him moved to another school so he doesn't have to be in the care of this nutjob. FML

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By shootme - 13/11/2011 22:46 - Canada

Today, like every day, I used my phone while taking a dump. As I reached for some toilet paper to wipe myself, my sister pounded on the door for me to hurry up. I yelled "Fine," and without realizing it, wiped myself with my phone. FML

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By Sucker - 12/10/2009 19:31 - Canada

Today, after working another double shift because I want to buy my boyfriend a really expensive anniversary present, I get to his apartment to find him calculating in how many paychecks he'll be able to afford a Caribbean getaway. For himself. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2011 19:23 - United Kingdom

Today, I met my father for the first time since I was a baby. The first comment out of his mouth was, "I bet all the boys love those motherfucking bazongas, don't they?" Hi, Dad. FML

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By crimsoncon - 25/11/2011 10:24

Today, my dog nearly died when my mom fed him chocolate. After finding out dogs are not supposed to eat chocolate, she promptly grounded me for not telling her. FML

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By hilariousnow - 22/12/2009 08:46 - Vietnam

Today, with my girlfriend I planned a trip to Bali on this Thursday and we will celebrate Christmas together. Hotel booking done, flight tickets bought, swimsuits packed. I just forgot one thing: tell my boss I'll be on leave till next week. He gave me a new project. The deadline is next monday. FML

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By Nutty - 24/6/2009 05:10 - United States

Today, I was sitting next to this cute guy on an airplane who I had started talking to. There was still an empty seat between us and it seemed like there weren't any more passengers boarding the plane. I then asked out loud, "I wonder if anyone will sit between us?" He replied "I hope so." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2013 15:51 - United States - South Sioux City

Today, I told my family I was divorcing my husband. My little sister asked if "we can keep him instead". FML

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37843

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By campus pussy - 22/3/2014 21:08 - United States - Ross

Today, I woke up, ate breakfast, and left my dorm room, only to see about half a dozen people and my roommate shuffling around in the hall. Their zombie outfits and limping were so realistic that I freaked out and ran back inside, screaming. They think it was the greatest prank ever. FML

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42933

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By BrefODM - 13/6/2014 03:15 - United Kingdom

Today, thanks to an efficient diet, I reached my target weight. Unfortunately, my chest has disappeared. My boyfriend suggested we have a funeral for my bras. FML

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By annonymous - 7/9/2015 20:56 - United States

Today, while at a neighborhood party, my drunk mother told all our neighbors, including a girl I like, about my struggles with a micropenis. FML

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31613

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By catsonuincorns - 15/4/2018 06:00 - United States - Clovis

Today, I was in a car accident with my dad. A wheel slammed into my door, dislocating my arm and breaking it in three places. Later on, the people who hit us came over and gave my little sister a gift basket. She wasn't even in the car. FML

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4395

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By fucked - 24/8/2014 20:03 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I landed my first job as a security officer. Only after I signed all the paperwork did I find out that the area I'll be working is apparently a hotspot for violent shootings. I'm screwed. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2010 01:42 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend likes to show his female co-workers his dick, by emailing them pictures of it. I found out when he included my email address in with theirs. FML

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By pinocchio - 24/6/2011 23:04 - United States

Today, during my honeymoon, my wife and I finally went scuba-diving. My nose was too big to fit in the face goggles, so I couldn't go. My wife went without me anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39167

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By Butterflyguy - 14/8/2009 17:10 - Canada

Today, I literally stopped traffic. I was crossing the street and a butterfly landed on me. Being phobic of butterflies, I had a panic attack in the middle of the road. Oh, and I am 17, captain of our football team, and in very good shape. My girlfriend laughed the hardest. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46187

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By shh - 9/10/2015 07:06 - United States - Scottsdale

Today, during dinner with my wife's family, my daughter suddenly yelled, "DADDY TICKLES MOMMY'S BUM BUM!" I don't think I've ever received dirtier glares in my life. FML

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25429

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By Burned - 5/6/2011 00:54 - United States

Today, I went to the beach with my friends to show off my engagement ring. I fell asleep in the sun and woke up extremely sunburnt to a text from my boyfriend confessing that he's been cheating on me. I gave him the ring back. Now I have its tan line on my finger. FML

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45953

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2012 06:40 - Australia - Saint Marys

Today, I overheard a girl and a guy sitting behind me on the bus who were talking about Skyrim, one of my favourite games. After a while, I turned around and, as a fellow gamer, thanked them for restoring my faith in humanity. They went very quiet. I'm now that weird guy on the bus. FML

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By Unknown - 7/2/2014 14:18 - United States - Lamoni

Today, my girlfriend and I were quite drunk while we were fooling around on the couch, when I decided I wanted to lose my virginity to her. I was two thrusts in when she burst out laughing. Looking down, I realized I was between her cheeks and the couch cushion. I lost my virginity to her couch. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2012 06:57 - United States

Today, I spent 3 hours trying to read my dog's mind. FML

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By EmployeeOfTheMonth - 27/6/2009 07:03 - United States

Today, my attractive boss sat me down in the break room to say how much she appreciated how much work I've been doing despite being a temp. She was wearing a skirt, and I couldn't take my eyes off her legs. She then patted me on the leg and said "Good Talk". It wasn't my leg. FML

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44711

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By soul0eater - 12/3/2011 07:18 - Saudi Arabia

Today, I was at the mall and I saw a kid crying. I asked her "What's wrong sweetie, are you lost?" She ran away screaming "Help me!" I ended up having to explain to a dumb mall cop that I'm not a perv. FML

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33189

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By Tey - 22/12/2011 00:07 - United States

Today, on my first day of work, I got fired after 45 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/10/2010 16:22 - United States

Today, I held my cousin's new baby, whom I have nicknamed Canteloupe Head. He then reenacted the Exorcist by projectile vomiting all over my lap and shirt. His mom is a firm believer in karma. FML

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By anonymous - 19/10/2009 19:16 - United States

Today, I drove 100 miles from my parents house to mine. I had only a few miles left when I realized I really had to pee. I didn't want to pull over somewhere when I was so close to home, so I sped up. A cop pulled me over a block from my house. I started to sob, and ended up peeing myself. FML

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37114

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2012 01:57 - United States - Rancho Santa Margarita

Today, a customer handed me a 100 dollar bill. He then told me that it was my tip for doing a good job. He snatched it away just as I touched it, laughed, and said, "Just kidding." He then took his money and left the store. FML

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27038

You deserved it

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By Al - 22/6/2009 04:11 - United States

Today, I was walking around the park with my wife. Out of nowhere, a little girl on a bicycle slammed in to me, knocking me to the ground. As I rolled over, sure that my ankle was broken, her father ran over to me. He screamed, "Watch where you're going, douchebag!" FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2017 20:00

Today, my hand fell asleep while I was masturbating. My own body rejected me. FML

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6748

You deserved it

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By Aryah - 17/12/2016 16:43 - United States - Irving

Today, I found out why the temps were not invited to the company Christmas party. The company paid for the regular employees to go to a nice restaurant, gave them nice presents, and handed out substantial bonuses. They keep telling me they can't hire me on because the company can't afford it. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/5/2010 15:54 - United States

Today, I found out there is such a thing as eyebrow dandruff, and that I have it. FML

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32956

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By splitzville - 16/3/2010 20:12 - United States

Today, I noticed a cute girl in the checkout lane at the store. Feeling a little flirtatious, I decided to blow a bubble with my gum to get her attention. I accidentally shot the gum out of my mouth onto the guy next to me, spitting all over myself in the process. FML

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10925

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By can't sleep - 18/3/2014 08:36 - United States - Crown Point

Today, my mother taught my 98-year-old great-uncle to knock on the wall if he needs us. He can't remember who we are, but every hour he can remember to knock to ask, "Is it breakfast yet?" FML

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By medosin - 21/5/2012 12:10 - Austria

Today, I went into Whole Foods asking if they carried a supplement called Carnosine. The girl assisting me had no idea what it was, but asked, "Is this for weight loss?" FML

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By peace out - 5/3/2013 20:19 - United States - Mount Pleasant

Today, I had to help my little sister do a first-grade project for school. For one part, they have to draw a picture of their role model. She drew a whale, and I asked, "A whale is your role model?" She laughed and said, "No! It's you!" FML

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By Katz - 11/11/2018 14:00

Today, I was babysitting for a friend who develops software. After the baby was asleep, I was watching anime on my iPad. Turns out he created an app that alerts his phone whenever potential adult content streams through his internet. It was just an anime, but he's convinced I was watching porn. FML

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Top comments

By wanted_2_want | 40

#7535431 - Wednesday 30 August 2017 6:06

Was that a bitch slap?

By Eliana Wilson | 13

#7536701 - Saturday 2 September 2017 12:49

"Like, John, I don't know how to tell you this, but WE'RE OVER as a wrestle power couple!"

COMMENTS

By wanted_2_want | 40

#7535431 - Wednesday 30 August 2017 6:06

Was that a bitch slap?

By Eliana Wilson | 13

#7536701 - Saturday 2 September 2017 12:49

"Like, John, I don't know how to tell you this, but WE'RE OVER as a wrestle power couple!"