By Anonymous - 19/12/2020 01:04 - Iraq - Basrah

Leeches

Today, I found out that if my husband and I move to another country to live, then his mom and sister will live with us too. I'm already living with them because of societal traditions. I like them and everything, but I really need some privacy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

864

287

Dangling modifier

Our house, in the middle of our street

Kids will be kids

By Anonymous - United States - Fresno

Today, I was playing with my dog, when she started sniffing my face. Jokingly, I got up and started to sniff her face back and asked "Yeah, how do you like that?" She replied by biting into my face. FML

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28319

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By Squeak - United States - Bremerton

It means us! Look at us!

Today, at work I put myself squarely in the lame / old people category when I foolishly asked out loud what FML meant. FML

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4657

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By onionrings - United States - Gainesville

Today, I found out that my husband really thinks onion rings are seafood. He's 36. FML

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25497

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By joybirdnot_13 - United States

Today, I was working at the mall as the girl that stands around giving out samples of the foods. This guy came up to me and we were flirting for at least 30 mins. With the tray in one hand, I gave him my cell to put his number in it. He ran away with my phone. FML

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25234

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By S - Singapore

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex. He decided to make gun sound effects as he came. FML

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31255

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By Hungry

I am hungry

Today, I thought my mother was coming into my room to give me lunch. She gave me cleaning supplies instead. FML

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624

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that the person sending me secret love letters was actually my dad, who felt sorry for me. FML

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51123

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By helplesslover - United States

Today, my boyfriend called and said he was stopping by to talk. I didn't understand why he would stop by, so I asked if he was going to break up with me, he said no. Half an hour later, he knocked on my door to break up with me. FML

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40998

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By Si123 - 15/8/2020 08:01

Night terrors

Today, after a long day at work, I was ready to wind down for the night. I sat on my bed and turned towards a fluttering on my left. I saw the biggest daddy-longlegs inches from my face, jumped in the other direction, forgetting there was a wall, and hit my head on it. I'm now officially wide awake. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1148

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By Anonymous - United States - Royersford

Today, I got locked out of my house. After trying unsuccessfully to jimmy the lock, I managed to climb in through the kitchen window. I soon found out I had an effect on the door after all; it won't open at all any more, even with the right key. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17213

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By Anonymous

Today, I asked my parents if I had a college fund because I will be going to university in two years. They laughed. FML

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29730

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By LunaRayne13 - 10/9/2020 08:02

Ghosted

Today, I realized it's been over a month since my last therapy session. My therapist canceled on me and never got back in touch to reschedule. FML

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1101

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By disappointment

Today, my mom walked out on me, abandoning her 16-year-old and taking $100 and a dog, all because I refused to wear women's panties. I would have been perfectly fine wearing them if I weren't a man. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Draper

Today, at the store, I didn't hear the cashier when she asked if I had a loyalty card. She took one look at my naturally bitchy-looking face and muttered "It's my JOB to ask, jeez." FML

I agree, your life sucks

11628

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By Anonymous - France - Paris

Minor Threat

Today, after a big argument, my girlfriend looked me dead in the eyes and said, "I can go the rest of my life without sex, you know." FML

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52247

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By littl3storm - 9/6/2020 05:04

Summertime sadness

Today, as a treat to myself for completing my exams, I dyed my hair rainbow. In the process of dyeing my hair, I managed to roll over my foot, causing severe ligament damage in my foot and ankle. It's likely I'll end up with a cast. Goodbye summer. FML

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1179

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By gumchuck - United States - Marshall

Today, in an effort to avoid my school's strict no-gum policy as my teacher made a b-line to me, I swallowed it. By the time the teacher reached me, the gum was on my desk, as well as my breakfast, thanks to my overactive gag reflex. FML

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26788

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By Anonymous

Today, my best friend invited my ex to eat lunch with her. I wouldn't have found out had I not bumped into them while they were there. FML

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12970

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By Jorgina226 - United States

Today, I found my old sewing machine I got when I was a kid. I never used it before, because when I was younger, I was afraid I might sew my fingers. Laughing at myself, I decided to sew up an old bag. I sewed my thumb. FML

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By HarvestMoon_gal - United States

Today, I was cleaning a pan. I turned the water on, and it was super hot. My reaction was to slam my hand down. On a knife. So, not only do I have a burned hand, but there's also a huge cut on it from the knife. FML

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29034

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By Asshole hornet - United States - Marblehead

Today, a hornet thought it would be fun to fly into a candle that I had lit. As the hornet burned to death, it flung its charred body at my face, which is more painful than it sounds. FML

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44281

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I actually thought of faking my own death to get away from my girlfriend and her insane, overbearing family. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48727

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By JhKhS - United Kingdom

Today, I just came back from the vet. I spent a lot of money on a pet tortoise at the local pet store and it didn't come out of its shell when I bought it. The owner just said it sleeps in the day and it'll be shy for a week or so. Turns out it was dead. FML

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43456

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By CreepedOut - United States

Run away time!

Today, I walked into a subway car which was empty except for this sleeping hobo. Three stops later, the guy wakes up and starts peeing in the corner. I ignore it thinking he'll go back to sleep. Silly me, I didn't realize that he would start running towards me, still peeing. FML

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33974

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By Matchtopia - United States

Today, I was addressed by name by the liquor store clerk. I've never told him my name. He's just seen my ID many times. FML

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By Ohwhy - United Kingdom - Liverpool

Today, as I waited to fly home, a very attractive woman smiled and gestured towards the seat next to me. However, a hyperactive child and his mother barged past into said empty seats. The woman really hit it off with the guy behind, while I was stuck listening to a kid scream at Angry Birds. FML

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By unlucky - United States

Today, I noticed a prospective employer I had been networking with changed her last name on her e-mail signature. I wished the aquaintence congratulations on her new marriage. Her divorce was finalized this week. FML

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12657

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By radiant - United States

Today, I told my mom I want to get liposuction. She said "Whats the point? Its not like you can get lipo on your face!". FML

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24911

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By Anonymous

Today, I woke up to the fire department at my house. Why? My brother called 911 thinking there was a fire after turning the heat on for the first time all winter. FML

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2353

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By rachlette - United States - Seattle

Today, I coughed so hard that I fractured two ribs. FML

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33421

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I cleaned my toilet. I had forgotten it was white. FML

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By foolmetwice

Today, I spilt a very hot cup of tea all over a burn I got yesterday from spilling a very hot cup of tea. FML

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22034

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to snack on some MandM's. I saw my dog sniffing something and realized one of my MandM's had fallen on the floor. To prevent my dog from eating the chocolate, I hurriedly snatched the MandM off the ground and ate it. When I bit down, I realized it wasn't an MandM. It was a dead beetle. FML

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34857

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By poorman - Canada

Today, my mother, who religiously checks her bank account after every purchase, then shreds her receipts, got fed up with me not doing the same. So she shredded all my piled up receipts. These include the 100s of dollars I had spent for my work, which I need the receipts to get reimbursed for. FML

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By IHateProtesters - United States - Hartford

Today, a group of protesters set up just outside my residence hall at one in the morning. After an hour of chanting, the police finally told them to stop, and I was finally able to get some sleep. The protesters responded by pulling the fire alarm in every residence hall on campus. FML

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34619

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By Username - France

Today, as I was in the middle of giving my boyfriend head, he looked at me and said "Eat that cockmeat sandwich." He seriously thought it was a turn on. FML

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28623

You deserved it

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By JinsNeck.exe - 19/1/2021 19:02 - United Kingdom - Blackpool

Toodles

Today, after knowing my friendship group for 9 years, who were like my family, I found out that they actually hate me and have been trying to get me to go away for 5 years. When I left, they laughed at me, argued with me and their exact last words were, "K bye" and then kicked me out. FML

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979

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By keepsmiling - France

Today, I thought it would be sexy to surprise my boyfriend by hiding in the closet naked and pouncing on him as he came to get his pants. I never got to the pouncing. Apparently my boyfriend has heightened reflexes so instead I got slapped hard across the face. My ear is still ringing. FML

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17351

You deserved it

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By Jay - United States

Today, I bought my cat a nice big bag of expensive anti-hairball catfood, so she'd stop puking hairballs on my things. After eating it, she started running around wildly, howling and projectile vomiting on EVERYTHING. FML

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50667

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By Sam

Party for One!

Today, at the supermarket, I bought a cake and had my friend's name put on it. It wasn't anyone's birthday, I just wanted to feel less ashamed about buying a whole cake for myself. FML

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Top comments

By Charlie Given | 23

#7958819 - Saturday 19 December 2020 4:27

Well you married into his family in his home country so how did ya not know this

By coius | 23

#7958985 - Sunday 20 December 2020 3:38

Move to the USA, we throw the older ones in nursing homes so we don’t have to deal with them (I’m being sarcastic in case you don’t detect the hint)

COMMENTS

By Charlie Given | 23

#7958819 - Saturday 19 December 2020 4:27

Well you married into his family in his home country so how did ya not know this

By DoctorPALO | 11

#7958936 - Saturday 19 December 2020 20:31

You obviously should have known this before you agreed to the marriage. YDI.

By coius | 23

#7958985 - Sunday 20 December 2020 3:38

Move to the USA, we throw the older ones in nursing homes so we don’t have to deal with them (I’m being sarcastic in case you don’t detect the hint)

By Radulf | 4

#7959082 - Sunday 20 December 2020 16:56

Just move to a country where the rest of the family does not get a visa.

By DanielleinDC | 32

#7959152 - Sunday 20 December 2020 23:28

Did you not know this before you married him?