Looney tunes

Today, my brother and his friend ambushed me, tied me to a chair, and put a sock in my mouth. My mom found me 10 minutes later, took the sock out, and asked, "Why are you tied to a chair?" I told her what happened. She looked at me, laughed, stuffed the sock back in my mouth, and left. FML

False alarm

Today, I was masturbating on my inflatable air mattress that squeaks when you move. Suddenly, my mom burst into my room to ask if I was okay because she thought the squeaking was me crying. I ripped my hands from my pants and turned on my side; she walked over and grabbed my hands to console me. FML

Caught

Today, I tried to suck my own penis. Autofellatio. My mother walked in on me and I flipped backwards off the bed. ER and 10 stiches above my eyebrow later, I asked her not to ever bring it up again. FML

Today, while looking for some socks in my mom's dresser, I found a male g-string and an edible bra. FML

Today, I came home to find a sock I previously used to whack off on my bed with googly eyes and a mouth drawn on it with a note that read "Because you can't find a real girl, I made your current one prettier, Love Mom." FML

Play it cool

Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML

What did you do?

Today, my mom had me arrested in the most humiliating way ever, in my nightgown, with no bra. She pushed me out her vagina, and now her life. FML

They see me rolling…

Today, I’m walking around the streets with my stuff in a rolling suitcase. My mom saw fit to kick me out of the house because she found sextoys in my room. FML

Not so anal retentive then…

Today, after finally breaking up with my controlling girlfriend, she took a shit in my socks. FML

Cool off

Today, after running a couple of miles, I went upstairs into my air-conditioned room to cool off. Apparently, my mom walked past my room and heard me breathing heavily. Later, she had my dad give me a talk about masturbation. FML