Work, Weird and Awkward: First day

First day

By AnotherCrazyCatLady - 20/11/2021 14:03 - Australia

Today, I joined my local fire department. While there, I struggled to open a door. Thinking it was locked, someone saw me and opened it. No it wasn't locked. I just didn't push it hard enough. Great first impression. FML

I agree, your life sucks 696

You deserved it 183

Work Weird Awkward

Desperate

Hazing rituals have to stop

Dream baby dream

By Anonymous - 31/01/2015 13:12 - Belgium

Today, while shopping, my dad asked me to walk further away from him, saying I was cramping his style in front of all the chicks there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 287

You deserved it 2 842

By mandybar15 - 14/12/2012 23:52 - United States - Norman

Today, my husband and I sat our 10-year-old daughter down for a chat over her recent cursing. When my husband asked where she'd heard the words, she "innocently" replied, "from mommy's other boyfriend." He took her seriously, accused me of cheating, and hasn't been home since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 146

You deserved it 6 652

This is why we shop online!

By trash80 - 21/02/2018 19:00

Today, while checking out at Target, I had the choice of standing behind one lady or a long line. Naturally, I chose the former. Half an hour later, the long line had completely passed, and I was still standing behind the lady, who was now arguing with the cashier. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 657

You deserved it 771

Tonight, on First Dates…

By Anonymous - 18/06/2019 14:29

Today, I discovered that pictures really make a person look more attractive than they really are. Besides the downgrade in attraction, we got to spend the next two hours playing an awkward game of 20 questions. This from a guy that wanted nudes right away. So much for online charm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 273

You deserved it 571

By erockinthesuburb - 11/04/2012 16:25 - United States - Algonquin

Today, I was stopped and searched by a cop, and he quickly found the bag of weed in my pocket. He didn't arrest or fine me, but he did confiscate my weed and told me to "get lost." Pretty sure I just got legally mugged. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 888

You deserved it 41 826

Jumpy

By Chelsea - 21/04/2009 05:20 - United States

Today, my mom made me clean. I was dusting in the living room and heard gunshots outside the apartment. I dove on the floor and started crying and screaming. My mom walked in and informed me that the sound was her making popcorn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 655

You deserved it 70 968

By Almost_Homeless - 23/04/2014 12:43 - Canada - London

Today, my landlord started showing my apartment, where I have lived and paid rent for over 2 years, to prospective tenants. I didn't realize that I was moving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 917

You deserved it 3 385

By Anonymous - 17/04/2016 11:52 - United States - Walbridge

Today, my mom finally noticed the joke file I have on my PC desktop called "bigcocklovespussy.jpg". It's just a cute picture of a chicken snuggling with a cat. She didn't actually open the file and just deleted it. She won't believe my explanation and grounded me for a month for "looking at porn". FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 421

You deserved it 7 623

By Anonymous - 28/06/2009 18:44 - United States

Today, I was riding my bike without the seat cover on. I hit a curb wrong and the two metal rods from the skeleton of the seat went through my jeans. I went to the med clinic to then find out that I had to get stitches in my scrotum. There were no male doctors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 384

You deserved it 49 660

By Anonymous - 19/08/2018 20:30

Today, I was diagnosed with a tumor and had to cancel on the holidays with my crush of 4 years. He is taking another girl with him instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 407

You deserved it 176

Sampled

By zachhewett - 02/02/2016 22:53 - United States - Birmingham

Today, at my job drug testing high schoolers, I see that one of the kids selected for the testing looked incredibly high. So, after he goes in the bathroom and gives me his cup with his urine inside, I take a closer look and see that the little shit jizzed in the cup. I hate my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 991

You deserved it 2 794

He'll understand when he's older

By Anonymous - 02/05/2020 17:00

Today, I was reading one of the numerous Thomas the Tank Engine books to my 3-year-old, train obsessed, nanny kid. They needed tinder to relight Thomas's firebox. I laughed when reading this and told him, "I have Tinder too!" He's convinced I'm a train. FML

I agree, your life sucks 522

You deserved it 1 579

By julie24 - 30/05/2014 02:30 - France

Today, I was partying with friends. At around midnight, I sent a text message to my friend to reassure her, saying that of course I could handle my drink. That's the last thing I can remember about the evening. It's a total blank from that point onwards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 172

You deserved it 45 998

By HappyMan - 03/08/2012 02:14 - United States - Corpus Christi

Today, my mom thought I was flying high on weed and nearly grounded me for it. I wasn't high, I was just actually in a good mood for the first time in a few weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 065

You deserved it 2 312

By rukus - 16/06/2009 03:25 - Canada

Today, I was was leaving the library when I noticed an elderly woman being mugged. I was about to leave on my bike, but promptly went to help her. After I managed to scare off the mugger, I helped her to her car. As I was heading back to my bike, I notice the mugger riding off on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 413

You deserved it 4 903

By Fucked - 24/01/2011 22:47 - United States

Today, I was talking to my girlfriend on the phone. The subject of abuse came up and I told her that if her father ever hurt her I would cut his dick off. The next thing I hear is, "Don't say shit you can't back up!" Her father had picked up the phone the moment I'd said it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 641

You deserved it 13 632

By Anonymous - 16/09/2015 02:02 - United Kingdom - Coventry

Today, I filled up my company car with my own debit card, instead of my fuel card. It was the last £40 I had for the month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 896

You deserved it 6 962

By AtheistLookingforRoomie - 12/01/2017 22:00

Today, I had a meeting with a potential roommate to rent a 2/2 space and it was going well. We laughed, joked, and seemed to get along and want the same things. At the end of the conversation, however, he said he needed to "pray" about his decision to room with an atheist. This probably won't work out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 213

You deserved it 1 475

By Snufflopagus - 01/01/2014 13:26 - United States - Lynnwood

Today, my boyfriend told me that sometimes my nipples taste like onions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 329

You deserved it 10 541

By Fefrank - 25/03/2019 00:00

I broke a bolt on my minivan trying to fix the timing belt myself to save money. I spent about 300 dollars in parts. Today I took the van to the shop and the total to fix it is going to be 1200 dollars. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 560

You deserved it 944

By Xandar - 09/11/2018 17:30

Today, I was told by my wife that we were going to be parents. We are both females. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 354

You deserved it 495

Truthbomb

By DuckMan - 07/10/2017 13:00

Today, I made my niece cry when I told her that snakes are just tails with faces. She won't stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 646

You deserved it 918

By burnedboy - 18/01/2010 19:39 - United States

Today, I saw Avatar in iMax 3D. Towards the end of the movie I jump, yelled, and spilled my drink all over the people in front of me because I thought a burning piece of ash landed on my leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 598

You deserved it 44 482

By maximus - 20/01/2010 00:08 - United States

Today, I was in the line at Chipotle and noticed a very attractive lady in her mid 20's. I deliberately took the table next to her and her friend and happened to overhear what they were talking about. They were both discussing how much diarrhea they were going to have when they got home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 215

You deserved it 31 110

Astrology for nerds

By badprofessor - 19/09/2014 01:44 - United States - Larchmont

Today, I got an Economics test back from my professor. I got a 17/20. I looked it over and noticed one of the questions was completely right. I checked the textbook he made and the answer was the same. I asked him why it was wrong, and he responded with, "I guess I changed my mind." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 656

You deserved it 2 701

By That Guy - 01/11/2014 12:58 - United States - Tampa

Today, I realized why the lady I had complimented the night before on Halloween about her amazing one-armed costume, looked so hurt. She is literally missing an arm. I'm an asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 542

You deserved it 14 179

By Cracky - 27/11/2012 14:32 - United States - Baltimore

Today, my husband ran a nice warm bubble bath with extra bubbles. I undressed and slid down into the tub only to have the most ungodly pain go up my backside. Turns out he knocked his razor into the water when he added the bubbles. I now have two butt cracks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 350

You deserved it 1 983

By lowly101 - 09/08/2016 19:15

Today, I stood up at my desk and fell. I landed on the arm of my desk chair. There was a loud crack when the plastic in the chair broke. My co-workers heard. They didn't come to check on me because I didn't scream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 468

You deserved it 1 454

That ship has sailed

By Anonymous - 20/08/2020 17:03

Today, I realized there’s no point in maintaining a friendship of 20 years. I stopped texting my friend three weeks ago and he never noticed. I texted him daily for at least the past ten years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 419

You deserved it 224

By UnwantedDisappointment - 18/01/2019 00:00

Today, I accidentally saw my boyfriend's sexts to a guy he's friends with. He's been turning me down for sex for months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 783

You deserved it 238

By Tom - 15/01/2009 15:05 - United States

Today, I'm flying out of the country in a few hours. A plane from the same airline just crashed into the Hudson River and is now floating in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 068

You deserved it 2 667

By Username - 13/05/2011 08:13

Today, I was driving along when the car in front of me ran over an animal. I only realised this when a chunk of flesh and blood landed on my windscreen. I put my wipers on to get rid of it but instead it got stuck underneath the wipers and smeared all over the screen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 773

You deserved it 6 697

By ewwww - 27/04/2009 04:08 - United States

Today, my family was talking about how people's hair goes gray when they get old. My grandma mentioned that she was initially attracted to my grandpa because of his red hair and was sad when it turned gray. "It's ok," she continued, "his pubic hair is still red." FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 122

You deserved it 4 251

By Anonymous - 22/05/2011 20:31 - United States

Today, my toilet decided it wouldn't take any more shit from me, and flooded the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 714

You deserved it 6 511

Mess incoming

By Anonymous - 14/10/2019 16:00

Today, my apartment management notified me that my water was going to be shut off all day so they could fix the plumbing. I took a laxative last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 653

You deserved it 149

By broomrape - 29/04/2009 04:52 - United States

Today, I found out that the horrible stench haunting my apartment for the past week was the decomposing corpse of my freedom loving gerbil underneath the bed that I've been sleeping on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 100

You deserved it 11 647

By Jdub - 28/05/2009 00:51 - United States

Today, I went to a real Japanese restaurant with my sister and mom, where you had to take off your shoes and sit on the floor. After the meal, I realized my shoes were no longer where I put them. For the seven years the restaurant has been open, I'm the first person to get their shoes stolen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 206

You deserved it 3 591

Say nothing

By Anonymous - 28/01/2021 00:58 - United States - Edmond

Today, right now, my husband is on the phone with his friend. Last night I had a dream I was cheating on him with this friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 332

You deserved it 696

By rene - 22/08/2011 16:46 - United States

Today, it was my birthday, and my kids gave me my car keys I had "lost" a week ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 807

You deserved it 3 342

By Anonymous - 16/06/2009 22:58 - United States

Today, while on my daily jog, I passed a very attractive girl. While passing her, she yelled "hey cutie". Trying to look cool, I tried turning around without stopping. I then fell off the curb and severely sprained my ankle. She caught up to help but was laughing the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 931

You deserved it 40 395

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RichardPencil 30

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Saturday 20 November 2021 22:38

If you are terminated by a fire department, do they say you are "fired?" It sounds like it should be the opposite -- when you are accepted, you are fired. When the tell you to leave, you are extinguished!