By night_fox88 - 27/1/2020 05:00 - United States - Camden

Go out please!

Today, I woke up to my overly religious grandmother trying to shove salt down my throat yelling "DEMON BE GONE!". Why? I didn't wear the cross neckless she bought me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2009

You deserved it

203

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Miscellaneous

Commando

Instadrama

Not now, mom, I'm in pain

By Carrie - 28/3/2020 02:00

Stuck in the middle with you

Today, I had to beg and argue with my boyfriend to get him to take a shower and brush his teeth. This has become a recurring argument now we're confined together. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1564

You deserved it

254

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By Wounded_irony

Today, I was wearing flip flops whilst putting out the trash, and was careful not to step near the broken glass surrounding the trash cans. My mother ran up to me hysterically warning me about the glass, which startled me and caused me to step on a shard, slicing my foot open. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3809

You deserved it

574

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By SprinklerDodger - Denmark - Odense

Today, I was woken up by a noise coming from the bathroom. Upon investigation, I discovered my very drunk, giggling girlfriend attempting to urinate standing up. Carefully note the word "attempting". FML

I agree, your life sucks

27588

You deserved it

2386

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By anon - United States - Dublin

Today, I walked into my mother's house to find that she had knitted clothes for some of the household appliances. The toaster was wearing a dress. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33846

You deserved it

3654

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By WhoNose

Today, the smoke detector in my bedroom malfunctioned and started going off while my cat was asleep on my shoulder. He panicked and deeply lacerated my nose with his claw as he ran off. Blood got everywhere, and to add insult to injury the unit has no removable battery and wouldn't turn off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9596

You deserved it

736

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By zombie mommy - 27/6/2020 17:02

Demonic attack!

Today, my 10-month-old kept me up all night after a gruelling day. I finally fell asleep with her at about 2 a.m., and I woke up half an hour later to her hands on my throat, and her biting my nose. Startled, I took a big breath through my nose and snorted an ungodly amount of slobber. I’m awake now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1352

You deserved it

204

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By fun_gal - 25/3/2020 17:00

Odd one out

Today, my family said that we're all in this together, so I headed over to their house before the stay-at-home orders go into effect. When I arrived, my brother came out to stop me in the driveway to say they were practicing social distancing. From me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1712

You deserved it

203

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By not-that-fat - United States

Today, I was in the car with my boyfriend when I said "I wish all the weight I gained just went to my boobs." His reply was, "They'd be HUGE." FML

I agree, your life sucks

43242

You deserved it

25903

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2020 05:02

And probably giggling

Today, I realized our cat has a sixth sense for when he wants to be seen. When we don't care where the cat is, he's within plain sight. When we lose track of him and are in a panic worrying if he got out, he's hiding. FML

I agree, your life sucks

956

You deserved it

297

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found my boyfriend making out with my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

73672

You deserved it

4771

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By lostintellct - United States

Today, I had a hour long conversation with someone I apparently was friends with a few years ago. I couldn't remember who he was for the life of me, so I just played along. Finally, I told him I didn't remember him. He had the wrong number. I had a long conversation with a wrong number. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17188

You deserved it

51126

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I finally got everything in order to ask out the girl of my dreams. I bought her a gold necklace, engraved with our names, and with the date on the back. Everything was going great until she got sick and had to go home. Now I'm stuck with this necklace with the wrong date. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12626

You deserved it

53150

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Today, I went to see my favorite band in concert. Not only did the people next to me have a loud conversation through the entire set, the guy behind me repeatedly tried to lecture me for head-butting him. Given he was a foot taller than me, I'm not even sure how that was possible. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1839

You deserved it

129

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By all5fingers - Canada

Today, I was playing my guitar and felt something like an itch under my foot, so I attempted to scratch it by rubbing against the floor. The big cockroach made a very distinct "crunch". FML

I agree, your life sucks

28508

You deserved it

3224

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was driving my child to school when the car let out a huge bang. It shuddered to a halt. My son started laughing. I asked him what was funny but he wouldn't tell me. The car wouldn't start. I called RACV and they told me the problem. My son had rolled 9 golf balls into the exhaust pipe. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38048

You deserved it

3927

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By cloudish - Germany

Today, I finally had the guts to tell my best friend that I like him more than just as a friend. I was about to tell him when he excitedly told me that he met the love of his life yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4958

You deserved it

588

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By justonce - United States - Williamstown

Today, the boy who loved me and left me literally became the poster boy for my college. His picture is on the home page of the college website and on a banner in the cafeteria where I eat every day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45194

You deserved it

3502

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By Amandajean32 - United States

Today, I came home from work to find the lock to my bike busted and my bike stolen. The worst part was a nicer bike was sitting right next to it without a lock. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30747

You deserved it

2606

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By Lily - United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because he said he needed to be with someone smart so that he could impress his parents. I just got accepted into medical school. When I pointed that out to him, he added that he needed to be with someone attractive. FML

I agree, your life sucks

84432

You deserved it

4647

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend and I were in bed making out. He then tried to unhook my bra. After a full minute of trying unsuccessfully, he shouted "Fuck you, bra!" before hiding his face in the pillows. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38996

You deserved it

5415

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By Anonymous - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, my husband let me know he felt I was ignoring him by jabbing me in the right ear with his erect penis while I was Skyping with my mum overseas. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40063

You deserved it

6136

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By Lauren - United States - New Market

Today, I had to bail on yet another date with an awesome guy. Every time I make a date, my hateful mother slips laxatives into my food so I'm glued to the shitter until 2am. This is the fourth time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37535

You deserved it

4148

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By Crap - United States - Seminole

Today, I had horrible diarrhea at work. When I felt the bubbling, I ran to the bathroom. An agonizing bowel movement later, I realized that there was no toilet paper in the stall. Just as I was about to ask a coworker who was in the bathroom for some, the fire alarm went off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29057

You deserved it

1692

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By Anonymous

Today, I was playing card games with some colleagues a won a hand. One mate said jokingly "your mother never loved you!", I replied jokingly "at least your mother loved me"... All of a sudden he punched in the face and said, "don't ever disrespect my mother again". FML

I agree, your life sucks

3135

You deserved it

646

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By Ohwhy - United Kingdom - Liverpool

Today, as I waited to fly home, a very attractive woman smiled and gestured towards the seat next to me. However, a hyperactive child and his mother barged past into said empty seats. The woman really hit it off with the guy behind, while I was stuck listening to a kid scream at Angry Birds. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24380

You deserved it

2035

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By Kitten

Today, my sister smashed a cup on my head because I told her she couldn't borrow one of my necklaces since she lost one and stole another. I was grounded for "antagonizing" her into doing it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3263

You deserved it

146

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By That escalated quickly.

Today, I was excited by the thought of the bathroom in my rental being replaced after the plumber advised that the leak can't be easily fixed. Instead, the owner's decided to fully renovate and is kicking me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3873

You deserved it

304

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in a college band rehearsal, and I get a call saying "your car was just hit by a tree!" I said "yeah, right", and hung up on her. Minutes later, the band manager walks in and tells me that my car is totaled. I then went and stood in the rain watching a tree get cut off my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33430

You deserved it

6643

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By alyssaamarante - United States - East Northport

Today, I decided to go thrifting to save some money. Ironically, I ended up having to pay for an emergency trip to the hospital because somebody was too lazy to wash the cat hair off their clothes. I'm severely allergic to cats. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25253

You deserved it

8831

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By StretchNuts - United States

Today, while getting it on with my wife, I started to talk dirty to her. She started laughing. When I asked her if she wanted me to stop, she just kept on laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22317

You deserved it

4763

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while working as a cashier, I was ringing up an elderly woman's massaging shower head, when she said, "If I had a man like you, I wouldn't need this." She then gave me her number. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48858

You deserved it

3425

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By Monsieur-Madame - France - Courtisols

Today, I found out that my colleagues had replaced my email auto-responder with a message saying, "I'm away for two weeks in Brazil. Due to the surgery, when I return, please address me by my new name: Crystal." FML

I agree, your life sucks

33542

You deserved it

3173

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By firstdate - United States

Today, I was on my first date with my crush. When I saw her, I greeted her with, "Hey, sweetheart." She's convinced I said, "Hey, retard." FML

I agree, your life sucks

36131

You deserved it

5284

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By policeopenup - United States

Today, my girlfriend threw me on the couch as I walked in the door. I butt dialed my mom in the process. My girlfriend took off my pants and we got to business. After about 30 seconds of hearing what was going on, my mom thought something was wrong and called the cops to my apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54200

You deserved it

8658

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's mom for the first time. She pulls out a freezer bag full of condoms and says "I have some cooler ones upstairs, if you want his penis to glow in the dark." FML

I agree, your life sucks

29727

You deserved it

4560

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By Anonymous

Today, my phone went missing. My 8-year-old son took it to school and sold it for $10. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5591

You deserved it

646

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By storksleuth - United States

Today, I saw a girl wearing a Nirvana shirt. Since Nirvana has been my favorite band for a long time, I tried striking up a conversation with her. Turns out she doesn't even listen to them, and only bought the shirt because she "liked the smiley face." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34797

You deserved it

5545

Favorite

By shikushiku - United States - Plano

Today, my father went missing. Naturally worried, we searched his workplace, hospitals, and other locations. Ends up he got arrested for driving around town drunk out of his mind. Oh, and it's my birthday. Thanks for throwing me a great (search) party, dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14257

You deserved it

953

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By Hopeless - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me and he was very upset, crying that he had been betrayed. He then began to explain that his friend had slept with his ex-girlfriend. I asked why he was so upset, and he said he still loved her, and really thought they were going to be able to work things out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

65422

You deserved it

3575

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Cloud

Today, my sink seemed to be filling up with dirty water. Concerned, I turned on the garbage disposal and plunged away. With no change in the water levels, I called a plumber. He reached in, pulled out the drain plug, and give me his bill while chuckling to himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12053

You deserved it

44998

Favorite

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Top comments

By jriley4u | 17

#7877381 - Monday 27 January 2020 8:34

Neckless = no neck
Necklace= jewelry worn around the neck

By RebeccaMcQ | 14

#7877367 - Monday 27 January 2020 7:42

Go back to school pls

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7877359 - Monday 27 January 2020 7:01

Salt?

That's no good for demonic possession. Tell your idiot grandmother to watch "The Exorcist" to know what the fuck to do!

By RebeccaMcQ | 14

#7877367 - Monday 27 January 2020 7:42

Go back to school pls

By jriley4u | 17

#7877381 - Monday 27 January 2020 8:34

Neckless = no neck
Necklace= jewelry worn around the neck

By Mungolikecandy | 19

#7877410 - Monday 27 January 2020 10:43

It sounds like she may have some form of mental disorder such as hyperreligiousity if such a small act can trigger such a response.

By Cody Vertigo Bonthoux | 15

#7877429 - Monday 27 January 2020 12:14

time for gam gam to go to a mental facility

By mfranks19891989 | 10

#7877434 - Monday 27 January 2020 13:00

What did you do?
Your grandmother is either super religious or has been watching to much supernatural.

Elisabetha Aarron | 18

#7937578 - Friday 11 September 2020 21:09

Did you even read the FML before commenting??

By bl3ur0z3 | 17

#7877448 - Monday 27 January 2020 14:28

The bigger crime is your spelling of necklace.

By Vern Ehlers | 5

#7877456 - Monday 27 January 2020 15:04

Have her arrested and charged with assault.

ThrottleJockey | 34

#7877847 - Tuesday 28 January 2020 21:07

Don't you mean assalt?

By ojosRojos | 28

#7877766 - Tuesday 28 January 2020 14:22

“Neckless” lmao

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7877921 - Wednesday 29 January 2020 2:19

Have the fruitcake committed.